This is a common thing I used to hear from adults in the 80s and 90s but not since. When discussing engagements families always point out married parents as a positive thing. It is a super outdated mindset but divorce, abuse, past marriages and kids all have statistical concerns but it's crazy to judge a huge group by a label.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my DC is dating someone I ask (and hopefully it is natural to do so?) - what do the parents do? And Are they still together? If I’m asking I guess it does matter to me. I’d prefer if the parents were still married, as I think it speaks to the values with which a person was raised (and I’m saying this dully aware of the hardships that I know many family and friends have had to resolve or overcome in order to stay in their marriages)

Ugh...you don't get it. I had no choice in my divorce. He left for.a midlife affair. Unresolved childhood issues. I had no idea that unresolved childhood issues would maniifest later in life in a destructive way. All I knew was that I loved him and I believed that with enough loveI could fix him. That might make me naive, but it doesn' mean ai have no values.I was in for life! Shame on you for insinuating that people in similar situations don't have the values to raise kids to make good decisions in the future about marriage.

DP but.... your children were also raised by their father who sounds like he sucks. All else held equal I’d rather my kids not marry the kid of a man who didn’t have enough impulse control not to blow up his life.

Anonymous wrote:When my DC is dating someone I ask (and hopefully it is natural to do so?) - what do the parents do? And Are they still together? If I’m asking I guess it does matter to me. I’d prefer if the parents were still married, as I think it speaks to the values with which a person was raised (and I’m saying this dully aware of the hardships that I know many family and friends have had to resolve or overcome in order to stay in their marriages)

Ugh...you don't get it. I had no choice in my divorce. He left for.a midlife affair. Unresolved childhood issues. I had no idea that unresolved childhood issues would maniifest later in life in a destructive way. All I knew was that I loved him and I believed that with enough loveI could fix him. That might make me naive, but it doesn' mean ai have no values.I was in for life! Shame on you for insinuating that people in similar situations don't have the values to raise kids to make good decisions in the future about marriage.

I think this weeds out too many people but.re OP's statement "it seems kind of mean to dismiss people based on their parents' actions," I do think it's fair to be wary of a problematic childhood even if they aren't the fault of the now-adult. Most issues adults have stem from whatever was going on when they were growing up. It's about having eyes open to red flags.

Anonymous wrote:What happens if your or his parents get divorced while you are married?

I guess they have to get divorced too. LOL. Seriously, can't wait to hear the answers to this.

I am a child of divorce and I wouldn't care if someone didn't want to date me because of it. It's a wide world. No different that someone saying they would never date an only child or a flat chested woman or a man with a receding hairline

Anonymous wrote:A lot of you sound like Victorian schoolmarms.

Just very naive, with limited life experience and quite frankly talking out of their asses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if a woman leaves her husband because the husband beat her, no one should marry her daughter?

It’s not that black and white. Did the daughter get therapy after growing up in an abusive household? Does she still have contact with the abusive father? I would be very wary of wanting my child to marry into a family where there is a history of abuse, too...

I wouldn't want my child to marry your child, talk about MIL issues.

Anonymous wrote:So if a woman leaves her husband because the husband beat her, no one should marry her daughter?

It’s not that black and white. Did the daughter get therapy after growing up in an abusive household? Does she still have contact with the abusive father? I would be very wary of wanting my child to marry into a family where there is a history of abuse, too...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this an OK standard to have?

My fiance told me he would never date a woman with divorced parents. He said it normalizes divorce, they grow up in a home where marriage is temporary, and in a lot of cases they no longer have a father. I think I agree with him, but it seems kind of mean to dismiss people based on their parents' actions.

I know people who said that and then married into families with generations of highly dysfunctional marriages. The kind that any sane person would have ended if they respected themselves. Often the kind that the kids were miserable growing up in and then replicated for themselves because they didn’t have role models for how to exit a toxic relationship. But, yeah, that 50th wedding anniversary party is going to look great on FB.

Exactly! I know families like that too - generations of toxicity and dysfunction, but hey, marriage is not supposed to be easy!

If two people who believe people should stay together no matter how miserable they are or how terrible they might be to or for each other find each other and get together, that is a good thing for the rest of the dating world.

Anonymous wrote:Is this an OK standard to have?

My fiance told me he would never date a woman with divorced parents. He said it normalizes divorce, they grow up in a home where marriage is temporary, and in a lot of cases they no longer have a father. I think I agree with him, but it seems kind of mean to dismiss people based on their parents' actions.

I know people who said that and then married into families with generations of highly dysfunctional marriages. The kind that any sane person would have ended if they respected themselves. Often the kind that the kids were miserable growing up in and then replicated for themselves because they didn’t have role models for how to exit a toxic relationship. But, yeah, that 50th wedding anniversary party is going to look great on FB.

I would marry someone from an amicably divorced household over someone who watched a miserable or abusive relationship be normalized throughout their entire life because the parents didn't want to divorce.

And yeah, generally I think it's pretty close-minded and awful to hold someone's family against them. It's all about how they have internalized those relationships and the work they've done on themselves.

Ooof that’s a touchy subject. All other things equal, it’s better if the person’s parents are married and in a relatively stable/happy marriage. Of course nothing is perfect. But the fact is, there are a lot of problems that stem from divorce. Not necessarily the divorce itself, I think kids know when their parents are unhappy and need to split up. But a large percentage of my female friends who have divorced or single parents were sexually and/or physically abused as kids, unfortunately, because they were shuttled around to so many different places and saw so many relatives and acquaintances for child care. It’s a known fact that “mom’s boyfriend”/the stepdad is the perpetrator in a lot of child abuse cases. Then those people tend to have tough adult relationships because of the trauma they endured in childhood ... leading to a lower likelihood of them having a stable and healthy marriage themselves.

Jokes on him then. My parents stayed together for the kids, but they really don't get along with each other.