Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.

It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.

If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.

I don't know why that's considered a strange setting? It's totally normal to be nervous around the parents of a serious SO and want to take the edge off.

You need to ask the opinions of your friends that do drink moderately and have been around him in order to really have full perspective around this.

DP. It's strange because you have to read the room. You don't consume 4 - 5 beers when others are drinking nothing or very little.

Plus, it sounds like the fiancé has been around the family many times. This isn't a first meeting, which frankly if it was that would be even worse.

This was maybe the third time.

I do blame myself for not saying "hey, let's not drink today, it's a sore spot for my family and they don't like to see alcohol being consumed'

This would be an insane thing, to have to stage-manage relationships in this way. Surely you realize this?

It's what people who are in relationships with alcoholics do.

Anonymous wrote:I've been with my boyfriend for close to three years. We are talking about getting engaged. He is truly a wonderful guy - kind, extremely hard working, considerate of me/my friends and family, and helpful and kind to others, even people he doesn't know. My family really likes him. However, last week my parents sat me down and raised an issue. They told me they love S/O, but thinks he drinks too much and asked if I thought he had a drinking issue. My parents/family in general don't drink AT ALL (several alcoholics in the family) and were concerned that (for example) at a family dinner, the vast majority of people weren't drinking or were having one glass of wine and he had 4-5 beers. Another time, we met up with them after a sporting event and in fairness he was pretty tipsy, although not aggressive or otherwise embarrassing.

I was so upset and taken aback by this, and really disappointed my parents (whose approve means a lot to me) feel this way. On one hand - I think he does drink too much and too often and should cut back for health reasons. On the other hand - he has NEVER been abusive, aggressive, or unkind to me (or anyone) when drinking; would never drive drunk; doesn't drink alone (unless he is extremely good at hiding it; we live together in a studio apt and I WFH full time); he works a very demanding (sometimes physical) job that requires him to leave for work around 3 AM and the drinking has never impacted that. In his mid-20s, he went several years without drinking due to a health problem (not alcohol related). I also blame myself in that I also like to drink and frequently WILL suggest happy hours, brunch, etc. as activities.

I guess I'm not sure how to proceed. My first thought is to frame it as "hey I think we've been drinking too much - can we make an effort to have some alcohol free date nights?" and see how it goes. I would be devastated to end this relationship but at the same time, don't want a lifelong commitment with someone who may have an issue with alcohol.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.

It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.

If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.

I don't know why that's considered a strange setting? It's totally normal to be nervous around the parents of a serious SO and want to take the edge off.

You need to ask the opinions of your friends that do drink moderately and have been around him in order to really have full perspective around this.

DP. It's strange because you have to read the room. You don't consume 4 - 5 beers when others are drinking nothing or very little.

Plus, it sounds like the fiancé has been around the family many times. This isn't a first meeting, which frankly if it was that would be even worse.

This was maybe the third time.

I do blame myself for not saying "hey, let's not drink today, it's a sore spot for my family and they don't like to see alcohol being consumed'

This would be an insane thing, to have to stage-manage relationships in this way. Surely you realize this?

Anonymous wrote:I've been with my boyfriend for close to three years. We are talking about getting engaged. He is truly a wonderful guy - kind, extremely hard working, considerate of me/my friends and family, and helpful and kind to others, even people he doesn't know. My family really likes him. However, last week my parents sat me down and raised an issue. They told me they love S/O, but thinks he drinks too much and asked if I thought he had a drinking issue. My parents/family in general don't drink AT ALL (several alcoholics in the family) and were concerned that (for example) at a family dinner, the vast majority of people weren't drinking or were having one glass of wine and he had 4-5 beers. Another time, we met up with them after a sporting event and in fairness he was pretty tipsy, although not aggressive or otherwise embarrassing.

I was so upset and taken aback by this, and really disappointed my parents (whose approve means a lot to me) feel this way. On one hand - I think he does drink too much and too often and should cut back for health reasons. On the other hand - he has NEVER been abusive, aggressive, or unkind to me (or anyone) when drinking; would never drive drunk; doesn't drink alone (unless he is extremely good at hiding it; we live together in a studio apt and I WFH full time); he works a very demanding (sometimes physical) job that requires him to leave for work around 3 AM and the drinking has never impacted that. In his mid-20s, he went several years without drinking due to a health problem (not alcohol related). I also blame myself in that I also like to drink and frequently WILL suggest happy hours, brunch, etc. as activities.

I guess I'm not sure how to proceed. My first thought is to frame it as "hey I think we've been drinking too much - can we make an effort to have some alcohol free date nights?" and see how it goes. I would be devastated to end this relationship but at the same time, don't want a lifelong commitment with someone who may have an issue with alcohol.

Anonymous wrote:I've been with my boyfriend for close to three years. We are talking about getting engaged. He is truly a wonderful guy - kind, extremely hard working, considerate of me/my friends and family, and helpful and kind to others, even people he doesn't know. My family really likes him. However, last week my parents sat me down and raised an issue. They told me they love S/O, but thinks he drinks too much and asked if I thought he had a drinking issue. My parents/family in general don't drink AT ALL (several alcoholics in the family) and were concerned that (for example) at a family dinner, the vast majority of people weren't drinking or were having one glass of wine and he had 4-5 beers. Another time, we met up with them after a sporting event and in fairness he was pretty tipsy, although not aggressive or otherwise embarrassing.

I was so upset and taken aback by this, and really disappointed my parents (whose approve means a lot to me) feel this way. On one hand - I think he does drink too much and too often and should cut back for health reasons. On the other hand - he has NEVER been abusive, aggressive, or unkind to me (or anyone) when drinking; would never drive drunk; doesn't drink alone (unless he is extremely good at hiding it; we live together in a studio apt and I WFH full time); he works a very demanding (sometimes physical) job that requires him to leave for work around 3 AM and the drinking has never impacted that. In his mid-20s, he went several years without drinking due to a health problem (not alcohol related). I also blame myself in that I also like to drink and frequently WILL suggest happy hours, brunch, etc. as activities.

I guess I'm not sure how to proceed. My first thought is to frame it as "hey I think we've been drinking too much - can we make an effort to have some alcohol free date nights?" and see how it goes. I would be devastated to end this relationship but at the same time, don't want a lifelong commitment with someone who may have an issue with alcohol.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.

It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.

If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.

I don't know why that's considered a strange setting? It's totally normal to be nervous around the parents of a serious SO and want to take the edge off.

You need to ask the opinions of your friends that do drink moderately and have been around him in order to really have full perspective around this.

DP. It's strange because you have to read the room. You don't consume 4 - 5 beers when others are drinking nothing or very little.

Plus, it sounds like the fiancé has been around the family many times. This isn't a first meeting, which frankly if it was that would be even worse.

This was maybe the third time.

I do blame myself for not saying "hey, let's not drink today, it's a sore spot for my family and they don't like to see alcohol being consumed'

Anonymous wrote:4-5 drinks at a dinner seems like a lot - was he nervous? Is he uncomfortable around your family?

Maybe social anxiety or something else is the issue and alcohol is the symptom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of using your parents or DCUM posters as your gauge...why don't you look up what ACTUAL EXPERTS say about this.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking

This one tells you his risk of becoming a problem drinker, based upon his current patterns:

https://www.rightstep.com/rehab-blog/risk-drinking-excessive-drinking-defined-niaaa/

Your parents love you very much, and want to be sure that you are not entering into a high risk marriage.

I would NOT mention your parents to the SO, but do your own homework. If you have concerns, share them with him (using reputable professional sources, again, not family sources) and see how he reacts.

Because it needs repeating.

Thank you, these are helpful.

After reading these, I don't think BF is an alcoholic, but I think we BOTH could benefit from less 'partying' type drinking (and no drinking at all at family functions). I may start with suggesting we try a 'dry' month, or substitute an active date for a weekly happy hour. If he balks at that...well...that's a more serious issue.

Op was it really just two events over a long time? I asked above, wondering why this specifically you won’t answer. Two times over the course of years seems like your parents being crazy and picky

In that case I think most of these people are being a little insane. If I told you my worst drinking story it would a million percent look like I was an alcoholic
(got so drunk was stumbling around a city in the dark, threw up into my purse on the steps of a hotel and someone called an ambulance!), but it was just one crazy night. Even in parental settings, I have had a night where I drank too much around my parents.

Today I am a mom of three that basically only drinks when out which is maybe 1-2 times a month and if I have more than three drinks I get sick because my tolerance is so low hahaha.

People have to be judged on this on a totality of incidents, I know very few people that don't have some crazy or just mildly stupid stories involving alcohol.

And I had an alcoholic parent FWIW so I am not making light of it overall.

It's really not about what you think. As po pointed out most people will paint their actions in a better light,band make allowances for other's actions that are similar to their own.

By expert definition op's fiance is a problem/ binge drinker.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of using your parents or DCUM posters as your gauge...why don't you look up what ACTUAL EXPERTS say about this.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking

This one tells you his risk of becoming a problem drinker, based upon his current patterns:

https://www.rightstep.com/rehab-blog/risk-drinking-excessive-drinking-defined-niaaa/

Your parents love you very much, and want to be sure that you are not entering into a high risk marriage.

I would NOT mention your parents to the SO, but do your own homework. If you have concerns, share them with him (using reputable professional sources, again, not family sources) and see how he reacts.

Because it needs repeating.

Thank you, these are helpful.

After reading these, I don't think BF is an alcoholic, but I think we BOTH could benefit from less 'partying' type drinking (and no drinking at all at family functions). I may start with suggesting we try a 'dry' month, or substitute an active date for a weekly happy hour. If he balks at that...well...that's a more serious issue.

Op was it really just two events over a long time? I asked above, wondering why this specifically you won’t answer. Two times over the course of years seems like your parents being crazy and picky

In that case I think most of these people are being a little insane. If I told you my worst drinking story it would a million percent look like I was an alcoholic
(got so drunk was stumbling around a city in the dark, threw up into my purse on the steps of a hotel and someone called an ambulance!), but it was just one crazy night. Even in parental settings, I have had a night where I drank too much around my parents.

Today I am a mom of three that basically only drinks when out which is maybe 1-2 times a month and if I have more than three drinks I get sick because my tolerance is so low hahaha.

People have to be judged on this on a totality of incidents, I know very few people that don't have some crazy or just mildly stupid stories involving alcohol.

And I had an alcoholic parent FWIW so I am not making light of it overall.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of using your parents or DCUM posters as your gauge...why don't you look up what ACTUAL EXPERTS say about this.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking

This one tells you his risk of becoming a problem drinker, based upon his current patterns:

https://www.rightstep.com/rehab-blog/risk-drinking-excessive-drinking-defined-niaaa/

Your parents love you very much, and want to be sure that you are not entering into a high risk marriage.

I would NOT mention your parents to the SO, but do your own homework. If you have concerns, share them with him (using reputable professional sources, again, not family sources) and see how he reacts.

Because it needs repeating.

Thank you, these are helpful.

After reading these, I don't think BF is an alcoholic, but I think we BOTH could benefit from less 'partying' type drinking (and no drinking at all at family functions). I may start with suggesting we try a 'dry' month, or substitute an active date for a weekly happy hour. If he balks at that...well...that's a more serious issue.

Op was it really just two events over a long time? I asked above, wondering why this specifically you won’t answer. Two times over the course of years seems like your parents being crazy and picky