Anonymous wrote:OP here. ICU doc. Not nearly as rough as an ER doc, IMO. But not great. I’m just getting up to start hours 24-30 of shift, and looking at my Fitbit I was in bed for 4 hours of poor sleep. That’s about average, some better, some worse.

That being said, I wouldn’t trade this job for anything in the world. Great work. And although I miss 1 weekend a month a month with my kids, I’m also there when they get home from school 4 out of 5 days a week. Plus, with 12 flexible days off a month (seniority brings priority in scheduling), I’m at school for parent events, recitals, all the good stuff.

But, I do have a hard start time of 7:30 (I just start earlier so on short shift days I’m out earlier) So, this would not be possible without a helpful spouse or dependable morning child care.

I thought you only had 1 kid? What's the story here?

OP here. ICU doc. Not nearly as rough as an ER doc, IMO. But not great. I’m just getting up to start hours 24-30 of shift, and looking at my Fitbit I was in bed for 4 hours of poor sleep. That’s about average, some better, some worse.

That being said, I wouldn’t trade this job for anything in the world. Great work. And although I miss 1 weekend a month a month with my kids, I’m also there when they get home from school 4 out of 5 days a week. Plus, with 12 flexible days off a month (seniority brings priority in scheduling), I’m at school for parent events, recitals, all the good stuff.

But, I do have a hard start time of 7:30 (I just start earlier so on short shift days I’m out earlier) So, this would not be possible without a helpful spouse or dependable morning child care.

I'm guessing OP is an ER doc. A nurse in an ER doesn’t make the money at all for the lifestyle she is describing.

I work in an ER. Also shift work. But when I take call overnight, I just have to be able to get in within 15 min of receiving a page for a level 1 trauma. I don’t have to stay at the hospital like OP does due to a different specialty.

If that is what OP does for work, her 24 hour shifts in the ER are brutal. You cannot stay up through the night like that and not have it kill your health over time. It’s an intensity level unlike anything most people do for their working lives. Remember when you pulled an all-nighter in college? Try doing it when you are in your forties and fifties, several times a month, with no ability to nap the next morning. You have to keep going.

My DH handles 100% of everything on the weekends I take call. I am either at work or asleep at home. When we had kids at home, he did it all for them while I was on my shifts. This is the division of labor for just about everyone I know who works overnight in my ER. The spouse deals with the home life while they are at work and for many hours afterward so they can sleep. Otherwise no one can keep up this pace. The spouse does dinner after the shift and after the catch-up nap. OP can do the meals on her days off if that’s what they arrange. But on the night after a 30-hour day? No way.

I’d suggest 4-6 sessions with a counselor to sort this out. This seems unbelievably unfair to OP. It’s not sustainable— and her marriage will suffer as will her health eventually. And how would it make their child feel to know that Dad is so lazy that he doesn’t want to spend the time with them to do their drop offs and pick ups, that they are such a burden? Middle schoolers will pick up on this vibe.

My DH is older than I am and he retired early. I am still doing my work I’ve done for decades. He still handles the home front while I work. We are empty nesters but there is still stuff that needs to get done. We have a housecleaner twice a month for two hours for the basic cleaning (dusting, floors, bathrooms). But he deals with all the minutiae related to food, laundry, pets, Christmas shopping, oil changes in my car, making travel arrangements. He also volunteers 500 hours/year in his former work field in a different capacity than his paid employment was, which is great. But he definitely handles the home front and that was just understood when he retired early.

Anonymous wrote: What will your husband doing with the housekeeper, op?
I’m only half-kidding, there is a reason that humor exists. More importantly, if he retires early, he will have nothing to occupy his mind, no social outlet, no peer group.
It’s easy to do things that are harmful in that situation.
Both my parents, who have each other were shocked at how empty the first few months of retirement were. My dad pointed out that for the first time in his life he didn’t have a mom, a teacher, a boss or even children dictating how you spend your time and providing you with a social network.

If your husband doesn’t understand your job now, he *really* won’t understand it when he is home.

I’m also not surprised that this is a second marriage… for him. The selfishness, the “compromise” on number of children (and his unwillingness to emotionally support both his children) you working so you can pay for a child where you have no legal relationship while he stays home and does??? All scream that you are a trade-in, and that you got the bad end of the bargain. He is expecting you to support his son, and now you are realizing that he will do absolutely nothing for the child you and he have together, while having absolutely no empathy for your work schedule. I’d be wondering why you are in this marriage, even a dog and a young toddler have more compassion then your husband.

If it were me and he wouldn’t do pickup and drop-off, I’d be putting the kid in public school and live in a bus zone for that school. I’m not kidding, I’d move if I had to do that.
I’d also either fire the housekepper, or I’d have her, or find one who would do absolutely everything you needed done. If you want her to cook, she cooks. If you want her to grocery shop, she shops for groceries. If you want her to do pickup and drop-off, I’d have her do it.

If you do nothing else, you want a very clear idea of what your husband plans to do with his time and energy once he is retired. Figure out why he wants to retire ideally. Even my middle-schooler said “Why would someone retire early, retirement is for old people” and she’s right, it really is. Healthy people need and want to contribute to their families and ensure their families are emotionally healthy. I’d be worried about his physical and/or mental health if your assessment that he isn’t an ass is correct. A change in desire and behavior is an indicator of a problem.

for Windows 10

This.

OP’s husband may not be that old... Let’s say he joined the fire department at 19, he could be retiring with full benefits at 49. And OP could be a late 30s ER nurse or ICU nurse in her late 30s which explains the high demand for her skills and the shift work.

This isn’t unusual. Lots of firefighters and cops married to nurses out there.

Husband sounds like a self-centered ass, and I often take the side of DHs here on DCUM..

Anonymous wrote:Just because the wife doesn't want to retire, that's not a reason to limit the retired person's activities -- if he wants to travel. Some. Alone.

The only reason he can afford to retire is because his wife will keep working to support him.

Anonymous wrote:Of course he does pickups and drop offs. Is he seriously arguing he shouldn’t? What does he expect to do all day?

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the replies, but I agree with the OP.
I am a SAHM (at least for now) of two elementary age kids. I do 100% of school drop-offs and pick-ups, taking kids to and from sports/activities/appointments, watching the kids on school holidays/snow days, etc. I also do about 90% of the shopping and cooking and most of the housework. Why wouldn’t I? All of this is the point & benefit of having one parent home. Why should the working parent pick up extra work when one parent isn’t working for money?

Also, I think it’s funny how people on DCUM love to call people like me lazy, but think OP’s husband deserves a break.

Because he worked a real job for 30 years

So what? OP said they collectively don’t have enough money for her to retire too. So he’s financially dependent on his spouse (like many SAH parents) and he has a minor child at home.

^^^if this post was on the Money forum the answers would be totally different.

Anonymous wrote:Just because the wife doesn't want to retire, that's not a reason to limit the retired person's activities -- if he wants to travel. Some. Alone.

Did you read at all? She CAN’T retire - they need the money and insurance. AND they have an 11 yo. I would not agree to my spouse retiring in this situation Op. He isn’t even paying for his own child’s (not OP’s) college tuition!

He can’t afford to retire.

Just because the wife doesn't want to retire, that's not a reason to limit the retired person's activities -- if he wants to travel. Some. Alone.

Anonymous wrote:Is the child biologically his? I knew a couple that was almost in this exact situation, except the wife didn't work shift work. The child was not biologically his, she was a late in life single mother by choice who later married a man 10-15 years older.

I assumed that his age (very late 60s) and lack of a bio tie to the kid colored his attitude towards the situation.

If her attitude had always been that he was HER child, then it would be understandable that he didn’t want to pick up more child-related tasks.

Anonymous wrote:Retirement is different from SAH.

You should let him really retire. It's not fair otherwise.

Then OP should retire, she’s put more money in their retirement fund. But then who would take care of their child if both retire? You can’t retire from being a parent, but you can be an empty nester once they go to college.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He will probably travel. That's what retired people do, they travel. NP here. Have you all not thought about this --- he won't always be home.

Usually they travel with their spouse if they have one, not alone.

No way would I agree to subsidize my spouse’s travel silly-nilly.