First year and last year hosting

[Anonymous]

I agree about AP fatigue and a sense of entitlement, but I do think host parents can rise above and ask for what they need. For example - the brie AP. Say to her: "Larla, I wasn't sure you noticed that I started keeping brie in the house just for you. It would make me want to keep doing that if you acknowledged by saying "thank you.""

[Anonymous]

Is the Brie girl French? In France it's not an expensive cheese and she probably doesn't realize it is in America ...
I'd stop buying it and stop any favors if there's no thank you.
At some point you just gotta stop being stupid ...

- Former French AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree about AP fatigue and a sense of entitlement, but I do think host parents can rise above and ask for what they need. For example - the brie AP. Say to her: "Larla, I wasn't sure you noticed that I started keeping brie in the house just for you. It would make me want to keep doing that if you acknowledged by saying "thank you.""

DP. As a host mom, I would never say that. They either are appreciative or they are not. If they are not, I'd just stop buying it.

Having to teach a grown adult to say thank you feels like nails on a chalkboard.

[Anonymous]

Im the 8:15 poster and agree with PP about nails on the chalk board, but I think for me saying something at least makes the au pair wake up to how you are feeling instead of letting yourself just stew about it. If after that I saw a behavior change, I would be satisfied. If I didnt I would know we werent a good match and would stop buying the brie

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im the 8:15 poster and agree with PP about nails on the chalk board, but I think for me saying something at least makes the au pair wake up to how you are feeling instead of letting yourself just stew about it. If after that I saw a behavior change, I would be satisfied. If I didnt I would know we werent a good match and would stop buying the brie

Our AP didn't say thank you in the beginning 3 months. We had a really serious talk with her as it bothers us so much. She got a lot better after the talk but still not as much as it should be. For example, if I make dinner and she does the dishes, she would not say thank you for the dinner. I guess she feels that she "paid" for the dinner by doing dishes? But after a while I just got use to it and not let it bother me anymore. When she texts, she says thank you all the time but somehow, not enough when face to face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the 8:15 poster and agree with PP about nails on the chalk board, but I think for me saying something at least makes the au pair wake up to how you are feeling instead of letting yourself just stew about it. If after that I saw a behavior change, I would be satisfied. If I didnt I would know we werent a good match and would stop buying the brie

Our AP didn't say thank you in the beginning 3 months. We had a really serious talk with her as it bothers us so much. She got a lot better after the talk but still not as much as it should be. For example, if I make dinner and she does the dishes, she would not say thank you for the dinner. I guess she feels that she "paid" for the dinner by doing dishes? But after a while I just got use to it and not let it bother me anymore. When she texts, she says thank you all the time but somehow, not enough when face to face.

Do you expect your kids to thank you for every meal? Do you always thank her for doing the dishes? She's a member of the household and to be expected to say thank you after every dinner--that just seems excessive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the Brie girl French? In France it's not an expensive cheese and she probably doesn't realize it is in America ...
I'd stop buying it and stop any favors if there's no thank you.
At some point you just gotta stop being stupid ...

- Former French AP.

When there was not enough appreciation, I always think about stopping the favors as you said. But after a day or two when the anger is over, I started saying to myself, why am I being so strict to a young girl who just came here? The poor girl is from a poor family and is here by herself with nothing. And I started feeling bad not offering her the favors especially after seeing her doing some cute crafts or some special things with the kids. So I started offering again until I got fed up again with the little appreciation lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the 8:15 poster and agree with PP about nails on the chalk board, but I think for me saying something at least makes the au pair wake up to how you are feeling instead of letting yourself just stew about it. If after that I saw a behavior change, I would be satisfied. If I didnt I would know we werent a good match and would stop buying the brie

Our AP didn't say thank you in the beginning 3 months. We had a really serious talk with her as it bothers us so much. She got a lot better after the talk but still not as much as it should be. For example, if I make dinner and she does the dishes, she would not say thank you for the dinner. I guess she feels that she "paid" for the dinner by doing dishes? But after a while I just got use to it and not let it bother me anymore. When she texts, she says thank you all the time but somehow, not enough when face to face.

Do you expect your kids to thank you for every meal? Do you always thank her for doing the dishes? She's a member of the household and to be expected to say thank you after every dinner--that just seems excessive.

We don't do family dinner every day. Only on the weekends. Both my husband and kids thank me for every dinner I make. And I thank the AP every time for doing the dishes as well.

[Anonymous]

Our first AP didn’t say thank you for anything the entire year. She also never once asked about our day (or our lives for that matter). We then made it a part of our interview process: “ we are trying to teach the kids gratitude so are a family that days please and thank you and talks about our day.” Our next AP was wonderful and this was a non-issue.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, this is the reality of the program now, and also why we will not be hosting APs again despite having two wonderful experiences. With my first two APs there were moments that felt like an ad for CCAP, but the lawsuit and the growth of social media have caused the program to become totally detached from its roots as a cultural exchange, and there has been no willingness from the state department or the agencies to try to steer it back.

As someone who also did study abroad, lived with a host family, etc, it used to be understood that a cultural exchange meant an opportunity for growth and learning, embracing all aspects of living with a family in a foreign country, even when they weren’t Instagram-worthy. I don’t mean the abusive or rule-breaking families (which of course I know happens). I am just talking about how sometimes living abroad with a host family can be boring, or involve novel things you’re not used to, such as cooking with a cast iron pan, which was an actual reason my last AP requested rematch. My first two APs were really great with kids and had a commanding presence with no issues managing them. The last one, despite having a lot of supposed experience, couldn’t handle the different cultural approaches to child rearing.
Based on my last experience, which was eerily shared by a number of people I know in real life, APs are looking for a vacation, and will request rematch the minute it gets unpleasant, and the agencies (at least CCAP) will happily oblige. I can’t do that again. Though I LOVED the program when it worked, I simply cannot rely on childcare where I am constantly worried about their emotional state and whether I will wake up one day and suddenly not have childcare. It is simply not a reliable or trustworthy form of childcare anymore. For the record, my kids are older and I used my APs for before/aftercare and driving. I would be especially cautious if I needed to rely on an AP for full time care.

It’s a shame because it’s such a wonderful idea in concept and when it works it’s amazing. But it’s just not an option nor is it healthy for my kids to have something so important in life — the person you’ve entrusted to take care of your kids and form an emotional bond — be so untrustworthy and mercurial, and to know that neither the agency nor your government cares.

(The abuse /misuse of the program by families is a real problem. I don’t have any faith that agencies or DoS have taken any meaningful steps to address that either.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, this is the reality of the program now, and also why we will not be hosting APs again despite having two wonderful experiences. With my first two APs there were moments that felt like an ad for CCAP, but the lawsuit and the growth of social media have caused the program to become totally detached from its roots as a cultural exchange, and there has been no willingness from the state department or the agencies to try to steer it back.

As someone who also did study abroad, lived with a host family, etc, it used to be understood that a cultural exchange meant an opportunity for growth and learning, embracing all aspects of living with a family in a foreign country, even when they weren’t Instagram-worthy. I don’t mean the abusive or rule-breaking families (which of course I know happens). I am just talking about how sometimes living abroad with a host family can be boring, or involve novel things you’re not used to, such as cooking with a cast iron pan, which was an actual reason my last AP requested rematch. My first two APs were really great with kids and had a commanding presence with no issues managing them. The last one, despite having a lot of supposed experience, couldn’t handle the different cultural approaches to child rearing.
Based on my last experience, which was eerily shared by a number of people I know in real life, APs are looking for a vacation[u], and will request rematch the minute it gets unpleasant, and the agencies (at least CCAP) will happily oblige. I can’t do that again. Though I LOVED the program when it worked, I simply cannot rely on childcare where I am constantly worried about their emotional state and whether I will wake up one day and suddenly not have childcare. It is simply not a reliable or trustworthy form of childcare anymore. For the record, my kids are older and I used my APs for before/aftercare and driving. I would be especially cautious if I needed to rely on an AP for full time care.

It’s a shame because it’s such a wonderful idea in concept and when it works it’s amazing. But it’s just not an option nor is it healthy for my kids to have something so important in life — the person you’ve entrusted to take care of your kids and form an emotional bond — be so untrustworthy and mercurial, and to know that neither the agency nor your government cares.

(The abuse /misuse of the program by families is a real problem. I don’t have any faith that agencies or DoS have taken any meaningful steps to address that either.)

My AP is looking for a new host family for the 2nd year. She is looking for either CA or near NYC, older kids, AP suite, no weekend hours, AP car and all living cost covered like what she gets now with us (no budget for foods & snacks, fully paid cell phone and gas etc). I honestly don't know if she can find a family like that easily. If not, it will be a very big change for her and most likely won't be beautiful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids OP? We landed here bc our nanny left and the nanny market was impossible (or >90k annually). I think I’m probably a lot like you - but with our Au pair and older kids I don’t have to see her too much - she leaned in heavily to the split schedule life which I think took the pressure off of us somewhat - I also work a lot at night so that cut off time after dinner.

OP here, I have school aged kids who will be in 3rd and 1st grade. They both went to daycare when they were young. We just recently started our own business and it has been stressful. So I went for the AP program for 1) the flexibility 2) to somehow makeup to the kids for the extra time that we have to work by having a big sister always there for them 3) to reduce my stress of balancing work and life. And we feel cool to offer someone an opportunity to experience US.

Well it is certainly a very mixed feeling about this program. Instead of taking care of my own kids, I feel like I have to take care of a big teenager. I do get the convenience of childcare but what I had to put in mentally kinda offset the most of it and sometimes just make my life more stressful.

I think what I need is a person who comes to do her job and leave to her own life when the job is done. Since the kids will be at school for majority of the time. I will only need a part-time nanny or just a college student who can get them from the bus and stay with them until when we come home.

That's what everyone needs, and it's why there's such high prices and turnover. There's a reason people get an AP for just 10-20 hours a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids OP? We landed here bc our nanny left and the nanny market was impossible (or >90k annually). I think I’m probably a lot like you - but with our Au pair and older kids I don’t have to see her too much - she leaned in heavily to the split schedule life which I think took the pressure off of us somewhat - I also work a lot at night so that cut off time after dinner.

OP here, I have school aged kids who will be in 3rd and 1st grade. They both went to daycare when they were young. We just recently started our own business and it has been stressful. So I went for the AP program for 1) the flexibility 2) to somehow makeup to the kids for the extra time that we have to work by having a big sister always there for them 3) to reduce my stress of balancing work and life. And we feel cool to offer someone an opportunity to experience US.

Well it is certainly a very mixed feeling about this program. Instead of taking care of my own kids, I feel like I have to take care of a big teenager. I do get the convenience of childcare but what I had to put in mentally kinda offset the most of it and sometimes just make my life more stressful.

I think what I need is a person who comes to do her job and leave to her own life when the job is done. Since the kids will be at school for majority of the time. I will only need a part-time nanny or just a college student who can get them from the bus and stay with them until when we come home.

That's what everyone needs, and it's why there's such high prices and turnover. There's a reason people get an AP for just 10-20 hours a week.

I agree, but I rather spend the money now to get my own life back. I am good with giving but not good with sharing. To me, the uncomfortableness living with a non-related person who is completely in a different phase in life is more than the extra money I would have to spend or the headache to deal with the turnover because it is constant. I give the HFs who host for years a big credit. I just can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids OP? We landed here bc our nanny left and the nanny market was impossible (or >90k annually). I think I’m probably a lot like you - but with our Au pair and older kids I don’t have to see her too much - she leaned in heavily to the split schedule life which I think took the pressure off of us somewhat - I also work a lot at night so that cut off time after dinner.

OP here, I have school aged kids who will be in 3rd and 1st grade. They both went to daycare when they were young. We just recently started our own business and it has been stressful. So I went for the AP program for 1) the flexibility 2) to somehow makeup to the kids for the extra time that we have to work by having a big sister always there for them 3) to reduce my stress of balancing work and life. And we feel cool to offer someone an opportunity to experience US.

Well it is certainly a very mixed feeling about this program. Instead of taking care of my own kids, I feel like I have to take care of a big teenager. I do get the convenience of childcare but what I had to put in mentally kinda offset the most of it and sometimes just make my life more stressful.

I think what I need is a person who comes to do her job and leave to her own life when the job is done. Since the kids will be at school for majority of the time. I will only need a part-time nanny or just a college student who can get them from the bus and stay with them until when we come home.

That's what everyone needs, and it's why there's such high prices and turnover. There's a reason people get an AP for just 10-20 hours a week.

I agree, but I rather spend the money now to get my own life back. I am good with giving but not good with sharing. To me, the uncomfortableness living with a non-related person who is completely in a different phase in life is more than the extra money I would have to spend or the headache to deal with the turnover because it is constant. I give the HFs who host for years a big credit. I just can't.

We tried that route for almost a year. It is extremely difficult to keep a consistent PT nanny, unless you pay nearly FT wages for the PT work needed. If you get a college student, you’ll have them until their schedule changes. You also are left with no coverage for half days at school, days off, etc. It was inconsistent and a nightmare :/.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids OP? We landed here bc our nanny left and the nanny market was impossible (or >90k annually). I think I’m probably a lot like you - but with our Au pair and older kids I don’t have to see her too much - she leaned in heavily to the split schedule life which I think took the pressure off of us somewhat - I also work a lot at night so that cut off time after dinner.

OP here, I have school aged kids who will be in 3rd and 1st grade. They both went to daycare when they were young. We just recently started our own business and it has been stressful. So I went for the AP program for 1) the flexibility 2) to somehow makeup to the kids for the extra time that we have to work by having a big sister always there for them 3) to reduce my stress of balancing work and life. And we feel cool to offer someone an opportunity to experience US.

Well it is certainly a very mixed feeling about this program. Instead of taking care of my own kids, I feel like I have to take care of a big teenager. I do get the convenience of childcare but what I had to put in mentally kinda offset the most of it and sometimes just make my life more stressful.

I think what I need is a person who comes to do her job and leave to her own life when the job is done. Since the kids will be at school for majority of the time. I will only need a part-time nanny or just a college student who can get them from the bus and stay with them until when we come home.

That's what everyone needs, and it's why there's such high prices and turnover. There's a reason people get an AP for just 10-20 hours a week.

I agree, but I rather spend the money now to get my own life back. I am good with giving but not good with sharing. To me, the uncomfortableness living with a non-related person who is completely in a different phase in life is more than the extra money I would have to spend or the headache to deal with the turnover because it is constant. I give the HFs who host for years a big credit. I just can't.

We tried that route for almost a year. It is extremely difficult to keep a consistent PT nanny, unless you pay nearly FT wages for the PT work needed. If you get a college student, you’ll have them until their schedule changes. You also are left with no coverage for half days at school, days off, etc. It was inconsistent and a nightmare :/.

All true. Nannies can be more inconsistent, flaky and cost more. And yet for me personally that was better than continuing to host! I’ll take last minute cancellations from my nanny and higher rates any day over the mentally draining, immature, exhausting “roommate” who was my Au pair. I think we got a real dud AP, because I have friends who have hosted for years without issue. But that tells you how bad she was - I’m not even willing to try another AP!