Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t think people realize the construct of rank across organizations is really messy, especially in the non-profit world. The more “junior” person could have substantial expertise or local credibility that is important to her organization. The sister organization coming in and pulling rank is analogous to HQ dictating to local markets in a more traditional organization


So what? Every time someone has attitude at work, you're going to have a facilitated call and questionnarie? That sounds insufferable.


Let's be clear here. It was OP who had the attitude at work. And, apparently if you want to work in her industry, it is what you have to do.

I assumed it was here. What are you clarfiying? Or should we wait for a healing circle to get that straight?

This is OP. I didn't have an attitude, but I did pull rank. The successful implementation of the program is ultimately my responsibility. She was not in the right sending an email to people that I manage directing them to change client services based on solely on her opinions alone. Rather than owning her own arrogance and mistake, she is making this about me. And obviously having some success as we all bend over backwards to be sensitive to people's feelings. I bet men never have to deal with this.

Wow- look at all of the drama your putting her in her place has caused.

You could have just responded to the email in a positive and partnering way. If you had said something like”These are great ideas, let’s schedule some time to discuss between us. We will want to be sure everyone is on board before we take action.” Then you might have learned why she was acting with such a sense of urgency. Perhaps there are local stakeholders with a lot of passion about a few things. Or perhaps she didn’t realize what your work processes are. Since she “supports you on the ground” it is completely possible she has perspective you lack.

And the weird focus on position and power here makes me realize why younger people are so annoyed. Don’t you have the same goal- to support your project? I thought women were better than this. It is a p*ssing contest for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t think people realize the construct of rank across organizations is really messy, especially in the non-profit world. The more “junior” person could have substantial expertise or local credibility that is important to her organization. The sister organization coming in and pulling rank is analogous to HQ dictating to local markets in a more traditional organization


So what? Every time someone has attitude at work, you're going to have a facilitated call and questionnarie? That sounds insufferable.


Let's be clear here. It was OP who had the attitude at work. And, apparently if you want to work in her industry, it is what you have to do.

I assumed it was here. What are you clarfiying? Or should we wait for a healing circle to get that straight?

This is OP. I didn't have an attitude, but I did pull rank. The successful implementation of the program is ultimately my responsibility. She was not in the right sending an email to people that I manage directing them to change client services based on solely on her opinions alone. Rather than owning her own arrogance and mistake, she is making this about me. And obviously having some success as we all bend over backwards to be sensitive to people's feelings. I bet men never have to deal with this.

I'm a 57 year old white woman who has held several supervisory roles in prior DOJ administrations, and am now in private industry. Apologizing once is good, self-flagellation is unnecessary. You'll never see men doing that. So I don't intend to either.


Nobody is suggesting self-flagellation, pp.

But the op and a bunch of posters seem to think digging in is better than apologizing or simply acknowledging the complaint and then redirecting/moving on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be unable to work for an organization that treats me like a child...and uses nonsense words. Quit!

I agree. This is like kindergarten. What adult actually operates this way?

Non-for-profits do. Some tech startups also do this

Anonymous wrote:This does sound totally crazy but there is the chance that the OP is actually somehow making the other person feel small or fearful, etc.

I only say this because I had a senior-to-me coworker once who was essentially abusive but completely unaware. I figured it out when we were eventually in the same leadership training and she was totally bewildered when it came to the emotional IQ exercises, asking "who has time for this?" The truth is that how other people feel about their work and their colleagues matters and impacts business, and leaders need empathy to be effective.

I'm not saying this is the case, OP. You might be awesome and this other person might be a little terrorist. I've seen that too. But on the off chance that you could be doing or saying harmful things without realizing it, you may want to go through with it. If you're certain that you've been a good/supportive colleague, then I agree, you should also say you feel attacked.

Or, lawyer up, as the PP suggested.

Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:

Instead, be humble, kind, mildly apologetic and stay calm and positive.

When she says she didn’t feel heard, you say, “Gosh Jane, I’m so sorry. I truly didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Emails sometimes carry a tone that wasn’t intended. Please believe I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I enjoy working with you and your org, and I think we’re making great progress together on the project. Again, apologies. Shall we talk about the next steps with the project?”


If this is what you consider "mildly apologetic," I don't know what you consider "apologetic." The first three sentences are fine. Then stop.


I’m curious how old some of you responders are who are digging in...and where you are in your career...and your gender, race and industry.

I’m mid-career, executive level at an international nonprofit. White lady. I’ve fallen on my sword and taken the heat for others, and I can report that accepting responsibility or acknowledging others and then quickly redirecting the conversation to business (and away from feelings or personal attacks) is the way to go. In fact, I’ve seen several staff reprimanded or pushed out for the behavior being suggested here.

Maybe it worked for white men years ago, but pulling rank and getting defensive instead of acknowledging the current issue (whether real or imagined) won’t work. You’ll lose...especially if you are a white women.

I'm a 57 year old white woman who has held several supervisory roles in prior DOJ administrations, and am now in private industry. Apologizing once is good, self-flagellation is unnecessary. You'll never see men doing that. So I don't intend to either.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Update -

I just spoke with my boss again who said I should call the facilitator and find out what is really going on here; let her know I am not understanding the healing circle process and how we arrived at this point from a pair of email message. I can share what we were expecting from a facilitated call and ask her if it is possible to proceed in that manner.

So that's what I am doing.

Seems logical. I would be for keeping it as straightforward as possible.

Instead, be humble, kind, mildly apologetic and stay calm and positive.

When she says she didn’t feel heard, you say, “Gosh Jane, I’m so sorry. I truly didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Emails sometimes carry a tone that wasn’t intended. Please believe I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I enjoy working with you and your org, and I think we’re making great progress together on the project. Again, apologies. Shall we talk about the next steps with the project?”


If this is what you consider "mildly apologetic," I don't know what you consider "apologetic." The first three sentences are fine. Then stop.


I’m curious how old some of you responders are who are digging in...and where you are in your career...and your gender, race and industry.

I’m mid-career, executive level at an international nonprofit. White lady. I’ve fallen on my sword and taken the heat for others, and I can report that accepting responsibility or acknowledging others and then quickly redirecting the conversation to business (and away from feelings or personal attacks) is the way to go. In fact, I’ve seen several staff reprimanded or pushed out for the behavior being suggested here.

Maybe it worked for white men years ago, but pulling rank and getting defensive instead of acknowledging the current issue (whether real or imagined) won’t work. You’ll lose...especially if you are a white women.

Anonymous wrote:OP Update -

I just spoke with my boss again who said I should call the facilitator and find out what is really going on here; let her know I am not understanding the healing circle process and how we arrived at this point from a pair of email message. I can share what we were expecting from a facilitated call and ask her if it is possible to proceed in that manner.

So that's what I am doing.

Anonymous wrote:OP Update -

I just spoke with my boss again who said I should call the facilitator and find out what is really going on here; let her know I am not understanding the healing circle process and how we arrived at this point from a pair of email message. I can share what we were expecting from a facilitated call and ask her if it is possible to proceed in that manner.

So that's what I am doing.

Anonymous wrote:

Instead, be humble, kind, mildly apologetic and stay calm and positive.

When she says she didn’t feel heard, you say, “Gosh Jane, I’m so sorry. I truly didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Emails sometimes carry a tone that wasn’t intended. Please believe I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I enjoy working with you and your org, and I think we’re making great progress together on the project. Again, apologies. Shall we talk about the next steps with the project?”

If this is what you consider "mildly apologetic," I don't know what you consider "apologetic." The first three sentences are fine. Then stop.