Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 19:02     Subject: H accuses me of refusing to take the bar exam while solely caring for 8-year-old during pandemic
You should move to where you want to live and to somewhere that you can afford. Do you have one kid. You don’t need a huge house. All you really need is a one bedroom plus den apartment.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 18:50     Subject: Re:H accuses me of refusing to take the bar exam while solely caring for 8-year-old during pandemic
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone for your valuable and supportive input.

I just crunched the numbers and figured out that if I ramp up my practice to the max post-COVID, with careful budgeting and the inheritance expected from my dad I would actually be able to afford the mortgage payments on my own, without his help, even in the new expensive city where I too want to relocate. That really gives me a boost of confidence.

Yesterday I turned to this board to ask whether it was unreasonable of my husband to expect me to take the bar exam while taking care alone of our son during distance learning in the pandemic. But most PPs focused on the larger picture of our marriage and envisioned future living arrangements. I am really glad, because that has prompted me to reassess my desire to hang on so desperately to this marriage.

After realizing that I would be fine on my own I now feel the strength to stand up to him when he accuses me of purposely delaying taking the second bar. I can tell him in the face not to bully me anymore, and that it would be unrealistic to put our kid in front of computer tutoring for 6 to 8 hours per day. I really feel much better now. He can go ahead and divorce now if he wants to, because I will be fine either way.

I know that it sounds pathetic that I needed to input of strangers to get this strength, but that's how it is.

By reading another thread on this forum (I rarely read DCUM, I guess I should do it more often I also realized that my resistance to the idea of a divorce was the result of my desire to have an ideal family, which in reality we have not had for approximately six years now and will likely never have again. So it is not like a divorce would deprive our son of an ideal family. I hope that I can be stress-free and strong on my own, and create a happy home for my son.


So thank you, PPs, for your collective wisdom and support.


You might not want to get too wed to the idea of the relocation as your DH might object and this could drum up some issues regarding custody. Any extra issues raise the cost of the divorce.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 10:56     Subject: Re:H accuses me of refusing to take the bar exam while solely caring for 8-year-old during pandemic
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, your husband sounds very much like my soon to be ex. He was having an affair and at the same time was promising we would buy another rental property next year. We are divorcing now. Don't trust him


+1. I was thinking the same thing. Why is he being so mean to OP plus pressuring her to handle all the parenting duties and make more money. Wouldn’t be surprised unfortunately if he’s knee-deep in an affair. He’s a jerky guy, and that’s what jerks do.

OP - We are rooting for you. Sounds like you have a nice law practice and care about your son. You will do fine forging your own path. Best wishes.


+2 My ex got really mean toward the end, accusing me of all sorts of things, pressuring me to change jobs to make more money (and completely ignoring the fact that I was doing 100% of the housework/childrearing). The meaner he got, the more confused I became, until it became clear that his cruelty was a mix of trying to get into a more advantageous financial spot, and "salting the earth" to ensure the marriage could never recover even if I forgave the affair.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 10:56     Subject: H accuses me of refusing to take the bar exam while solely caring for 8-year-old during pandemic
Add to it: the bar exam is super hard! One of the Kennedys took it like 6 times and never passed. Hillary failed it the first time.

The anxiety leading up to it can actually be traumatic.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 10:27     Subject: H accuses me of refusing to take the bar exam while solely caring for 8-year-old during pandemic
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You both sound crazy. He is planning a divorce and yet you are on the fence? Are you both on the spectrum?


Seriously my first thought after reading it. It appears that they both are to a degree Asperger's. It seems that Husband is bit more on the spectrum though with some unusually nasty traits.


I don’t know about the nastiness but for some reason this is my thought also. It just sounds like you are both approaching with so much “logic” about what “should” be the case (including you OP — he should understand me, why doesn’t he) but with a kind of obliviousness to the bigger picture here. And neither of you want to marry but both are avoiding the divorce because of the emotional pain. Have you ever considered whether you are on the spectrum?
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 02:49     Subject: H accuses me of refusing to take the bar exam while solely caring for 8-year-old during pandemic
Don't rely on inheritance. Buy a house you can afford.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 02:37     Subject: Re:H accuses me of refusing to take the bar exam while solely caring for 8-year-old during pandemic
Anonymous wrote:OP, your husband sounds very much like my soon to be ex. He was having an affair and at the same time was promising we would buy another rental property next year. We are divorcing now. Don't trust him


+1. I was thinking the same thing. Why is he being so mean to OP plus pressuring her to handle all the parenting duties and make more money. Wouldn’t be surprised unfortunately if he’s knee-deep in an affair. He’s a jerky guy, and that’s what jerks do.

OP - We are rooting for you. Sounds like you have a nice law practice and care about your son. You will do fine forging your own path. Best wishes.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2021 20:09     Subject: Re:H accuses me of refusing to take the bar exam while solely caring for 8-year-old during pandemic
OP, your husband sounds very much like my soon to be ex. He was having an affair and at the same time was promising we would buy another rental property next year. We are divorcing now. Don't trust him
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2021 20:01     Subject: H accuses me of refusing to take the bar exam while solely caring for 8-year-old during pandemic
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hire help or send the kid to Dad for a while. You have plenty of income and the real issue is you are separated and planning to divorce. I don't see the issue was you have income so you will not get alimony. The situation sounds bizarre to me.


OP here. PP, I would need to almost stop working completely to be able to prepare for the bar exam. But that is not the issue, as I have savings and could live off them during that time. My main problem is that my husband thinks that I do not want to take the second bar exam on purpose, even though I "have time" because I have the luxury of not working.


OP here again. In other words, I feel hurt and underappreciated.

I just wanted to get impartial people's impression of whether I was being lazy/unreasonable or him lacking empathy.

PP, I am not sure what help to hire other than a couple of hours of online tutoring per day. I do not trust people coming into my home yet. Where we live only 5% of the population has been vaccinated.


NP here. I may be missing something but this doesn’t make sense. If you were a single mom you would not have moved to a more expensive state, where you needed to study for the bar exam while earning an income with an elementary age child that needs close supervision for online learning. You might more near family that agreed to help out, or move someplace cheap enough that you could work less hours or someplace that had in person school like certain states or private school which would have given you some of that time back to work or study for the bar. Maybe your soon to be ex is a jerk but if you flipped this around and the DH moves to another more expensive state with the kids to “protect them from COVID” and then wanted to have you pay more money so they could oversee online learning, maybe work a few hours, and still not have enough time to study for the bar in that state ..
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2021 16:16     Subject: Re:H accuses me of refusing to take the bar exam while solely caring for 8-year-old during pandemic
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone for your valuable and supportive input.

I just crunched the numbers and figured out that if I ramp up my practice to the max post-COVID, with careful budgeting and the inheritance expected from my dad I would actually be able to afford the mortgage payments on my own, without his help, even in the new expensive city where I too want to relocate. That really gives me a boost of confidence.

Yesterday I turned to this board to ask whether it was unreasonable of my husband to expect me to take the bar exam while taking care alone of our son during distance learning in the pandemic. But most PPs focused on the larger picture of our marriage and envisioned future living arrangements. I am really glad, because that has prompted me to reassess my desire to hang on so desperately to this marriage.

After realizing that I would be fine on my own I now feel the strength to stand up to him when he accuses me of purposely delaying taking the second bar. I can tell him in the face not to bully me anymore, and that it would be unrealistic to put our kid in front of computer tutoring for 6 to 8 hours per day. I really feel much better now. He can go ahead and divorce now if he wants to, because I will be fine either way.

I know that it sounds pathetic that I needed to input of strangers to get this strength, but that's how it is.

By reading another thread on this forum (I rarely read DCUM, I guess I should do it more often I also realized that my resistance to the idea of a divorce was the result of my desire to have an ideal family, which in reality we have not had for approximately six years now and will likely never have again. So it is not like a divorce would deprive our son of an ideal family. I hope that I can be stress-free and strong on my own, and create a happy home for my son.


So thank you, PPs, for your collective wisdom and support.


That’s great. It sounds like you are really working through this with a lot of intelligence and courage. Do consider filing for divorce yourself. I’m not sure that waiting for him to lower the boom is really the best psychologically. He obviously has serious control issues and I’d rather see you in control of this one. At the very least start talking to an attorney, who can probably give you some excellent advice regarding your choices. All the things your current husband is trying to bully you into are in his best interest, not yours. Your attorney should be on your side. It sounds like you have some family money, which is a rare blessing — hopefully that will help you pay for a good lawyer.

Best of luck to you. Please tell us how it goes.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2021 16:14     Subject: Re:H accuses me of refusing to take the bar exam while solely caring for 8-year-old during pandemic
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone for your valuable and supportive input.

I just crunched the numbers and figured out that if I ramp up my practice to the max post-COVID, with careful budgeting and the inheritance expected from my dad I would actually be able to afford the mortgage payments on my own, without his help, even in the new expensive city where I too want to relocate. That really gives me a boost of confidence.

Yesterday I turned to this board to ask whether it was unreasonable of my husband to expect me to take the bar exam while taking care alone of our son during distance learning in the pandemic. But most PPs focused on the larger picture of our marriage and envisioned future living arrangements. I am really glad, because that has prompted me to reassess my desire to hang on so desperately to this marriage.

After realizing that I would be fine on my own I now feel the strength to stand up to him when he accuses me of purposely delaying taking the second bar. I can tell him in the face not to bully me anymore, and that it would be unrealistic to put our kid in front of computer tutoring for 6 to 8 hours per day. I really feel much better now. He can go ahead and divorce now if he wants to, because I will be fine either way.

I know that it sounds pathetic that I needed to input of strangers to get this strength, but that's how it is.

By reading another thread on this forum (I rarely read DCUM, I guess I should do it more often I also realized that my resistance to the idea of a divorce was the result of my desire to have an ideal family, which in reality we have not had for approximately six years now and will likely never have again. So it is not like a divorce would deprive our son of an ideal family. I hope that I can be stress-free and strong on my own, and create a happy home for my son.


So thank you, PPs, for your collective wisdom and support.


NO. OP, no.

It's not pathetic at all. When things are collapsing around you, there is a lot of dust and disorientation. You don't have a touchstone, and so we were the touchstone.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2021 16:09     Subject: H accuses me of refusing to take the bar exam while solely caring for 8-year-old during pandemic
This is your opportunity to ask yourself what you want to do and where you want to live regardless of your husband.

Don’t do 50/50 on the house. I could think of several scenarios where this could go wrong. Do not create anymore attachments to him.

You need to put your attorney hat on or talk to one who is not enmeshed in your situation.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2021 14:56     Subject: Re:H accuses me of refusing to take the bar exam while solely caring for 8-year-old during pandemic
OP here. Thank you everyone for your valuable and supportive input.

I just crunched the numbers and figured out that if I ramp up my practice to the max post-COVID, with careful budgeting and the inheritance expected from my dad I would actually be able to afford the mortgage payments on my own, without his help, even in the new expensive city where I too want to relocate. That really gives me a boost of confidence.

Yesterday I turned to this board to ask whether it was unreasonable of my husband to expect me to take the bar exam while taking care alone of our son during distance learning in the pandemic. But most PPs focused on the larger picture of our marriage and envisioned future living arrangements. I am really glad, because that has prompted me to reassess my desire to hang on so desperately to this marriage.

After realizing that I would be fine on my own I now feel the strength to stand up to him when he accuses me of purposely delaying taking the second bar. I can tell him in the face not to bully me anymore, and that it would be unrealistic to put our kid in front of computer tutoring for 6 to 8 hours per day. I really feel much better now. He can go ahead and divorce now if he wants to, because I will be fine either way.

I know that it sounds pathetic that I needed to input of strangers to get this strength, but that's how it is.

By reading another thread on this forum (I rarely read DCUM, I guess I should do it more often I also realized that my resistance to the idea of a divorce was the result of my desire to have an ideal family, which in reality we have not had for approximately six years now and will likely never have again. So it is not like a divorce would deprive our son of an ideal family. I hope that I can be stress-free and strong on my own, and create a happy home for my son.


So thank you, PPs, for your collective wisdom and support.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2021 14:30     Subject: Re:H accuses me of refusing to take the bar exam while solely caring for 8-year-old during pandemic
Anonymous wrote:Judging by the amount of SELF love, and SELF centerless it looks like your hubby is a Narcissist on Autism Spectrum with serious Midas touch issues putting money first and like the concept of love never entered his blood pump organ.

You on the other hand also seem a bit cold when you talk about all this and while money is important the family seems to be somewhere far in the background.

Where is LOVE in your family? Who loves your child if anyone? I mean love, not just farm the kid.



I don't think OP isn't a loving mother. Her situation is complex & I think she explained it assuming it would be common knowledge that her child is a priority.

It's been a crazy year with the pandemic; most people have had less than ideal situations regarding the kids school & social life. OP, see a divorce lawyer ASAP. I'd put aside the bar for right now. You're kid will be back in school next year, work is returning to normal (slowly), you're not being lazy. At all.

You're getting a divorce- that's a lot to sink in to begin with. I think it's crazy to move & plan a home purchase with your DH as he's telling you he wants a divorce & plans to spend as little as possible in support.

He seems like a moron. You do not. See a therapist if you need to have an unbiased viewpoint.

You got this!
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2021 14:28     Subject: H accuses me of refusing to take the bar exam while solely caring for 8-year-old during pandemic
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You can't afford a mortgage on take home of 12k per month? Sure you can.

You should be stashing a ton of money for yourself, at your current income. Prepare for divorce. It sounds like he is. Pay for childcare so you can study for the exam, if that is of importance right now.


$12K a month is my family's entire gross pay and we're not badly off. There's zero reason to have money problems (either needing a provider OR complaining about someone not putting their weight on that income.


OP here. Decent houses in the area where we would both like to live start at around $2m. So my $12k take-home pay (before taxes) will not go far. But I agree, I should not aspire to live in that expensive place.


Take my word for it - freedom in a condo > ahole spouse in a SFH.

You do not need a “nice house”. You need a nice family. It sounds like that can only happen if you ditch your spouse.


I agree with the chorus of voices saying to move on the divorce now, stay where you are licensed and can afford housing, and where you have family and friends, and move on.

1. Consult an attorney for yourself to get advice on the process.
2. Focus on holding yourself together, meeting the needs of your child, and fulfilling work obligations where you are.
3. Safe apartments are better than $2 million unsafe houses.
4. Therapy for you.
5. Get to the point where you rarely have to think about him, and only in regards your son. Fill your life with wonderful things and people so that you are too busy to dwell on him.
6. Stay safe.