Anonymous
Post 06/26/2021 06:12     Subject: DH working out every night for 2 hours
Anonymous wrote:OP here- I'm actually a fellow, so still not on an attending physician salary. I moonlight frequently to pay things like our old condo mortgage (one reason why we need to rent it out!) We do have a cleaner, but they come only once per month and we plan to hire a nanny once baby 3 comes. I can appreciate all that he’s sacrificed to get us here. I sometimes forget, bc he says he loves his job and is generally happy with it. I will say though, he typically travels once per week for work (this has come to a halt during COVID), so we frequently had help in the past, but we lost a lot of it with COVID (sitters moved back to their families, etc). I realize that a lot of these things are temporary and my salary will jump in a few years. But right now we are strapped financially.


Then it is time to play the long game. You don’t make a lot of money NOW but you will soon. The pregnancy/baby years are the absolute hardest time on the parents physically and now is the time to hire help. It’s okay if you don’t save right now. It’s okay to stop retirement contributions for a few years if that’s what it takes. Hire help. Both of you need it NOW. When your baby is 3 it will be infinitely easier to ramp up and make up the difference later, but you will never get this time back.

Have your cleaners come once a week, at a minimum.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2021 05:50     Subject: DH working out every night for 2 hours
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here- I'm actually a fellow, so still not on an attending physician salary. I moonlight frequently to pay things like our old condo mortgage (one reason why we need to rent it out!) We do have a cleaner, but they come only once per month and we plan to hire a nanny once baby 3 comes. I can appreciate all that he’s sacrificed to get us here. I sometimes forget, bc he says he loves his job and is generally happy with it. I will say though, he typically travels once per week for work (this has come to a halt during COVID), so we frequently had help in the past, but we lost a lot of it with COVID (sitters moved back to their families, etc). I realize that a lot of these things are temporary and my salary will jump in a few years. But right now we are strapped financially.


whoa. this seems like a very solvable problem!


Exactly!
The real estate market is so hot right now, properties that have been put on the market in 2021 are receiving between 4 - 10 bids on average (including condos.

This year has been the definition of a sellers market, as there's not enough inventory anywhere.

I may have missed you saying so, but WHY on earth would you burden yourself with being a landlord on top of everything else as well??

Anonymous
Post 06/26/2021 00:54     Subject: DH working out every night for 2 hours
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Take it from a guy that cheated, he’s having an affair.


Take it from a guy who works out a lot, he's not cheating.

Take it from the same guy that cheated, I workout a lot too, but not two hours. Maybe, just maybe, 30-45 minutes of weights and an hour of cardio. But no way on this earth, two hours of weights. If he is, he’s wasting a lot of time between sets. You should know that Mr. Olympia.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2021 14:35     Subject: DH working out every night for 2 hours
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. His runs during the weeks are more like 40 mins, but before them he sits at his computer planning them and then he come back and does stretches or some strength training. Either way, I’m very annoyed. After I come home from work I either get on my exercise bike while the kids are running around around me, and before I was this pregnant I would go on nighttime runs for 30 mins, but wouldn’t spend any other time doing stretches or whatever. I’m definitely feeling taken advantage of, especially bc all year all I’ve heard about is how hard his life has been. I don’t doubt it was hard for a while, but he certainly needs to step it up now. We don’t have money for extra help and I’d be angry at him if I had to spend it to give him time away from basic responsibilities.


As a physician I just assumed that you had money to hire help.


All of her hired help could go to an entire family of dysfunction. Or who knows what else. Thinking otherwise is very narrow minded.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2021 14:17     Subject: Re:DH working out every night for 2 hours
Ugh, why are you having a third child with this fool?
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2021 13:52     Subject: DH working out every night for 2 hours
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here- I'm actually a fellow, so still not on an attending physician salary. I moonlight frequently to pay things like our old condo mortgage (one reason why we need to rent it out!) We do have a cleaner, but they come only once per month and we plan to hire a nanny once baby 3 comes. I can appreciate all that he’s sacrificed to get us here. I sometimes forget, bc he says he loves his job and is generally happy with it. I will say though, he typically travels once per week for work (this has come to a halt during COVID), so we frequently had help in the past, but we lost a lot of it with COVID (sitters moved back to their families, etc). I realize that a lot of these things are temporary and my salary will jump in a few years. But right now we are strapped financially.


That’s tough. I think you need to have a sit down conversation. He may be resentful of how much he’s had to do during the pandemic (and has had to do for all your years of training) and not expressing it in a healthy way. Being a spouse of a physician is no joke. Make sure to validate his potential frustrations and come to a mutual agreement. It’s hard but you’ll get through.

-mom also in medical training


DP it just feels nice to hear someone say that there are challenges related to being a spouse of a physician. I feel fortunate that my spouse now has a stable well paying job, but the long hours, lack of flexibility, the zero sick/personal days, the loss of some weekends, the difficulty in taking vacations, and just the stress of handling everything childcare/school/house/planning/organization related. Not to mention the lack of income for the first 6 years together while finishing med school and residency and being the sole provider during that time, and then being stuck with over $400k in school debt.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2021 13:43     Subject: DH working out every night for 2 hours
Anonymous wrote:OP here- I'm actually a fellow, so still not on an attending physician salary. I moonlight frequently to pay things like our old condo mortgage (one reason why we need to rent it out!) We do have a cleaner, but they come only once per month and we plan to hire a nanny once baby 3 comes. I can appreciate all that he’s sacrificed to get us here. I sometimes forget, bc he says he loves his job and is generally happy with it. I will say though, he typically travels once per week for work (this has come to a halt during COVID), so we frequently had help in the past, but we lost a lot of it with COVID (sitters moved back to their families, etc). I realize that a lot of these things are temporary and my salary will jump in a few years. But right now we are strapped financially.


whoa. this seems like a very solvable problem!
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2021 12:24     Subject: DH working out every night for 2 hours
Anonymous wrote:OP here- I'm actually a fellow, so still not on an attending physician salary. I moonlight frequently to pay things like our old condo mortgage (one reason why we need to rent it out!) We do have a cleaner, but they come only once per month and we plan to hire a nanny once baby 3 comes. I can appreciate all that he’s sacrificed to get us here. I sometimes forget, bc he says he loves his job and is generally happy with it. I will say though, he typically travels once per week for work (this has come to a halt during COVID), so we frequently had help in the past, but we lost a lot of it with COVID (sitters moved back to their families, etc). I realize that a lot of these things are temporary and my salary will jump in a few years. But right now we are strapped financially.


I just finished fellowship (and had my second baby during!) so I empathize with the "i'm a doc but not rolling in $$"! I think you're taking the right track by encouraging him to work out but trying to limit the ADHD related procrastination/prep time waste! And keep reminding yourself it is temporary. I'm marathon training and I time runs for either early AM or after the kids go to bed at night. I do one longer run in the AM one weekend day and my husband watches them for a few hours but otherwise I agree it would be unfair to schedule all my workout time during such a busy time of day- the dinner/cleanup/bath/bedtime few hours is really busy with little ones.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2021 12:22     Subject: DH working out every night for 2 hours
Anonymous wrote:OP here- I'm actually a fellow, so still not on an attending physician salary. I moonlight frequently to pay things like our old condo mortgage (one reason why we need to rent it out!) We do have a cleaner, but they come only once per month and we plan to hire a nanny once baby 3 comes. I can appreciate all that he’s sacrificed to get us here. I sometimes forget, bc he says he loves his job and is generally happy with it. I will say though, he typically travels once per week for work (this has come to a halt during COVID), so we frequently had help in the past, but we lost a lot of it with COVID (sitters moved back to their families, etc). I realize that a lot of these things are temporary and my salary will jump in a few years. But right now we are strapped financially.


That’s tough. I think you need to have a sit down conversation. He may be resentful of how much he’s had to do during the pandemic (and has had to do for all your years of training) and not expressing it in a healthy way. Being a spouse of a physician is no joke. Make sure to validate his potential frustrations and come to a mutual agreement. It’s hard but you’ll get through.

-mom also in medical training
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2021 11:59     Subject: DH working out every night for 2 hours
OP here- I'm actually a fellow, so still not on an attending physician salary. I moonlight frequently to pay things like our old condo mortgage (one reason why we need to rent it out!) We do have a cleaner, but they come only once per month and we plan to hire a nanny once baby 3 comes. I can appreciate all that he’s sacrificed to get us here. I sometimes forget, bc he says he loves his job and is generally happy with it. I will say though, he typically travels once per week for work (this has come to a halt during COVID), so we frequently had help in the past, but we lost a lot of it with COVID (sitters moved back to their families, etc). I realize that a lot of these things are temporary and my salary will jump in a few years. But right now we are strapped financially.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2021 08:43     Subject: DH working out every night for 2 hours
Anonymous wrote:Op is it that you are living a life you can’t afford? As a physician married to another earner you should have some extra income plus you have another kid on the way.

As a fellow person in medicine whose husband is the default parent due to my long hours- I’m actually team husband here.I think you are under playing how much work he has done to support your career as a physician and maybe he’s trying to tell you in a passive aggressive way that he’s done doing everything on his end and for you to step it up. I’m like you- I enjoy having babies and being pregnant but like being on the floors more and struggle with spending time with my young kids at home because I find in exhausting but then I think about how I just expect my husband to do this type of work all the time for sick days or other things because of how inflexible our medicine can be. It has been me more sympathetic to my husbands needs and we’ve decided to step up our help and support system plus have fewer kids. I’ve noticed that lots of physicians have many kids but the nature of our jobs makes it impossible to do well without help.

In short, reduce your expenses and hire a nanny. And maybe consider the third your last.


+100

The happiest one-physician families I know have lots of child are help.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2021 08:27     Subject: DH working out every night for 2 hours
Op is it that you are living a life you can’t afford? As a physician married to another earner you should have some extra income plus you have another kid on the way.

As a fellow person in medicine whose husband is the default parent due to my long hours- I’m actually team husband here.I think you are under playing how much work he has done to support your career as a physician and maybe he’s trying to tell you in a passive aggressive way that he’s done doing everything on his end and for you to step it up. I’m like you- I enjoy having babies and being pregnant but like being on the floors more and struggle with spending time with my young kids at home because I find in exhausting but then I think about how I just expect my husband to do this type of work all the time for sick days or other things because of how inflexible our medicine can be. It has been me more sympathetic to my husbands needs and we’ve decided to step up our help and support system plus have fewer kids. I’ve noticed that lots of physicians have many kids but the nature of our jobs makes it impossible to do well without help.

In short, reduce your expenses and hire a nanny. And maybe consider the third your last.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2021 07:32     Subject: DH working out every night for 2 hours
Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. His runs during the weeks are more like 40 mins, but before them he sits at his computer planning them and then he come back and does stretches or some strength training. Either way, I’m very annoyed. After I come home from work I either get on my exercise bike while the kids are running around around me, and before I was this pregnant I would go on nighttime runs for 30 mins, but wouldn’t spend any other time doing stretches or whatever. I’m definitely feeling taken advantage of, especially bc all year all I’ve heard about is how hard his life has been. I don’t doubt it was hard for a while, but he certainly needs to step it up now. We don’t have money for extra help and I’d be angry at him if I had to spend it to give him time away from basic responsibilities.


As a physician I just assumed that you had money to hire help.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2021 07:16     Subject: Re:DH working out every night for 2 hours
OP, do yourself a favor and start outsourcing as much as possible. If he doesn’t want to spend the money, then he can do more around the house. Focus on your mental and physical health first. And don’t have any more kids with this man.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2021 22:43     Subject: DH working out every night for 2 hours
Op here. Yes, he is diagnosed with ADHD, but doesn’t like the side effects of meds.we talked. But about it, so he just did a 45 min peloton ride before we had some friends over- and I’m fine with that! Even though I had to push him to get off the couch and do it and not just research which instructor, blah blah blah. I like the sticky notes idea! Thank you!

I definitely don’t think this is the worst offense, it’s just becoming habit and I feel exhausted and as if I’m being taken advantage of. I also don’t make a ton of money by any means. His job pays relatively well, and is pretty flexible, but here are times he has to stick around the house for phone calls, etc.