Anonymous wrote:My wife wants our children to have the same childhood she did. She wants to go home to close to her (divorced) parents, but most importantly, she wants to emulate her younger sister’s life, which is an adoring husband, and two daughters ( we have three sons) living on a lifestyle property with lots of animals. I’m really concerned that her primary motivation for returning home is to be close to her sister. Well, she originally moved to the city because her sister was here studying and was a bit lonely, but as soon as she finished study she moved back to the small town, essentially abandoning my wife (who was just my g/f then.) - OP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was kind of with you, OP, until you made the comment about feeling like she was rejecting you. The conversation you need to have with your spouse goes beyond the city you live in. If you do wind up separating over this, I hope it’s truly about where you live and not deeper issues in yourself and your marriage that you haven’t gotten the opportunity to address.

Also if you divorce and you aren’t the primary parent (ie you haven’t been the one taking the kids to school or daycare or play dates or extracurriculars or spending the most time with them after work), the kids might spend more time with their mom than with you.

The comment OP made about feeling rejected really resonated with me. My DH wants to move back to his cute but small hometown, the city is our middle ground (I am also from somewhere else), whenever he starts his rant against the DMV and where we live I have now reached the point where I just hear « the home we built together sucks, I just want to go back to my mom ». It is depressing and I feel like letting him go. If he prefers to go back to his childhood rather than build a future with me, it breaks my heart but maybe it means our couple is not worth it

Anonymous wrote:I was kind of with you, OP, until you made the comment about feeling like she was rejecting you. The conversation you need to have with your spouse goes beyond the city you live in. If you do wind up separating over this, I hope it’s truly about where you live and not deeper issues in yourself and your marriage that you haven’t gotten the opportunity to address.

Also if you divorce and you aren’t the primary parent (ie you haven’t been the one taking the kids to school or daycare or play dates or extracurriculars or spending the most time with them after work), the kids might spend more time with their mom than with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

OP, Take a quick step back and think about your post.

My opinion on this is from the other side. I’m the “trailing spouse” and it sucks. It sucks far beyond what I ever thought it would.

So when you say you’re near “our” friends, you mean you’re near your friends that she has also become friends with. You’re near your family, friends, work, familiar things, routine, history. You have everything you have known your entire life, including close support from your family.,

You talk about feeling rejected that you’ve built some kind of life for her. Did you ever consider that maybe it’s more the life that YOU want? It’s like giving someone a gift that they don’t like. They have to grin and be grateful, but they’re thinking “what the hell am I supposed to Dow til this now?”

Your wife is isolated as a SAH, especially if your kids are older. You know that outsider feeling you’re worried about if you move to her town - she likely feels is every day. Some cities are terrible about outsiders, especially if they think you’re not metropolitan enough to be there.

Oh, and yeah - she’s given up her identity to live in your city.

I moved for my spouse. It uprooted everything I had, including a career I loved. I managed to get a job in my industry, but online, which meant I didn’t have the benefit of face time with peers. I don’t fit in with the local moms as I’m older and not from here. Many people SAH and I work. We have a lovely house, but it’s my prison. I pine every day to go back to where we lived before, where I had friends and things I loved, and people who loved me. It’s seriously impacted my mental health, 9 years later, and in that, I beg you to at least consider moving for your wife, as it sounds like your job will be the same. Experience what she has - a shift in not knowing what she knows, a lack of family support, sacrifice. Feeling like a stranger every where you go.

I know you won’t, because like my DH, you’re too stuck on what you think is best, and too happy in your personal comfort zone. She HAS considered your needs, and has lived that way for years.

Hey, lady--they MET in the city, where OP's wife was living VOLUNTARILY. I'm sorry you moved for your husband and are unhappy, but she did not move for him. They continued to live in the city where they met and married. Now she wants to drag him back to Nowheresville just so she can relive her glory days, or something. So stop projecting your own sorry situation onto this one.

Yeah. So no one is never allowed to change their minds.

City living isn’t as wonderful as you want to think it is, wit no family or friend support.

I love the people on here, panicking about school ratings, COL, etc. And it would never occur totem that there are OTHER PLACES TO LIVE. so keep up. OPs wife is finding that city living is not serving her now that she is no longer single and a mother. Family support MATTERS. So How about you keep up. Not everything is about having access to the best take out and the theatre.

OP already knows there's other places to live. And he doesn't want to live there. Sorry you don't have a voice in your marriage, but you must quit projecting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

OP, Take a quick step back and think about your post.

My opinion on this is from the other side. I’m the “trailing spouse” and it sucks. It sucks far beyond what I ever thought it would.

So when you say you’re near “our” friends, you mean you’re near your friends that she has also become friends with. You’re near your family, friends, work, familiar things, routine, history. You have everything you have known your entire life, including close support from your family.,

You talk about feeling rejected that you’ve built some kind of life for her. Did you ever consider that maybe it’s more the life that YOU want? It’s like giving someone a gift that they don’t like. They have to grin and be grateful, but they’re thinking “what the hell am I supposed to Dow til this now?”

Your wife is isolated as a SAH, especially if your kids are older. You know that outsider feeling you’re worried about if you move to her town - she likely feels is every day. Some cities are terrible about outsiders, especially if they think you’re not metropolitan enough to be there.

Oh, and yeah - she’s given up her identity to live in your city.

I moved for my spouse. It uprooted everything I had, including a career I loved. I managed to get a job in my industry, but online, which meant I didn’t have the benefit of face time with peers. I don’t fit in with the local moms as I’m older and not from here. Many people SAH and I work. We have a lovely house, but it’s my prison. I pine every day to go back to where we lived before, where I had friends and things I loved, and people who loved me. It’s seriously impacted my mental health, 9 years later, and in that, I beg you to at least consider moving for your wife, as it sounds like your job will be the same. Experience what she has - a shift in not knowing what she knows, a lack of family support, sacrifice. Feeling like a stranger every where you go.

I know you won’t, because like my DH, you’re too stuck on what you think is best, and too happy in your personal comfort zone. She HAS considered your needs, and has lived that way for years.

Hey, lady--they MET in the city, where OP's wife was living VOLUNTARILY. I'm sorry you moved for your husband and are unhappy, but she did not move for him. They continued to live in the city where they met and married. Now she wants to drag him back to Nowheresville just so she can relive her glory days, or something. So stop projecting your own sorry situation onto this one.

Yeah. So no one is never allowed to change their minds.

City living isn’t as wonderful as you want to think it is, wit no family or friend support.

I love the people on here, panicking about school ratings, COL, etc. And it would never occur totem that there are OTHER PLACES TO LIVE. so keep up. OPs wife is finding that city living is not serving her now that she is no longer single and a mother. Family support MATTERS. So How about you keep up. Not everything is about having access to the best take out and the theatre.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

OP, Take a quick step back and think about your post.

My opinion on this is from the other side. I’m the “trailing spouse” and it sucks. It sucks far beyond what I ever thought it would.

So when you say you’re near “our” friends, you mean you’re near your friends that she has also become friends with. You’re near your family, friends, work, familiar things, routine, history. You have everything you have known your entire life, including close support from your family.,

You talk about feeling rejected that you’ve built some kind of life for her. Did you ever consider that maybe it’s more the life that YOU want? It’s like giving someone a gift that they don’t like. They have to grin and be grateful, but they’re thinking “what the hell am I supposed to Dow til this now?”

Your wife is isolated as a SAH, especially if your kids are older. You know that outsider feeling you’re worried about if you move to her town - she likely feels is every day. Some cities are terrible about outsiders, especially if they think you’re not metropolitan enough to be there.

Oh, and yeah - she’s given up her identity to live in your city.

I moved for my spouse. It uprooted everything I had, including a career I loved. I managed to get a job in my industry, but online, which meant I didn’t have the benefit of face time with peers. I don’t fit in with the local moms as I’m older and not from here. Many people SAH and I work. We have a lovely house, but it’s my prison. I pine every day to go back to where we lived before, where I had friends and things I loved, and people who loved me. It’s seriously impacted my mental health, 9 years later, and in that, I beg you to at least consider moving for your wife, as it sounds like your job will be the same. Experience what she has - a shift in not knowing what she knows, a lack of family support, sacrifice. Feeling like a stranger every where you go.

I know you won’t, because like my DH, you’re too stuck on what you think is best, and too happy in your personal comfort zone. She HAS considered your needs, and has lived that way for years.

Hey, lady--they MET in the city, where OP's wife was living VOLUNTARILY. I'm sorry you moved for your husband and are unhappy, but she did not move for him. They continued to live in the city where they met and married. Now she wants to drag him back to Nowheresville just so she can relive her glory days, or something. So stop projecting your own sorry situation onto this one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

OP, Take a quick step back and think about your post.

My opinion on this is from the other side. I’m the “trailing spouse” and it sucks. It sucks far beyond what I ever thought it would.

So when you say you’re near “our” friends, you mean you’re near your friends that she has also become friends with. You’re near your family, friends, work, familiar things, routine, history. You have everything you have known your entire life, including close support from your family.,

You talk about feeling rejected that you’ve built some kind of life for her. Did you ever consider that maybe it’s more the life that YOU want? It’s like giving someone a gift that they don’t like. They have to grin and be grateful, but they’re thinking “what the hell am I supposed to Dow til this now?”

Your wife is isolated as a SAH, especially if your kids are older. You know that outsider feeling you’re worried about if you move to her town - she likely feels is every day. Some cities are terrible about outsiders, especially if they think you’re not metropolitan enough to be there.

Oh, and yeah - she’s given up her identity to live in your city.

I moved for my spouse. It uprooted everything I had, including a career I loved. I managed to get a job in my industry, but online, which meant I didn’t have the benefit of face time with peers. I don’t fit in with the local moms as I’m older and not from here. Many people SAH and I work. We have a lovely house, but it’s my prison. I pine every day to go back to where we lived before, where I had friends and things I loved, and people who loved me. It’s seriously impacted my mental health, 9 years later, and in that, I beg you to at least consider moving for your wife, as it sounds like your job will be the same. Experience what she has - a shift in not knowing what she knows, a lack of family support, sacrifice. Feeling like a stranger every where you go.

I know you won’t, because like my DH, you’re too stuck on what you think is best, and too happy in your personal comfort zone. She HAS considered your needs, and has lived that way for years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another DCUM thread where, if we reversed the genders, I bet we get radically different responses.

OP - Just because your spouse wants something doesn’t make you wrong for not wanting it too. I think you need to go see a lawyer on your own, to learn what you give up by making the move (eg: different states have different laws, once you move then all she has to do is say “no” and you will be the one who cannot leave, etc.).

Exactly. Did anyone ask where the couple met or whether the wife expressed any desire to move back before the first kid was born? It sounds like OP won’t be happy in a small town and his wife isn’t happy in the city, but a spouse is entitled to reasonable expectations based on the circumstances. And small-town living can be awful for kids used to a more interesting environment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

OP, Take a quick step back and think about your post.

My opinion on this is from the other side. I’m the “trailing spouse” and it sucks. It sucks far beyond what I ever thought it would.

So when you say you’re near “our” friends, you mean you’re near your friends that she has also become friends with. You’re near your family, friends, work, familiar things, routine, history. You have everything you have known your entire life, including close support from your family.,

You talk about feeling rejected that you’ve built some kind of life for her. Did you ever consider that maybe it’s more the life that YOU want? It’s like giving someone a gift that they don’t like. They have to grin and be grateful, but they’re thinking “what the hell am I supposed to Dow til this now?”

Your wife is isolated as a SAH, especially if your kids are older. You know that outsider feeling you’re worried about if you move to her town - she likely feels is every day. Some cities are terrible about outsiders, especially if they think you’re not metropolitan enough to be there.

Oh, and yeah - she’s given up her identity to live in your city.

I moved for my spouse. It uprooted everything I had, including a career I loved. I managed to get a job in my industry, but online, which meant I didn’t have the benefit of face time with peers. I don’t fit in with the local moms as I’m older and not from here. Many people SAH and I work. We have a lovely house, but it’s my prison. I pine every day to go back to where we lived before, where I had friends and things I loved, and people who loved me. It’s seriously impacted my mental health, 9 years later, and in that, I beg you to at least consider moving for your wife, as it sounds like your job will be the same. Experience what she has - a shift in not knowing what she knows, a lack of family support, sacrifice. Feeling like a stranger every where you go.

I know you won’t, because like my DH, you’re too stuck on what you think is best, and too happy in your personal comfort zone. She HAS considered your needs, and has lived that way for years.

This post is nuts. Because the OP's wife is NOT a trailing spouse. They met in their mutual city and have set up a life there. She's was not in the city because of OP. She was there of her own free will. Years later she decided she doesn't want to live there anymore. Totally different than a spouse that gets dragged from city to city for their spouse's job.

How is it “nuts”? You have no idea what it’s like to live away from family, especially when you have small children, until you do. You can ”agree” to all kinds of things until you realize retry don’t work for you.

People are changeable, flexible, and human things. WTF is with you people who can’t get that? His wife was in a big city, and realized it didn’t serve her, as *there was nothing there for her*. No family, no friends, no work, no support.

I'm the PP you're responding to. It's not nuts to change your opinion or determine later that you don't like something. But it is NUTS to unilaterally say you are taking the kids and moving to a small town three hours away and if the DH doesn't come, it's because he is "selfish".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

OP, Take a quick step back and think about your post.

My opinion on this is from the other side. I’m the “trailing spouse” and it sucks. It sucks far beyond what I ever thought it would.

So when you say you’re near “our” friends, you mean you’re near your friends that she has also become friends with. You’re near your family, friends, work, familiar things, routine, history. You have everything you have known your entire life, including close support from your family.,

You talk about feeling rejected that you’ve built some kind of life for her. Did you ever consider that maybe it’s more the life that YOU want? It’s like giving someone a gift that they don’t like. They have to grin and be grateful, but they’re thinking “what the hell am I supposed to Dow til this now?”

Your wife is isolated as a SAH, especially if your kids are older. You know that outsider feeling you’re worried about if you move to her town - she likely feels is every day. Some cities are terrible about outsiders, especially if they think you’re not metropolitan enough to be there.

Oh, and yeah - she’s given up her identity to live in your city.

I moved for my spouse. It uprooted everything I had, including a career I loved. I managed to get a job in my industry, but online, which meant I didn’t have the benefit of face time with peers. I don’t fit in with the local moms as I’m older and not from here. Many people SAH and I work. We have a lovely house, but it’s my prison. I pine every day to go back to where we lived before, where I had friends and things I loved, and people who loved me. It’s seriously impacted my mental health, 9 years later, and in that, I beg you to at least consider moving for your wife, as it sounds like your job will be the same. Experience what she has - a shift in not knowing what she knows, a lack of family support, sacrifice. Feeling like a stranger every where you go.

I know you won’t, because like my DH, you’re too stuck on what you think is best, and too happy in your personal comfort zone. She HAS considered your needs, and has lived that way for years.

This post is nuts. Because the OP's wife is NOT a trailing spouse. They met in their mutual city and have set up a life there. She's was not in the city because of OP. She was there of her own free will. Years later she decided she doesn't want to live there anymore. Totally different than a spouse that gets dragged from city to city for their spouse's job.

How is it “nuts”? You have no idea what it’s like to live away from family, especially when you have small children, until you do. You can ”agree” to all kinds of things until you realize retry don’t work for you.

People are changeable, flexible, and human things. WTF is with you people who can’t get that? His wife was in a big city, and realized it didn’t serve her, as *there was nothing there for her*. No family, no friends, no work, no support.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

OP, Take a quick step back and think about your post.

My opinion on this is from the other side. I’m the “trailing spouse” and it sucks. It sucks far beyond what I ever thought it would.

So when you say you’re near “our” friends, you mean you’re near your friends that she has also become friends with. You’re near your family, friends, work, familiar things, routine, history. You have everything you have known your entire life, including close support from your family.,

You talk about feeling rejected that you’ve built some kind of life for her. Did you ever consider that maybe it’s more the life that YOU want? It’s like giving someone a gift that they don’t like. They have to grin and be grateful, but they’re thinking “what the hell am I supposed to Dow til this now?”

Your wife is isolated as a SAH, especially if your kids are older. You know that outsider feeling you’re worried about if you move to her town - she likely feels is every day. Some cities are terrible about outsiders, especially if they think you’re not metropolitan enough to be there.

Oh, and yeah - she’s given up her identity to live in your city.

I moved for my spouse. It uprooted everything I had, including a career I loved. I managed to get a job in my industry, but online, which meant I didn’t have the benefit of face time with peers. I don’t fit in with the local moms as I’m older and not from here. Many people SAH and I work. We have a lovely house, but it’s my prison. I pine every day to go back to where we lived before, where I had friends and things I loved, and people who loved me. It’s seriously impacted my mental health, 9 years later, and in that, I beg you to at least consider moving for your wife, as it sounds like your job will be the same. Experience what she has - a shift in not knowing what she knows, a lack of family support, sacrifice. Feeling like a stranger every where you go.

I know you won’t, because like my DH, you’re too stuck on what you think is best, and too happy in your personal comfort zone. She HAS considered your needs, and has lived that way for years.

This post is nuts. Because the OP's wife is NOT a trailing spouse. They met in their mutual city and have set up a life there. She's was not in the city because of OP. She was there of her own free will. Years later she decided she doesn't want to live there anymore. Totally different than a spouse that gets dragged from city to city for their spouse's job.