Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 13:11     Subject: Re:I am done - literally don’t care anymore
Does your spouse really have to work all those hours? I doubt it.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 13:09     Subject: Re:I am done - literally don’t care anymore
(OP) I'm sorry things are so rough. I wish I could help. Your kids can watch tv all day- its fine. This is all about risk management. Its okay to hire a preteen to come over and play in the backyard with your kids- extremely low risk and you desperately need the help. Then take a nap with a baby. I remember the days of having kids that little- its so exhausting. and then trying to do it all by yourself and keeping everyone in the house? a recipe for insanity. I think schedule is a good idea- but you need help. help could be in the form of an actual nanny, or just a young teen. The great thing about young teens is that they will get down and play with kids. If someone else plays hard with your 3 and 5 year old all morning, then you can maybe nap with baby- or wash bottles, or do laundry- whatever. Then with more physical activity, your 3 year old might nap in the afternoon- and you can let your 5 year old watch tv.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 13:07     Subject: Re:I am done - literally don’t care anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don’t have any more babies. Every additional kid is making it harder for you. Make sure your birth control is effective. Go outside. Leave the baby with him sometimes. He can watch a baby sleep just as much as you can. Your baby doesn’t need to be fed in the middle of the night at his/her age. Stop those feedings now.


Op here - the baby is not even 10 weeks old. I think babies tend to wake up and feed at that age.


I'm so sorry OP! It sounds like an absolute nightmare! Have you tried cosleeping? I did with my 3rd and it was life changing. She could nurse whenever she wanted and I slept through most of it. I know it's super hard now but the saying that the days are long, but the years are short is really so true. Don't be hard on yourself!
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 12:51     Subject: I am done - literally don’t care anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I honestly don’t get how lawyers can get away with working 100 hours a week when there is no court in session.

I wonder if your dh is avoiding childcare by making it seem like he has 100 hours a week of work. If he were in the office he would have commuting time and chatting at the water cooler time. There are less people committing crimes right now, no court in session. What the heck is he doing?

He needs to help you. Even if he comes down for 30 minutes at lunch time to take over the kids so you can take a walk. If he can’t do that then there’s something wrong.


Op here - he is not doing criminal law. He does government litigation therefore is extremely busy. Protests on top of protests for government contracts. I don’t doubt he is actually busy. He is constantly writing and on calls and doing briefs and depositions. It is exhausting for him. I get it. But what I am doing is equally exhausting. It’s not the pain Olympics. It sucks for everybody. I just don’t get any sleep since I am breastfeeding a baby along with it.


OP, the courts are closed. I get not wanting to backlog everything, but what's the rush in doing a virtual deposition when there won't be a trial any time soon? If you're doing depositions it seems like you'd be more likely to have to try the issue rather than have a judge rule on the papers.


The Federal Courts are not closed, courts have not halted deadlines, courts continue to issue rulings on motions and are holding virtual hearings (and in-person for criminal matters). My guess is OP’s DH is a mid to senior level associate who can either shine during this time and make partner or not. Lawyers in many fields are slammed and dealing with remote issues that make their days longer (having to do their own scanning/copying /editing). It’s unfortunate that there are 3 small children at home for OP to handle but her DH could not have predicted a pandemic. OP is the primary caregiver and just as her DH’s workload has increased during this pandemic so has hers. TV and Cheetos are fine.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 12:31     Subject: Re:I am done - literally don’t care anymore
Have you considered hiring a kid home from college who's family is self-isolating? Or a nanny who lives alone?
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 12:11     Subject: Re:I am done - literally don’t care anymore
For all the PPs asking how her DH could be so busy when courts are closed, the courts are closed to the public but deadlines are still in effect and hearings are still proceeding via phone. I have a court hearing tomorrow morning by phone, not to mention that clients still need advice or assistance. My firm has been insanely busy as well.

All of that said, OP you need to sit down with him, talk to him about what’s going on, and discuss his schedule for the week. Just like he schedules calls and depositions, he can block off an hour here and there to give you a break during the day and at least half a day on Saturday and Sunday. And he needs to learn to say no or “not right now.” I get that he’s trying to make himself indispensable in the face of uncertainty as firms slash salaries and furlough attorneys and staff, but his priority needs to be his family. Hopefully this was just a really rough two weeks for him but that’s why you need to discuss this to find out what else is on his plate and figure out a way to address this.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 11:39     Subject: I am done - literally don’t care anymore
Anonymous wrote:Tv all day. They will be fine.


I agree. I can't believe you have made it this long without resorting to this

Oh, and crackers, cheese, and cut up fruit for dinner every night.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 11:37     Subject: Re:I am done - literally don’t care anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So sorry OP. No judgment here. Do what you need to to get through the day.

And have a discussion with your DH. He needs to find a way to help, even if that means he wakes up super early to work or works long after the kids are in bed. Being a lawyer and having a big case load is no excuse. He needs to mange his time better so that he can help with the kids and give you a break.

-a lawyer with a huge case load with two small kids


Op here - I think the last two weeks were just especially difficult. He was already waking up early (4:30-5am) and going to bed late (10-11pm). He had an oral argument, a deposition, a webinar and his regular work all in the span of like 10 days. I am hoping it slows down sometime soon but it seems that he is taking on more and more but others in his group aren’t/can’t. Probably because I do everything.


Then he needs to stop being the hero at your expense. My husband and I are both trying to be realistic about juggling our work and telling people no when we need to. We haven't had our nanny in two weeks and we have two kids at home. It's not easy but sometimes you just have to say you can't do something. These are extraordinary circumstances. He needs to be prioritizing you and not his work.


Op here - yes I could see why they have high suicide rates.

This!

You aren't even getting any of the credit for all of the work you are doing. This is why doctors wives have incredibly high suicide rates, BTW.



This is really, really hard. Life is going to get a LOT better in the next few years, even if nothing changes with your husband.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 11:25     Subject: Re:I am done - literally don’t care anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So sorry OP. No judgment here. Do what you need to to get through the day.

And have a discussion with your DH. He needs to find a way to help, even if that means he wakes up super early to work or works long after the kids are in bed. Being a lawyer and having a big case load is no excuse. He needs to mange his time better so that he can help with the kids and give you a break.

-a lawyer with a huge case load with two small kids


Op here - I think the last two weeks were just especially difficult. He was already waking up early (4:30-5am) and going to bed late (10-11pm). He had an oral argument, a deposition, a webinar and his regular work all in the span of like 10 days. I am hoping it slows down sometime soon but it seems that he is taking on more and more but others in his group aren’t/can’t. Probably because I do everything.


Then he needs to stop being the hero at your expense. My husband and I are both trying to be realistic about juggling our work and telling people no when we need to. We haven't had our nanny in two weeks and we have two kids at home. It's not easy but sometimes you just have to say you can't do something. These are extraordinary circumstances. He needs to be prioritizing you and not his work.


Op here - yes I could see why they have high suicide rates.

This!

You aren't even getting any of the credit for all of the work you are doing. This is why doctors wives have incredibly high suicide rates, BTW.

Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 10:56     Subject: Re:I am done - literally don’t care anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So sorry OP. No judgment here. Do what you need to to get through the day.

And have a discussion with your DH. He needs to find a way to help, even if that means he wakes up super early to work or works long after the kids are in bed. Being a lawyer and having a big case load is no excuse. He needs to mange his time better so that he can help with the kids and give you a break.

-a lawyer with a huge case load with two small kids


Op here - I think the last two weeks were just especially difficult. He was already waking up early (4:30-5am) and going to bed late (10-11pm). He had an oral argument, a deposition, a webinar and his regular work all in the span of like 10 days. I am hoping it slows down sometime soon but it seems that he is taking on more and more but others in his group aren’t/can’t. Probably because I do everything.


Then he needs to stop being the hero at your expense. My husband and I are both trying to be realistic about juggling our work and telling people no when we need to. We haven't had our nanny in two weeks and we have two kids at home. It's not easy but sometimes you just have to say you can't do something. These are extraordinary circumstances. He needs to be prioritizing you and not his work.


This!

You aren't even getting any of the credit for all of the work you are doing. This is why doctors wives have incredibly high suicide rates, BTW.

Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 10:46     Subject: I am done - literally don’t care anymore
Sending you some love OP! That sounds hard. Newborns are hard even in the best circumstances.

Your kids will be fine with junk food and tv. In the span of their whole lives this will be a blip on the radar.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 10:41     Subject: I am done - literally don’t care anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Also, what’s going to happen when you go back to maternity leave? You’re going to take care of baby and your older kids AND work? That’s not sustainable. At all. You need to start planning now.

I’m sorry op, you sound depressed and stressed and exhausted. I wish I could help you.


Op here - this is what I am dreading. I have 6 more weeks of maternity leave and then I am not sure what is going to happen. I guess I will have a kid on my boob, working and trying to make sure the older two don’t die? That was my plan. I haven’t even really thought about it.


No! This is not a good plan! How can your husband think this is okay??

You need to outsource help. If he’s a lawyer in a private firm and you’re working full time, your income must be high, yes? Hire a live-in nanny if you have to. You will not be able to do this without help. Please reach out to your dh and talk and figure this out NOw
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 10:27     Subject: I am done - literally don’t care anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I vote on sleep training. Taking cara babies has a course for a 12 week old. A 10 week old should only be waking once a night. More than that and the issue is that they don’t know how to settle themselves. Maybe my babies were unicorns but with respectful sleep training (there wasn’t crying nonstop) they all sttn by 12 weeks 7-7. I did do a midnight dream feed before I went to bed because I was breastfeeding and would get too full. They didn’t wake up really during it and just went back down.


Op here - my first two were sleeping through the night at 12 weeks as well. But they were girls. Maybe that is why? This baby (a boy) is growing so fast and seems to need to eat more. I am breastfeeding so perhaps I need to just do bottles during the day so I know how much he is eating? He is not even 10 weeks old and is 14lbs and 26” long and is getting into 6 month clothes.


Idk. I had a big boy and he was the easiest. He ate so well during the day that he slept well. I only breastfed too.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 10:26     Subject: Re:I am done - literally don’t care anymore
Just to say please ignore the mean spirited posts here OP. The advice to get a nanny to come in at least some days is really solid and I hope you can do that.. Being exhausted makes everything so much harder and you need some help. Most people would have some kind of help - from family, nanny, or school or DH etc. You are not poorly equipped to be a mother or anything like that. Don’t worry about your kids being muddy! If you need some days where they eat snacks and watch tv so be it- it won’t do them any harm. Next week get them running around outside as much as possible. Is there a little patch of the garden they can ruin and dig holes in? This kept my niece and nephew (similar ages) busy for hours on end. Yes they were covered in mud but thoroughly happy and exhausted by end of afternoon.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 10:26     Subject: I am done - literally don’t care anymore
Anonymous wrote:I vote on sleep training. Taking cara babies has a course for a 12 week old. A 10 week old should only be waking once a night. More than that and the issue is that they don’t know how to settle themselves. Maybe my babies were unicorns but with respectful sleep training (there wasn’t crying nonstop) they all sttn by 12 weeks 7-7. I did do a midnight dream feed before I went to bed because I was breastfeeding and would get too full. They didn’t wake up really during it and just went back down.


That is just not true at all. A 10 week old is still considered a newborn. Newborns eat anywhere from every 2-4 hours.