Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

+1 This is quite accurate. I’d add that the most marriageable men end up getting scooped up early, so a willingness to enter a very serious relationship by mid-twenties can be important.

I think it’s important to add that good looks does not mean you will be lucky in love. I’ve known quite a few attractive women who cannot get it together and pick the right kind of guy. They have their pick, but they’re attracted to commitment-phobes, bad boys, and guys who don’t treat them well. I don’t necessarily think that male attention early on will cultivate a healthy self esteem, but if you already have a healthy self esteem at a young age (aka was raised in an emotionally healthy/functional, two parent household) these women will realize they have their choice early on. I’ve also known many attractive women who took their mother’s advice to delay marriage and spent years living with a great guy who wouldn’t commit. After the breakup, these women end up entering a dating market that is much different and tougher than they remember it.

PP here. I was actually going to add, I also have beautiful friends who have struggled. In their case it was their lack of emotional maturity and femininity that hindered them.

Marriageable guys know from an early age what kind of girl to go for. They do not go for the hot party girl who is not feminine and is masculine in her disposition. They will sleep with her and date her, but never marry her.
Guys just know. Its mostly biology.

This. I was the hot party girl. Sure they wanted to sleep with me, but they all married Plain Jane.

Um...to him she probably wasn't plain though...

Anonymous wrote:The happiest, luckiest couples I know have a really great friendship first and foremost. A real friendship, based on fun, common interests, actually being interested in the other person, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

+1 This is quite accurate. I’d add that the most marriageable men end up getting scooped up early, so a willingness to enter a very serious relationship by mid-twenties can be important.

I think it’s important to add that good looks does not mean you will be lucky in love. I’ve known quite a few attractive women who cannot get it together and pick the right kind of guy. They have their pick, but they’re attracted to commitment-phobes, bad boys, and guys who don’t treat them well. I don’t necessarily think that male attention early on will cultivate a healthy self esteem, but if you already have a healthy self esteem at a young age (aka was raised in an emotionally healthy/functional, two parent household) these women will realize they have their choice early on. I’ve also known many attractive women who took their mother’s advice to delay marriage and spent years living with a great guy who wouldn’t commit. After the breakup, these women end up entering a dating market that is much different and tougher than they remember it.

PP here. I was actually going to add, I also have beautiful friends who have struggled. In their case it was their lack of emotional maturity and femininity that hindered them.

Marriageable guys know from an early age what kind of girl to go for. They do not go for the hot party girl who is not feminine and is masculine in her disposition. They will sleep with her and date her, but never marry her.
Guys just know. Its mostly biology.

This. I was the hot party girl. Sure they wanted to sleep with me, but they all married Plain Jane.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

Ha well consider me the exception! I am happily married and I’m not like that at all. I am a five, six tops in looks if I don’t make an effort, and I am not nurturing, soft, or feminine. Well I am nurturing but really only toward my own kids. I actually stopped wearing heels when I started dating DH because he is on the shorter side and only six inches taller (which I guess suggests some kind of femininity but still).

I have a fun personality, I’m smart, I’m nice to people, I listen to DH, we have good conversations, and DH thinks I’m a really good mom to his kids. I have a good body but if I didn’t I probably would have just married somebody less attractive.

I still think it’s mostly just luck. I didn’t cultivate any of those qualities, I was just born with them, and DH is just seriously committed to cultivating a quality marriage.

Being smart is much higher in confidence interval as far as genetic blessing goes than being pretty.

Being pretty goes a long way, I have beautiful friends in their 40s continue to receive attention from DH and in general.

Perhaps. Self confidence is something that I have to cultivate—it doesn’t come naturally to me at all—but doing well in school and such does help a lot. Probably more than attention from men (for me anyway, I don’t really care for attention from random men).

Since beauty is such a huge social signifier for women, girls who are natural beauties reap the rewards early in life. Being treated well and with respect as a young girl instill innate self confidence that those who are not as good looking have to work very hard to cultivate and develop.

This self confidence also plays a part in helping pretty girls marry well by picking well.

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think some people find love so easily and effortlessly while others struggle or are perpetually single?

Why do you think some people find true love and their partners so easily while others wait years to find it and endure so much heartbreak? Dumb luck?

I’ve (32F) always found relationships/hook-ups somewhat easily but that’s probably because I’m outgoing and conventionally attractive. I found true love and a potential life partner at 19 but he unexpectedly passed away from a heart defect in 2012, a few weeks before he closed in on a house and I was set to move in. My next LTR was outwardly perfect but actually really abusive - we lived together and were engaged but I was finally brave enough to walk away in summer 2017. Had boyfriends since then but nothing too serious or memorable.

Needless to say I’ve endured a lot of heartbreak. I’ve feel like I’ve been addressing it as best as can be. I’ve built a really great life for myself and at 32, I feel like I’m in a place where I’m actually OK being single and really know what I want in a partner. Not willing to settle! Met some really great men lately but Kobe that I feel was a good match long-term. I sometimes do wonder why some people around me, like my mom, sister and some friends, found good partners so young and without any effort. It’s literally like they walked into a happy relationship and lifelong commitment without every really trying. My sister has been with her boyfriend since 18 and she’s 24 now. My mom has been happily married since age 23. A lot of my friends are married to their high school or college loves. Meanwhile, I have other friends who can barely even get a text back and have been on the singles market for years. A few have never even been in an LTR. They struggle to find good partners and it makes me pretty sad to see this.

There is no real difference in these friends (male and female) in attractiveness or awesomeness. They’re all equal in my eyes. And I’m not wondering this to be bitter - I’m generally just curious. I also know no one is immune to breakup up or divorce. Is it just dumb luck? It be like that sometimes?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The happiest, luckiest couples I know have a really great friendship first and foremost. A real friendship, based on fun, common interests, actually being interested in the other person, etc.

Agree

Anonymous wrote:I assume the combo if "attractive enough" and "easygoing" are pretty desirable to dudes.

Anonymous wrote:Read Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others (the title is more misogynistic than the book). I found it rather insightful.

Anonymous wrote:From where I sit, women who are lucky in love vary as to looks or personality traits, but they have one thing in common:

They are focused on what they want out of the relationship, and they are completely ready to exit relationships that do not lead to their goal quickly. They do not ask if this will get better, if they can change the man, if this is not so bad after all. They are ready to leave quickly.

Pretty much every single beautiful, successful, single girlfriend I have now (we are all in late 40s) has spent years in dead-end, utterly unsuitable relationships. This has hampered their chances in the marketplace as the pool of men shrinks while standards become higher.