Anonymous
03/29/2021 21:49
Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why are you having children if you have so little time for them?
Why do people ask dumb questions like this when the answer is obvious? People need money to live on and this is the field she trained for.
You don’t need 400k to live on with 1 child.
Anonymous
03/29/2021 21:23
Subject: Re:Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Anonymous wrote:My DH has the heavy work load at the moment, trying to make partner at his firm next year. I don’t resent his working hours (if anything I feel bad for him) and I am supportive because he wants this. The difference is he still prioritizes our family so we have equal facetime. Here’s what he does/we do:
6 - 8 am - I’m up and getting kids ready for the day. I wake my DH up at 7 and he comes down and takes oldest to in person school and then unloads the dishwasher
8 - 4 or 5 - we have childcare. I am the default parent for things like appointments and research and organizing our lives and I do this during work hours (thankful for the flexibility). We both try and squeeze 30 minutes of workouts in a few days a week.
4-5 - one or both of us plays with the kids depending on work schedule.
5-6 dinner and bath. He does bath and I clean the kitchen during it.
6-7 bedtime - we each put one kid to bed, alternating nights. When we had one we will alternated but the non bedtime parent cleaned the kitchen and packed lunch etc for the next day.
From 7–8 we might putter around the house, catch up, have a glass of wine, make sure house is picked up.
8-12 or 1, my husband works. I watch tv or read then go to bed. I’ll work if I need to.
On weekends, my husband works after bedtime most nights, starting at 9ish and ending at 12. We work out during naps and we take turns sleeping in till 9. If he wants to work during his sleep in time he can but he usually sleeps. This gets him to 65+ a week depending on the late nights and I don’t resent him. He’s present and engaged and really effing tired. We do takeout 3x a week, cleaners come twice a month, and he does all the laundry while he’s working. We work at home together so I don’t feel like I miss him, did you say you wfh?
Really I think you need to figure out whether you are working around your work hours or working around your family’s needs. Before the pandemic my DH worked around work. I hated it and was mad a lot. At home it’s been amazing, you can’t ignore what your partner is doing when you are working and you see your kids more. He’s very much worked his schedule around the kids now even though it sucks for his work. He isn’t going to put work above kids on a Saturday, he will just stay up later.
It seems like you have a nice system — I’m just surprised/impressed that your DH manages to free himself from work between 4-6pm!
- Former big law associate who left so I could have that kind of time with my kids, married to a big law partner who can rarely leave his desk before 6pm
Anonymous
03/29/2021 17:50
Subject: Re:Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Anonymous wrote:I think there is a ton of hypocrisy in this thread as of this was a dad, you would not be getting all this flak.
And honestly, babies are boring. 2 hours plus time on the weekend is fine. It will be harder once they are 3 years and up and have more activities and opinions. Plus, they are more fun then. So, I think you may have to revisit this in a few years.
For now, I’m not sure why you don’t just believe your husband when he says he is fine. That said, I would figure out what else I could outsource, sooner rather than later. You are at an income level where you should be able to do this so weekends can be having fun with kid and husband. And figure out your husband’s love language and focus on that.
I’m a mom that is an executive at a major corporation. I have times when I work a ton (like 80 hours a week) and times when I am not so busy. If your job is one where you can flex around to be at the school play, then you will be just fine at 65 hours. I’ve got older elementary kids and while they would complain about how much I work, they would also say we are super close. They also get huge benefits from the income I earn.
Why do people keep saying this? You have absolutely no way of knowing whether this is true. Personally, I think workaholic parents suck, regardless of gender. That’s why I didn’t marry a workaholic and I would absolutely resent him if he was spending 65 GD hours a week working instead of being with his family.
Anonymous
03/29/2021 17:34
Subject: Re:Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
I think there is a ton of hypocrisy in this thread as of this was a dad, you would not be getting all this flak.
And honestly, babies are boring. 2 hours plus time on the weekend is fine. It will be harder once they are 3 years and up and have more activities and opinions. Plus, they are more fun then. So, I think you may have to revisit this in a few years.
For now, I’m not sure why you don’t just believe your husband when he says he is fine. That said, I would figure out what else I could outsource, sooner rather than later. You are at an income level where you should be able to do this so weekends can be having fun with kid and husband. And figure out your husband’s love language and focus on that.
I’m a mom that is an executive at a major corporation. I have times when I work a ton (like 80 hours a week) and times when I am not so busy. If your job is one where you can flex around to be at the school play, then you will be just fine at 65 hours. I’ve got older elementary kids and while they would complain about how much I work, they would also say we are super close. They also get huge benefits from the income I earn.
And honestly, babies are boring. 2 hours plus time on the weekend is fine. It will be harder once they are 3 years and up and have more activities and opinions. Plus, they are more fun then. So, I think you may have to revisit this in a few years.
For now, I’m not sure why you don’t just believe your husband when he says he is fine. That said, I would figure out what else I could outsource, sooner rather than later. You are at an income level where you should be able to do this so weekends can be having fun with kid and husband. And figure out your husband’s love language and focus on that.
I’m a mom that is an executive at a major corporation. I have times when I work a ton (like 80 hours a week) and times when I am not so busy. If your job is one where you can flex around to be at the school play, then you will be just fine at 65 hours. I’ve got older elementary kids and while they would complain about how much I work, they would also say we are super close. They also get huge benefits from the income I earn.
Anonymous
03/29/2021 17:30
Subject: Re:Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
OP we have a savings account for our DD but it won’t be enough for college. Your kid would rather have a present parent than parents who works 50/65 hours per week that he barely sees. Maybe your kid will go to a trade school, or the military, or get scholarships.......... and you will have wasted all this time saving for nothing.
Anonymous
03/29/2021 17:20
Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
I have not read through all the comments, but here are some thoughts from someone who has been there:
1. Yes, your husband will likely come to resent doing more/all of the day-to-day stuff.
2. You will both get worn down by what sounds like an absolute grind.
3. The way you are living is not healthy and will not be sustainable once your kid is out of the infant stage.
4. You make $400k. You can absolutely hire cleaners to come in weekly, outsource your laundry, etc., even though you live in NYC.
5. If you want to provide for your kid, the most important things you can do besides the basics of shelter and food, is show your baby unconditional love and provide a stable and happy marriage. Your marriage will not sustain itself, especially with two working parents and a baby.
1. Yes, your husband will likely come to resent doing more/all of the day-to-day stuff.
2. You will both get worn down by what sounds like an absolute grind.
3. The way you are living is not healthy and will not be sustainable once your kid is out of the infant stage.
4. You make $400k. You can absolutely hire cleaners to come in weekly, outsource your laundry, etc., even though you live in NYC.
5. If you want to provide for your kid, the most important things you can do besides the basics of shelter and food, is show your baby unconditional love and provide a stable and happy marriage. Your marriage will not sustain itself, especially with two working parents and a baby.
Anonymous
03/29/2021 17:13
Subject: Re:Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
My DH has the heavy work load at the moment, trying to make partner at his firm next year. I don’t resent his working hours (if anything I feel bad for him) and I am supportive because he wants this. The difference is he still prioritizes our family so we have equal facetime. Here’s what he does/we do:
6 - 8 am - I’m up and getting kids ready for the day. I wake my DH up at 7 and he comes down and takes oldest to in person school and then unloads the dishwasher
8 - 4 or 5 - we have childcare. I am the default parent for things like appointments and research and organizing our lives and I do this during work hours (thankful for the flexibility). We both try and squeeze 30 minutes of workouts in a few days a week.
4-5 - one or both of us plays with the kids depending on work schedule.
5-6 dinner and bath. He does bath and I clean the kitchen during it.
6-7 bedtime - we each put one kid to bed, alternating nights. When we had one we will alternated but the non bedtime parent cleaned the kitchen and packed lunch etc for the next day.
From 7–8 we might putter around the house, catch up, have a glass of wine, make sure house is picked up.
8-12 or 1, my husband works. I watch tv or read then go to bed. I’ll work if I need to.
On weekends, my husband works after bedtime most nights, starting at 9ish and ending at 12. We work out during naps and we take turns sleeping in till 9. If he wants to work during his sleep in time he can but he usually sleeps. This gets him to 65+ a week depending on the late nights and I don’t resent him. He’s present and engaged and really effing tired. We do takeout 3x a week, cleaners come twice a month, and he does all the laundry while he’s working. We work at home together so I don’t feel like I miss him, did you say you wfh?
Really I think you need to figure out whether you are working around your work hours or working around your family’s needs. Before the pandemic my DH worked around work. I hated it and was mad a lot. At home it’s been amazing, you can’t ignore what your partner is doing when you are working and you see your kids more. He’s very much worked his schedule around the kids now even though it sucks for his work. He isn’t going to put work above kids on a Saturday, he will just stay up later.
6 - 8 am - I’m up and getting kids ready for the day. I wake my DH up at 7 and he comes down and takes oldest to in person school and then unloads the dishwasher
8 - 4 or 5 - we have childcare. I am the default parent for things like appointments and research and organizing our lives and I do this during work hours (thankful for the flexibility). We both try and squeeze 30 minutes of workouts in a few days a week.
4-5 - one or both of us plays with the kids depending on work schedule.
5-6 dinner and bath. He does bath and I clean the kitchen during it.
6-7 bedtime - we each put one kid to bed, alternating nights. When we had one we will alternated but the non bedtime parent cleaned the kitchen and packed lunch etc for the next day.
From 7–8 we might putter around the house, catch up, have a glass of wine, make sure house is picked up.
8-12 or 1, my husband works. I watch tv or read then go to bed. I’ll work if I need to.
On weekends, my husband works after bedtime most nights, starting at 9ish and ending at 12. We work out during naps and we take turns sleeping in till 9. If he wants to work during his sleep in time he can but he usually sleeps. This gets him to 65+ a week depending on the late nights and I don’t resent him. He’s present and engaged and really effing tired. We do takeout 3x a week, cleaners come twice a month, and he does all the laundry while he’s working. We work at home together so I don’t feel like I miss him, did you say you wfh?
Really I think you need to figure out whether you are working around your work hours or working around your family’s needs. Before the pandemic my DH worked around work. I hated it and was mad a lot. At home it’s been amazing, you can’t ignore what your partner is doing when you are working and you see your kids more. He’s very much worked his schedule around the kids now even though it sucks for his work. He isn’t going to put work above kids on a Saturday, he will just stay up later.
Anonymous
03/29/2021 17:09
Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Anonymous wrote:I work 65+hour weeks with a young baby. We WFH. We have childcare 45 hours per week.
My husband does more childcare than I do though I am typically responsible for the back-end of that - researching food for the baby, coordinating schedules, milestones and educational opportunities, meal prep.
He says he does not resent him having to do more childcare and do more physical work around the house (I do stuff in the background too, like setting appointments, pay bills). I manage to get enough sleep but I basically only work, take care of baby and do chores. Almost no exercise, no time for myself, etc. but that's ok, I'm ok with my priorities there.
I am afraid though my husband resents that. He says he does not, but he mentions how he's the only one doing the dishes, for example. He does have some free time - 1-2 hours on weekdays and a bit more on the weekend. He works around 50 hours per week.
He's not on board though with my downsizing b/c I make good money - unfortunately not enough to get much more help. Once we can find a vaccinated cleaner, we will have someone come in once every couple of weeks, but for the past year, we have been doing it ourselves.
Thoughts?
You appear to mainly whine and complain. Why did you have a baby if you are not interested in spending time with your child. Of course, your DH resents that you do very little. Prepare to be divorced.
Anonymous
03/29/2021 16:11
Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why are you having children if you have so little time for them?
Why do people ask dumb questions like this when the answer is obvious? People need money to live on and this is the field she trained for.
Haha. Partially true - but nobody NEEDS 400K to “live on” - OP and her husband simply prioritize money over family. Lots of people do, but don’t pretend this is something it’s not...
And under the guise of needing to save for college. Err, what? College is expensive but come on. You don't need a $400k HHI to afford college.
Anonymous
03/29/2021 15:22
Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why are you having children if you have so little time for them?
Why do people ask dumb questions like this when the answer is obvious? People need money to live on and this is the field she trained for.
Haha. Partially true - but nobody NEEDS 400K to “live on” - OP and her husband simply prioritize money over family. Lots of people do, but don’t pretend this is something it’s not...
Anonymous
03/29/2021 12:27
Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Anonymous wrote:I don't get why the comments are so pissy. There are many careers that do require this type of schedule and I wonder if the comments would be the same if it were the dad working long days.
Anyway, OP, I would work on trusting your DH when he says he doesn't resent the current balance. Make sure you are recognizing his contributions. I would also try really hard to make sure you both have at least a couple of hours of downtime on the weekend, e.g., you take the baby Saturday morning and he has the morning to himself and he does Sunday morning. You do need a little time for yourself or you're going to crack.
My comments would be exactly the same if it was the father working 65+ hours: that's no way to have a happy family life. The only difference is that if the father works 65+ hours, typically he disengages from family life much more fully than the mom with the Big Job. Tons of fathers get on the train in Scarsdale at 7:30am and return every night at 9pm after the kids are in bed. They are perfectly happy leaving it all to the wife. Most women can't disconnect to that degree. That's probably better for the kids, but it seems unimaginably hard for the mom.
Anonymous
03/29/2021 12:26
Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Anonymous wrote:I don't get why the comments are so pissy. There are many careers that do require this type of schedule and I wonder if the comments would be the same if it were the dad working long days.
Anyway, OP, I would work on trusting your DH when he says he doesn't resent the current balance. Make sure you are recognizing his contributions. I would also try really hard to make sure you both have at least a couple of hours of downtime on the weekend, e.g., you take the baby Saturday morning and he has the morning to himself and he does Sunday morning. You do need a little time for yourself or you're going to crack.
+100. It’s pretty sexist. She makes >250k and presumably likes her job. So what? And people are trying to offer her suggestions for working 35 hours a week and saving money to pay for state college? Lol ok, like if she wanted to go down that path sure she could but no one would offer these ideas to a man.
Op, I think people are probably reacting most strongly to you working 7-10 both AM and Pm on both weekend days. If you could cut that down (or work during nap) I think this would be fine and not unusual. You only have one kid that is an infant, it can go for walks / to the park as you want and leave the other parent with plenty of downtime during the weekend.
You should start to push back on extending the no-fly zone for bed/bath as you progress, because soon enough baby will be way more alert and stay up later
Anonymous
03/29/2021 12:23
Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why are you having children if you have so little time for them?
Why do people ask dumb questions like this when the answer is obvious? People need money to live on and this is the field she trained for.
So own that choice and don’t complain?
Anonymous
03/29/2021 12:01
Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Anonymous wrote:Why are you having children if you have so little time for them?
Why do people ask dumb questions like this when the answer is obvious? People need money to live on and this is the field she trained for.
Anonymous
03/29/2021 11:57
Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What do you want to do, OP? Earning 400k, living in Manhattan, and seeing your baby only 2 hrs a day is a choice. For some people that would be extreme and unlivable. If you want it, I suppose you must have a reason why.
Personally I think the marriage is the least of your troubles now, though I see why you are concerned as this lifestyle can’t offer much time for connection. Are you happy with how you’re living?
I think the marriage will be affected negatively.
However, with regard to the baby, I see him all weekend and 2 hours per day on weekdays because he goes to bed at 7 pm. How much do you guys see the baby on a weekday? There’s another poster who sees the baby 3 hours per day and she was not criticized for that.
Are we only supposed to have babies if we work 10-3? Aren’t there more parents who have their kids in daycare 8-6?
So isn't this a problem? Your marital satisfaction affects the baby too - it's not just going to negatively impact you and your husband.