Advice for talking with critical Nanny

[Anonymous]

Hi. We have 14 mth old b/g twins, and a nanny who has been with us for a year. She (A) is terrific - I trust her completely with my babies, our home, cars, etc... and I feel absolutely certain that our children will come to no harm in her care and are showered with love. A is an experienced nanny, though not a "career" nanny - rather someone who has made a life of caring for others in many ways - she prefers babies but she has also done elder-care, housecleaning, etc... She lives with a family for whom she was formerly a nanny (right down the street from us), thrives on being part of a family, and is a lovely, dear, caring soul. I hope she is with us for many years (as long as we can afford to keep her).

Here's my challenge and what I would welcome thoughtful advice on. A is a very emotional person and she responds very emotionally any time either child is uncomfortable. (For instance, when they get shots at the doctor A sobs longer and harder than the babies.) Yesterday I came home and my son had a slight fever, a runny/congested nose and a bit of a cough. He hadn't napped well and was cranky and fussy. A reported that he cried a lot at naptime and she cried too because he felt so badly. She then made several comments implying that he was sick because I didn't dress him warmly enough, telling me (critically) not to let him cry at night, saying she wished she could take him with her, worrying about him, etc...

This is not an entirely new dynamic and it is generally one I can manage. A feels no one can/will care for the babies as well as her - even their mother. Generally it's fairly harmless and I see it as the minor flip side of the much greater positive benefit she brings to our family. However, last night I had to stop her and say clearly that I obviously will not let my son cry when he is sick, that babies get colds and that's ok, etc... I think I made it clear, without being unpleasant, that her criticism of me was not ok. I also said that I was sure that she had dealt with hundreds of common colds in her career and that I thought she had done all the right things (acetominophen, nasal rinse, etc...).

I believe it takes a unique, special person to be a loving nanny - especially with twins at the toddler stage. I value A and consider the trust I have in her to be the absolute most important thing - I am willing to work around all sorts of individual quirkiness, including her occasional comments implying that no one can provide better care than her, in return for the care my children receive. But, I need to be respected and can't allow her comments to fester in my head.

So my question for all of you - especially nannies, is how to have a conversation with A that is gentle, firm, supportive and clear about these kinds of comments being upsetting and inappropriate? I should mention that english is a second language for A (and I don't speak her native language) so while we have no problem communicating most of the time a delicate, nuanced conversation as is needed here is often difficult. Perhaps I'm answering my own question in writing this, but I would still welcome your thoughts - especially if you have been on either side of a similar dynamic.

Please remember that I value A and this is about clarifying and improving our relationship before this becomes a bigger more damaging issue. I know some mothers would find this simply unacceptable, and I respect that, but that's not the feedback I'm looking for here.

Thanks much!

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she's simply a Crier. Some people are. If that's the case, I'd just ignore her tears and forge ahead as you would with anyone else. "A, you're doing a great job and if the twins can't be with me or DH I'm so glad they're with you. However, it's hurtful and disrespectful for you to say that no one, including me, their mother, can provide better care for the twins than you can. I'm sure you can see why that would hurt my feelings and de-value my role as their mother. We love working with you as I said, but would just appreciate if you'd think a bit before making comments like that, okay?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's simply a Crier. Some people are. If that's the case, I'd just ignore her tears and forge ahead as you would with anyone else. "A, you're doing a great job and if the twins can't be with me or DH I'm so glad they're with you. However, it's hurtful and disrespectful for you to say that no one, including me, their mother, can provide better care for the twins than you can. I'm sure you can see why that would hurt my feelings and de-value my role as their mother. We love working with you as I said, but would just appreciate if you'd think a bit before making comments like that, okay?"

+1

[Anonymous]

How old is this nanny?

For me, that would make a huge difference in how I approached the boundary-setting.

[Anonymous]

It actually sounds kinda creepy for any nanny to make comments like she did TO YOU about her taking better care of your children than you do (and her wanting to take him with her).

I know that sometimes I feel like my MB might not be doing as much as she could be, but I keep those thoughts to myself. At most, I might say that I might do something (and then say what) but then say that maybe you (MB) like to do it another way/or you (MB) don't think it is necessary. A way to give my advice and leave it open to the MB to either take it or agree that she has her own ways.

I agree with the other PP about what to say when talking to your nanny.

[Anonymous]

For sure my nanny also thinks she does a better job at caring for dc than me. She does not say this and I think tries to hide it but it seems clear. It does not offend me. I take her advice with a grain of salt. Op did not say nanny said she was better she said she implied it and gave advice that op considered a no brainer. Op just say in response "yes of course that is what we will be doing. Glad we are in agreement on what the Dcs need".

[Anonymous]

I'm an emotional person, but perhaps not to the extent of your nanny. I appreciate touchy conversations being carried out in email. It gives me time to react and calibrate to being a bit more rational without the embarrassment of having someone see that.

[Anonymous]

oh and also, email on friday so she has the weekend to get over it.

[Anonymous]

I'm an emotional person, but that kinda takes the cake...not that it's wrong.

I often feel like I'm doing better taking care of my charges than my MB and DB, but I would never imply or outright voice that. That's disrespectful in any form. I would tell her straightup matter of factly that you don't appreciate that.

[Anonymous]

She sounds excessive and annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For sure my nanny also thinks she does a better job at caring for dc than me. She does not say this and I think tries to hide it but it seems clear. It does not offend me. I take her advice with a grain of salt. Op did not say nanny said she was better she said she implied it and gave advice that op considered a no brainer. Op just say in response "yes of course that is what we will be doing. Glad we are in agreement on what the Dcs need".

+1000000

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thx for all the helpful advice. (Good idea about email also - I will keep that in mind.)

I did talk with her and she apologized. She was aware she had stepped over the line. She also knows she has issues with remembering that she is not the parent.

I think she will keep those kinds of opinions to herself in the future.

The nanny/boss thing is a tough and incredibly important relationship to manage well - I appreciate all of you helping me work through this wrinkle.