Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered free child care for the future, to be shared with my DD?s boyfriend?s mom. We?ve talked about taking care of any children so DD & her BF (potential DH) could work. This came up a couple of times over the past few years when DD mused about having kids.

I know this hesitancy to marry & have kids is a generational thing, but I?m struggling with understanding it. I?m supportive of all my kids and only share my frustration with my DH.

OP, be careful what you wish for. My mom had the same lament and within a four year time span my siblings and I (all in our 30s) got married and had children. It was tough for my mom because we all live in different states and she and my dad were constantly traveling to meet new grand babies (8 total) and to stay and help us. A couple of times two of us were pregnant at the same time and due just weeks apart.

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Anonymous wrote:Late 20’s is too young to marry

Not really. Female fertility declines quickly in your 30s.

Not everything in life is about marriage and babies! Has it ever occurred to you that not everyone wants that type of lifestyle?! Instead of OP mourning that she might not get grandchildren, she should be proud that her kids are thinking for themselves and not conforming to what society thinks they should be doing.

Isn't society informing millennials with a fantasy as well? Pretty sure that will fall apart let say around 48 to 55. I guess everyone's idea of fantasy is different.

Wait what happens at 48? I am 47 and don't regret not having kids (yet). Is something going to change in the next year? Please prepare me!

Feel free to grow older without family, if that's your preference. Check on many other threads here about aging parents. Additionally, you eventually will retire and realize that your career was just a job. Maybe you have an ongoing support network, lots of friends who are also childless, but that would be a rarity.

Are we on the same forum? None of those threads express any gratitude or love for dealing with aging parents/in-laws. In fact, one of them actually states that the DW feels resentment about the situation and it's hard on their marriage. You do realize that your children have to lead their lives and that means that you will be on a backburner right? There's also another thread about parents who have young adult children and many have stated that they may just be found rotting in their homes if they die. Having children is no guarantee of anything in life.

Of course. It certainly isn't a guarantee of anything. Pretty sure that is universally accepted.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Late 20’s is too young to marry

Not really. Female fertility declines quickly in your 30s.

Not everything in life is about marriage and babies! Has it ever occurred to you that not everyone wants that type of lifestyle?! Instead of OP mourning that she might not get grandchildren, she should be proud that her kids are thinking for themselves and not conforming to what society thinks they should be doing.

Isn't society informing millennials with a fantasy as well? Pretty sure that will fall apart let say around 48 to 55. I guess everyone's idea of fantasy is different.

Wait what happens at 48? I am 47 and don't regret not having kids (yet). Is something going to change in the next year? Please prepare me!

Feel free to grow older without family, if that's your preference. Check on many other threads here about aging parents. Additionally, you eventually will retire and realize that your career was just a job. Maybe you have an ongoing support network, lots of friends who are also childless, but that would be a rarity.

Are we on the same forum? None of those threads express any gratitude or love for dealing with aging parents/in-laws. In fact, one of them actually states that the DW feels resentment about the situation and it's hard on their marriage. You do realize that your children have to lead their lives and that means that you will be on a backburner right? There's also another thread about parents who have young adult children and many have stated that they may just be found rotting in their homes if they die. Having children is no guarantee of anything in life.

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Anonymous wrote:Are their friends married with kids?

What does that have to do with anything? Do you seriously think someone would make such big life changes because their friends are doing it? This isn't high school!

I think the pressure or insight to make a significant life change can occur when you see a friend go through it. It stops feeling strange.

Not in my case! Watching friends and acquaintances get married and have babies made me happy that it wasn't me! I'll keep my independence, thank you.

True, narcissists absolutely should not have children.

+10000 No argument here.

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are their friends married with kids?

What does that have to do with anything? Do you seriously think someone would make such big life changes because their friends are doing it? This isn't high school!

I think the pressure or insight to make a significant life change can occur when you see a friend go through it. It stops feeling strange.

Not in my case! Watching friends and acquaintances get married and have babies made me happy that it wasn't me! I'll keep my independence, thank you.

True, narcissists absolutely should not have children.

OK stop with the "people who don't want kids must be narcissists" nonsense.

See the toxic parents whose children never want to tell them anything upthread? This attitude of yours is guaranteed to push away what kids you have when they become adults.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are their friends married with kids?

What does that have to do with anything? Do you seriously think someone would make such big life changes because their friends are doing it? This isn't high school!

I think the pressure or insight to make a significant life change can occur when you see a friend go through it. It stops feeling strange.

Not in my case! Watching friends and acquaintances get married and have babies made me happy that it wasn't me! I'll keep my independence, thank you.

True, narcissists absolutely should not have children.

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Anonymous wrote:I think popular culture is encouraging people not to have children. Long term, how will that impact us culturally, socially, etc.?

Think about it.

No. Millennials have noticed that motherhood sucks! Long-term...it will be better for the planet!

It isn't motherhood itself; it is the current expectation that women literally do it all, and the reality that that isn't sustainably possible and absolutely leads to unhappiness in one way or another. And then the inevitable in fighting about one's opinion about all of it.

And the cost. Living is so expensive. Raising a child is so expensive. Wages are stagnated. I think a lot of people are just looking at the numbers, and the work, and saying no thanks.

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Anonymous wrote:I think popular culture is encouraging people not to have children. Long term, how will that impact us culturally, socially, etc.?

Think about it.

No. Millennials have noticed that motherhood sucks! Long-term...it will be better for the planet!

It isn't motherhood itself; it is the current expectation that women literally do it all, and the reality that that isn't sustainably possible and absolutely leads to unhappiness in one way or another. And then the inevitable in fighting about one's opinion about all of it.

This isn't something you can control, so you need to find a way to process and let go. Maybe they'll have kids, maybe one will, maybe neither will. It's not about you and what you did right.

I have an uncle/aunt with three grown kids (40s, 50s) and none do or will have children and none are currently married. They are all kind of weirdly stunted and not very accomplished, but smart and educated, so who knows what went wrong there. It's likely a "something happened in the house" situation.

My SIL and her brother never wanted kids. Not ever. Parents are lovely, normal seeming, and the mom is devastated. Lots of resentment from adult daughter that her mother never accepted her agency and always framed it as "when Larla has kids" or "someday they'll change their mind" peppered with stores about how they decided to have a second kid...totally different. It's been a sad thing to watch. Can't say I wouldn't feel devastated too but it's not a good dynamic.

I'd advise you to see a therapist and figure out how to let your kids know that you respect and value their life choices. If they can feel comfortable telling you what's up and know you'd have their back more than you'd hold out hope that they'll change their minds, your relationships with your children will be better for it. Nothing you can do about it, but you can do that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Late 20’s is too young to marry

Not really. Female fertility declines quickly in your 30s.

Not everything in life is about marriage and babies! Has it ever occurred to you that not everyone wants that type of lifestyle?! Instead of OP mourning that she might not get grandchildren, she should be proud that her kids are thinking for themselves and not conforming to what society thinks they should be doing.

Isn't society informing millennials with a fantasy as well? Pretty sure that will fall apart let say around 48 to 55. I guess everyone's idea of fantasy is different.

Wait what happens at 48? I am 47 and don't regret not having kids (yet). Is something going to change in the next year? Please prepare me!

Feel free to grow older without family, if that's your preference. Check on many other threads here about aging parents. Additionally, you eventually will retire and realize that your career was just a job. Maybe you have an ongoing support network, lots of friends who are also childless, but that would be a rarity.

Oh I see - you're telling me life is meaningless without children and one day I will be forced to realize that, even if I have zero interest in raising kids. Got it. Thanks!

Anonymous wrote:My parents were quite extreme about wanting grandkids by American standards. It's partly cultural (East Asian), and partly their personality. Constant berating, pressuring, and guilt tripping, b/c they had absolutely no sense of boundaries. I was going through marital and fertility issues, and learned the hard way never to share any intimate details about my life with them lest they throw it in my face later. So yes, I was tight lipped about my personal struggles, b/c if I tell them we were having fertility issues, my mom would say (and she had said it), well if you got married earlier like we wanted you to and started trying sooner, you would not have these problems. They would NOT let up and honestly, those years before I had kids were pretty awful in terms of my relationship with my parents. It's like they were laser focused on me having children.

Yeah, I believe the pp who said she cannot tell her mom about her fertility struggles. Some parents are just that clueless and unwittingly pushing their children away.

OP, I'm Asian too and your parents sound toxic like mine. Why put up with them? I cut mine off a long time ago and I'm so much happier for it. No more stress or feeling obliged to take their annoying calls. I don't think the culture acknowledges that people have feelings. To Asian parents, we are just props to maintain their status in their community.

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. When I read this thread, I was struck by how much it mirrored my own experience, and then I realized I’d started it.

Things are the same. Kids still: #1 dating but not settling down; #2 dating for 5+ years and not committed (though she still talks about marriage and kids); and #3 not dating at all, and he recently came out as asexual (which...makes sense).

I love them and they love me, and I will continue to wait and try to be patient for what comes next. By my age, my mom was a grandparent several times over. Maybe in a decade I will be a grandmother. Fingers crossed!

OP, you sound insufferable. Be more concerned with your children's physical and mental well-being than wishing that they fulfill your emotional void to be a grandparent.

She seems to be very concerned about her kids. Stop inserting your own projections.

NP here. I disagree. She doesn't show any concern for her kids. Just herself. I see that a lot these days. Very selfish grandmas.

Yes, the OP's narrative is "I want my children to have children so that I can enjoy grandchildren". But children doesn't make everyone happy. OP, check out the 'I mostly regret my children" thread that is gaining replies now. You might have some perspective after reading through the responses.

Many of the responses are affirming the having a child route, not the other way around. The perspective is this: not everything worthwhile is always easy, and everyone has rough patches in everything we do.

Having children isn't always worthwhile. Stop thinking in universal terms.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. When I read this thread, I was struck by how much it mirrored my own experience, and then I realized I’d started it.

Things are the same. Kids still: #1 dating but not settling down; #2 dating for 5+ years and not committed (though she still talks about marriage and kids); and #3 not dating at all, and he recently came out as asexual (which...makes sense).

I love them and they love me, and I will continue to wait and try to be patient for what comes next. By my age, my mom was a grandparent several times over. Maybe in a decade I will be a grandmother. Fingers crossed!

OP, you sound insufferable. Be more concerned with your children's physical and mental well-being than wishing that they fulfill your emotional void to be a grandparent.

She seems to be very concerned about her kids. Stop inserting your own projections.

NP here. I disagree. She doesn't show any concern for her kids. Just herself. I see that a lot these days. Very selfish grandmas.

Yes, the OP's narrative is "I want my children to have children so that I can enjoy grandchildren". But children doesn't make everyone happy. OP, check out the 'I mostly regret my children" thread that is gaining replies now. You might have some perspective after reading through the responses.

Many of the responses are affirming the having a child route, not the other way around. The perspective is this: not everything worthwhile is always easy, and everyone has rough patches in everything we do.

My parents were quite extreme about wanting grandkids by American standards. It's partly cultural (East Asian), and partly their personality. Constant berating, pressuring, and guilt tripping, b/c they had absolutely no sense of boundaries. I was going through marital and fertility issues, and learned the hard way never to share any intimate details about my life with them lest they throw it in my face later. So yes, I was tight lipped about my personal struggles, b/c if I tell them we were having fertility issues, my mom would say (and she had said it), well if you got married earlier like we wanted you to and started trying sooner, you would not have these problems. They would NOT let up and honestly, those years before I had kids were pretty awful in terms of my relationship with my parents. It's like they were laser focused on me having children.

Yeah, I believe the pp who said she cannot tell her mom about her fertility struggles. Some parents are just that clueless and unwittingly pushing their children away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are their friends married with kids?

What does that have to do with anything? Do you seriously think someone would make such big life changes because their friends are doing it? This isn't high school!

I think the pressure or insight to make a significant life change can occur when you see a friend go through it. It stops feeling strange.

Not in my case! Watching friends and acquaintances get married and have babies made me happy that it wasn't me! I'll keep my independence, thank you.