Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP does not care about what and how she is feeding. He is scared that she will be without a job. Basically, he is another low-earning male who cannot take care of his family. DCUM has this sub-breed of males on it.

OP here. I had to laugh at this. I have no issues with my wife becoming a SAHM. I’m an MD and make around $400k/year. My wife is the one who decided she still wanted to work.

Yikes! Poor bedside manners and empathy for an MD. Your story regarding what your wife wants/wanted keeps on changing.

As a male, a DH and a dad, you seem pretty clueless. Hold off on having another one. You are not on the same page with your wife. This was not a medical issue that you posted for. You posted for a marital issue.

You’re the clueless one. OP is right to be concerned. OP has been consistent this whole time. His wife has issues. There is no way I would have another child with this woman in her state.

Anonymous wrote:White people problem!

Idiot. Plenty of POC breastfeed.

White people problem!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP does not care about what and how she is feeding. He is scared that she will be without a job. Basically, he is another low-earning male who cannot take care of his family. DCUM has this sub-breed of males on it.

OP here. I had to laugh at this. I have no issues with my wife becoming a SAHM. I’m an MD and make around $400k/year. My wife is the one who decided she still wanted to work.

Yikes! Poor bedside manners and empathy for an MD. Your story regarding what your wife wants/wanted keeps on changing.

As a male, a DH and a dad, you seem pretty clueless. Hold off on having another one. You are not on the same page with your wife. This was not a medical issue that you posted for. You posted for a marital issue.

Many of my friends who had trouble nursing said in retrospect they wish they hadn’t put so much pressure on themselves and supplemented + enjoyed their baby more.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable as her partner to say you’ll continue to support her but can see how it’s impacting her, think a happier/less stressed mom would also be good for your son, and will be fully supportive if she wants to cut back - and actually think it would be a wise move. Have the conversation and then go back to being supportive if she pushes back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your wife want to do? Does she want to breastfeed?

OP here. I won't disclose my wife's profession, but we are both in healthcare. She wanted to breastfeed but she had latch issues. Nothing worked and baby rarely breastfed. Now he is almost exclusively drinking pumped milk from the bottle because he refuses to nurse. He has only nursed successfully a handful of times when he was younger. We went to see many LC's and nothing worked. She is exclusively pumping.

I'll throw this out there. I had a kid like your kid. Until he was six months old, he rarely latched. I pumped the way your wife does. We bottle-fed him and he developed a very, very clear bottle preference. Around six months, he started being able to latch and eat. This made it so that I could do the middle of the night feeding by nursing him side-lying and we could go back to sleep that way. He would start the night in his crib and we would all wake up together in the bed.

It was sleep- and sanity-preserving and it was also really lovely time that I look back on fondly. Against a background of frustration about breastfeeding it was and is a bright spot.

Don't hustle your wife out of that possibility, OP. Just be quiet. This isn't going to last forever.

This is entirely different. OPs kid sleeps 8-7 and doesn’t need to be fed during the night.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your wife want to do? Does she want to breastfeed?

OP here. I won't disclose my wife's profession, but we are both in healthcare. She wanted to breastfeed but she had latch issues. Nothing worked and baby rarely breastfed. Now he is almost exclusively drinking pumped milk from the bottle because he refuses to nurse. He has only nursed successfully a handful of times when he was younger. We went to see many LC's and nothing worked. She is exclusively pumping.

I'll throw this out there. I had a kid like your kid. Until he was six months old, he rarely latched. I pumped the way your wife does. We bottle-fed him and he developed a very, very clear bottle preference. Around six months, he started being able to latch and eat. This made it so that I could do the middle of the night feeding by nursing him side-lying and we could go back to sleep that way. He would start the night in his crib and we would all wake up together in the bed.

It was sleep- and sanity-preserving and it was also really lovely time that I look back on fondly. Against a background of frustration about breastfeeding it was and is a bright spot.

Don't hustle your wife out of that possibility, OP. Just be quiet. This isn't going to last forever.

Anonymous wrote:You being concerned about your wife not getting sleep and obsessively pumping is one thing. You saying she doesn’t spend time with or care about the baby is another. It is hard to know if this means you are a jerk - making it about you - or if she truly has PPD.

How many hours a day do you have a babysitter? How do you know how much time your wife is with the baby? Do you work from home?

If she is home taking care of the baby most of the day, it makes sense that she takes a little break and you do most of the work with the baby when you get home. Her pumping is probably a little break for her.

If she had initial supply issues, it makes sense that she gets up at night to pump still.

You are clearly unhappy because you are posting about it. What exactly is making you unhappy? Why do you care that she spends time pumping? Is it because you have less time to do what you want?

I would definitely put off having another one. You are clearly not on the same page.

Just remember this is just a short phase and will pass soon.

OP here. I would be fine if she were happy and still spending time as a family, but she isn’t. I don’t think she has PPD - she loves our son. I think she is just tying to make brought milk for the baby. We did a combo of breast milk an drink formula for the first two months and things were fine. She still tried to nurse and pumped, but she was sleeping, happy, and loved being with the baby. Then one LC told her she needed to stop formula feeding if she didn’t want to lose breast milk and be able to successfully feed. She was shamed at the grocery store when a woman next to her told her he was too young to be on a bottle and to be formula fed ( she was buying bottles and formula). Then she started obsessively pumping, and we stopped formula feeding when she started making enough. I think her moodiness is because of lack of sleep. She pumps every 2-3 hours around the clock.

She started to work from home at 4 months but said she couldn’t handle work, the baby, and pumping. She decided to delay going back to work until 6 months. Then she said it was a hard long day with pumping and being tired to watch the baby. We hired a sitter to come a couple of times a week, but that quickly changed from her working M-TH, 8-4. She sometimes comes on Friday too. My wife spends a decent amount with him. His daily routine is up at 7, eat + play, nap from 9-10:30, eat + play, nap 12:30-2:30, eat + play, nap 4:30-5, eat + play, and sleep 8-7. She pumps for 30-60 minutes at each pump at roughly 7, 10, 1, 4, 7, 10, 1, and 4. She then will play with baby for maybe 30 minutes during awake periods. She wants downtime when I get home. I come home around 5/6, cook dinner, put baby to bed, clean up, and then we eat. She is pumping during some do that time, and relaxing in our bedroom.


Our son is almost 5 months old. I want to be clear that I have no issue with her breastfeeding. If she were sleeping and happy, I wouldn’t care, but her mood shift is the issue. I don’t think it’s healthy, and I’m not the only one that has noticed a change and tried to talk to her. She wants to try for a second baby at 6 months. I’m not sure if she plans to wean, because she had been reading and watching blogs about women who breastfeed or pump while still getting pregnant. I no longer want to have a second child at this point because I think it will be too hard on her body. She is 38.

Anonymous wrote:OP does not care about what and how she is feeding. He is scared that she will be without a job. Basically, he is another low-earning male who cannot take care of his family. DCUM has this sub-breed of males on it.

OP here. I had to laugh at this. I have no issues with my wife becoming a SAHM. I’m an MD and make around $400k/year. My wife is the one who decided she still wanted to work.

Anonymous wrote:Tread very lightly OP, this is precarious territory. If she's putting this much work into it, it's probably pretty important to her. I'd say something like the sacrifices you are making for our baby are really amazing. I hope you know that I would support you if you wanted to introduce some formula back into the routine to take some of the burden off. Especially now that baby is sleeping well and getting close to being able to eat solid food. Then, let it go.

+1 perfect wording

You being concerned about your wife not getting sleep and obsessively pumping is one thing. You saying she doesn’t spend time with or care about the baby is another. It is hard to know if this means you are a jerk - making it about you - or if she truly has PPD.

How many hours a day do you have a babysitter? How do you know how much time your wife is with the baby? Do you work from home?

If she is home taking care of the baby most of the day, it makes sense that she takes a little break and you do most of the work with the baby when you get home. Her pumping is probably a little break for her.

If she had initial supply issues, it makes sense that she gets up at night to pump still.

You are clearly unhappy because you are posting about it. What exactly is making you unhappy? Why do you care that she spends time pumping? Is it because you have less time to do what you want?

I would definitely put off having another one. You are clearly not on the same page.

Just remember this is just a short phase and will pass soon.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she is pumping every 2-3 hours, she is not getting REM sleep. One needs 4 hours (or so) in a stint to do that. That would concern me. If she is getting at least one 4 hour stint, then I would not be as worried.

OP here. She pumps everyday at 7, 10, 1, 4, 7, 10, 1, and 4. Sometimes she will do every 2 hours between 1 and 7 because she said she gets the most milk then. I am not the only one that as noticed a change in her. Her mom, my MIL, and her sister have all said the same thing and have tried to talk to her about it. I had suggested introducing more formula multiples times to lessen the stress on her, but she rejected the idea. I'm not controlling and this has nothing to do with it. This has to do with wanting a wife and mother ( for my son) who is present, happy, and in a good mental state. She is none of those things. She rarely spends time with our son because she is in the bedroom pumping.

She very likely has PPD/PPA. This is not about the breast feeding, it’s about the pumping. She has gotten into a state of anxiety about not producing enough and is putting herself through a lot of stress. At 4 months the prolactin receptors are already laid down. She would produce more milk if she slept. She needs at least one 4-5 hour cycle to protect her mental health. I slept 8 hrs a night with my second and pumped enough when I woke up for baby to have a bottle at night. Yours isn’t even waking, which by the way is a great sign that he is getting enough nourishment.

I think you need to speak to her dr or midwife about your concerns. This is a lot for you to carry alone. I’m sorry things have been so hard for you and your wife. If I were her I would drop one pump, like the 1 AM one, and see if it did not just make the next one double. That’s what happened to me — sleep was essential to my overall production. Then I would, after two weeks or so, drop the 4 AM one. I hope the dr can talk with her. It is now an important time to protect her health and immunity with sleep given our current situation.

I also want to reassure you both that in two months baby will be on solids and I hope this will aid in recovery. It may take your wife some months to get back to herself. The first year is hard. Good luck.

+1 this is not about breastfeeding, it sounds like she needs a mental health intervention.

Dads do get a say, but it's definitely mom's decision. I'm still nursing my 18 month old. DH had only put the 18 month old to sleep a few times just because it was so easy for me and he would read to our older kids. When we hit 18 months, he said he wanted to be reading to the 18 month old too and wanted me to stop nursing. I said no (so many reasons: I enjoy it, DS isn't cuddly other than during nursing, DS enjoyed it, and I've been losing weight really well nursing) but I redid the schedule. Now all the kids read together on the bigger bed and then DS nurses. Or sometimes I nurse and then they read together and DH puts him in the crib. Compromise is finding a solution that works for everyone.

OP, I don't think you're a bad dad, but your title is raising people's hackles.

I exclusively pumped for a year because my child also wouldn't latch. Has your wife read any EP forums or chat boards for support? At 3 months, they say supply is established and you can drop the middle of the night pump. I ended up finding my sweet spot (36-42 oz) at a very manageable 4 pumps a day, none of which were middle of the night pumps. If your wife is willing to try dropping pumps, she may find her production remains the same or increases, which will get her quality of life back.

Also, I think you're right to be concerned about her mental health and as PP have suggested, should get her screened for PPD.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello?!? WHAT. DOES. THE. WIFE. WANT?

Is she a mindless chattel that you have to decide for her? Let her follow her own instincts and support her with whatever she decides - breastmilk, formula, soymilk, almond milk.

Sheesh!

This.

Have you talked to her? Have you asked in a supportive way?

Maybe get off this forum where people are polarized and opinionated. It's your and your wife's business. You don't need strangers to chime in.

It’s his child too! If mom is going to pull rank and unilaterally decide how baby is fed (except for if husband was forcing her to breastfeed obviously, he has no say in forcing her to use her body), then she can’t expect him to be 50-50. Either it’s a more jointly made decision and equal work, or she takes on the bulk. I don’t disagree she has more of a say, but she can’t refuse to listen to his input at all