Any suggestions for dealing with a child that is starting to behave poorly more frequently?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your weekly schedule with him, and what is your normal routine after you walk home from school? How much distance is the walk?

The walk is about half a mile. The schedule is that I pick him up from school, he gets his things, puts on his jacket and goes to the restroom.he gets to choose what to do first and whether he wants me to hold his bag or not. He usually does not want to go to the restroom even if he has to, but he does eventually go when I point out that we can only leave after he goes since the walk takes sometimes 20 min and we had some accidents before.

Then we walk home. As soon as we get there I make him a snack that he always gets to choose from the options his parents allow. Usually I also eat a snack with him. Then we clean up together and after that its free play for 2 to 3 hours,depending on the day. I try to bring fun activities like crafts, coloring pages, games but he almost always wants to play the same games where he tries to control everything I do. I try to discourage him from them by offering other options but he is rarely interested in anything else. In the past he was more open to suggestions, but now he rarely wants to do anything I suggest. He also always wants me to play along with whatever it is he wants. He has never played independently while with me.

I don't push anything related to play time because this is supposed to be a relaxing time for him after being in school all day. I also almost always suggest that we go to the park or play with his friends after school but he very rarely agrees. He agreed to play with friends after school maybe 3 times in nearly a year and going to the park and a children's museum about 4 times total.

He needs to play independently. Let him choose what you will do, but at the first sign that he's trying to control how you play, you stop, tell him that he doesn't get to tell other people how to play, and you turn around and read a book or do something else. After 5 minutes of quiet behavior, you can turn around and ask if he wants to play with you again, but that's 5 minutes when he's quiet, not yelling, not crying, nothing. By allowing him to get away with bossing you around, you are teaching him that he has authority with everything. I'm all for allowing a child choices, but I only offer 2 at that age, and both are acceptable to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your weekly schedule with him, and what is your normal routine after you walk home from school? How much distance is the walk?

The walk is about half a mile. The schedule is that I pick him up from school, he gets his things, puts on his jacket and goes to the restroom.he gets to choose what to do first and whether he wants me to hold his bag or not. He usually does not want to go to the restroom even if he has to, but he does eventually go when I point out that we can only leave after he goes since the walk takes sometimes 20 min and we had some accidents before.

Then we walk home. As soon as we get there I make him a snack that he always gets to choose from the options his parents allow. Usually I also eat a snack with him. Then we clean up together and after that its free play for 2 to 3 hours,depending on the day. I try to bring fun activities like crafts, coloring pages, games but he almost always wants to play the same games where he tries to control everything I do. I try to discourage him from them by offering other options but he is rarely interested in anything else. In the past he was more open to suggestions, but now he rarely wants to do anything I suggest. He also always wants me to play along with whatever it is he wants. He has never played independently while with me.

I don't push anything related to play time because this is supposed to be a relaxing time for him after being in school all day. I also almost always suggest that we go to the park or play with his friends after school but he very rarely agrees. He agreed to play with friends after school maybe 3 times in nearly a year and going to the park and a children's museum about 4 times total.

Thank you, OP, for answering my questions. I can now clearly see that your change is over-burdened with so many options and all the decisions he is being forced to make. If his parents are doing the same thing, the poor child doesn't have a chance of a happy childhood.

He needs to have zero options/decisions to make, except during his playtime, either alone or with a peer. Responsible adults should never be taking orders from a child. He's so confused.

Plan a consistent daily routine and stick to it, unless he's home sick. Once or maybe twice a week, he should have another child over for a play date. The same day of the week would be most ideal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
He needs to play independently. Let him choose what you will do, but at the first sign that he's trying to control how you play, you stop, tell him that he doesn't get to tell other people how to play, and you turn around and read a book or do something else. After 5 minutes of quiet behavior, you can turn around and ask if he wants to play with you again, but that's 5 minutes when he's quiet, not yelling, not crying, nothing. By allowing him to get away with bossing you around, you are teaching him that he has authority with everything. I'm all for allowing a child choices, but I only offer 2 at that age, and both are acceptable to me.

Thank you very much for this suggestion, I will try this. I had told him something similar before, that if he was disrespectful then I could not play with him but did not think to do the same for that issue because while he is being bossy, he asks it "nicely". As if it's just the way he likes to play, so it did not even occur to me to "punish" him for doing that. Instead I tried to reason with him. I will most definitely try your suggestion, I hope it works and he doesn't throw a huge tantrum. But will surely stand my ground if he does because I have no problem doing that. Once I say something I do not go back on my word.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, OP, for answering my questions. I can now clearly see that your change is over-burdened with so many options and all the decisions he is being forced to make. If his parents are doing the same thing, the poor child doesn't have a chance of a happy childhood.

He needs to have zero options/decisions to make, except during his playtime, either alone or with a peer. Responsible adults should never be taking orders from a child. He's so confused.

Plan a consistent daily routine and stick to it, unless he's home sick. Once or maybe twice a week, he should have another child over for a play date. The same day of the week would be most ideal.

Thank you very much for the advice! I figure that since it was related to play time it was okay to let him choose what to play with and that I didn't need to offer options for that. I never had this problem with other children with that strategy, but I can see what you mean. He might need even more consistency than most kids and I can see how limiting what he choose could help. I have read so much that children get to decide so little and that they should have choices on things that don't really matter that I usually just let them choose the non important stuff and it had worked until now. But I will definitely change this. I obviously never let him decide important things and the snack thing his parents told me he is allowed to choose, so I followed their directions assuming that it was something that worked for them.

I only initially did what he asked during play because at first it didn't seem like he was being bossy, because he often claims he wants to reenact a scene from the movie, so I thought why not. Then all of a sudden that's all he wants to do all the time. He did try to boss me around at other times demanding that I hold his bag or clean up his toys and any time that happened I made sure he knew that was not ok and did not do what he told me to. But perhaps he needs more rules.

Thanks again for your help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your weekly schedule with him, and what is your normal routine after you walk home from school? How much distance is the walk?

The walk is about half a mile. The schedule is that I pick him up from school, he gets his things, puts on his jacket and goes to the restroom.he gets to choose what to do first and whether he wants me to hold his bag or not. He usually does not want to go to the restroom even if he has to, but he does eventually go when I point out that we can only leave after he goes since the walk takes sometimes 20 min and we had some accidents before.

Then we walk home. As soon as we get there I make him a snack that he always gets to choose from the options his parents allow. Usually I also eat a snack with him. Then we clean up together and after that its free play for 2 to 3 hours,depending on the day. I try to bring fun activities like crafts, coloring pages, games but he almost always wants to play the same games where he tries to control everything I do. I try to discourage him from them by offering other options but he is rarely interested in anything else. In the past he was more open to suggestions, but now he rarely wants to do anything I suggest. He also always wants me to play along with whatever it is he wants. He has never played independently while with me.

I don't push anything related to play time because this is supposed to be a relaxing time for him after being in school all day. I also almost always suggest that we go to the park or play with his friends after school but he very rarely agrees. He agreed to play with friends after school maybe 3 times in nearly a year and going to the park and a children's museum about 4 times total.

Thank you, OP, for answering my questions. I can now clearly see that your change is over-burdened with so many options and all the decisions he is being forced to make. If his parents are doing the same thing, the poor child doesn't have a chance of a happy childhood.

He needs to have zero options/decisions to make, except during his playtime, either alone or with a peer. Responsible adults should never be taking orders from a child. He's so confused.

Plan a consistent daily routine and stick to it, unless he's home sick. Once or maybe twice a week, he should have another child over for a play date. The same day of the week would be most ideal.

Wow, that's overboard. I offer choices, but I only offer 2, and I don't care which the child chooses. I don't offer choices about things like route home (always the same), but I ask would ask whether he wants to step over cracks of hop, walk, hop, walk. By offering a child limited (age-appropriate) choices, you build the child's self-confidence and independence.

[Anonymous]

Thank you very much for the advice! I figure that since it was related to play time it was okay to let him choose what to play with and that I didn't need to offer options for that. I never had this problem with other children with that strategy, but I can see what you mean. He might need even more consistency than most kids and I can see how limiting what he choose could help. I have read so much that children get to decide so little and that they should have choices on things that don't really matter that I usually just let them choose the non important stuff and it had worked until now. But I will definitely change this. I obviously never let him decide important things and the snack thing his parents told me he is allowed to choose, so I followed their directions assuming that it was something that worked for them.

OP, do the parents want him to have unlimited choices for snacks? Is there any reason that you can't prepare two healthy snacks (carrot sticks and cheese stick or apple slices and almonds) and take them with you to meet him, so that he can choose from those two there, eat, then you can walk home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Wow, that's overboard. I offer choices, but I only offer 2, and I don't care which the child chooses. I don't offer choices about things like route home (always the same), but I ask would ask whether he wants to step over cracks of hop, walk, hop, walk. By offering a child limited (age-appropriate) choices, you build the child's self-confidence and independence.

I don't offer him unlimitted options for everything. Only to which what he wants to play with and snacks. And if he's undecided or makes a poor choice I offer 2 options for him to choose from but I will be changing that as I mentioned earlier. I thought it was fine to do that because that's what he does with his parents and I figure it worked because they never mentioned any problems when they hired me. As for the route, I don't let him choose any random route. At first we would always use the same one, the one his parents showed me that they do, however at one point when he started misbehaving I felt like I was telling him what to do all the time due to having to correct him and started offering an alternative route which happens to be faster and that I prefer. Also offered that so I could let him know that he would only get to choose which route to take (between the 2 options only) if he were nice from the start. I have started this only recently in an attempt to encourage him to be nicer and give him choices. Before we would always take the same route. For some reason I thought that free choice during play was important or at the very least not a big deal. The snack thing was not my idea, I was just following directions but will ask what he wants out of 2 options from now on and see if it helps. I'm sure he will be angry at first but I'll try it for 2 weeks at least.

Anonymous wrote:
OP, do the parents want him to have unlimited choices for snacks? Is there any reason that you can't prepare two healthy snacks (carrot sticks and cheese stick or apple slices and almonds) and take them with you to meet him, so that he can choose from those two there, eat, then you can walk home?

Yes, they often ask what he wants for dinner when I'm about to leave. An open question. Sometimes he answers something they don't want him to have and they start offering options one at a time until he agrees. They never offer more than 3 because they try the stuff he is unlikely to accept at first and then start offering things they know he will like.

I can prepare two healthy snacks but would have to do it at my own home because that's where I am before I pick him up and I don't live close to his home at all. But I'm willing to do that. I would have to check with the parents though because I think it would be strange if I start bringing food for him without their knowledge. He only eats very few things though, so if I only bring fruit it will likely be a struggle, but I'm willing to try. Usually there's always something left in his lunch box and that's almost always veggies and fruit. I always offer those to him and even when he's hungry he does not want them. Only very rarely when he actually chooses to open the lunchbox first and chooses what he will eat out of whatever is left, does he eat the things he doesn't like.


Does anyone have a suggestion for the fact that he seems to change his attitude on purpose when he sees me? I see him in his classroom before he gets out and he is always looking the same as other kids. Not terribly excited, but usually quietly listening. Sometimes looking a little sleepy or bored, but always similar to most of the kids. However, when the kids come out, he is the only one that looks down, huffs, makes angry faces. Every other kids looks either happy or neutral. Most look happy and energetic. Even the ones who also have baby sitters pick them up. Even if the baby sitters don't even interact with them or greet him or are on their phones.

Most of them also try to interact with their caregivers, each other and some even with me and my charge. But he usually just stares at them. He is not rude like he is with me, but he only looks at them and says nothing even when they ask him questions, even when I prompt him and then offer him a possible answer after realizing that he will actually not say anything. Sometimes I think it's something related to school that he takes out on me, because on the few days that he doesn't have school and I go straight to his house he is happy to see me, always. But I have tried asking him, he only said school was not fine two times, and he was nice to me on those days. All the other days he does not mention anything unpleasant happening. I also mentioned this to his parents, they also talked to him and he says the same to them, according to them. But he is very difficult to talk to and often says nothing when you talk to him and his parents tend to accept that a lot, which is not so good for me because I don't think it's acceptable for a child to not at least acknowledge you when you talk to them and he does that to me often. And of course I always tell him that we need to reply when someone talks to us, and then he does, sometimes grumpily sometimes claims he did not listen to me (even when he did). But he still does that regularly, I guess it's a habit at this point.

I always greet him happily and treat him nicely no matter what and always use that to explain that we can be nice to people even when we don't feel well, as I also don't feel well all of the time. But like I said this hasn't been having a lasting effect and it's kind of discouraging for me to go to work happy, expecting a good day or at least an okay one, ready to greet him with a happy attitude only to have him act out immediately after he catches a glimpse of me. He always know which days I pick him up because his parents tell him that every morning when he goes to school, so that's not the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your weekly schedule with him, and what is your normal routine after you walk home from school? How much distance is the walk?

The walk is about half a mile. The schedule is that I pick him up from school, he gets his things, puts on his jacket and goes to the restroom.he gets to choose what to do first and whether he wants me to hold his bag or not. He usually does not want to go to the restroom even if he has to, but he does eventually go when I point out that we can only leave after he goes since the walk takes sometimes 20 min and we had some accidents before.

Then we walk home. As soon as we get there I make him a snack that he always gets to choose from the options his parents allow. Usually I also eat a snack with him. Then we clean up together and after that its free play for 2 to 3 hours,depending on the day. I try to bring fun activities like crafts, coloring pages, games but he almost always wants to play the same games where he tries to control everything I do. I try to discourage him from them by offering other options but he is rarely interested in anything else. In the past he was more open to suggestions, but now he rarely wants to do anything I suggest. He also always wants me to play along with whatever it is he wants. He has never played independently while with me.

I don't push anything related to play time because this is supposed to be a relaxing time for him after being in school all day. I also almost always suggest that we go to the park or play with his friends after school but he very rarely agrees. He agreed to play with friends after school maybe 3 times in nearly a year and going to the park and a children's museum about 4 times total.

Thank you, OP, for answering my questions. I can now clearly see that your change is over-burdened with so many options and all the decisions he is being forced to make. If his parents are doing the same thing, the poor child doesn't have a chance of a happy childhood.

He needs to have zero options/decisions to make, except during his playtime, either alone or with a peer. Responsible adults should never be taking orders from a child. He's so confused.

Plan a consistent daily routine and stick to it, unless he's home sick. Once or maybe twice a week, he should have another child over for a play date. The same day of the week would be most ideal.

Wow, that's overboard. I offer choices, but I only offer 2, and I don't care which the child chooses. I don't offer choices about things like route home (always the same), but I ask would ask whether he wants to step over cracks of hop, walk, hop, walk. By offering a child limited (age-appropriate) choices, you build the child's self-confidence and independence.

You need to know the child. If a child has routine meltdowns with choices, scale back.

For many children,
fewer choices = more predictably/security/self-esteem.

Imagine the four year old child who says:
"Every Monday we make granola."
vs. "Sometimes we cook something."

Routines may be boring for some adults, but for most young children it gives them a sense of order in their world, even if the outside world is full of chaos.