This makes me sad. I suffered debilitating Crohns flares for 6 years, lived in and out of hospitals, was infertile, always in paib, coked up on drugs, could eat hardly anything, and life was very hard. He lived me, took care of me, did a lot of care on his own of pur daughter, and gave up a lot. I wouldn't be where I am today without him. Be their rock to lean on not to bury them.

Anonymous wrote:why are all these chronically ill people making all these babies? Maybe wear a condom while you at least get a diagnosis and treatment?

Eugenics, alive and well in 2021.

This is a real toughie.

Some people are just not cut out to be permanent caretakers & it is what it is.

Ideally it would be a perfect world if everyone who gets married are willing to deal w/certain challenges that may arise.
But for those who simply cannot or are just too miserable to even try - they are better off leaving sooner rather than later.

Hurt feelings will still emerge, however the longer a bad situation goes on, the deeper the hurt will lie. ❤️‍🩹

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RA stinks, but it's not as debiltating as OP makes it out. Either OP is really dramatic, or spouse is overly dramatic. I have lived with serious RA for 30 years. It really should not have this kind of negative affect on a marriage. You really both just need therapy to identify why you're both making yourselves into victims instead of just dealing with it and living your lives.

You are either a liar or incredibly ignorant. The very first thing any Rhuematoligist will tell you is that autoimmune disorders very tremendously by patient. There is no uniform reaction. For some it's an incoveiance while for others its debilitaing and life alteriing.

DP, not the one to whom you're responding. The point of the thread is not a debate over the seriousness of RA.

It's about the OP wanting to ditch his or her spouse who has been diagnosed with a chronic condition..

It's about how the OP wants to hear that it's fine to divorce due to the spouse having this condition, and it's about the fact that OP wants to (1) dismiss any ideas of "in sickness and in health" and (2) dismiss any ideas of "you're focused on the difficult past, and not on the possibility things could improve now that spouse has a real diagnosis."

OP needs to cool his (or her?) jets, stop focusing on how to get out of the marriage at least for now, and re-evaluate why they got married in the first place. Some more time and treatment may make a difference. Of course RA is different for each patient and of course the spouse might not get the excellent results of some PPs here with RA drugs, but OP has no way to know that yet. It's early days; the diagnosis is very recent, OP said.

The saddest thing about this thread is there is zero sense that OP loves the spouse as a person. At least, not enough to still see that beloved person beneath the pain and testing. OP only talks about resentment and about being the main breadwinner with so much child care to do etc. etc. Nothing said about love or respect for the spouse as an individual human being the OP cared enough about to marry. I hope the spouse isn't aware that OP sees spouse only as a burden and a bundle of pain, not as a person. That's tragic.

Anonymous wrote:RA stinks, but it's not as debiltating as OP makes it out. Either OP is really dramatic, or spouse is overly dramatic. I have lived with serious RA for 30 years. It really should not have this kind of negative affect on a marriage. You really both just need therapy to identify why you're both making yourselves into victims instead of just dealing with it and living your lives.

You are either a liar or incredibly ignorant. The very first thing any Rhuematoligist will tell you is that autoimmune disorders very tremendously by patient. There is no uniform reaction. For some it's an incoveiance while for others its debilitaing and life alteriing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:why are all these chronically ill people making all these babies? Maybe wear a condom while you at least get a diagnosis and treatment?

I was diagnosed at 16. Had my children at 30, and 32, after 15 years of treatment.

My spouse had an acute autoimmune flare that resulted in a transplant. Our kids were young elementary schoolers at the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With three young kids, and a very sick spouse you will be responsible regardless OP.

Dream on. A guy/gal like this just resents the loss of HIS caregiver and will remarry swiftly to take the load off his/her back and onto someone else's.

He'll have new problems especially with the resentment of the children and lifetime alimony. My friend has a minor disability (her knee), and her husband has to pay lifetime alimony unless she gets remarried. They never had children. Also, at his age nearing 50 most women will have children which will present new problems. Sad it takes a illness to find out just who you married, but I feel very sorry for his wife.

How long were they married? Duration of alimony has much more to do with length of marriage but I didn’t go for the disability angle.

RA stinks, but it's not as debiltating as OP makes it out. Either OP is really dramatic, or spouse is overly dramatic. I have lived with serious RA for 30 years. It really should not have this kind of negative affect on a marriage. You really both just need therapy to identify why you're both making yourselves into victims instead of just dealing with it and living your lives.

Wow I am a class A selfish b*tch and even I would not consider leaving my spouse for a condition out of his control. I married for love though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG- you all have NO idea how difficult it can be on a marriage to take care of a spouse who has special needs like this. It is unrelenting and worse than being a single parent at times. You don’t want to think about what you would do in this situation and so you are castigating OP. Everyone is acting like cheating or leaving someone for no other reason than you think you can do better than your spouse is morally better than leaving because you have become a martyr in your marriage and are constantly running on empty taking care of an entire household AND managing a special needs adult.

OP- see if you can find treatments and look into spousal support groups for people with special needs. This sucks sometimes and you have to have a place where you can feel your feelings about this too.

I don't think 5-10 day spells 2-3 times a year is special needs and unrelenting. How different is it than a spouse who has to travel for work or works opposite shifts?

Omg just stop. You are entirely clueless. Just shut up. I’m a new poster. I am youngish, with kids and I also have a spouse with incurable chronic illness. It’s a million times worse than being a single parent. You can’t imagine. Don’t dismiss our feelings when you absolutely have no clue.

The hell I am--I am a caregiver spouse.

Oh really ? then where’s your compassion?

I dropped it somewhere in the pity party.

Yeah you must be a pitiful human being

Anonymous wrote:why are all these chronically ill people making all these babies? Maybe wear a condom while you at least get a diagnosis and treatment?

I got the first flare and diagnostic 3 months after having a child. It's very very common for women to have the first flare after pregnancy.

Really eye opening to read how ifnorant most people are about the range of arthritis related diseases.

I have gout, was diagnosed in my third flare at 42. I went to sleep on enight totally pain free and normal, then I literally woke up in absolutely blinding pain. My ankle had swollen to 5 times the size. I had never known pain so incredibly, blisteringly brutal.

Off to the ER where they originally misdiagnosed as cellulitis. They put me on a morphine drip and sent me home with Oxycontin.

A year later same thing, only this time it was my knee. Again they tried to claim cellulitis even though my WBC count was normal. Again with the pain meds.

Six months later it came again but presented as more typical in my big toe. Again to the DR and this time he screamed gout before he even drew blood.

I'll go 7 months without a flare and then have two attacks in three weeks. This is with meds nd a managed diet.

You really just can not be sure you'll evere be fine. It's great meds work for some but they don't work for all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:why are all these chronically ill people making all these babies? Maybe wear a condom while you at least get a diagnosis and treatment?

I was diagnosed at 16. Had my children at 30, and 32, after 15 years of treatment.

My relative got it in her 40s. It was bad for awhile until they had her on new drugs and she is doing great today. Her husband actually left her for another woman. She got the house and the kids, but he did get the debt saddled OW! I guess it wasn't greener. OW died and the family didn't want him back then he died 3 years later. Depressed and wasn't taking care of himself. My relative sold her house recently for 6 times what they paid, which I'm sure if her husband was alive it will kill him all over again, lol.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With three young kids, and a very sick spouse you will be responsible regardless OP.

Dream on. A guy/gal like this just resents the loss of HIS caregiver and will remarry swiftly to take the load off his/her back and onto someone else's.

He'll have new problems especially with the resentment of the children and lifetime alimony. My friend has a minor disability (her knee), and her husband has to pay lifetime alimony unless she gets remarried. They never had children. Also, at his age nearing 50 most women will have children which will present new problems. Sad it takes a illness to find out just who you married, but I feel very sorry for his wife.

Anonymous wrote:why are all these chronically ill people making all these babies? Maybe wear a condom while you at least get a diagnosis and treatment?

I was diagnosed at 16. Had my children at 30, and 32, after 15 years of treatment.