First time as a host family--Au Pair's and going out question

[Anonymous]

I ask out of interest or just to make conversation if it comes up, but I don't go out of my way to find out. She knows if she gets into trouble she can call me. I do, however, ask what her plans are when she takes our car in the evenings. But that started after we found out that she was bending our "no drinking and driving" rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ask out of interest or just to make conversation if it comes up, but I don't go out of my way to find out. She knows if she gets into trouble she can call me. I do, however, ask what her plans are when she takes our car in the evenings. But that started after we found out that she was bending our "no drinking and driving" rule.

You kept an au pair who was drinking and driving????

[Anonymous]

We're on our 4th AP, but this is the first time we've had to deal with this issue. Other APs either did not go out as much and/or voluntarily texted us as to their plans/where they were. Our current AP has a more active social life, and also does more clubbing/drinking than prior APs. Generally, my view is that when she has free time, she is free to do what she wants, as long as (1) no driving our car if she is drinking, and (2) she is awake & ready to work at her scheduled time. We have had a couple of incidents during the year where she did not come home at night, and did not text to say where she was (phone out of power). She has also gone to parties in apartments/homes of people that she doesn't know (at least, she's not able to say exactly where she was when she reappears the next day!).

Most recently, we experienced the first incident which actually affected her ability to work. She lost her phone (ie, our phone that we give her), and overslept on a workday. When we woke her up, she was clearly hungover. Later, she told us that she actually had blacked out and had no recollection of a couple of hours during the evening. Fortunately, our AM work hours are easy (literally, making 2 lunches and walking one child one block to school in the course of an hour).

She has promised that this will not happen again. We've agreed now that she will install the Find my Friends app on her phone so that we will be able to locate it/her (as long as it has power . . .). We will be having a "reset" conversation this weekend about a variety of topics (she is in her final quarter of her year). For the future, though, I'm going to require that APs install and keep on the Find my Friends app. I'll tell them (as I will tell her) that I have no plans to check it unless she's out all night & she hasn't texted us as to her whereabouts(or if another phone is lost . . .) BTW, we ended up finding the lost phone - an Uber driver had it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're on our 4th AP, but this is the first time we've had to deal with this issue. Other APs either did not go out as much and/or voluntarily texted us as to their plans/where they were. Our current AP has a more active social life, and also does more clubbing/drinking than prior APs. Generally, my view is that when she has free time, she is free to do what she wants, as long as (1) no driving our car if she is drinking, and (2) she is awake & ready to work at her scheduled time. We have had a couple of incidents during the year where she did not come home at night, and did not text to say where she was (phone out of power). She has also gone to parties in apartments/homes of people that she doesn't know (at least, she's not able to say exactly where she was when she reappears the next day!).

Most recently, we experienced the first incident which actually affected her ability to work. She lost her phone (ie, our phone that we give her), and overslept on a workday. When we woke her up, she was clearly hungover. Later, she told us that she actually had blacked out and had no recollection of a couple of hours during the evening. Fortunately, our AM work hours are easy (literally, making 2 lunches and walking one child one block to school in the course of an hour).

She has promised that this will not happen again. We've agreed now that she will install the Find my Friends app on her phone so that we will be able to locate it/her (as long as it has power . . .). We will be having a "reset" conversation this weekend about a variety of topics (she is in her final quarter of her year). For the future, though, I'm going to require that APs install and keep on the Find my Friends app. I'll tell them (as I will tell her) that I have no plans to check it unless she's out all night & she hasn't texted us as to her whereabouts(or if another phone is lost . . .) BTW, we ended up finding the lost phone - an Uber driver had it.

you are really kind and patient to deal with this - I would put an AP into rematch if she pulled that in my house. Maybe I am just more conservative in this regard, but I don't want to deal with any drunk party girls. If they can pull it together in time to work, then fine, but it doesn't sound like yours is always able to do so.

[Anonymous]

We have to coordinate about the second car that we share, and generally ask "are you doing something fun tonight?" or "oh what movie did you see?" and sometimes ask who she's going out with just because we get to know the friends and think it's great when the au pairs start to develop friendships or if someone new is in the group and she's making a new friend. Not in an intrusive way. But typically we know what she's up to.

[Anonymous]

If you have an AP blacking out from drinking, she is not competent to care for your kids. I had an awful AP and was in denial too about how her partying impacted our family. There are always rockstars in rematch, and your fabulous new au pair could be two weeks away. Think about it.