Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a guy who cheated on his wife. I got away with it but eventually confessed. My wife was devastated. The deed was bad. Seeing the pain I caused to the one person who completely trusted me was almost too much to bear. The good news is that we worked through it and are still married. It can be done but not without a pain and forgiveness. If the cheater is not remorseful, that is a big red flag.

Your a bigger jerk for confessing and putting your poor wife through turmoil just to cleanse your own guilt.

no. you did the right thing. This is the only way to have total honesty in your marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give yourself some time. You don't need to be his secret keeper. Definitely make sure you confide in at least one friend. However, if you plan to try to reconcile you might not want to share this with the world. I think there is a lot of stigma around taking someone back after they've cheated. I really wanted to try with my ex, but she ended up leaving me for the AP. 5 years out it's still really hard on our kid (50/50 non-contentious coparenting). Even though we didn't reconcile, I'm glad I only walked away after giving it my all. I wouldn't tell my kid that's what happened, but I will always know that I tried to do right by her. 5 years later, my life is so much better than it was when I was married. Know that even if you don't want a divorce, you can still thrive.

Just know that when your kids get older they’ll figure out what was what.

This is true but as another person who lost their XW to her AP (and later married), yes, eventually the kids will find out and yes, the cheating spouse will probably come clean to them. But the more I think about it and the more I see XW and how she twists facts around, I wouldn't be surprised if she told our kids that I was somewhat at fault or at least shared in the blame. I always thought it was my XW's cross to bare and her responsibility to tell the kids at some point but now - I'm not so sure. Oldest is getting to those teenage years where she'll start asking questions and I want to be sure that the story is correct.

Anyway, back to OP, yes, blindsided. My XW was the type of person who would be disgusted by watching movies where there was a guy who cheated on his girl. lol

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I’m stuck in my damn house and want to throw all of his sh@t out the window.

Go to survivinginfidelety.com you will get lots of good support there.

Thanks

Chumplady.com is better

+100. Definitely visit this site.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the woman that found out Friday... read this

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

NP. 33 lengthy rules/homework/changes to make because someone else cheated? No thanks. This is part of the problem- the cheater's life goes on, the person cheated on has a totally changed life and is now supposed to also follow these rules, not show emotion, etc? Not cool.

I know, right?

Kick him out of the house. That will give him time to think.

Actions have consequences. You don’t get to cheat and have life as usual.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the woman that found out Friday... read this

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

NP. 33 lengthy rules/homework/changes to make because someone else cheated? No thanks. This is part of the problem- the cheater's life goes on, the person cheated on has a totally changed life and is now supposed to also follow these rules, not show emotion, etc? Not cool.

Yep. Which is why it becomes a cycle and the cheater will eventually cheat again in the future.

They got away with it with those rules.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the woman that found out Friday... read this

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

NP. 33 lengthy rules/homework/changes to make because someone else cheated? No thanks. This is part of the problem- the cheater's life goes on, the person cheated on has a totally changed life and is now supposed to also follow these rules, not show emotion, etc? Not cool.

Says the cheater. Yes, there is 1 way to act when you have a loving honest partner and another way to act when you are being emotionally abused by a cheater.

It’s best to just dump the cheater as hard as that is.

Anonymous wrote:Give yourself some time. You don't need to be his secret keeper. Definitely make sure you confide in at least one friend. However, if you plan to try to reconcile you might not want to share this with the world. I think there is a lot of stigma around taking someone back after they've cheated. I really wanted to try with my ex, but she ended up leaving me for the AP. 5 years out it's still really hard on our kid (50/50 non-contentious coparenting). Even though we didn't reconcile, I'm glad I only walked away after giving it my all. I wouldn't tell my kid that's what happened, but I will always know that I tried to do right by her. 5 years later, my life is so much better than it was when I was married. Know that even if you don't want a divorce, you can still thrive.

Just know that when your kids get older they’ll figure out what was what.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the woman that found out Friday... read this

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

NP. 33 lengthy rules/homework/changes to make because someone else cheated? No thanks. This is part of the problem- the cheater's life goes on, the person cheated on has a totally changed life and is now supposed to also follow these rules, not show emotion, etc? Not cool.

Says the cheater. Yes, there is 1 way to act when you have a loving honest partner and another way to act when you are being emotionally abused by a cheater.

Anonymous wrote:To the woman that found out Friday... read this

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

NP. 33 lengthy rules/homework/changes to make because someone else cheated? No thanks. This is part of the problem- the cheater's life goes on, the person cheated on has a totally changed life and is now supposed to also follow these rules, not show emotion, etc? Not cool.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry you are going through this.

I suppose I am cynical but I assume my spouse is capable of cheating on me. Perhaps its a defense mechanism, or its just the realization that over half of marriages are affected by infidelity so why would I be the exception? Anyone else similarly jaded?

Yes. But it doesn’t stop the shock or pain when it does happen.

+1

Anonymous wrote:I told my two closest girlfriends and my brother but not my parents and no other friends. I needed support but didn’t want to risk feeling like people were talking about me behind my back. I doubt my close friends who I didn’t tell would but my perception at the time was that I would be judged for being a loser or something. Two full years to heal but I’ve been thriving since.

Did you divorce?

I told my two closest girlfriends and my brother but not my parents and no other friends. I needed support but didn’t want to risk feeling like people were talking about me behind my back. I doubt my close friends who I didn’t tell would but my perception at the time was that I would be judged for being a loser or something. Two full years to heal but I’ve been thriving since.

NP. I was TOTALLY blindsided. It was with a coworker, just a couple of years after we were married. He left his computer open to his work email and I did not have a habit of reading snooping. But at the time we shared a laptop and I was getting on to do something else. I noticed a strange, suspicious subject line and I admit I clicked on it. I was disgusted but what I read, meeting in the stairwell to make out like teens. And crap about butterflies in her stomach.

I think I actually vomited I was so sick and shocked. He had been acting kind of distant and was doing lots of “work stuff” in the evenings but we’d only recently moved to that city and I honestly thought it was all because he was just adjusting. He wasn’t used to moving around and I was. Well,
SURPRISE!

I confronted him and of course he got mad about me reading his email and tried to turn it around so I was the bad guy. He tried to gaslight and also lied about the extent that things were going on with AP.

As to his why? “It just happened.”

I was too afraid to tell my family bc I feared they would blame me. I told a couple of select friends. I had this weird reaction where I both wanted to have him close so I knew he wasn’t with her and disgusted by his presence at the same time. I wanted him to stay and go simultaneously (isn’t that a Clash song?)

We did not have kids. No one moved out. We went to counseling. I think I cried every day for a year, no joke. And I felt sick for a couple of years because I didn’t feel my life was stable, it felt like my time with him was a lie, and I couldn’t stop thinking about the betrayal. I was kind of young (20s) and honestly did not know what to do. Worst time in my life, from the moment I found out to probably 3 years later. I was tortured by it all, and the therapist told me I feel things more than a lot of people, and because of that it might haunt me for a while. I would wake up thinking about it and go to sleep thinking about it.

The one day I realized I hadn’t thought about the affair or betrayal all day. It was a relief, because it meant that maybe one day I wouldn’t think about it at all.

11 years later we are still married and we are happy, with kids. Mind you, the first 3 years were miserable. Crying, therapy, accusations, feeling sick, feeling unsafe. Arguing, trying to have a normal life, pretending to have a normal life. It was unbelievably tough.

I am glad we stuck it out and we really are happy now. But my God, that was hard to get over. Part of it was because I honestly believed he was my best friend as well as my partner, and I was just shattered at his betrayal. I am tougher now.

Give yourself some time. You don't need to be his secret keeper. Definitely make sure you confide in at least one friend. However, if you plan to try to reconcile you might not want to share this with the world. I think there is a lot of stigma around taking someone back after they've cheated. I really wanted to try with my ex, but she ended up leaving me for the AP. 5 years out it's still really hard on our kid (50/50 non-contentious coparenting). Even though we didn't reconcile, I'm glad I only walked away after giving it my all. I wouldn't tell my kid that's what happened, but I will always know that I tried to do right by her. 5 years later, my life is so much better than it was when I was married. Know that even if you don't want a divorce, you can still thrive.

This is why I never understand people on here that say, ‘my partner isn’t cheating or would never cheat’. You really never know