OMG, please, please leave. That is abuse. You should read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. He is not going to ever change.

Ugh. I got the same bad, bad advice.

Even enjoy spending the money. Live for the kids. Socialize more, get a massage!

Such bad advice to being abused.

OP here.

My lawyer couldn't accompany me to get the temp restraining order (15 days) because it was after hours so you don't go to the court, you go to the cops. I suspect the police officer who took my statement didn't believe me (?) because he told me to make eye contact a few times while I was talking with him, which was hard because I was crying and humiliated at giving a statement multiple times (he kept bringing more cops to evaluate my credibility) in public on that concrete slab outside of the police HQ. So maybe he told the magistrate that he didn't think I was to be taken seriously. I read later somewhere that cops equate eye contact with honesty, which is ridiculous because a sociopath doesn't feel shame about a situation, but a humiliated person does. But...you know....our criminal justice system is so just....

Many people responded by saying I was probably trained to put up with this. I guess I was, because I experienced all kinds of abuse as a child. But there's still a lot of pragmatic advice I've heard -- "wait until the pandemic is over. / Find what makes you happy. / You will still have to deal with him when you are divorced and with joint custody, but you will have less leverage, so stick it out until the kids are older."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, any reason magistrate/judge refused to give you a restraining order. Did you go with your lawyer?

Temp or permanent? Big difference.

Temporary ROs are very easy to get. As a woman, you just need to go in front of a magistrate and say something and you would get it for 15 days.

So what’s the point? Trigger an ahole to get violent on day 16 when allowed back home? Love to see the judge track records of physical abuse and deaths after that.

you may want to read why does he do that? by lundy bancroft (or a similar introduction on the dynamics of abuse and coercive control). if you are in an abusive relationship, there are likely to also be other controlling, manipulative, and/or verbally abusive behaviors that you are have overlooked.

Anonymous wrote:There is a specific kind of woman who attracts this kind of abusive BF or DH. Th

The reason that my DH would never be abusive is because I am a woman who would just walk out the door if my husband misbehaved like this. This was pretty evident even when I was not married. I only attracted decent guys. The whackjobs stayed away from me because they knew that I would not accept that behavior. The needy, clingy, messed-up, submissive women were their intended targets. It has nothing to do with SAHM or WOHM either, or who makes how much money. I have seen plenty of high earning very accomplished professional women who are controlled by abusive husbands.

If you are not willing to use the nuclear option, especially if you have children involved then no one can help you.

Nice victim blaming and patting yourself on the back at the same time. I agree with you up to a point but dang that's a nasty way to say it. Also many women with abusive husbands were children with abusive parents.

Ok. It is your life, so decide what is best for yourself and do it. It doesn't matter what anyone on DCUM, or your therapist or marriage counselor think.

OP what is the goal of you posting this? To make yourself feel better about staying with your DH? Your tone is superior, but I’m not really sure what you have to feel superior about.

From my reading of your situation, it sounds like the professionals don’t want to alienate you because maybe you’re in the gray zone of an abusive-but-not-deadly and since you have kids (it sounds like you do?) they would rather keep an eye and help you and your kids out than have you disappear and not be able to help. It’s a “meet them where they’re at” type of situation, and yes, they’ve all seen far worse because they’re professionals dealing with dysfunctional and dangerous situations. The fact that they shrug about your marriage and violence isn’t exactly a *good* thing. Your situation for someone who doesn’t deal with a DH who physically harms them *should* surprise people in good marriages. If that’s “sheltered” to you because they haven’t experienced violence, then I just feel pity for you.

Unless you are a sex-trafficked kidnap victim being controlled by drugs, violence in a middle eastern or south American country by the cartel and has zero hopes of escaping from the prison...you have all the choices.

You choose to endure the torture so no one else cares. For most of us, you are just a pathetic gutless victim who is whiny.

There is a specific kind of woman who attracts this kind of abusive BF or DH. Th

The reason that my DH would never be abusive is because I am a woman who would just walk out the door if my husband misbehaved like this. This was pretty evident even when I was not married. I only attracted decent guys. The whackjobs stayed away from me because they knew that I would not accept that behavior. The needy, clingy, messed-up, submissive women were their intended targets. It has nothing to do with SAHM or WOHM either, or who makes how much money. I have seen plenty of high earning very accomplished professional women who are controlled by abusive husbands.

If you are not willing to use the nuclear option, especially if you have children involved then no one can help you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, any reason magistrate/judge refused to give you a restraining order. Did you go with your lawyer?

Temp or permanent? Big difference.

Temporary ROs are very easy to get. As a woman, you just need to go in front of a magistrate and say something and you would get it for 15 days.

Why are you surprised? You're an adult, make your own decisions.

I have a good friend who just got back together with a controlling, verbally abusive boyfriend. At some point she will call crying because of him. Her dad ( former cop) will say " I told you so."

There's nothing anyone can say or do.

* I was called crazy by home… and …

Anonymous wrote:I hate to ask the obvious OP, but what had you just said when he did this?

Does it matter?

I’ve said “quit acting like a jerk” to my raging husband who was not leaving on time thus had a tantrum and was called crazy and told to “not call him names” and was backhandedly slapped. You cannot talk, reason, discuss anything with abusers. They fly off the handle at anything that’s built up, then act all normal an hour later while you’re still shaking.

I hate to ask the obvious OP, but what had you just said when he did this?