Anonymous
12/09/2020 16:10
Subject: Disagreement About Childcare
Anonymous wrote:I think OP should quit her job.
She should stay home, clean, do laundry, cook dinner every night, have an expensive scotch waiting for her super important husband to finish work (or get back from his “missions”?). Maybe give him a nightly foot massage, weekly back massage. Get some fancy lingerie and make sure to please him nightly after the kids are tucked lovingly into bed (while he smokes cigars in the *now soundproofed* study, of course. God forbid he engage in childcare. Yuck!)
I mean, OP wouldn’t take any other suggestions, so maybe this is what she wants to hear?
OP here. I’m not waiting on any man, husband or not. I would love to quit my job but we need my income for longterm financial goals.
Anonymous
12/09/2020 16:08
Subject: Re:Disagreement About Childcare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why is he ok with putting kids in daycare when you have 2 kids, but not with 1 kid.
None of this makes sense.
I agree -- doesn't make sense -- so it's a T R O L L !!
No, you just can’t read. OP said they had their child in daycare but took him out when the pandemic hit. They’re hoping the pandemic will be over once she has a second child and they can both go to daycare. That’s not really hard to comprehend.
Anonymous
12/09/2020 15:52
Subject: Disagreement About Childcare
I think OP should quit her job.
She should stay home, clean, do laundry, cook dinner every night, have an expensive scotch waiting for her super important husband to finish work (or get back from his “missions”?). Maybe give him a nightly foot massage, weekly back massage. Get some fancy lingerie and make sure to please him nightly after the kids are tucked lovingly into bed (while he smokes cigars in the *now soundproofed* study, of course. God forbid he engage in childcare. Yuck!)
I mean, OP wouldn’t take any other suggestions, so maybe this is what she wants to hear?
She should stay home, clean, do laundry, cook dinner every night, have an expensive scotch waiting for her super important husband to finish work (or get back from his “missions”?). Maybe give him a nightly foot massage, weekly back massage. Get some fancy lingerie and make sure to please him nightly after the kids are tucked lovingly into bed (while he smokes cigars in the *now soundproofed* study, of course. God forbid he engage in childcare. Yuck!)
I mean, OP wouldn’t take any other suggestions, so maybe this is what she wants to hear?
Anonymous
12/09/2020 15:48
Subject: Re:Disagreement About Childcare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP's original question was: "How do you come to agreement?"
OP - any marital advice or counselor worth anything agrees that for these big changes that materially impact the other spouse, either partner gets veto power.
Example: One spouse wants to have another baby, and the other does not? Does not matter how bad either one's rationale is.... the person who does NOT want the baby (the change) always "wins out".
Example: One spouse wants to move to a new city, and the other does not? Does not matter how bad either one's rationale is.... the person who does NOT want to move (the change) always wins out.
Example: One spouse their job and wants to quit to something slightly lower paying. The person who wants to quit DOES get power to make this decision themselves, because it won't materially impact the other spouse.
In your example, your DH wants you to quit your job. You do not want to quit. There is no agreement to come to. YOU have veto power over this decision, because he cannot make a decision for your family that is a material change for you and something you don't want. Hard stop.
+100 This does an excellent job of spelling out the nature of this disagreement.
I don't disagree with the notion of "veto power" in that this is a huge decision that is in OP's court. But in general, I'd hope that a marriage counselor would help a couple avoid getting to the point where one spouse has to issue vetos. Ideally, it doesn't come to a point where someone has to issue a veto, because the other person realizes that they have to get consent on those kinds of things, and are always asking, not demanding.
Anonymous
12/09/2020 15:46
Subject: Disagreement About Childcare
Well, I'll say this much, you were right to shut down people helpfully suggesting a nanny share, because it would probably be hard for you to find anyone wanting to deal with a paranoid gun-toting person in my nanny share.
Anonymous
12/09/2020 15:45
Subject: Re:Disagreement About Childcare
I'm also confused. I'm a fed and my understanding is that the top secret stuff cannot be done at home. My husband doesn't want me around when he discusses patient data and health info.
Anonymous
12/09/2020 15:42
Subject: Re:Disagreement About Childcare
Anonymous wrote:Why is he ok with putting kids in daycare when you have 2 kids, but not with 1 kid.
None of this makes sense.
I agree -- doesn't make sense -- so it's a T R O L L !!
Anonymous
12/09/2020 15:41
Subject: Re:Disagreement About Childcare
Anonymous wrote:OP's original question was: "How do you come to agreement?"
OP - any marital advice or counselor worth anything agrees that for these big changes that materially impact the other spouse, either partner gets veto power.
Example: One spouse wants to have another baby, and the other does not? Does not matter how bad either one's rationale is.... the person who does NOT want the baby (the change) always "wins out".
Example: One spouse wants to move to a new city, and the other does not? Does not matter how bad either one's rationale is.... the person who does NOT want to move (the change) always wins out.
Example: One spouse their job and wants to quit to something slightly lower paying. The person who wants to quit DOES get power to make this decision themselves, because it won't materially impact the other spouse.
In your example, your DH wants you to quit your job. You do not want to quit. There is no agreement to come to. YOU have veto power over this decision, because he cannot make a decision for your family that is a material change for you and something you don't want. Hard stop.
+100 This does an excellent job of spelling out the nature of this disagreement.
Anonymous
12/09/2020 15:40
Subject: Disagreement About Childcare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your husband is full of shit about how important his job is and irrational
Agree. And the firearm excuse is BS too. Plenty of us have firearms and keep them in secure safes made for that purpose (and don't advertise the fact that we have firearms). Or does your super-important James Bond husband just keep his guns lying around next to your kid's play dough?
OP here. My husband has a firearm he carries for work, but the rest are for protection. We keep them in a safe locked away. No one has access to our guns but us.
Four guns in the house for protection??? You’re both insane. What are you gonna do when the intruders come? Ask them to wait a minute while you unlock the safe and put four guns together? Ridiculous. I wouldn’t want to nanny for you, but it would have nothing to do with the guns. It would be because you’re clearly nuts.
Also, your husband doesn’t carry a weapon for work. He works from home managing programs or whatever bs you’re claiming. What exactly is the gun for?
I’m fairly confident this is 90% trolling.
OP here. One is for his job, one handgun, one shotgun, and one AR-15. Our guns are always ready to go. We need to protect ourselves.
A famous quote
“ People rely on the police to keep them safe. That’s the problem”.
With the current state of our world, it’s best we have the means to protect ourselves.
You cannot legally own an AR-15 in DC. Go away.
OP here. I don’t live in DC.
Well thank goodness for that.
OP here. We live in VA. The firearms are really no ones business. I only mentioned it because some nannies said they have not been comfortable working in our home with guns.
It seems my husband and I won’t come to a decision. Daycare is the best option because I don’t trust nanny shares. We can’t have a nanny. I need my job for our long term financial goals.
With that attitude, of your way is best, nothing else is an option, then no, you won't come to an agreement.
Anonymous
12/09/2020 15:31
Subject: Re:Disagreement About Childcare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why is he ok with putting kids in daycare when you have 2 kids, but not with 1 kid.
None of this makes sense.
OP here. Our child is a little over a year. He was in daycare but then the pandemic hit and we had to pull him out. We are currently trying for another baby. He is hoping the pandemic will be over in the next year and daycare will be safe. I know daycares are taking proper precautions and I feel it’s safe.
Don't have another kid now unless you're completely okay with giving up your career
OP, this is excellent advice.
There is no universe in which you will have to show up for your child when things get difficult. Daycares don't work out, schools don't always work out, children get sick, they need testing, the they-needs go on forever and you will be the first responder to any kids' needs. It gets harder as they get older, not easier, and much more expensive. Do not try for a second until you can both be happy with the situation that you have with the first. This dynamic never gets easier and your DH does not deserve to be vilified from the few posts I've read. Realism is needed here and rushing into a second when you are still in disagreement with the first is not wise.
Anonymous
12/09/2020 15:27
Subject: Disagreement About Childcare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your husband is full of shit about how important his job is and irrational
Agree. And the firearm excuse is BS too. Plenty of us have firearms and keep them in secure safes made for that purpose (and don't advertise the fact that we have firearms). Or does your super-important James Bond husband just keep his guns lying around next to your kid's play dough?
OP here. My husband has a firearm he carries for work, but the rest are for protection. We keep them in a safe locked away. No one has access to our guns but us.
Four guns in the house for protection??? You’re both insane. What are you gonna do when the intruders come? Ask them to wait a minute while you unlock the safe and put four guns together? Ridiculous. I wouldn’t want to nanny for you, but it would have nothing to do with the guns. It would be because you’re clearly nuts.
Also, your husband doesn’t carry a weapon for work. He works from home managing programs or whatever bs you’re claiming. What exactly is the gun for?
I’m fairly confident this is 90% trolling.
OP here. One is for his job, one handgun, one shotgun, and one AR-15. Our guns are always ready to go. We need to protect ourselves.
A famous quote
“ People rely on the police to keep them safe. That’s the problem”.
With the current state of our world, it’s best we have the means to protect ourselves.
You cannot legally own an AR-15 in DC. Go away.
OP here. I don’t live in DC.
Well thank goodness for that.
OP here. We live in VA. The firearms are really no ones business. I only mentioned it because some nannies said they have not been comfortable working in our home with guns.
It seems my husband and I won’t come to a decision. Daycare is the best option because I don’t trust nanny shares. We can’t have a nanny. I need my job for our long term financial goals.
Anonymous
12/09/2020 15:25
Subject: Disagreement About Childcare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your husband is full of shit about how important his job is and irrational
Agree. And the firearm excuse is BS too. Plenty of us have firearms and keep them in secure safes made for that purpose (and don't advertise the fact that we have firearms). Or does your super-important James Bond husband just keep his guns lying around next to your kid's play dough?
OP here. My husband has a firearm he carries for work, but the rest are for protection. We keep them in a safe locked away. No one has access to our guns but us.
Four guns in the house for protection??? You’re both insane. What are you gonna do when the intruders come? Ask them to wait a minute while you unlock the safe and put four guns together? Ridiculous. I wouldn’t want to nanny for you, but it would have nothing to do with the guns. It would be because you’re clearly nuts.
Also, your husband doesn’t carry a weapon for work. He works from home managing programs or whatever bs you’re claiming. What exactly is the gun for?
I’m fairly confident this is 90% trolling.
OP here. One is for his job, one handgun, one shotgun, and one AR-15. Our guns are always ready to go. We need to protect ourselves.
A famous quote
“ People rely on the police to keep them safe. That’s the problem”.
With the current state of our world, it’s best we have the means to protect ourselves.
You cannot legally own an AR-15 in DC. Go away.
OP here. I don’t live in DC.
Well thank goodness for that.
Anonymous
12/09/2020 15:23
Subject: Disagreement About Childcare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your husband is full of shit about how important his job is and irrational
Agree. And the firearm excuse is BS too. Plenty of us have firearms and keep them in secure safes made for that purpose (and don't advertise the fact that we have firearms). Or does your super-important James Bond husband just keep his guns lying around next to your kid's play dough?
OP here. My husband has a firearm he carries for work, but the rest are for protection. We keep them in a safe locked away. No one has access to our guns but us.
Four guns in the house for protection??? You’re both insane. What are you gonna do when the intruders come? Ask them to wait a minute while you unlock the safe and put four guns together? Ridiculous. I wouldn’t want to nanny for you, but it would have nothing to do with the guns. It would be because you’re clearly nuts.
Also, your husband doesn’t carry a weapon for work. He works from home managing programs or whatever bs you’re claiming. What exactly is the gun for?
I’m fairly confident this is 90% trolling.
OP here. One is for his job, one handgun, one shotgun, and one AR-15. Our guns are always ready to go. We need to protect ourselves.
A famous quote
“ People rely on the police to keep them safe. That’s the problem”.
With the current state of our world, it’s best we have the means to protect ourselves.
You cannot legally own an AR-15 in DC. Go away.
OP here. I don’t live in DC.
Anonymous
12/09/2020 15:22
Subject: Disagreement About Childcare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your husband is full of shit about how important his job is and irrational
Agree. And the firearm excuse is BS too. Plenty of us have firearms and keep them in secure safes made for that purpose (and don't advertise the fact that we have firearms). Or does your super-important James Bond husband just keep his guns lying around next to your kid's play dough?
OP here. My husband has a firearm he carries for work, but the rest are for protection. We keep them in a safe locked away. No one has access to our guns but us.
Four guns in the house for protection??? You’re both insane. What are you gonna do when the intruders come? Ask them to wait a minute while you unlock the safe and put four guns together? Ridiculous. I wouldn’t want to nanny for you, but it would have nothing to do with the guns. It would be because you’re clearly nuts.
Also, your husband doesn’t carry a weapon for work. He works from home managing programs or whatever bs you’re claiming. What exactly is the gun for?
I’m fairly confident this is 90% trolling.
OP here. One is for his job, one handgun, one shotgun, and one AR-15. Our guns are always ready to go. We need to protect ourselves.
A famous quote
“ People rely on the police to keep them safe. That’s the problem”.
With the current state of our world, it’s best we have the means to protect ourselves.
Yeah. You are nuts. I can’t believe you have children.
OP here. Have you ever been in a situation where you needed to protect yourself and cops didn’t come fast enough? Until then, don’t speak on this stuff. There is nothing wrong with having the means to protect yourself. With many police departments partially defunded and crime rates skyrocketing, it’s smart to have firearms for your safety.
Anonymous
12/09/2020 15:22
Subject: Disagreement About Childcare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your husband is full of shit about how important his job is and irrational
Agree. And the firearm excuse is BS too. Plenty of us have firearms and keep them in secure safes made for that purpose (and don't advertise the fact that we have firearms). Or does your super-important James Bond husband just keep his guns lying around next to your kid's play dough?
OP here. My husband has a firearm he carries for work, but the rest are for protection. We keep them in a safe locked away. No one has access to our guns but us.
Four guns in the house for protection??? You’re both insane. What are you gonna do when the intruders come? Ask them to wait a minute while you unlock the safe and put four guns together? Ridiculous. I wouldn’t want to nanny for you, but it would have nothing to do with the guns. It would be because you’re clearly nuts.
Also, your husband doesn’t carry a weapon for work. He works from home managing programs or whatever bs you’re claiming. What exactly is the gun for?
I’m fairly confident this is 90% trolling.
OP here. One is for his job, one handgun, one shotgun, and one AR-15. Our guns are always ready to go. We need to protect ourselves.
A famous quote
“ People rely on the police to keep them safe. That’s the problem”.
With the current state of our world, it’s best we have the means to protect ourselves.
You cannot legally own an AR-15 in DC. Go away.