Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wish someone could come talk to my MIL. She is on a very tight fixed income, doesn't have ANY money to spend, and insists on spending beyond her limits hauling over piles of plastic toys that the kids (toddler and preschooler) destroy very quickly.

We aren't even asking for experiences - we would just rather have her spend NO money but come and do something with the kids. We already have a ton of craft supplies and she would just have to show up and decorate an ornament, bake cookies, paint/draw, or just read and play. But... she prefers to bring piles of junk, and then sit on the couch sipping wine. And she wonders why they aren't more attached to her - after all, she brings so many toys! Sigh.

I think there is a correlation with people who didn’t grow up with (or still don’t) having a lot. My dad grew up very poor. We were middle class and he definitely expressed his love though buying me things. Now that he’s retired and has even more money, he wants to spend it all on BIG gifts for the kids. He says it’s because he can and wants to (even though I beg him to put it in their 529 if he reallllly wants to spend money on them).

I try to be understanding because I know gift giving is his currency and to him it’s something kids want because he didn’t have it. But my kids are UMC and simply don’t want for anything. And I don’t want them equating love with material things. It’s been hard for me to navigate.

Yes, I definitely think it's in part because my MIL grew up poor. I know she wants to be closer to the kids and this is the way she feels it will happen. She envisions showing up with all these gifts and having the kids run to her with excitement for these shiny new things. But yet another toy train for my 3 year old won't (and hasn't) suddenly make him feel close to Grandma or excited to see her. But sitting with him and reading or drawing will - those are his favorite activities. But she won't listen and just dismisses us when we offer these suggestions. And then she's saddened at the lack of interaction. It's frustrating for all involved.

Give the kids a few fun lush bath bombs or bubble bars.

Gives them a fun bath time experience. They will be used up in a month and they still get to open something fun under the tree.

Anonymous wrote:So just give the stuff. But don't keep hounding me for ideas for my 1 and 3yos. I'm out of freaking ideas already. Our house is already filled with toys you gave last year.

This. People have way too much stuff now and want less, that's why they are trying to come up with experiences and that sort of thing.

When I tried to get relatives to stop with all the gifts, they just laughed at me. But every time we have had to move for work, I have given away or sold boxes and boxes of unused gifts. I've just given up and started taking everything back, donating it, or selling whatever we can't use. And I'm a frugal person who enjoys keeping and using things. There is only so much we can use! And living in the DC metro where everything is so expensive, I value things like movie gifts and experiences more, because otherwise I have to sell some of this stuff and get enough money money to actually be able to go out and do things.

Some wealthy friends I knew gave their grandkids one small toy and stock for Christmas every year. Why not invest in their college account instead?

Or give them movie tickets, a subscription to Disney+, or a museum membership or gift card.

Or you could be like me and just return all gifts your kids don't like. They just don't need more. And goodwill didn't even want the new gifts. It's better for all that I return and they get something they like more. Or even new socks. My DS is obsessed with socks and characters/animals on his socks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Experience gifts don’t make sense in UMC circles. It’s not like the kids would be paying for their ice cream/museum/movie entry anyway. The parents would. My kids don’t care if you pay or I do - it’s free to them either way.

This, to an extent. One year, my parents told my kids (age 9 and 11 at the time) that they would take them out to lunch as part of their present. My kids don’t love “lunch” food. Eating out for lunch is not a treat. It is a chore for when we are traveling or shopping/running errands all day.

It never even happened. My parents offered once or twice on days we had other commitments. Kids didn’t miss it.

I don't know, my UMC kids love going out to lunch at Panera and consider it a treat (ages 5 and 7). They'd think lunch out with Grandma was an awesome gift.

Agree PP. The above post made me very sad. The money spent on lunch is not necessarily the experience; it's the special time with grandparents.

Anonymous wrote:Wish someone could come talk to my MIL. She is on a very tight fixed income, doesn't have ANY money to spend, and insists on spending beyond her limits hauling over piles of plastic toys that the kids (toddler and preschooler) destroy very quickly.

We aren't even asking for experiences - we would just rather have her spend NO money but come and do something with the kids. We already have a ton of craft supplies and she would just have to show up and decorate an ornament, bake cookies, paint/draw, or just read and play. But... she prefers to bring piles of junk, and then sit on the couch sipping wine. And she wonders why they aren't more attached to her - after all, she brings so many toys! Sigh.

I think there is a correlation with people who didn’t grow up with (or still don’t) having a lot. My dad grew up very poor. We were middle class and he definitely expressed his love though buying me things. Now that he’s retired and has even more money, he wants to spend it all on BIG gifts for the kids. He says it’s because he can and wants to (even though I beg him to put it in their 529 if he reallllly wants to spend money on them).

I try to be understanding because I know gift giving is his currency and to him it’s something kids want because he didn’t have it. But my kids are UMC and simply don’t want for anything. And I don’t want them equating love with material things. It’s been hard for me to navigate.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to give an experience if it means providing my credit card info. I'm not giving it to some random salon so you can have a pedicure.

Begs the question why you’re getting gifts at all for people you’re para kid would actually somehow scam your credit card

Wish someone could come talk to my MIL. She is on a very tight fixed income, doesn't have ANY money to spend, and insists on spending beyond her limits hauling over piles of plastic toys that the kids (toddler and preschooler) destroy very quickly.

We aren't even asking for experiences - we would just rather have her spend NO money but come and do something with the kids. We already have a ton of craft supplies and she would just have to show up and decorate an ornament, bake cookies, paint/draw, or just read and play. But... she prefers to bring piles of junk, and then sit on the couch sipping wine. And she wonders why they aren't more attached to her - after all, she brings so many toys! Sigh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Experience gifts don’t make sense in UMC circles. It’s not like the kids would be paying for their ice cream/museum/movie entry anyway. The parents would. My kids don’t care if you pay or I do - it’s free to them either way.

This, to an extent. One year, my parents told my kids (age 9 and 11 at the time) that they would take them out to lunch as part of their present. My kids don’t love “lunch” food. Eating out for lunch is not a treat. It is a chore for when we are traveling or shopping/running errands all day.

It never even happened. My parents offered once or twice on days we had other commitments. Kids didn’t miss it.

I don't know, my UMC kids love going out to lunch at Panera and consider it a treat (ages 5 and 7). They'd think lunch out with Grandma was an awesome gift.

I'm not going to give an experience if it means providing my credit card info. I'm not giving it to some random salon so you can have a pedicure.

Anonymous wrote:This is the one area where I really disagree with DCUM. I am perfectly fine with you giving my kids dollar store plastic crap I throw away in 3 weeks time. Its a gift, an extra, something we don't need or plan for. I am not going to get picky with whatever free things you are gifting my children for goodness sake!! Its all welcomed and appreciated. And the fact that a lot of it is "crappy" and never to be used is perfectly fine with me. I will buy whatever toys and experiences I really want my kids to have and anything on top of that is all gravy. I feel like people must really be miserable to complain what their mother in laws get their children. Its like wait someone got your kid a gift?? Omg how annoying!?! WTF!

Okay and times that by ALL the kids out there and you have A LOT of gifts being thrown away every “3 weeks.” I’d rather you gift my kids an earth that isn’t overrun with garbage toys they don’t even remember from their childhood.

Anonymous wrote:Both of our grandmas like to give junk from five below or the dollar store so they can see the kids open it. Then it breaks a couple days later and I have to deal with the tears, or clean up all the crap, and eventually send it to the landfill. Even $5 for ice cream would be better.

Same.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes...you sound very hostile OP. Don't give anything if you are so bitter about life. The world doesn't need any more negativity.

Like others have said ...experiences can be free. You could give the parents free babysitting. That would provide for a great experience. You could take the kid to a park or invite over for a sleepover.

Go home Scrooge.

This would 100% be viewed as being cheap.

Nope. We don't want or need more crap. Honestly. Spending time is always a good idea.

Little kids do not understand quality time. They understand Christmas equals gifts, and they absolutely notice if Aunt Sarah didn’t send a gift this year.

Yikes. My kids don’t “keep tabs” on who doesn’t give them a gift. And they are super excited to go do fun stuff, even just fishing in Grandpa’s neighborhood or a trip to a play place down the street. Guess how much they care about the FOURTH fire truck they’ve been gifted in 2 years ...

Except for their most beloved toys, they don’t even notice when I do quarterly playroom decluttering/donation. If you don’t want to gift experiences fine, but know the cheap plastic junk you gift will be like setting your money on fire.

+1 my toddler LOVES seeing his older cousins (they are in college). He wouldn't remember or care if they brought toys with them, but he loves it when they read him books before bed.

You taught your children how to understand Christmas, so don't project their greed on to others.

Anonymous wrote:I’m a nanny and the kids I work with all have so much stuff with more on the way. I don’t want to add to that so I asked the kids if instead of me giving them a present, we’d go to an animal shelter and donate some money and then go get pizza. They said yes, so that’s what we did. The shelter had a tree set up with pictures of animals and a wish on the back. I let them pick out something from the wishes, then gave the shelter some cash up to the budget I had set and then walked around looking at the animals for a few minutes. Then we went and had pizza, played a few games and I took them home. It was great and they were excited to tell their parents all about it. An experience gift can be pretty simple and still make a lasting impact.

This sounds like a lovely gift — and one they’ll remember more than some toy that is played with twice and thrown out.

So just give the stuff. But don't keep hounding me for ideas for my 1 and 3yos. I'm out of freaking ideas already. Our house is already filled with toys you gave last year.