Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 16:59     Subject: Is it rude to speak a second language with children
Anonymous wrote:Why does DH not speak your language?! He needs to step up.


+1.

My husband speaks Hebrew to our children; I speak English to them. My Hebrew isn't great, but it's important to us that our children grow up in a bi-lingual home, so I'm learning Hebrew right along with them.
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 16:38     Subject: Re:Is it rude to speak a second language with children
Anonymous wrote:I only speak my mother tongue to my children, regardless who is around and whether they understand. I then translate the gist of what was discussed to those who do not speak my language. This method is called OPOL and helps learn and retain the minority language. My kids 8 and 6 and are fully bilingual.


This!! My kids are a little younger and I work hard on only talking to them in my native language and not skip into English. Which I do sometimes. Dh speaks a little and encourages me to not speak to the kids in English. My inlaws don't understand any so I translate and the oldest is now perfectly capable of translating herself to her grandparents. It was challenging for them until she was about 4 and her English wasn't as good. It's worth it!!
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 16:35     Subject: Is it rude to speak a second language with children
I've traveled around the world and find Americans to be the most easily offended at people speaking another language around them, even when they're not part of their party!
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 16:31     Subject: Is it rude to speak a second language with children
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why does DH not speak your language?! He needs to step up.


Presumably, OP's Dh is still living in the same country/culture he grew up in. OP is the one who chose to move to a different location/culture and have a child with a man from a different culture IN HIS location/culture. The onus is on her to assimilate.


Oh eff off with this assimilation bs. She's assimilated. The issue is teaching their kids her native language and keeping it up.

Any bi-lingual household understand the issue. It's a challenge to keep the second language alive.
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 16:22     Subject: Re:Is it rude to speak a second language with children
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yes. Right or wrong; common or uncommon; right or wrong - according to etiquette it’s rude to speak a second language (or whisper) in the company of people who don’t understand the language.

It’s not hard to switch to English. My kids learned both easily and knew when to speak French and when to speak English.


But Op's kid is REFUSING speaking her language to her. Her only option is to change her behavior and parenting, if she wants different results. It sounds like she tried it your way and it is failing. Good for you that it worked for YOUR kids, but it isn't working for OP's.



Sometimes this doesn't work. Sometimes the child chooses what language they want to speak in exclusively. I was a nanny for years for a Russian family, their daughter refused to speak to them in Russian.
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 15:41     Subject: Is it rude to speak a second language with children
OP here - thank you for all the responses. I can see that is a dividing issue. To clarify: my children are very young and their pediatrician recommended exclusively speaking to them in one language as the minority language parent. My DH is not bothered at all by it; it is more a manners issue for me. My parents raised me in a minority language, but always insisted you try to use whatever the community language is (if you can) as a matter of etiquette. Perhaps some of it may be self-consciousness because I feel awkward speaking a different language on the playground, at the grocery store, in line, etc. In doing more research it seems that consistently speaking one language is more critical than I thought, and unfortunately my children have gotten accustomed to responding in English because I’ve rarely spoken the native language in public. Thank you for all the advice!
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 15:40     Subject: Is it rude to speak a second language with children
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Look, you're going to do what you want to do.
Yes, if you will offend some people. if passing on your "culture" is more important to you than not offending people, that's your prerogative. But don't pretend like other people are "wrong" for being offended.

I'm completely baffled by this thread. So, let say, I'm at a playground with my child and we speak our non-English native language to each other, while doing our own thing, not as part of a group. And another mom at that playground with her child finds it OFFENSIVE that she cannot understand our conversation that doesn't include her? Why?! If the kids would be playing together and I would be addressing the group or if I was talking to the mom or other child, I would switch to English, of course.

As for foreign accents being annoying... no comment.


PP you quoted here.

I'm not thinking of cases where you are in public doing your own thing. I'm thinking of:

I invite you and your child over for dinner. While we are sitting together you ask your child "Did you wash your hands for dinner?" in your language, and then your child responds in your language. Then you respond to your child (again in your language) and a back and forth conversation occurs. That is rude.


No, it's not rude.
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 15:27     Subject: Is it rude to speak a second language with children
I have Russian friends. They switch to Russian when arguing with their child. I imagine the conversations are something along the lines of “I told you we had to leave at 3, don’t make a scene about staying longer! And be sure to thank them for having you over!”
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 15:20     Subject: Re:Is it rude to speak a second language with children
I only speak my mother tongue to my children, regardless who is around and whether they understand. I then translate the gist of what was discussed to those who do not speak my language. This method is called OPOL and helps learn and retain the minority language. My kids 8 and 6 and are fully bilingual.
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 15:17     Subject: Is it rude to speak a second language with children
Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is completely rude to talk in another language in front of others who don't speak it, whether or not you're talking to your kids.


x2
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 11:03     Subject: Is it rude to speak a second language with children
Anonymous wrote:I speak to my kid and have friends talk to their kids in their language all the time. Usually the context is clear to rest of the people and even if it wasn't i would not be offended because I am sure my friend is not teaming up with her kid and plotting against me. Its just harmless parenting conversations.

Also, lot of entitled people here are forgetting that English is not everyone s first language. Sometimes its easier to people to switch to their native tongue to get a point across. Usually when I talk to my kid in our language its either repeating something that she is not listening to or I just do a quick translation in English right after or something like that.

To the OP and other people getting offended, its hard to teach kids another language and culture that seems alien here. But the moment my kid enters the room, you can tell that they look different. So, you bet I will do whatever I need to and wherever I need to for them to be comfortable who they are and to know & understand their culture. If you or your snowflakes want to get offended then you are the one with a problem.


Another strong this this this. It is an uphill battle and you have to fight for every word. Don't get discouraged. Keep at it. If you slip, the kids will forget the language. I have seen this with too many cousins. Keep at it and they will thank you for it. My parents annoyed me SO SO much when they insisted on speaking their language. I have been thankful for their insistence since my early 20s. Now as a parent, I see the work they put into it an appreciate it even more.
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 10:57     Subject: Is it rude to speak a second language with children
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Look, you're going to do what you want to do.
Yes, if you will offend some people. if passing on your "culture" is more important to you than not offending people, that's your prerogative. But don't pretend like other people are "wrong" for being offended.


“culture” in quotation marks?


Yes.


Not the OP but a mom raising bilingual kids. If by culture you mean the words that only exist in my language that convey a specific emotion or action than yes, it is worth offending the sort of people who would take offense at this. It is not just culture, I don't think, language is also a different way of experiencing the life around you. I can live and express my days in 3 different languages, and I will not take this away from my kids.
But back to OPs Q. Not rude at all when your kids are young. I find it rude if everyone's past language learning age and you are in a social group and start talking in a language not everyone can understand. Of course emergencies between spouses like "oh no! the car's being towed!" don't count.
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 10:44     Subject: Is it rude to speak a second language with children
Anonymous wrote:Op if you want your kid to respond to you in your language you should go back to only speaking to them in your language.

When other people are around, speak to THEM in english, not your kid. you can translate and repeat yourself in english to the people if you need to.

When you look in your child's eyes connect that with your language.

If your kids are picking up that you are uncomfortable speaking your language in front of others if will be interpreted to them that english is of higher social value, and your kids will just want to speak English. This is a sociological thing that happens with so many languages based on social value. Kids pick up on social value of languages.

There is a lot of information on raising bilingual kids out there that you can find.
What worked for ideas treating it as a manners thing. We taught our kids it was wrong to reply in a different language. If you are addressed in a language, you should reply in that language.

I would be strict with your kids and silly even. Dramatically and hilariously misunderstand them when they speak to you in english. Be annoying about it. Require the language. raising them bilingually is a gift that is worth the work to undo this dynamic.

My dh understands the language I spoke to our kids, but he hilariously would pretend he did not. I would say "put on your shoes" and he would say,I don't know what your mom said but you should put on your shoes first!" They found this hilatious. He still does it. It is like a dad joke, they are teens now and have finally caught on that he is mistranslating on purpose. It is an ongoing family joke.

Obviously you should not misunderstand when other people speak English to you, but when your kids say like "can I have more dessert?" In english you could say, "oh I am so happy you want more carrots!" In your language and then they can correct your misunderstanding in your language to clarify what they meant. Also another popular thing people do is to move very slowly if your kids ask you in english, but very fast when they use your language.

These things are only necessary to get your kids to make a new habit. You will not have to keep it up forever. You can do this.

Especially right now with shelter in place, it is the time to make this change.


This, this, this!
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 10:37     Subject: Is it rude to speak a second language with children
I speak to my kid and have friends talk to their kids in their language all the time. Usually the context is clear to rest of the people and even if it wasn't i would not be offended because I am sure my friend is not teaming up with her kid and plotting against me. Its just harmless parenting conversations.

Also, lot of entitled people here are forgetting that English is not everyone s first language. Sometimes its easier to people to switch to their native tongue to get a point across. Usually when I talk to my kid in our language its either repeating something that she is not listening to or I just do a quick translation in English right after or something like that.

To the OP and other people getting offended, its hard to teach kids another language and culture that seems alien here. But the moment my kid enters the room, you can tell that they look different. So, you bet I will do whatever I need to and wherever I need to for them to be comfortable who they are and to know & understand their culture. If you or your snowflakes want to get offended then you are the one with a problem.
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 10:29     Subject: Is it rude to speak a second language with children
Anonymous wrote:Look I get that you don't have experience with this. It is a normal stage for kids to push back and try to speak the community language to their parent or parents. First, kids try it out. Then they refuse. Then they get to a point where they cannot speak the language and only understand it.

I do have friends both doing OPOL and doing minority language at home who rmanaged to reverse course and got their kid speaking again, but most people are not able to reverse it. It us common to reverse it by going to their home country and staying with family members who don't speak English and who support your kids speaking the language and stating for a couple of months, particularly if your kids have cousins their age to be with.

I know more people, including family members,who were not able to get their kid fluent for expression. The kids will have to work at it as older teens or adults. It will have to be their choice when older.
The parents have huge regrets.


I agree with this. My DH went through that phase as a child and lost his French. If you want your child to retain the language, you don't give them the choice when they're young. OP, with young kids it is totally fine and understandable IMO. What I wouldn't do is have full extended conversations in the other language to the exclusion of other people. Questions and answers, quick exchanges on the playground, etc. But if you're doing a playdate and talking for an extended period of time and the other children and adults just have to tune out, then yes that's a bit rude. I do this with Spanish and my SIL does this with German - we switch to English when it would otherwise be a conversation that everyone would be participating in.