Cutting off my mother... is it warranted?

[Anonymous]

I've had a rocky relationship with my mother for years. We were "closer" when I was younger because I did not realize what a good parent meant. She cheated on my dad and divorced him when I was about 9. I did not warm to my stepfather easily and she put constant pressure on me to be nice to him, because he loved children and I was part of the "package" my mom offered. He was very physical (constant hugs, kisses, slaps on the butt), which bothered me a great deal because I never experienced that kind of physicality from my father. When I showed resistance or discomfort I would be berated and screamed at by my mother for causing tension in her relationship. She would force me to accept the hugs and kisses and push me to return the gestures to him no matter how many times I told her I wasn't comfortable. Whenever he did something nice for me she would remind me that I was benefitting from her relationship, and without her he wouldn't be nice to me. Every time they had a fight I would be ordered to talk to him and get him to come back to her. She was physically abusive as well throughout my childhood. I should mention she was diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder but refused treatment. It's gotten worse over the years and she does not have a single stable relationship with anyone in her family or with my stepfather.

When I went to college and became exposed to my friends' families I realized she was not quite the "great mother" she always praises herself to be. There was never one event but I found myself distancing from her - the thought of talking to her on the phone or going back home caused me so much anxiety and distress that I would procrastinate until I couldn't handle her complaints anymore. She had a pretty significant medical event a few years ago and guilted me into going back to visit. I felt zero genuine concern for her, but did feel a lot of guilt and stress that I didn't want to be there for her. Of course she constantly reminds me that I am a terrible daughter/person for not calling enough, not visiting enough, not taking care of her, etc. I'm not sure how much this matters but she has not financially supported me since I left for college. There were occasional monetary gifts (a couple of hundred dollars) during college, nothing else.

Now that I have a child, I think a lot about the parent-child relationship from the other perspective. I can imagine the pain it causes a parent to be cut off and don't want do make the wrong decision or model the wrong behavior for my child. She's putting pressure on me the past year to visit and meet my child, but I can't imagine a future in which I have a template for interaction that does not cause me a lot of anguish and distress, even though all my grievances are from years ago.

Anyone have similar experiences with a parent, where there is some parental abuse but it's not .... that bad? From what I've read of parental abuse I know it can be so much worse. Is cutting her off warranted? Or should I try to find a way to forgive her and give her the opportunity to be in my child's life?

Or if you have cut off your mother - why? Give me some perspective.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think you are warranted in cutting her off. She basically fed you to the wolves. What a perv.

[Anonymous]

You could meet in a neutral location (coffee shop/restaurant) for a limited time. Have a start time and an end time. Drive yourself. Never drive her. Always control the experience - always have the opportunity to leave.

You have to visit her? Why? Why wouldn't she make the effort? Just for THAT reason -- do not go to her. If she comes to your town, a few times a year, and will meet you as I mentioned above, you could see how it goes.

[Anonymous]

There’s in between ground. And remember that whatever you do is the blueprint for your kid and that some people have low trigger thresholds so even if you think you’re a good mom, which I’m sure your mom does, you could be cut off because that will be an acceptable avenue to your child.

[Anonymous]

Having a family with untreated bipolar disorder is extremely difficult and I feel for you, whatever you decide. I do think an attempt to find “in between ground” as PP put it would be a good first start and just see how it goes while keeping firm boundaries in place. But I also understand if that isn’t realistic depending on her state of mind. Only you can really answer that but anyone who hasn’t walked in your shoes can’t judge.

I also would add that no, it matters not at all that she didn’t financially support you after you left for college!

[Anonymous]

In case this isn’t a troll post.

Therapy. Lots of therapy. Your mother is toxic - you do not have to feel guilt about anything to do with her. If you feel like you must cut her off, cut her off. Otherwise go low contact and feel no guilt about it (that is what the therapy will help with). Don’t worry about visiting.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a big decision. Either way there will be pain for you. Maybe you should see a therapist to find the best approach for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you are (rightfully) angry you had no control over your life when you were a kid and your mother caused a lot of trauma, directly and passively. Now you do have control, and as an adult you have the power to cut her off and say “no more!” No contact may give you that feeling of catharsis or closure, and it allows you the distance you need to heal yourself and do better for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s in between ground. And remember that whatever you do is the blueprint for your kid and that some people have low trigger thresholds so even if you think you’re a good mom, which I’m sure your mom does, you could be cut off because that will be an acceptable avenue to your child.

Ignore this, it's nonsense.

Sometimes you have to stop allowing people who hurt you to be in your life. It is MUCH more important to teach your child to respect themselves than to teach them they HAVE to have a relationship with someone who is abusive. If you want your child to stay in your life, treat them with respect and listen to their feedback when they express feelings. Your mother didn't do that for you. And she is currently not willing to listen or change.

[Anonymous]

If it is at all possible for you, I have found forgiveness so empowering.

My mother was pretty flawed - a screamer, a hitter, completely uninterested in her children's lives. Terrible communicator. Never said I love you. She started dating while my father was in the hospital in a coma. Had a date the night of his funeral. Some much more, but you get the idea.

I've been on my own since 19. In college, I too saw others with much more traditional family dynamics. I had planned to just completely cut all communication. And I did for about 2 years.

But at some point, I just let go of all the anger and resentment and disappointment and it was so incredibly freeing. I was able to move on with my life, without this weight around my neck.

For comparison, my sister still has a lot of baggage from our childhood/my mother and has lots of unhealthy habits including drinking and smoking in excess, and has a victim mentality, blaming much on our mother for her lot in life.

I see my mom a few times a year, not for more than 24-48 hours. My DC has a relationship with her (and she is actually very warm and kind with him).

I don't have strong daughter/maternal feelings for her. But she is a relative with a shared history, and I do feel responsible for her care as she gets older, as I would a relative or neighbor that I have the ability to help.

But most importantly, if you are able to forgive your mom for all of her shortcomings and failures, it will be empowering for YOU, and enhance your quality of life.

[Anonymous]

There is a lot of space between cutting her off and forgiveness. Or even cutting her off and the status quo.

Before moving to cutting off, I'd put in place some firm, non negotiable boundaries.

Take some time, sit with yourself, and think: Knowing what you know (about your mother, about the harm she's done, about your own feelings of guilt if you have them) make a decision about how much contact you think is appropriate.

I would plan to start with a monthly call or Zoom, and no visits for at least six months until you see how she reacts to your boundaries, with a tentative visit in your mind in 9-12 months. But you'e got to determine what works for YOU because as you've seen, your mother only cares about what works for HER.

But here's the rub: You also decide that this "she constantly reminds me that I am a terrible daughter/person for not calling enough, not visiting enough, not taking care of her, etc." is unacceptable. She gets one warning on the nagging and a zero tolerance policy for name calling or saying you're a terrible daughter.

So, you call. You chat. She says "You need to come visit me!" You say "Mom, I understand you want to see me, but I'm not going to be able to visit until at least the spring. I'm not discussing it further." She says "that's too far, you need to come now." You say "Gotta go, Mom, bye!" and hang up on her. She calls back, you don't answer. If the call lasts 30 seconds, then the call lasts 30 seconds. That's HER FAULT. You'll call again in a month.

If you call in a month and the first thing she does is say "Finally, you call back. What a terrible daughter, hanging up on her own mother." You say "Mom, I won't be insulted by you. Goodbye" and you hang up again.

What you're doing here is putting the ball in her court. She will either adapt and shut her trap, in which case you can figure out what balance of visits is worth trying, or she won't, and she'll get 20 seconds to insult you once a month and her lack of relationship with you will be ENTIRELY her fault. If she never adjusts, then at some point, you can decide it's just not worth it and cut her off completely.

If you're reading this and thinking "there's no way I can do this, that sounds impossible, you don't understand her, I'll lose so much sleep over this" then it's time to talk to a therapist to help you work through it.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s in between ground. And remember that whatever you do is the blueprint for your kid and that some people have low trigger thresholds so even if you think you’re a good mom, which I’m sure your mom does, you could be cut off because that will be an acceptable avenue to your child.

Ignore this, it's nonsense.

Sometimes you have to stop allowing people who hurt you to be in your life. It is MUCH more important to teach your child to respect themselves than to teach them they HAVE to have a relationship with someone who is abusive. If you want your child to stay in your life, treat them with respect and listen to their feedback when they express feelings. Your mother didn't do that for you. And she is currently not willing to listen or change.

+1. The poster above is out of their mind. You cutting off or distancing yourself from your mother will not cause your children to do the same. You understand respect and boundaries. Your mother does not.