Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 20:56     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?


This!!!


It makes me so sad that we are to a point where a woman is greedy if she wants to stay home with children. 100 years ago, a woman wasn’t allowed to work. Now she’s a terrible person if she wants to stay home. How did we get to this?


That is flat-out not true. Women have worked, including outside the home, for centuries. Women worked as maids, weavers, cooks, governesses, teachers, nannies, nurses, factory workers, shop girls, prostitutes, laundresses, seamstresses, etc. And women labored on farms and in home businesses forever. The idea that a woman would just stay at home and not help the home generate income, but just take care of kids, has never been the norm.

And she's not a terrible person because she wants to stay home, but because she thinks she's entitled to have another adult pay her way whether he wants to or not, and assumes bad things about her husband without even talking to him about it.


Why is everyone saying she wants him to pay her way? If they’re married and already have a high NW (maybe even high enough to live off already) then why can’t she live off that? From her post it sounds like they DON’T need more money! If he is so GD insecure about his job security and ability to support his family then I think that alone is a good enough reason not to have any more kids. Clearly they can’t afford it.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 20:55     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:It seems you and your husband don't share the same valuesm. My husband and I talked about this before marriage and I agreed I would always work. After having my kids I changed my mind but kept to my agreement overall I'm happy. I plan to retire early. Your kids actually need you the most as teens so why not count on retiring and being at home during that time?

Don't count your inheritance. I know plenty of people who counted on an inheritance and through circumstances it didn't work out. Maybe pick a less demanding job or he has to pick up just as much oof the domestic work because you work.


We did talk about this pre marriage. My own mother stayed home. I think my values have changed. I also agree that older kids can really need a parent at home. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t seem to be on board with this.

I agree about not counting on inheritance. We haven’t done that in terms of financial planning. I simply mentioned it because I was trying to point out that my husband doesn’t really need to worry about paying the bills. We don’t even have a mortgage
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 20:52     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?


So much this. A spoiled brat grown into an adult. Yikes.


A spoiled brat because I want to stay home with a child?
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 20:52     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
It seems you and your husband don't share the same valuesm. My husband and I talked about this before marriage and I agreed I would always work. After having my kids I changed my mind but kept to my agreement overall I'm happy. I plan to retire early. Your kids actually need you the most as teens so why not count on retiring and being at home during that time?

Don't count your inheritance. I know plenty of people who counted on an inheritance and through circumstances it didn't work out. Maybe pick a less demanding job or he has to pick up just as much oof the domestic work because you work.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 20:51     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?


This!!!


It makes me so sad that we are to a point where a woman is greedy if she wants to stay home with children. 100 years ago, a woman wasn’t allowed to work. Now she’s a terrible person if she wants to stay home. How did we get to this?


That is flat-out not true. Women have worked, including outside the home, for centuries. Women worked as maids, weavers, cooks, governesses, teachers, nannies, nurses, factory workers, shop girls, prostitutes, laundresses, seamstresses, etc. And women labored on farms and in home businesses forever. The idea that a woman would just stay at home and not help the home generate income, but just take care of kids, has never been the norm.

And she's not a terrible person because she wants to stay home, but because she thinks she's entitled to have another adult pay her way whether he wants to or not, and assumes bad things about her husband without even talking to him about it.


Yeah, the OPs interpretation of the world with her as this bizarre imaginary victim is obnoxious, super entitled, and wildly ignorant of history to boot.


You both are extremely harsh. Wow.

Entitled? I came on here saying I may not have another child so I can continue working. How is that entitled? I don’t view myself as a victim at all. I simply want to live a nice life and having two kids and working as a lawyer sounds unpleasant. I try to make good decisions in life and it doesn’t sound wise to have another child with the desire to stay home, when that could affect my marriage. My marriage comes before children.

I apologize about not understanding history. All I can say is that 100 years ago, there were likely zero husbands out there demanding that their wives have more kids and also be a lawyer. Yes, I realize many women had jobs.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 20:51     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?


So much this. A spoiled brat grown into an adult. Yikes.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 20:47     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:I only read the first page. These posts were obnoxious.

Op, I totally get what you are saying! Having to have a high powered career AND have a second kid without feeling like you can stay home after sucks if what you want to stay home. It’s like, you’re supposed to make lots of money but also go through the exhaustion of pregnancy and another kid while also steaming ahead with your careeer. That’s annoying if it’s not what you want and I could totally see stopping after one kid in your case.


OP here. This is exactly how I feel.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 20:31     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?


This!!!


It makes me so sad that we are to a point where a woman is greedy if she wants to stay home with children. 100 years ago, a woman wasn’t allowed to work. Now she’s a terrible person if she wants to stay home. How did we get to this?


That is flat-out not true. Women have worked, including outside the home, for centuries. Women worked as maids, weavers, cooks, governesses, teachers, nannies, nurses, factory workers, shop girls, prostitutes, laundresses, seamstresses, etc. And women labored on farms and in home businesses forever. The idea that a woman would just stay at home and not help the home generate income, but just take care of kids, has never been the norm.

And she's not a terrible person because she wants to stay home, but because she thinks she's entitled to have another adult pay her way whether he wants to or not, and assumes bad things about her husband without even talking to him about it.


Yeah, the OPs interpretation of the world with her as this bizarre imaginary victim is obnoxious, super entitled, and wildly ignorant of history to boot.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 20:21     Subject: Re:no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
How much does DH make? I have the opposite problem…
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 20:11     Subject: Re:no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
I haven't read the replies, so sorry if I'm repeating myself. First, this is something that needed to be discussed prior to marriage. Second, I know plenty of lawyer moms. My next door neighbor is one and she has 3 kids. Her H is also a lawyer. She works for a mid size firm and she know she won't make partner, but she has good W/L balance. Her H is in house. The fed is full of lawyers.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 20:11     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
I'm perplexed about OP's statements that (1) it's de rigueur in her culture for mothers to SAH, (2) her husband is from the same culture, and (3) her husband and his parents place a high value on work (including on her specifically working). I went to a fancy east boarding school and am an UC WASP and I am a FT WOHM. No one in my culture thinks it's bizarre when women both work and raise kids.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 20:00     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?


This!!!


It makes me so sad that we are to a point where a woman is greedy if she wants to stay home with children. 100 years ago, a woman wasn’t allowed to work. Now she’s a terrible person if she wants to stay home. How did we get to this?


That is flat-out not true. Women have worked, including outside the home, for centuries. Women worked as maids, weavers, cooks, governesses, teachers, nannies, nurses, factory workers, shop girls, prostitutes, laundresses, seamstresses, etc. And women labored on farms and in home businesses forever. The idea that a woman would just stay at home and not help the home generate income, but just take care of kids, has never been the norm.

And she's not a terrible person because she wants to stay home, but because she thinks she's entitled to have another adult pay her way whether he wants to or not, and assumes bad things about her husband without even talking to him about it.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 19:58     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
I only read the first page. These posts were obnoxious.

Op, I totally get what you are saying! Having to have a high powered career AND have a second kid without feeling like you can stay home after sucks if what you want to stay home. It’s like, you’re supposed to make lots of money but also go through the exhaustion of pregnancy and another kid while also steaming ahead with your careeer. That’s annoying if it’s not what you want and I could totally see stopping after one kid in your case.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 19:56     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:Here are things that you don't do in a marriage unless BOTH partners are in agreement:

- Remove yourself from the workforce
- Have a kid


If you're husband wants you to work, you work. It is the default position of being an adult. Adults don't get to unilaterally decide that someone else will be responsible for your financial support.

Likewise, if you don't want to have a 2nd kid, you don't. Adults don't get to unilaterally decide to make someone else a parent.

The above said, you say that you may never was to return to the workforce. Perhaps that is what is so off-putting to your husband. What reason would you have to never go back to work? Maybe you two could compromise with an agreement that you'll quit or go part-time for x number of years, then go back.

Saying that you just want to stop working forever is just not a good look, no matter how much you don't need the money. Think about it -- if you're a lawyer, then your husband fell for someone who was apparently intelligent and driven. That is the type of woman he is attracted to. Surely you can see that announcing that you want to become a lady who lunches might cause him concern? He may fear that you would become someone he doesn't like/respect/is attracted to.


^^ I don’t think this board is a good place to come if you want to SAH. Many people on here have opinions like the one above. They really don’t grasp how many women stay home or want to stay home but simply can’t because they have bills to pay. I think the references to large inheritances derailed the conversation.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 19:54     Subject: Re:no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Having read all the posts from this entitled OP, I agree she should not have more children. Sounds like a selfish disaster of a marriage, and not a great environment for children.


It’s selfish to stay home with children?

If anything, I care about my children. I simply want to spend time with my children instead of adding to my already high net worth. I don’t want more money. I want time with my children.


NP. So why don't you quit your job and contribute the equivalent of your annual pay to the household, from your high net worth? Or ask your parents to give you that amount every year from your expected inheritance. Then you can still contribute financially, and stay home.
You weren't counting husband's income in your high net worth, were you? That's HIS high net worth.
m

We have 100% joint finances. I already contributed some of my inheritance by purchasing our family home in cash. We both own it through a trust.