Am I doing this right?

[Anonymous]

Hi all! I nanny a 2 year old. She is the sweetest, most loving girl- she runs at me EVERY morning so excited to see me and hugs me goodbye every afternoon. Like most almost three year olds, she throws normal tantrums.

Here is what happens:
She does the "no" thing. I can tell when it's about to happen because she gets very stressed and irritable, then I KNOW what is coming next. Here is how it goes:

Me: "Okay let's get you dressed so we can go outside and play!"
B: "No"
Me: "Well, that's fine. We can wait for just a bit on getting dressed and do something else first."
B: "No"
Me: "So would you like to get dressed now or later?"
B: "No"
Me: "That isn't an answer- now or later?"
B: "No"

So then I warn her (she's very used to my system and method by now) that she knows what will happen next. I tell her she has the choice of coming with me back to the playroom, or she can stay here. I give her another reminder that if she throws a fit, I will not console her until she's done. She replies with "no" so I say, "okay sweet girl, you let me know when you're ready. I will get you when you're done crying."

She then screams/cries/yells no repeatedly. I leave the room- far enough to where she can't see me, but where I can still monitor her. When she throws a tantrum, she never does anything that could be dangerous- she doesn't throw things or try to bang her head, etc. She just sits down all pitifully and screams. Sometimes this lasts for only 30 seconds, and she gives up, stops crying, and then comes to me. Sometimes it is more like 10 minutes. Either way, when she comes to me, I hug her and rock her a bit and tell her things like "I am so happy you are done screaming. When you throw a fit, I can't snuggle you. I love hugging my sweet girl. Now we can play!" She whimpers a bit, and then we move on.

The reason I am asking is because when MB is here...which is typically 20 minutes in the morning...if B throws a fit, she CATERS to it. I mean, when the "no" thing is going on, she will literally stand there for 10 minutes with her saying "I don't know what you want me to do" and etc. I know that I am not a mother, but I think it makes it worse.

Am I doing it right? I have told MB that this is how I handle it. She kind of joked about how she wishes she could, but it's her baby, so she can't. I know that B still adores me- but sometimes I worry that she's going to stop liking me because of it. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

The mother is making it worse. Get her on board.

[Anonymous]

I don't think she will stop liking you because of it. 2 year olds have short memories. However, if she does know that it isn't your fault. You could have a sit down with your MB and say that you've noticed LO is entering a tantrum phase and that you wanted to decide a strategy with her for dealing with it and be sure that everyone is on the same page, so that LO is getting the same message from all parties.

[Anonymous]

You're doing it almost perfectly. Th only thing you might adjust is not to give her the reward snuggle after the tantrum. Dr. Rene says to not even acknowledge tht the tantrum happened.

The mother on the other hand? That's not good. You could try to talk/strategize with her but at the end of the day you can't force it.

[thewildbaby]

Anonymous wrote:You're doing it almost perfectly. Th only thing you might adjust is not to give her the reward snuggle after the tantrum. Dr. Rene says to not even acknowledge tht the tantrum happened.

The mother on the other hand? That's not good. You could try to talk/strategize with her but at the end of the day you can't force it.

I agree with all of this. The only thing that puts me off about your approach is the post-tantrum snuggles. Of course there is no problem giving kids hugs or snuggles, but don't make it about the tantrum. Just say, "Oh thanks for the snuggle! Do you want to do some coloring now?" and move on right away.

[Anonymous]

I have the exact same problem with the 3 year old I nanny for but it's not only no she says but "never".... I walk away and won't pay her any attention until she is done. Sounds pretty normal. Oh the joys of 2 and 3 year olds.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Y'all are right- the snuggling probably isn't the best idea, now that I think about it. I selfishly enjoy her tantrums on occasion because I know she will want to snuggle with me for a solid 10 minutes after. I guess I should probably stop that!!! Thanks for the input- I appreciate it!

[Anonymous]

Your MB sounds exactly like mine! She always says "I can't just watch my baby suffer"! I want to be like, "This kid is not suffering! Have you seen her room, her closet! This kids got you wrapped around her finger". My MB will coddle the girls (1 and 2) when they meltdown, and honestly she makes it worse. Her two-year-old is a scratcher so I definitely don't touch her when she's throwing a fit. I tell her when she calms down she can come play with brother and sister, that I can't understand her when she screams. I essentially do the same thing you do, but a little sterner, not harsh however. The child needs to know the behavior is not acceptable.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm an MB and just want to say that I think you sound like a great nanny. While you may not be handling this situation absolutely perfectly, you are handling it well, and more importantly, you are being incredibly thoughtful, reflective and considerate in how you are handling it. Those are the qualities in the very best nannies.

[nannydebsays]

OP, I think you're handling things really well, and as far as your MB goes, your charge will soon learn who she can and can't manipulate with tantrums. Do you step back and let MB handle it when she's home, or does she come in and overrule you? If it's the later, you need to talk with MB about needing to let her child know who is in charge when nanny is here. Be as empathetic as possible, but ask her to either let you manage it or to be clear to your charge that MB is always in charge when MB is around.

I would also not discuss the tantrum when she comes to you afterwards. I would give her the reassurance she needs with a hug and then verbally re-direct her to the task she still needs to manage.

[Anonymous]

OP again- thanks for your input and the compliments! I know that there is always room for improvement. Next time she has the tantrum, I will try to do less cuddling after. Or at least not even mention the tantrum.