Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just do more freelance hours. Why is the only option what you are doing now or a full time job in an office?

If she’s freelancing maybe she has a few regular clients and it’s difficult to find new business? There are a thousand reasons why she can’t just double or triple the number of clients she has whenever she feels like it.

OP here. This is correct. And why should it be my responsibility to make more so that I can cover more of the childcare, when he requires FT childcare to make any money at all?

I don’t know what you’re looking for.

Just about everyone agrees the situation you describe is bullshyt, yet you’re the one who wants to stay married to this guy. I’m the one who posted up thread that you would be better off divorced and I don’t say that lightly. Your husband is very controlling about money and doesn’t want to pay for childcare expenses AND you’re married! This is only going to get worse as your child gets older and has more needs. He’s not going to want pay for any of it. If you’re divorced - he has to.

Yet, You’re married to a deadbeat and you want to stay... What did you come here hoping to hear? I’m genuinely curious.

OP here. This thread has helped me articulate a grievance I’ve had for a long time but haven’t been able to articulate well. So, thanks for your replies. There is a lot about our marriage that works beautifully, so I’m not interested in divorce. I just spoke to DH about this stuff and he did a good job of listening and making me feel heard. We’re going to go the 2x/week full-day daycare route, which I’m happy with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just do more freelance hours. Why is the only option what you are doing now or a full time job in an office?

If she’s freelancing maybe she has a few regular clients and it’s difficult to find new business? There are a thousand reasons why she can’t just double or triple the number of clients she has whenever she feels like it.

OP here. This is correct. And why should it be my responsibility to make more so that I can cover more of the childcare, when he requires FT childcare to make any money at all?

I don’t know what you’re looking for.

Just about everyone agrees the situation you describe is bullshyt, yet you’re the one who wants to stay married to this guy. I’m the one who posted up thread that you would be better off divorced and I don’t say that lightly. Your husband is very controlling about money and doesn’t want to pay for childcare expenses AND you’re married! This is only going to get worse as your child gets older and has more needs. He’s not going to want pay for any of it. If you’re divorced - he has to.

Yet, You’re married to a deadbeat and you want to stay... What did you come here hoping to hear? I’m genuinely curious.

Has op said how old the child is?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get an au pair- upfront agency fees pricey at $9k but weekly cost$200 and flex hours

Unfortunately we live in a 2 bed apt. I assume the $200/wk is if you house them?

Correct. You must provide a legal bedroom to an au pair as well as food. Between the housing, food and allowance, it’s actually not that cheap. The benefit is mostly to parents who absolutely need flexibility -meaning they need help for 3 hours in the morning and 3 hours after dinner. There’s no way you’d ever a nanny willing to agree to such crazy hours, but it’s doable with live-in help.

An au-pair sounds very expensive considering what you actually need. Look for half day preschools. My kid goes from 9am-1pm MWF but her school has daily classes too. We are out in the suburbs, so I’m not even going to give you suggestions, but that’s the type of thing you need to look for.

Anonymous wrote:Why do you say you support his parents minimally? You’re owed his money and he’s supporting his parents. I like how he places his parents above his own child. Why can’t grandparents help you all since you’re giving them cash?

Couple reasons but primary ones are: we can’t afford their medical insurance ($2k/mo for both) on top of the $1k rent we’re paying for them, and so they’ll need jobs that provide that. Second, our son is scared of them and behaves aggressively around them for reasons we don’t currently understand.

Anonymous wrote:His savings goals are reasonable.

I use part-time preschool. It's not a time-savings setup. You will constantly have things they're asking you to volunteer to do, things you need to shop for and bring in, field trips to chaperone. If you're looking at it as a real break for you where you can work, instead of a socialization benefit for your child, you will be very disappointed.

I agree and I do think we both have come to understand this recently. We thought we gamer the system by paying 10% of what other families pay the past couple years, but the stress toll and level of required involvement have been high.

His savings goals are reasonable.

I use part-time preschool. It's not a time-savings setup. You will constantly have things they're asking you to volunteer to do, things you need to shop for and bring in, field trips to chaperone. If you're looking at it as a real break for you where you can work, instead of a socialization benefit for your child, you will be very disappointed.

I’d tell DH you need reliable preschool for the hours you are working and there are the following options (1) you will arrange and bill him for his half (2) you can research together and make a decision and each pay half (3) stay with playgroup arrangement but HE will be responsible for DD each and every time playgroup falls through- which means he has to take DD to work with him or take leave

Why do you say you support his parents minimally? You’re owed his money and he’s supporting his parents. I like how he places his parents above his own child. Why can’t grandparents help you all since you’re giving them cash?

Anonymous wrote:Just put the child into daycare and tell him the new amount he has to pay. He wants to split everything 50/50 so that includes childcare.

My take is that he wants to put money into retirement so he doesn't end up like his parents. He still has to give his parents money as they didn't plan.

If you want to do finances 50/50 something for him will have to give either his retirement income, money for his parents or spending money.

I get the feeling it's OP that wants separate finances and not her husband, I could be wrong.

I basically agree but might be inclined to look at a few preschools and cost compare (with him if you can) so maybe he will feel more invested. If he doesn’t- well- you tried. Given how separate your finances are, Id let him know upfront that you are signing her up and will give him the bill and expect half. And make sure he knows you mean it. If he needs him to cut his budget to cough up preschool $ every month that is not your problem. Something else will have to go.

If he doesn’t like it I’d threaten to drop DD off with HIM at HIS job for 15hrs of his week and see how that goes. Fair is fair, after all! Funny how ridiculous that sounds when you flip things around, eh?

Good luck op!

Anonymous wrote:I read most of the thread and maybe I'm missing something but you both have reasonable expectations. If your work requires more hours than this odd play group you use them sure increase the amount of child care. At the same time, combined you make $200K and him saving 25% of his paycheck (i.e. $25K per year) is completely reasonable too. Many people at your income level are maxing out two 401ks (i.e. $37K per year). I know you said he sends some money to his parents but there must be some other major money pit if $1,200 a month is breaking your budget to the point where you can't meet his retirement savings goal.

+1 !

I agree the childcare is needed, no question.

I don’t see how this amount is a budget breaker given your HHI. Either you are overextended or DH is excessively thrifty.

Is there any way you could get cheaper preschool that would still be convenient? It wouldn’t hurt to save a bit but personally I wouldn’t make a huge sacrifice in quality as some have suggested (doing in home daycare instead etc).

Also your DH seems shortsighted- you said in 2yrs she will be in public school, and up until now you’ve had practically zero child care costs. Surely you can afford a darn part time preK for 2yrs.

Just put the child into daycare and tell him the new amount he has to pay. He wants to split everything 50/50 so that includes childcare.

My take is that he wants to put money into retirement so he doesn't end up like his parents. He still has to give his parents money as they didn't plan.

If you want to do finances 50/50 something for him will have to give either his retirement income, money for his parents or spending money.

I get the feeling it's OP that wants separate finances and not her husband, I could be wrong.

Anonymous wrote:Get an au pair- upfront agency fees pricey at $9k but weekly cost$200 and flex hours

Unfortunately we live in a 2 bed apt. I assume the $200/wk is if you house them?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just do more freelance hours. Why is the only option what you are doing now or a full time job in an office?

If she’s freelancing maybe she has a few regular clients and it’s difficult to find new business? There are a thousand reasons why she can’t just double or triple the number of clients she has whenever she feels like it.

OP here. This is correct. And why should it be my responsibility to make more so that I can cover more of the childcare, when he requires FT childcare to make any money at all?

Get an au pair- upfront agency fees pricey at $9k but weekly cost$200 and flex hours