Anonymous
02/13/2021 16:41
Subject: SIL who never shows a crack in the armor
Maybe she objectively has a happy life, better than yours, and that’s just the truth.
Accept and move n.
Accept and move n.
Anonymous
02/13/2021 16:37
Subject: SIL who never shows a crack in the armor
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My SIL is athletic, has a great singing voice, plays guitar, has two beautiful children, has a spouse she loves, lives in a $2.5 million home in Berkeley that literally overlooks a Bay view and the Golden Gate Bridge. Six-figure job, and she's a former caterer who makes gourmet meals. She's fun and funny, and speaks fluent French.
I love her and am happy for her. Because none of that takes away from me.
Seriously, we should route for our family members to be successful and happy. Life can change so fast, we should celebrate the good things while they're happening.
<3
Anonymous
02/13/2021 16:33
Subject: SIL who never shows a crack in the armor
My SIL is relentlessly Polyanna and sunny. She's a total bitch, and it's a facade. I know about her issues because they spill out sometimes, but the face she shows her public is "everything is great, great, great." I think it's a WASPy thing. She's in her 50s and was raised that way. I hope her kids won't get that, since they grew up in a different time. I know my kids won't be like that. I'm anything but Polyanna.
Anonymous
02/13/2021 13:14
Subject: SIL who never shows a crack in the armor
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My SIL is athletic, has a great singing voice, plays guitar, has two beautiful children, has a spouse she loves, lives in a $2.5 million home in Berkeley that literally overlooks a Bay view and the Golden Gate Bridge. Six-figure job, and she's a former caterer who makes gourmet meals. She's fun and funny, and speaks fluent French.
I love her and am happy for her. Because none of that takes away from me.
What's the point of your story? Does she text you about it multiple times daily? Different situations, but congrats?
About..."it"? Do you mean...her life? Not daily, but we do text weekly or biweekly about LIFE. And I manage to hear about both the mundane and the big moments without feeling jealous or put-upon. Because I have a life of my own.
I guess I'm not understanding how your post applies to this or offers constructive advice, it seems like a brag.
I disagree that it comes across as a brag. This PP is showing what a healthy degree of self-awareness about different life situations. Who cares if SIL brags or doesn’t brag about her “perfect” life. Do one can control what other people do but you sure can control your reaction to it. OP needs therapy. She needs to learn to be comfortable in her own skin and not view her life as a comparison of other people. She will be a lot happier in life that way. This is not SIL’s fault (even if she is annoying).
You know I think there's a difference when someone ONLY shows the good stuff. It feels curated and inauthentic, not just like a happy circumstance. I have a friend like this and it can be difficult to feel very close because everything feels stage-managed at worst or really unaware at best. And if you're going through a hard time personally, it can be tough to get that stuff sent to you directly on a regular basis.
Then ask for less frequent communication. My goodness.
I had a friend text me a picture of her daughters playing in the snow today. Because I’m not stupid, I realize her daughters sometimes fight or wet the bed, but I’m super glad she doesn’t send me photos of THAT.
Because I’m not a moron, I know that it’s not “curating” or “staging” to send or post the nice things, it’s simple common sense. I don’t need pictures to know you occasionally get a hangnail, lice in your household, or a backed-up toilet.
+100.
Anonymous
02/13/2021 12:59
Subject: SIL who never shows a crack in the armor
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My SIL is athletic, has a great singing voice, plays guitar, has two beautiful children, has a spouse she loves, lives in a $2.5 million home in Berkeley that literally overlooks a Bay view and the Golden Gate Bridge. Six-figure job, and she's a former caterer who makes gourmet meals. She's fun and funny, and speaks fluent French.
I love her and am happy for her. Because none of that takes away from me.
What's the point of your story? Does she text you about it multiple times daily? Different situations, but congrats?
About..."it"? Do you mean...her life? Not daily, but we do text weekly or biweekly about LIFE. And I manage to hear about both the mundane and the big moments without feeling jealous or put-upon. Because I have a life of my own.
I guess I'm not understanding how your post applies to this or offers constructive advice, it seems like a brag.
I disagree that it comes across as a brag. This PP is showing what a healthy degree of self-awareness about different life situations. Who cares if SIL brags or doesn’t brag about her “perfect” life. Do one can control what other people do but you sure can control your reaction to it. OP needs therapy. She needs to learn to be comfortable in her own skin and not view her life as a comparison of other people. She will be a lot happier in life that way. This is not SIL’s fault (even if she is annoying).
You know I think there's a difference when someone ONLY shows the good stuff. It feels curated and inauthentic, not just like a happy circumstance. I have a friend like this and it can be difficult to feel very close because everything feels stage-managed at worst or really unaware at best. And if you're going through a hard time personally, it can be tough to get that stuff sent to you directly on a regular basis.
It feels "curated and inauthentic" TO YOU. Not everyone needs to wallow. That you do is your way. She may feel 180 degrees differently about you - you think that she is Pollyanna while she thinks you are a Defeatist. I don't get the intolerance although LOL at you calling her a "friend."
Anonymous
02/13/2021 12:52
Subject: SIL who never shows a crack in the armor
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Hi, does anyone have advice for getting over the envy of a SIL who is always upbeat, happy, and projects constant perfection? Everything is awe and wonder, from the cookies she baked with her kids to a sunset to her brand-new puppy to her new deck and on and on. Sometimes it's all a bit much because she shares this stuff in texts constantly. It is ALL RAINBOWS all the time.
I am going through some issues with my parents right now and just beginning to feel annoyed by her constant Pollyanna-ness. I also want to do some internal work on my envy. Anyone been there and have ideas?
Didn't read the thread, but want to respond.
Your SIL is LYING. It is NOT all sunshine and rainbows, most likely the opposite!!
I know TWO moms who were like this. Constant perfection: the house, the kids, the car, the clothes, the vacations, the academics, the sports, the special dog ordered from a breeder in another state, the perfect parties, perfect life, absolutely enviable perfection in every single thing....
The TRUTH, discovered after divorces in both families, they were both deeply troubled families!!
One parent (the sunniest, shiniest, beautiful, smart, well-educated, absolutely perfect in every way) was a serious alcoholic who ended up in rehab after an intervention by her perfect family, and she lost custody of her children!! She's now living alone and pretty depressed, going to AA meetings, trying to rebuild relationships with her kids. Her husband remarried a woman half his age, of course!!
Another family: The dad turned out to be closeted gay, and the mother, super perfect and super sunny, collapsed when he revealed this to her. She fell apart, lost the perfect house, everything. She went into a serious depression. I ran into her at the supermarket, and she had greasy hair, huge dark circles under her eyes, no makeup, ratty clothes, clearly a mess. She spilled the entire story to me, and seemed incredibly broken.
In both cases, I was SHOCKED. I envied these two families!! They were rich and successful and had super wonderful, enviable, absolutely fabulous-seeming lives. I could not believe their lives were in fact, much more troubled than mine. In fact, I'm always struggling to hold things together, yet felt pretty together by comparison to both these families.
No family is without problems. None. Many hide them better than others, though. Don't despair, OP. You don't need to envy your SIL. Ignore her sunniness. It's a fake facade. Count on it.
These stories are so common. Every time someone comes on DCUM burned out from the person who posts on social media obsessively about every good detail of their life, as opposed to the occasional we have the same responses. Some offended person says you need therapy for being annoyed, another offended person tells you that you are a terrible person and the rest of us say, we've seen it a thousand times and those people always have some perfect aspect implode. Even between DCUM I have seen instagram perfect marriages implode. The same mom bragging or as some would say simply "sharing" about her loving relationship with Larla, is now livid Larla is on Tiktok claiming mom is a verbally abusive alcoholic. I have countless stories to the point that now whenever anyone obsessively overshares I just assume something is horribly wrong and inevitably within a year i find out what the issue was.
OP the only thing you need to work on is boundaries. Check her messages less and just assume at some point you will find out what was so wrong in her life that she was this obsessed with sharing tidbits. In moderation I would be suspicious, but daily tells you something is glaringly wrong.
Oh and if you are going to post here telling me I am an evil troll and whatever else, save yourself the carpal tunnel and mark my words, your favorite over-sharer is struggling and one day you may or may not find out the deep dark secret she was trying to convince herself wasn't there.
Anonymous
02/13/2021 12:48
Subject: SIL who never shows a crack in the armor
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Hi, does anyone have advice for getting over the envy of a SIL who is always upbeat, happy, and projects constant perfection? Everything is awe and wonder, from the cookies she baked with her kids to a sunset to her brand-new puppy to her new deck and on and on. Sometimes it's all a bit much because she shares this stuff in texts constantly. It is ALL RAINBOWS all the time.
I am going through some issues with my parents right now and just beginning to feel annoyed by her constant Pollyanna-ness. I also want to do some internal work on my envy. Anyone been there and have ideas?
Didn't read the thread, but want to respond.
Your SIL is LYING. It is NOT all sunshine and rainbows, most likely the opposite!!
I know TWO moms who were like this. Constant perfection: the house, the kids, the car, the clothes, the vacations, the academics, the sports, the special dog ordered from a breeder in another state, the perfect parties, perfect life, absolutely enviable perfection in every single thing....
The TRUTH, discovered after divorces in both families, they were both deeply troubled families!!
One parent (the sunniest, shiniest, beautiful, smart, well-educated, absolutely perfect in every way) was a serious alcoholic who ended up in rehab after an intervention by her perfect family, and she lost custody of her children!! She's now living alone and pretty depressed, going to AA meetings, trying to rebuild relationships with her kids. Her husband remarried a woman half his age, of course!!
Another family: The dad turned out to be closeted gay, and the mother, super perfect and super sunny, collapsed when he revealed this to her. She fell apart, lost the perfect house, everything. She went into a serious depression. I ran into her at the supermarket, and she had greasy hair, huge dark circles under her eyes, no makeup, ratty clothes, clearly a mess. She spilled the entire story to me, and seemed incredibly broken.
In both cases, I was SHOCKED. I envied these two families!! They were rich and successful and had super wonderful, enviable, absolutely fabulous-seeming lives. I could not believe their lives were in fact, much more troubled than mine. In fact, I'm always struggling to hold things together, yet felt pretty together by comparison to both these families.
No family is without problems. None. Many hide them better than others, though. Don't despair, OP. You don't need to envy your SIL. Ignore her sunniness. It's a fake facade. Count on it.
And here is the difference in people. “Two men looked our from prison bars, one saw mud, the other saw stars”.
We know no ones life is perfect. Do you want to feel better about yourself because someone else is posting mud, or because they uplift you with stars?
Anonymous
02/13/2021 12:47
Subject: SIL who never shows a crack in the armor
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Hi, does anyone have advice for getting over the envy of a SIL who is always upbeat, happy, and projects constant perfection? Everything is awe and wonder, from the cookies she baked with her kids to a sunset to her brand-new puppy to her new deck and on and on. Sometimes it's all a bit much because she shares this stuff in texts constantly. It is ALL RAINBOWS all the time.
I am going through some issues with my parents right now and just beginning to feel annoyed by her constant Pollyanna-ness. I also want to do some internal work on my envy. Anyone been there and have ideas?
Maybe she genuinely feels that way. There was a woman like that in DH’s colon cancer support group. We wondered why she was even there. After a few months, her wife DIED.
And like...good that she could still find things to be happy and grateful about in life!
My next door neighbor just lost his wife to lung cancer. It was a long road; eight years. Toward the end, when it became clear that she would soon die, he and his daughters didn't retreat, or speak in hushed tones. They were all of them doing what they could to enjoy the hell out of life. It's only been a few weeks, but he is selling houses and active on social media and chatting across the fence. I'M GLAD that he is doing so well. Because she's gone either way. She's not coming back. So if he has it in him to chat with my daughters as they ride bikes in the driveway, that's better than seeing him weeping on his front stoop, or not seeing him at all because he can't get out of bed.
If he were in heavy mourning, I'd be there for him and would help in any way I could. But he's clearly managing, and I am glad he is. I'm not measuring his level of happiness and wondering why he's not crying into his beer.
You are so wrong.
He IS in heavy mourning, but it's repressed under his relentless activity.
Look at Jamie Raskin. That man is suffering. But he's out working, making jokes before the entire country.
Back at home, I'll bet he's in tears every single day.
Try to be supportive of your neighbor.
A close friend lost a child, and the one thing that really struck me was at the funeral she said she feared no one would remember her child.
She's still mourning, but I send her cards and small gifts every once in a while, just to let her know that I remember her child. And every time I do, she responds with thanks. She's still in deep mourning (it's been five years), but you wouldn't guess it from her outward appearance. She's busy and active, but crying inside. The pain doesn't go away for a long time, if ever.
Anonymous
02/13/2021 12:39
Subject: SIL who never shows a crack in the armor
Anonymous wrote:Hi, does anyone have advice for getting over the envy of a SIL who is always upbeat, happy, and projects constant perfection? Everything is awe and wonder, from the cookies she baked with her kids to a sunset to her brand-new puppy to her new deck and on and on. Sometimes it's all a bit much because she shares this stuff in texts constantly. It is ALL RAINBOWS all the time.
I am going through some issues with my parents right now and just beginning to feel annoyed by her constant Pollyanna-ness. I also want to do some internal work on my envy. Anyone been there and have ideas?
Didn't read the thread, but want to respond.
Your SIL is LYING. It is NOT all sunshine and rainbows, most likely the opposite!!
I know TWO moms who were like this. Constant perfection: the house, the kids, the car, the clothes, the vacations, the academics, the sports, the special dog ordered from a breeder in another state, the perfect parties, perfect life, absolutely enviable perfection in every single thing....
The TRUTH, discovered after divorces in both families, they were both deeply troubled families!!
One parent (the sunniest, shiniest, beautiful, smart, well-educated, absolutely perfect in every way) was a serious alcoholic who ended up in rehab after an intervention by her perfect family, and she lost custody of her children!! She's now living alone and pretty depressed, going to AA meetings, trying to rebuild relationships with her kids. Her husband remarried a woman half his age, of course!!
Another family: The dad turned out to be closeted gay, and the mother, super perfect and super sunny, collapsed when he revealed this to her. She fell apart, lost the perfect house, everything. She went into a serious depression. I ran into her at the supermarket, and she had greasy hair, huge dark circles under her eyes, no makeup, ratty clothes, clearly a mess. She spilled the entire story to me, and seemed incredibly broken.
In both cases, I was SHOCKED. I envied these two families!! They were rich and successful and had super wonderful, enviable, absolutely fabulous-seeming lives. I could not believe their lives were in fact, much more troubled than mine. In fact, I'm always struggling to hold things together, yet felt pretty together by comparison to both these families.
No family is without problems. None. Many hide them better than others, though. Don't despair, OP. You don't need to envy your SIL. Ignore her sunniness. It's a fake facade. Count on it.
Anonymous
02/13/2021 12:15
Subject: SIL who never shows a crack in the armor
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My SIL is athletic, has a great singing voice, plays guitar, has two beautiful children, has a spouse she loves, lives in a $2.5 million home in Berkeley that literally overlooks a Bay view and the Golden Gate Bridge. Six-figure job, and she's a former caterer who makes gourmet meals. She's fun and funny, and speaks fluent French.
I love her and am happy for her. Because none of that takes away from me.
What's the point of your story? Does she text you about it multiple times daily? Different situations, but congrats?
About..."it"? Do you mean...her life? Not daily, but we do text weekly or biweekly about LIFE. And I manage to hear about both the mundane and the big moments without feeling jealous or put-upon. Because I have a life of my own.
I guess I'm not understanding how your post applies to this or offers constructive advice, it seems like a brag.
I disagree that it comes across as a brag. This PP is showing what a healthy degree of self-awareness about different life situations. Who cares if SIL brags or doesn’t brag about her “perfect” life. Do one can control what other people do but you sure can control your reaction to it. OP needs therapy. She needs to learn to be comfortable in her own skin and not view her life as a comparison of other people. She will be a lot happier in life that way. This is not SIL’s fault (even if she is annoying).
You know I think there's a difference when someone ONLY shows the good stuff. It feels curated and inauthentic, not just like a happy circumstance. I have a friend like this and it can be difficult to feel very close because everything feels stage-managed at worst or really unaware at best. And if you're going through a hard time personally, it can be tough to get that stuff sent to you directly on a regular basis.
Then ask for less frequent communication. My goodness.
I had a friend text me a picture of her daughters playing in the snow today. Because I’m not stupid, I realize her daughters sometimes fight or wet the bed, but I’m super glad she doesn’t send me photos of THAT.
Because I’m not a moron, I know that it’s not “curating” or “staging” to send or post the nice things, it’s simple common sense. I don’t need pictures to know you occasionally get a hangnail, lice in your household, or a backed-up toilet.
Anonymous
02/13/2021 12:04
Subject: SIL who never shows a crack in the armor
Anonymous wrote:My SIL is athletic, has a great singing voice, plays guitar, has two beautiful children, has a spouse she loves, lives in a $2.5 million home in Berkeley that literally overlooks a Bay view and the Golden Gate Bridge. Six-figure job, and she's a former caterer who makes gourmet meals. She's fun and funny, and speaks fluent French.
I love her and am happy for her. Because none of that takes away from me.
Seriously, we should route for our family members to be successful and happy. Life can change so fast, we should celebrate the good things while they're happening.
Anonymous
02/13/2021 11:57
Subject: SIL who never shows a crack in the armor
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My SIL is athletic, has a great singing voice, plays guitar, has two beautiful children, has a spouse she loves, lives in a $2.5 million home in Berkeley that literally overlooks a Bay view and the Golden Gate Bridge. Six-figure job, and she's a former caterer who makes gourmet meals. She's fun and funny, and speaks fluent French.
I love her and am happy for her. Because none of that takes away from me.
What's the point of your story? Does she text you about it multiple times daily? Different situations, but congrats?
About..."it"? Do you mean...her life? Not daily, but we do text weekly or biweekly about LIFE. And I manage to hear about both the mundane and the big moments without feeling jealous or put-upon. Because I have a life of my own.
I guess I'm not understanding how your post applies to this or offers constructive advice, it seems like a brag.
I disagree that it comes across as a brag. This PP is showing what a healthy degree of self-awareness about different life situations. Who cares if SIL brags or doesn’t brag about her “perfect” life. Do one can control what other people do but you sure can control your reaction to it. OP needs therapy. She needs to learn to be comfortable in her own skin and not view her life as a comparison of other people. She will be a lot happier in life that way. This is not SIL’s fault (even if she is annoying).
You know I think there's a difference when someone ONLY shows the good stuff. It feels curated and inauthentic, not just like a happy circumstance. I have a friend like this and it can be difficult to feel very close because everything feels stage-managed at worst or really unaware at best. And if you're going through a hard time personally, it can be tough to get that stuff sent to you directly on a regular basis.
Then, it’s honestly up to you to manage your input. And I say this as someone who has had tough times. Having it rain for someone else doesn’t make your time any easier. If anything, find the perspective that the sun really does shine.
Anonymous
02/13/2021 11:16
Subject: SIL who never shows a crack in the armor
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My SIL is athletic, has a great singing voice, plays guitar, has two beautiful children, has a spouse she loves, lives in a $2.5 million home in Berkeley that literally overlooks a Bay view and the Golden Gate Bridge. Six-figure job, and she's a former caterer who makes gourmet meals. She's fun and funny, and speaks fluent French.
I love her and am happy for her. Because none of that takes away from me.
What's the point of your story? Does she text you about it multiple times daily? Different situations, but congrats?
About..."it"? Do you mean...her life? Not daily, but we do text weekly or biweekly about LIFE. And I manage to hear about both the mundane and the big moments without feeling jealous or put-upon. Because I have a life of my own.
I guess I'm not understanding how your post applies to this or offers constructive advice, it seems like a brag.
I disagree that it comes across as a brag. This PP is showing what a healthy degree of self-awareness about different life situations. Who cares if SIL brags or doesn’t brag about her “perfect” life. Do one can control what other people do but you sure can control your reaction to it. OP needs therapy. She needs to learn to be comfortable in her own skin and not view her life as a comparison of other people. She will be a lot happier in life that way. This is not SIL’s fault (even if she is annoying).
You know I think there's a difference when someone ONLY shows the good stuff. It feels curated and inauthentic, not just like a happy circumstance. I have a friend like this and it can be difficult to feel very close because everything feels stage-managed at worst or really unaware at best. And if you're going through a hard time personally, it can be tough to get that stuff sent to you directly on a regular basis.
Anonymous
02/13/2021 11:14
Subject: SIL who never shows a crack in the armor
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My SIL is athletic, has a great singing voice, plays guitar, has two beautiful children, has a spouse she loves, lives in a $2.5 million home in Berkeley that literally overlooks a Bay view and the Golden Gate Bridge. Six-figure job, and she's a former caterer who makes gourmet meals. She's fun and funny, and speaks fluent French.
I love her and am happy for her. Because none of that takes away from me.
What's the point of your story? Does she text you about it multiple times daily? Different situations, but congrats?
About..."it"? Do you mean...her life? Not daily, but we do text weekly or biweekly about LIFE. And I manage to hear about both the mundane and the big moments without feeling jealous or put-upon. Because I have a life of my own.
I guess I'm not understanding how your post applies to this or offers constructive advice, it seems like a brag.
I disagree that it comes across as a brag. This PP is showing what a healthy degree of self-awareness about different life situations. Who cares if SIL brags or doesn’t brag about her “perfect” life. Do one can control what other people do but you sure can control your reaction to it. OP needs therapy. She needs to learn to be comfortable in her own skin and not view her life as a comparison of other people. She will be a lot happier in life that way. This is not SIL’s fault (even if she is annoying).
Anonymous
02/13/2021 11:01
Subject: SIL who never shows a crack in the armor
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My SIL is athletic, has a great singing voice, plays guitar, has two beautiful children, has a spouse she loves, lives in a $2.5 million home in Berkeley that literally overlooks a Bay view and the Golden Gate Bridge. Six-figure job, and she's a former caterer who makes gourmet meals. She's fun and funny, and speaks fluent French.
I love her and am happy for her. Because none of that takes away from me.
What's the point of your story? Does she text you about it multiple times daily? Different situations, but congrats?
About..."it"? Do you mean...her life? Not daily, but we do text weekly or biweekly about LIFE. And I manage to hear about both the mundane and the big moments without feeling jealous or put-upon. Because I have a life of my own.
I guess I'm not understanding how your post applies to this or offers constructive advice, it seems like a brag.