I have two boys and one is “impulsive’ like you describe. He has ADHD and has been getting help for it for years. When little, this one was physically aggressive with people, so we had to work hard to teach him that he couldn’t do this without getting in trouble both at home and at school. It was tough on my other son who often bore the brunt of his hitting as they were growing up.

If you haven’t had your younger son evaluated to see what is behind his “impulsiveness”, please do so immediately so he can get the help he needs (maybe medication and cousling). Your older son does need counseling immediately both individually and as a family to address his anger. It is never OK for a son to hit a woman and that needs to be made crystal clear so he doesn’t do it to anyone ever again. It sounds like he was at his breaking point and hit you out of desperation to be heard. If there is a way to separate the living arrangements of the kids until things settle down, I would look into it. I’m surprised your DH only talked to your son after he slapped you. I admire his restraint. There’s no telling what mine would have done if either kid did that to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you not immediately slap his face back? I'm sorry he slapped you, that would have been my reaction. Everything and I mean everything would be gone and that would just be the start.

my kid is only 9 so I’m not in the teen years yet. BUT I can guarantee if she slaps me she is getting a slap back and loss of everything that brings her joy.

Same.

Anonymous wrote:If either one of my kids slapped me they would get f-ing whiplash from how fast they lost every single one of their privileges/“freedoms”. And they would also be treated to an earful about what sort of person lays their hands on their mother.

This. And My husband would have thrown him to the ground.

For those of you saying that you would have hit the son back (or your husband would have), I'm curious. Are you saying that the violence is a sound parenting strategy, or that it would be instinct? If sound parenting strategy, how do you think it will help resolve the situation moving forward?

Seems one of the issues in this family is that people tend to react to violence with violence. How does perpetuating that help?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of the people saying they would hit their child back really helps me understand why this country is in the state it’s in.

Not one of those PPs, but if my teenage son hits me in the face, I’m not going to be a doormat about it.

Nope, neither am I.

Privileges... what are those?

No phone, games.... NOTHING. He wouldn't have to worry about his social life, it would be non existent.

Your younger son doesn't appear to be the only one with anger issues.

Anonymous wrote:In my house, this would result in full lock down. All privileges gone. Mandatory counseling and possibly some sort of domestic abuser program. I might go to school with him for a week, walk beside him in the hall, and sit beside him in class before escorting him home.

Don't be ridiculous.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like your older kid made a shockingly poor decision in his attempt to get you to understand the situation from his perspective.

I'm not trying to excuse this but rather just understand it. That action comes from a different place than a purely violent impulse towards a parent.

+1

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this, OP. You all need professional help. I've known teen brothers to have the rare physical fight but clearly this is much deeper than that. Please know you and Dh didn't case your younger son's mental health challenges and slapping your older kid in the moment would accomplish nothing. PP is right that he's probably been holding in a wide range of emotions and trauma for years. That doesn't make his actions OK, but I get it.

People who have only dealt with NT people will NOT understand, so don't let the hurtful words here bother you.

I agree with this. But he needs to understand he can never do that again

Good luck OP. Sounds like a tough situation. You need to sit and have a heart to heart with your older son. And show some compassion to yourself. You are going through a lot. Teenagers can be incredibly hard to handle at times. Some of the posters on this thread seem unhinged. A few people have given you good advice though. Hang in there!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guys, this woman was just hit by her son. And she clearly has a difficult situation at home.

Can you all please be careful and kind with your tone?

I hear what you're saying but it really seems like the OP needs a wake up call. She isn't protecting the older brother from the violence perpetuated by the younger brother. It doesn't excuse the older child's violence but it sure does explain it. She needs to take immediate action because her kids are out of control. I agree with the poster who says she needs to call the younger son's therapist and get a consult immediately. She may need to even separate the kids or have the younger son placed into a residential facility for a bit.

PP you are responding to. I agree- she asked for advice, so people should give it…kindly. It is the nasty tone of many of these responses that I take issue with.

I am the PP who also experienced violence from my son. Here’s the thing. Normal parenting techniques don’t work for mentally ill kids. A mentally ill family member creates dynamics and challenges that you can’t imagine. The other kids in the family have to grow up and learn to live with their mentally ill family member - not fair but it’s the reality. Sometimes the reality of that is over their heads and they do stupid things - but there is a lot on their plates. And there are so few resources for help and guidance. The criticism I see here reminds me how few people get it. I am glad to see that PP reminded people to be kind. OP I hope you’ve gotten some advice that is helpful. In the future you might want to post on special needs board.

Medication.

Neuropsychs and targeting therapies for the Dx. Everyone needs positive coping methods. Not negative ones like arguing, pushing, yelling, lying.

Leave the house during the violent temper tantrums.

Put unhealthy kid in a different environment, school, center.

Put healthy kid with relative or friends house to live.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And a few posts in, we are blaming the parent of course.

OP you need to consult a professional. I would definitely remove all privileges from older child. That’s a big red line.

Sounds like the parent is to blame.

The younger son has 'uncontrollable anger' and accidentally 'elbowed the older son in the jaw'. How TF do you accidentally elbow anyone in their jaw? That's a deliberate provocation.

On top of that the elder son has so little respect for the parent who interfered on the younger son's side that they decided to retaliate against the parent to show them how it feels.

That's poor parenting for both sons.

Please clarify how a parent prevents a person from developing “uncontrollable anger,” which is often the result of a mental health challenge. Since you know it all…

Because in this case according to OP her younger son has been angry for years taking it out on the other one. Learned in their house.

This will not be a one off.

Older son will hit his GF and or wife.

OP get your family help now.

Punishing or natural consequences do not work for anyone on the spectrum. They will blame you for everything they do or say. It’s insanity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son slapped you unprovoked and your husband just talked to him?

Okay.

This, both your kids are having behavior problems for a reason.

OP's younger son has mental health issues and contrary to all the wisdom posted here, those issues cannot be punished away.

But you can punish for the sake of the victim. The older son is obviously feeling neglected, because he is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to call the police before he does that to someone else.

This is the dumbest thing I have probably ever read.

That poster is clueless. That post is one of the stupidest things ever posted on dcum.

DP. It's very bad advice to the mother but it's a consideration she should have at front of mind. This behavior will absolutely result in her child's entanglement with the legal system and it will do so sooner rather than later.

Call it on the younger son who provokes and gets physical. Older son should call.

Can any of you imagine any of these sons married??? Fix this $hite!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to call the police before he does that to someone else.

This is the dumbest thing I have probably ever read.

That poster is clueless. That post is one of the stupidest things ever posted on dcum.

It’s not stupid. My friends father had to call the police 4-5x a year for the schizophrenic mothers rages. Growing up. She’s been in Therapy for years as an adult but doing well now, married a a kid.

Same for my current friend married to an ASD / bipolar II spouse when he has an abusive meltdown. They are divorcing and he’s playing the victim, no way it will work as he’s delusional.