Anonymous wrote:If she was once vibrant she is ILL. Get her medical help. Don’t waste your time whining on an anonymous forum. Jesus.

Anonymous wrote:I try to encourage her to get help, to stay active, to be active, helpf her find a new job, and so forth and so on.

Everything is miserable, everything is doom and gloom, no motivation,

We have 2 young kids, I don't want ot do this anymore. My formerly vibrant, engaged, alive, spouse is a dead shell of a person. A financial, emotional drain and burden. I do not say these things lightly; as I am aware of the weight they carry.

I am blamed for so much. It is everyone else's fault (mine primarily) as to why she is not doing well. She does not have support, encouragement, things to look forward to etc----and this is partly why she says she is depressed. I do not think that it is up to other people to manage your feelings and actions. If you do not work to find that drive within you, you will always be searching for it, and blaming everyone else along the way.

If i try to Help her by seeking out an activity to do together, she says that I am not hearing her, and missing the point. That an activity isnt going to help what she is feeling. Nothing is helpful, nothing is right, nothing is positive. I cannot continue on in this way.

She has become critical of my looks, and the weight gain I have experienced in recent years due to a medical condition. While I agree about getting healthier, I am resentful of her focus on critcizing me, when she is currently a completely dysfunctional person, adding basically nothing to our household for the last 18 months. No steady work, no picking up slack at home, etc.

I do not enjoy being around her anymore. When she is not blaming me for various things wrong in her life, she is staring into space, or sleeping. INvovlment with the children is minimal. Keeping up with the house is minimal. I am carrying the family and would rather do so alone, rather than with this negative, sick, angry, sad person occupying space here. I repeat- I do not say these things lightly. This has been a long road and I am simply tired.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your future: Best case, you pay child support, alimony, health care and extras for the kids and get them 50% of the time. Worst case, she's a SAHM so you get every other weekend and a few weeks a year plus above. And, a huge divorce attorney bill for you and your wife as you will probably be court ordered to pay for hers. Is that what you really want for your kids?

Actually if he documents her illness, he has a reasonable chance of getting full custody.

Anonymous wrote:Your future: Best case, you pay child support, alimony, health care and extras for the kids and get them 50% of the time. Worst case, she's a SAHM so you get every other weekend and a few weeks a year plus above. And, a huge divorce attorney bill for you and your wife as you will probably be court ordered to pay for hers. Is that what you really want for your kids?

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Anonymous wrote:Journal her behavior for the next 2 weeks. Send it to her doctor along with some highlights of concerns over the past few months.

Then, let her know that you see that her depression is not being managed adequately, and that it needs to be addressed with her doctor asap.

There is zero chance of getting her out and into a gym, without this step. Going to a gym is a long ways away. Think smaller, like taking a walk as a family.

Continue with the journal. If she will not make and keep an appointment with a doctor within a reasonable amount of time, then talk with her about a trial separation.

Op here. Can you communicate with your spouses dr? What about privacy?

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Anonymous wrote:In sickness and in health til death do us part. Didn't you take a vow, OP? All I am gonna say is that it takes two to tango. This is not a one sided problem.

It takes two. Meaning a marriage license isn’t a requirement to grow old in misery if the spouse doesn’t do his/her part.

You have missed the point. Both spouses are responsible. This is not a one-sided problem. We are hearing OP’s side. I guarantee you his wife has a lot to say as well.

Anonymous wrote:Your future: Best case, you pay child support, alimony, health care and extras for the kids and get them 50% of the time. Worst case, she's a SAHM so you get every other weekend and a few weeks a year plus above. And, a huge divorce attorney bill for you and your wife as you will probably be court ordered to pay for hers. Is that what you really want for your kids?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In sickness and in health til death do us part. Didn't you take a vow, OP? All I am gonna say is that it takes two to tango. This is not a one sided problem.

It takes two. Meaning a marriage license isn’t a requirement to grow old in misery if the spouse doesn’t do his/her part.

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Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.

+1. OP, it sounds like that you want her to forgive your changes in the marriage (health condition, weight gain) but you don't want to forgive and understand what she is going through. I think you need to take a step back and read your posts. You don't seem to hear what your wife is saying because you are in your head space for the most part. She told you that you are not understanding what she needs but you are discounting that.

This is a medical issue that needs to be fixed. You have a medical issue and she is not leaving you for it but you are considering leaving her for her issue? How are you helping your family by leaving? How would you be helping yourself by leaving: you will need to pay alimony for a sick spouse, pay child support, and sharing your kids with a spouse who isn't medically at her best. It's worth it to figure this out for you as well as your family.

I think she needs different/better medical and psychological help, you need to go to counseling that can help you through this (as opposed to finding a counselor who will tell you to bail), and you two need communication help since neither of you feel heard.

You've got this OP. Make your goal finding a solution instead of inward focus on only you/your thoughts.

His weight gain doesn't hurt their kids. Her illness does, and significantly. Stop making false equivalencies.

Him not solving this isn't going to get better for the kids. They will be with the mom 1/2 the time.
It's false equivalency: it's about his entitlement that his issues aren't a problem but her issues are. It's the mindset.

I'm sorry. Can you explain more about how OP's 'entitlement' is a problem? Just what is OP supposed to 'solve'? How will him losing weight end her depression? How will OP losing weight enable his DW to, again, be a partner?

His attitude is the problem: he dismisses his wife's concerns in general (e.g. about his medical problems and she has also said that he doesn't really listen to her). How do you make anything better if you just ignore what your spouse says to you, especially if they are going through a tough time. It's about being heard and he is clearly not listening to his wife.

Also, if he's concerned and taking care of kids on the weekends, what happens during weekdays? Who is watching kids at that time and isn't he concerned during those times that the wife is taking care of the kids? This is what I mean when I say he's looking at this only through his lens and not looking at the situation to make it better. He needs to think rationally: divorcing isn't going to make the situation better for the family because of many reasons. He's just reacting emotionally and needs to take a step back to evaluate from a broader lens than his own narrow misery view point.

There's a short term solution and a long term. He's focused on the short term.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to lose my mind. SHe expressed interest in finding a new job. I send jobs, just now I showed her a few. Every single one- there was an excuse. Why that org is bad, why this wouldn't work, etc. Everything is an excuse. She criticizes my approach- says that networking is better than blindly applying. Yet she is doing neither. She asked if I could help her edit her networking list. I said sure! Let's pull it up now. We started to talk about it, now she doesn't want to deal with it because she will have to get out her laptop. There is food on the floor from the kids' breakfast. I cooked the breakfast, I fed the kids. ANd now I will sweep up the floor while she sulks and sits. This is my every day.

OP, respectfully, you are also in a cognitive rut. Your wife has a mental illness that is not adequately treated. EVERY suggestion like this you make will not work because she has a mental illness that is not adequately treated. Your only goals at this point should be 1) getting a therapist for yourself, because you can control that and 2) trying to get her back to a psychiatrist for a medication adjustment, even though you cannot make her go, and 3) encouraging her to go back to therapy, although you cannot make her go.

After you meet with your therapist, you can create other goals. Decide what you are able to live with, and what kind of ultimatums you will give your wife, and what steps you will take if she cannot meet them.

Right now all you are doing is spinning your wheels, thinking about how awful your situation is. It is awful. There is no easy fix. Ruminating about that is not going to help. Take steps for yourself, that is all you can do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.

+1. OP, it sounds like that you want her to forgive your changes in the marriage (health condition, weight gain) but you don't want to forgive and understand what she is going through. I think you need to take a step back and read your posts. You don't seem to hear what your wife is saying because you are in your head space for the most part. She told you that you are not understanding what she needs but you are discounting that.

This is a medical issue that needs to be fixed. You have a medical issue and she is not leaving you for it but you are considering leaving her for her issue? How are you helping your family by leaving? How would you be helping yourself by leaving: you will need to pay alimony for a sick spouse, pay child support, and sharing your kids with a spouse who isn't medically at her best. It's worth it to figure this out for you as well as your family.

I think she needs different/better medical and psychological help, you need to go to counseling that can help you through this (as opposed to finding a counselor who will tell you to bail), and you two need communication help since neither of you feel heard.

You've got this OP. Make your goal finding a solution instead of inward focus on only you/your thoughts.

His weight gain doesn't hurt their kids. Her illness does, and significantly. Stop making false equivalencies.

Him not solving this isn't going to get better for the kids. They will be with the mom 1/2 the time.
It's false equivalency: it's about his entitlement that his issues aren't a problem but her issues are. It's the mindset.