Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was 13. I knew it was mainly my dad's fault, even though as far as I know there was no cheating. He checked out of the marriage, and the family, pretty completely in the years prior.

I was pretty angry with him as a teenager. What helped was my mom never said a bad word about him. But she did acknowledge some facts about how he was acting. Things like "I realize your dad hasn't been as involved lately, but he is a good dad and he really loves you". As an adult, I can appreciate how hard those words had to be for my mom. She had to be mad as hell at him! But she never let me slide into my own anger about it. She'd just repeat "he is a good dad and he loves you".

Acknowledge how hard it is for your kid. But also reinforce how much you love them, and how much their dad loves them. It really does matter, especially for these kids about the enter the tumultuous teen-dom of their lives. I often heard my mom saying "your dad loves you" and it helped me really believe it at a time he wasn't great at showing it.

My relationship with my dad could have been destroyed forever. Even in divorce, she was the glue who held us together. I love her so much for it. And I do love my dad, even though he isn't always the sitcom dad. He does love me, and always has.

I am perplexed why your mother would say, and you would believe, that he was being a "good dad". That is exactly the kind of gaslighting people are talking about. I would never raise my child to believe checking out of marriage and family is being a good dad. Because it just isn't.

Because telling their kid in middle of a divorce that their dad doesn't love them does nobody any good. Why is this so difficult to recognize that a kid will be destroyed by the idea that a parent doesn't care about them. Also, why is so difficult to understand that as adults, we often have different perspectives on how our parents acted then when we were kids (and I am not justifying cheating.)