Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s silly to think that every divorced man or woman out there is damaged goods. My husband and I are separating after 20 years because we basically fell out of love years ago. We’ve been more like friends and roommates for years, he doesn’t spark attraction in me anymore and probably vice versa, and we’re both ready to move on now that both kids are almost out of high school. He’s a great man and he would make someone a great husband or partner. And I hope he does find love again...which speaks to how my feelings for him have changed and I don’t really feel jealous at the thought of that.

I’m sure he and I are not the only ones in this situation. I hear it mentioned on this board a lot...that love has evolved into a non-romantic, more roommates kind of marriage.

+1 right here. I love my DH as a person, and want him to be happy. But I don't want to be married to him anymore. We will continue our life together until our youngest is out of the house and then separate our lives. He is by no means more damaged goods than your average person, has a great job, and is a terrific dad. He makes terrible dad jokes and insists on listening to strange avant-garde music but he's fine really.

a lot of times it's cheating...a lot of the times the wife.

Yes- because it is never something they will disclose to others. The 'fell out of love' is easiest.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s silly to think that every divorced man or woman out there is damaged goods. My husband and I are separating after 20 years because we basically fell out of love years ago. We’ve been more like friends and roommates for years, he doesn’t spark attraction in me anymore and probably vice versa, and we’re both ready to move on now that both kids are almost out of high school. He’s a great man and he would make someone a great husband or partner. And I hope he does find love again...which speaks to how my feelings for him have changed and I don’t really feel jealous at the thought of that.

I’m sure he and I are not the only ones in this situation. I hear it mentioned on this board a lot...that love has evolved into a non-romantic, more roommates kind of marriage.

+1 right here. I love my DH as a person, and want him to be happy. But I don't want to be married to him anymore. We will continue our life together until our youngest is out of the house and then separate our lives. He is by no means more damaged goods than your average person, has a great job, and is a terrific dad. He makes terrible dad jokes and insists on listening to strange avant-garde music but he's fine really.

a lot of times it's cheating...a lot of the times the wife.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"+1 right here. I love my DH as a person, and want him to be happy. But I don't want to be married to him anymore. We will continue our life together until our youngest is out of the house and then separate our lives. He is by no means more damaged goods than your average person, has a great job, and is a terrific dad. He makes terrible dad jokes and insists on listening to strange avant-garde music but he's fine really."

The problem is that for many people, the ability to leave a marriage because it's not great is a marker of damage. I married expecting that we'd get bored with one another, and I committed to addressing that head on and not walking away. I wouldn't find a person who thinks it's fine to walk away appealing as a life partner, because he'd do the same thing with me that he did with you. He lacked perspective on what a life partner is, and he lacked either the energy or skill to fulfill his marriage commitment. That's not attractive.

Well said PP. I have been married 20+ years, kids are grown, our finances are in order, and the marriage is ... "comfortable". You might even say we are both bored in a long term boring marriage. What this means, in all reality, is that we are very "close" as partners but there is little to no "passion" left in the relationship. Sometimes at dinner we just do not have much to talk about. For me, if I am completely honest that means I just am not all that excited to "hear about her day". And for her, I have zero delusions that she ever really gets horny for me.

But let me tell you all a secret: we both just fake it. Perhaps a less cynical way of saying is we both do the work for our relationship to succeed. And you know what? It totally works! I listen to her dramatic work stories, she pretends to still want regular sex with me. We both are pretty happy with this. Its all about having a good attitude and staying committed.

You are proud of yourself because you fake it? Good for you. I did that since my wedding day and after 8 years, I realized it was a horrible, horrible way to live. If you are content, fine. But got other people, it is so soul-sucking and can lead to major depression. No thanks. Thankfully, I am divorced and never be so stupid again to stay in a situation where I am actively living a lie and faking it. (Also had other issues but advising people to fake it and claiming your marriage is a success is ridiculous).

I should add that I know someone who fits the description of PPs’ soon-to-be ex husbands. He’s a nice guy, great job, in shape, great dad. He and his wife split for the same reasons (lack of excitement), but he’s still good friends with her. I feel sorry for the women he dates. On the one hand, he has unrealistic expectations and expects the fireworks that were missing from his marriage. On the other hand, he’s still in love with his ex wife, whom he regards as his best friend. So that leaves any future girlfriend wife with the burden of having to be thrilling all the time to a man who is also somewhat emotionally unavailable to her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"+1 right here. I love my DH as a person, and want him to be happy. But I don't want to be married to him anymore. We will continue our life together until our youngest is out of the house and then separate our lives. He is by no means more damaged goods than your average person, has a great job, and is a terrific dad. He makes terrible dad jokes and insists on listening to strange avant-garde music but he's fine really."

The problem is that for many people, the ability to leave a marriage because it's not great is a marker of damage. I married expecting that we'd get bored with one another, and I committed to addressing that head on and not walking away. I wouldn't find a person who thinks it's fine to walk away appealing as a life partner, because he'd do the same thing with me that he did with you. He lacked perspective on what a life partner is, and he lacked either the energy or skill to fulfill his marriage commitment. That's not attractive.

This. 100 times this. I’m not against divorce. I think people should leave unhealthy situations. But this seems more like people ending a marriage because of boredom instead of trying to reignite a spark. I don’t think people have to get married. You can have a long-term monogamous relationship and then split when it gets dull. But I feel like marriage vows mean you don’t split when it gets dull.

You’re both stunningly judgmental. Since you’re each staying in your marriages, because you’re both such good girls and work so hard on marriage it’s amazing you have the time to stay on here and opine (...and opine. And opine, no doubt), YOU are perfectly safe from dangerous broads like the PPs who are perhaps divorcing. You’re adding to stigma because...why? You’re bored? Because that’s how it’s coming across, no matter the pieties you use to dress it up. So lame.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"+1 right here. I love my DH as a person, and want him to be happy. But I don't want to be married to him anymore. We will continue our life together until our youngest is out of the house and then separate our lives. He is by no means more damaged goods than your average person, has a great job, and is a terrific dad. He makes terrible dad jokes and insists on listening to strange avant-garde music but he's fine really."

The problem is that for many people, the ability to leave a marriage because it's not great is a marker of damage. I married expecting that we'd get bored with one another, and I committed to addressing that head on and not walking away. I wouldn't find a person who thinks it's fine to walk away appealing as a life partner, because he'd do the same thing with me that he did with you. He lacked perspective on what a life partner is, and he lacked either the energy or skill to fulfill his marriage commitment. That's not attractive.

This. 100 times this. I’m not against divorce. I think people should leave unhealthy situations. But this seems more like people ending a marriage because of boredom instead of trying to reignite a spark. I don’t think people have to get married. You can have a long-term monogamous relationship and then split when it gets dull. But I feel like marriage vows mean you don’t split when it gets dull.

You’re both stunningly judgmental. Since you’re each staying in your marriages, because you’re both such good girls and work so hard on marriage it’s amazing you have the time to stay on here and opine (...and opine. And opine, no doubt), YOU are perfectly safe from dangerous broads like the PPs who are perhaps divorcing. You’re adding to stigma because...why? You’re bored? Because that’s how it’s coming across, no matter the pieties you use to dress it up. So lame.

Wow. Defensive much? I’m not judging the women or the men. To each his own. The PPs claimed their soon-to-be ex husbands are great dating options foe other women. I’m simply saying that if a woman is looking to marry, looking for a life partner, those men aren’t necessarily great options because they left marriages that didn’t have problems, just lacked spark. I don’t think I’m better or worse than them, but no I wouldn’t invest time in a man, even one who is a nice guy, I felt wouldn’t be committed even when it got boring. (I’m married, so it’s a moot point.) if a woman or a man is looking to marry again and is in the 40-something range, the reality is health issues, physical decline, etc., are all around the corner.

That said, my limited observations of marriages like the PP is that those relationships never had spark or strong sexual attraction to begin with. They married more because of other factors (the friendship, shared desire to be married and move into that phase of life, familiarity).

Anonymous wrote:"+1 right here. I love my DH as a person, and want him to be happy. But I don't want to be married to him anymore. We will continue our life together until our youngest is out of the house and then separate our lives. He is by no means more damaged goods than your average person, has a great job, and is a terrific dad. He makes terrible dad jokes and insists on listening to strange avant-garde music but he's fine really."

The problem is that for many people, the ability to leave a marriage because it's not great is a marker of damage. I married expecting that we'd get bored with one another, and I committed to addressing that head on and not walking away. I wouldn't find a person who thinks it's fine to walk away appealing as a life partner, because he'd do the same thing with me that he did with you. He lacked perspective on what a life partner is, and he lacked either the energy or skill to fulfill his marriage commitment. That's not attractive.

Well said PP. I have been married 20+ years, kids are grown, our finances are in order, and the marriage is ... "comfortable". You might even say we are both bored in a long term boring marriage. What this means, in all reality, is that we are very "close" as partners but there is little to no "passion" left in the relationship. Sometimes at dinner we just do not have much to talk about. For me, if I am completely honest that means I just am not all that excited to "hear about her day". And for her, I have zero delusions that she ever really gets horny for me.

But let me tell you all a secret: we both just fake it. Perhaps a less cynical way of saying is we both do the work for our relationship to succeed. And you know what? It totally works! I listen to her dramatic work stories, she pretends to still want regular sex with me. We both are pretty happy with this. Its all about having a good attitude and staying committed.

Anonymous wrote:I honestly want to know why marriage for a woman who has successfully raised kids with someone is a good idea. I may start a thread on this.

Huh?

I honestly want to know why marriage for a woman who has successfully raised kids with someone is a good idea. I may start a thread on this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"+1 right here. I love my DH as a person, and want him to be happy. But I don't want to be married to him anymore. We will continue our life together until our youngest is out of the house and then separate our lives. He is by no means more damaged goods than your average person, has a great job, and is a terrific dad. He makes terrible dad jokes and insists on listening to strange avant-garde music but he's fine really."

The problem is that for many people, the ability to leave a marriage because it's not great is a marker of damage. I married expecting that we'd get bored with one another, and I committed to addressing that head on and not walking away. I wouldn't find a person who thinks it's fine to walk away appealing as a life partner, because he'd do the same thing with me that he did with you. He lacked perspective on what a life partner is, and he lacked either the energy or skill to fulfill his marriage commitment. That's not attractive.

This. 100 times this. I’m not against divorce. I think people should leave unhealthy situations. But this seems more like people ending a marriage because of boredom instead of trying to reignite a spark. I don’t think people have to get married. You can have a long-term monogamous relationship and then split when it gets dull. But I feel like marriage vows mean you don’t split when it gets dull.

You’re both stunningly judgmental. Since you’re each staying in your marriages, because you’re both such good girls and work so hard on marriage it’s amazing you have the time to stay on here and opine (...and opine. And opine, no doubt), YOU are perfectly safe from dangerous broads like the PPs who are perhaps divorcing. You’re adding to stigma because...why? You’re bored? Because that’s how it’s coming across, no matter the pieties you use to dress it up. So lame.

Anonymous wrote:"+1 right here. I love my DH as a person, and want him to be happy. But I don't want to be married to him anymore. We will continue our life together until our youngest is out of the house and then separate our lives. He is by no means more damaged goods than your average person, has a great job, and is a terrific dad. He makes terrible dad jokes and insists on listening to strange avant-garde music but he's fine really."

The problem is that for many people, the ability to leave a marriage because it's not great is a marker of damage. I married expecting that we'd get bored with one another, and I committed to addressing that head on and not walking away. I wouldn't find a person who thinks it's fine to walk away appealing as a life partner, because he'd do the same thing with me that he did with you. He lacked perspective on what a life partner is, and he lacked either the energy or skill to fulfill his marriage commitment. That's not attractive.

This. 100 times this. I’m not against divorce. I think people should leave unhealthy situations. But this seems more like people ending a marriage because of boredom instead of trying to reignite a spark. I don’t think people have to get married. You can have a long-term monogamous relationship and then split when it gets dull. But I feel like marriage vows mean you don’t split when it gets dull.

"+1 right here. I love my DH as a person, and want him to be happy. But I don't want to be married to him anymore. We will continue our life together until our youngest is out of the house and then separate our lives. He is by no means more damaged goods than your average person, has a great job, and is a terrific dad. He makes terrible dad jokes and insists on listening to strange avant-garde music but he's fine really."

The problem is that for many people, the ability to leave a marriage because it's not great is a marker of damage. I married expecting that we'd get bored with one another, and I committed to addressing that head on and not walking away. I wouldn't find a person who thinks it's fine to walk away appealing as a life partner, because he'd do the same thing with me that he did with you. He lacked perspective on what a life partner is, and he lacked either the energy or skill to fulfill his marriage commitment. That's not attractive.

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s silly to think that every divorced man or woman out there is damaged goods. My husband and I are separating after 20 years because we basically fell out of love years ago. We’ve been more like friends and roommates for years, he doesn’t spark attraction in me anymore and probably vice versa, and we’re both ready to move on now that both kids are almost out of high school. He’s a great man and he would make someone a great husband or partner. And I hope he does find love again...which speaks to how my feelings for him have changed and I don’t really feel jealous at the thought of that.

I’m sure he and I are not the only ones in this situation. I hear it mentioned on this board a lot...that love has evolved into a non-romantic, more roommates kind of marriage.

+1 right here. I love my DH as a person, and want him to be happy. But I don't want to be married to him anymore. We will continue our life together until our youngest is out of the house and then separate our lives. He is by no means more damaged goods than your average person, has a great job, and is a terrific dad. He makes terrible dad jokes and insists on listening to strange avant-garde music but he's fine really.

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s silly to think that every divorced man or woman out there is damaged goods. My husband and I are separating after 20 years because we basically fell out of love years ago. We’ve been more like friends and roommates for years, he doesn’t spark attraction in me anymore and probably vice versa, and we’re both ready to move on now that both kids are almost out of high school. He’s a great man and he would make someone a great husband or partner. And I hope he does find love again...which speaks to how my feelings for him have changed and I don’t really feel jealous at the thought of that.

I’m sure he and I are not the only ones in this situation. I hear it mentioned on this board a lot...that love has evolved into a non-romantic, more roommates kind of marriage.

Out of curiosity, what spurred one or both of you to actually suggest divorcing? I think most marriages like yours stay together and consider themselves success stories.

I think it’s silly to think that every divorced man or woman out there is damaged goods. My husband and I are separating after 20 years because we basically fell out of love years ago. We’ve been more like friends and roommates for years, he doesn’t spark attraction in me anymore and probably vice versa, and we’re both ready to move on now that both kids are almost out of high school. He’s a great man and he would make someone a great husband or partner. And I hope he does find love again...which speaks to how my feelings for him have changed and I don’t really feel jealous at the thought of that.

I’m sure he and I are not the only ones in this situation. I hear it mentioned on this board a lot...that love has evolved into a non-romantic, more roommates kind of marriage.