Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whenever we share a meal with a certain older (but totally able-bodied) relative, he will try to “cut the line” to have someone serve him. If we are serving buffet style, he’ll reach his arm in and say “can you just put some on my plate?” as I’m actively preparing my own plate. Or if we are seated and passing the food, he’ll reach his arm out and ask for something from the other end of the table that is being passed down but not to him yet. “Can I have some shrimp?” I want to scream “it’s coming! Wait your damn turn!” He will be the first to sit down a the table without everything he needs but then ask others to wait on him (can you bring me a fork/napkin/iced tea/whatever.) It’s super annoying as I’m trying to serve myself and my children.

What is the best way to get him to stop this, without sounding bitchy, but also not a doormat?

TIA.

“Yes, I can”

“No, I can’t”

This is what happens when nobody stops this obnoxious behavior for decades. Boys will be boys! Oh, he loves me to serve him, he must love me! Oh, how sweet, he is eager for your cooking. What is the harm in it, just go along!

Do you know my FIL's female friend, not girlfriend, a friend, among a huge fmaily gathering where we had loads of food, served him a special meal since BBQ was not good enough for him? Made him tacos, and assembled them for him! And his dd and sons were all, that's how dad likes it! He didn't even have to ask! Yes, his hands and feet are working perfectly well! And yes, that day was nephew's birthday, so SIL ordered Chinese in addition to Honey Baked Ham and turkey we had, potatoes, and the bbq with salads and other things! I am not even joking. A whole other meal of tacos with all the fixins was separately prepared as that is what FIL wanted to eat!

My fil was like this. The man would never make a single food item for himself. He never made a sandwich for himself. He assumes it's a woman job to get his food and if mil isn't around, he expects another woman to do it.

Anonymous wrote:We always fixed plates for the older relatives. I would ask at the start if he would like me to fix him up a plate while he gets seated.

Is this a southern thing? My mom would make plates for my brother his whole life. Even now if the family is together, he will ask her to fix his plate. My mom and aunts expected me to do the same for my husband. Yeah, no.

I would simply say that I’ll hand him the serving spoon when I’m done.

It amazes me how many people how many people comment and don’t READ for clarity. This isn’t an event she is hosting , they are quarantining with the in-laws, so she is not a hostess.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whenever we share a meal with a certain older (but totally able-bodied) relative, he will try to “cut the line” to have someone serve him. If we are serving buffet style, he’ll reach his arm in and say “can you just put some on my plate?” as I’m actively preparing my own plate. Or if we are seated and passing the food, he’ll reach his arm out and ask for something from the other end of the table that is being passed down but not to him yet. “Can I have some shrimp?” I want to scream “it’s coming! Wait your damn turn!” He will be the first to sit down a the table without everything he needs but then ask others to wait on him (can you bring me a fork/napkin/iced tea/whatever.) It’s super annoying as I’m trying to serve myself and my children.

What is the best way to get him to stop this, without sounding bitchy, but also not a doormat?

TIA.

“Yes, I can”

Lol. Thanks “hostess!”

Anonymous wrote:60 is old. I would have no problem helping him. Why are you always at the front of the buffet line? Perhaps sitting back and not running to the front of a buffet line can end this problem. You say, there's no way food will run out. Sit back, relax, let him ask other people to help and grab you and your kids plates after someone has helped him.

Sixty is not old. My mother retired at 72, she was a power machine operator in a factory. GTFOH, he was an executive and as OP said is still quite meticulous. He knows exactly what he is doing. Stop serving him or let his wife do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are in a bubble with my inlaws. It’s FIL. He’s mid 60’s and perfectly capable of serving himself and waiting his turn. He also has a wife capable of waiting on him if that’s their thing.

I just need a response to make him stop asking me. I don’t care if he asks someone else.

Technically if he is an elder guest then you should be serving him and his wife first. I don't understand why you don't know that but you should have learned this when you were a kid. So actually you're the one being rude, not him, if you're serving other people before him and his wife.

Lol. “The hostess” has spoken. It’s not the 1950’s anymore. Keep up.

If you think that being polite and having manners have gone out the window then I feel very sorry for you. I can't imagine how horrible it must be to be you. Yuck.

How about good manners is not assuming a woman is a servant, and singling her out as such. How about good manners is asking for help with grace and an eye to what a busy person is already doing for others, and being patient and flexible?

How about that?

NP

If the woman is the hostess of the event, then it is her role to serve or to supervise service. If it is a man who is the host of the event, then it is his role to serve or to supervise service. In this case, OP has identified a gender as female. Her responsibilities as hostess don't disappear because she is female. I'm sorry you're stuck in a stereotype loop but the circumstances of host/hostess responsibilities take precedence over your own biases.

Lol. You aren’t the decider of what defines a responsibility versus a bias oh narcissistic one. How often is the man the identified “host?” Really? Most times, never. Calling a woman a “hostess,” particularly if her male partner never takes a turn as “host,” is the very definition of creating a label to excuse gender based inequality. However, I’m fully aware saying this to you is like talking to a doorknob. Luckily, your way of viewing the world is quickly disappearing for the new generations of females. Hooray for that!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are in a bubble with my inlaws. It’s FIL. He’s mid 60’s and perfectly capable of serving himself and waiting his turn. He also has a wife capable of waiting on him if that’s their thing.

I just need a response to make him stop asking me. I don’t care if he asks someone else.

My FIL has a touch of this. My main tactic would be to immediately turn to my DH and say "DH, your father would like X" and then I'd move along while doing nothing.

If I was cornered and DH wasn't around I'd do the following:

During the buffet line I'd just say "Once I'm done with the kids plates". Or during the table passing I'd say "shrimp is on it's way" and ignore the out stretched plate.

Anonymous wrote:Whenever we share a meal with a certain older (but totally able-bodied) relative, he will try to “cut the line” to have someone serve him. If we are serving buffet style, he’ll reach his arm in and say “can you just put some on my plate?” as I’m actively preparing my own plate. Or if we are seated and passing the food, he’ll reach his arm out and ask for something from the other end of the table that is being passed down but not to him yet. “Can I have some shrimp?” I want to scream “it’s coming! Wait your damn turn!” He will be the first to sit down a the table without everything he needs but then ask others to wait on him (can you bring me a fork/napkin/iced tea/whatever.) It’s super annoying as I’m trying to serve myself and my children.

What is the best way to get him to stop this, without sounding bitchy, but also not a doormat?

TIA.

“Yes, I can”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are in a bubble with my inlaws. It’s FIL. He’s mid 60’s and perfectly capable of serving himself and waiting his turn. He also has a wife capable of waiting on him if that’s their thing.

I just need a response to make him stop asking me. I don’t care if he asks someone else.

Technically if he is an elder guest then you should be serving him and his wife first. I don't understand why you don't know that but you should have learned this when you were a kid. So actually you're the one being rude, not him, if you're serving other people before him and his wife.

Lol. “The hostess” has spoken. It’s not the 1950’s anymore. Keep up.

If you think that being polite and having manners have gone out the window then I feel very sorry for you. I can't imagine how horrible it must be to be you. Yuck.

How about good manners is not assuming a woman is a servant, and singling her out as such. How about good manners is asking for help with grace and an eye to what a busy person is already doing for others, and being patient and flexible?

How about that?

NP

If the woman is the hostess of the event, then it is her role to serve or to supervise service. If it is a man who is the host of the event, then it is his role to serve or to supervise service. In this case, OP has identified a gender as female. Her responsibilities as hostess don't disappear because she is female. I'm sorry you're stuck in a stereotype loop but the circumstances of host/hostess responsibilities take precedence over your own biases.

If she and her husband are *co-hosting* an event, especially an informal buffet, guests can politely ask BOTH their hosts for assistance. If needed, they can wait a few precious moments for that assistance. No need to ask Susan to serve you in her hands are full and YOUR SON is also hosting you. Do you get it? People with penisis can host, too! The More You Know...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are in a bubble with my inlaws. It’s FIL. He’s mid 60’s and perfectly capable of serving himself and waiting his turn. He also has a wife capable of waiting on him if that’s their thing.

I just need a response to make him stop asking me. I don’t care if he asks someone else.

Technically if he is an elder guest then you should be serving him and his wife first. I don't understand why you don't know that but you should have learned this when you were a kid. So actually you're the one being rude, not him, if you're serving other people before him and his wife.

Lol. “The hostess” has spoken. It’s not the 1950’s anymore. Keep up.

If you think that being polite and having manners have gone out the window then I feel very sorry for you. I can't imagine how horrible it must be to be you. Yuck.

How about good manners is not assuming a woman is a servant, and singling her out as such. How about good manners is asking for help with grace and an eye to what a busy person is already doing for others, and being patient and flexible?

How about that?

NP

If the woman is the hostess of the event, then it is her role to serve or to supervise service. If it is a man who is the host of the event, then it is his role to serve or to supervise service. In this case, OP has identified a gender as female. Her responsibilities as hostess don't disappear because she is female. I'm sorry you're stuck in a stereotype loop but the circumstances of host/hostess responsibilities take precedence over your own biases.

Welcome to 2020. We don’t do the 1950s stuff anymore.

I specifically remember my mom asking only my sister and I to clear the table, when my brother was allowed to keep sitting and talking. I vowed to set a much better example for my daughters.

I don’t treat male guests like kings and expect help
From women. Either DH and I formally host everyone and do all the work, or we informally host and you are free to go through the buffet and pour yourself a drink.

If a woman offers to help, we only accept if men are helping too. There is no men watch football while women work in our house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are in a bubble with my inlaws. It’s FIL. He’s mid 60’s and perfectly capable of serving himself and waiting his turn. He also has a wife capable of waiting on him if that’s their thing.

I just need a response to make him stop asking me. I don’t care if he asks someone else.

Technically if he is an elder guest then you should be serving him and his wife first. I don't understand why you don't know that but you should have learned this when you were a kid. So actually you're the one being rude, not him, if you're serving other people before him and his wife.

Lol. “The hostess” has spoken. It’s not the 1950’s anymore. Keep up.

If you think that being polite and having manners have gone out the window then I feel very sorry for you. I can't imagine how horrible it must be to be you. Yuck.

How about good manners is not assuming a woman is a servant, and singling her out as such. How about good manners is asking for help with grace and an eye to what a busy person is already doing for others, and being patient and flexible?

How about that?

NP

+1000

Women excusing sexist men under the pretense of “manners” are revolting.