Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 21:08     Subject: Re:How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
^ kids’ family as they have known it does dissolve. It’s a big change.

To each his/her own on what you say about the reasons for divorce. I would be transparent, not emotional.

I’ve never cheated or have been divorced either.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 20:59     Subject: How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you tell your children that your spouse had sex outside of the marriage? My children don’t need to know what happens in the bedroom.


Why on earth would you expect your spouse to cover for you? To participate in your lying? To pretend? To cover for you? You’re the cheater, you deal with it.


If my partner cheated, I wouldn’t tell my kids. That is private. I wouldn’t talk to my kids about my sex life if my partner was faithful. No one outside my partner, my doctor and my therapist needs to know what happens in my bedroom.


Amen. I agree 100%


Your kids have a right to know what caused the dissolution of their family.
It’s treating your kids with respect by telling them the truth factually and in age appropriate manner.


Their family doesn’t dissolve because of divorce. It changes. It evolves.

I don’t get why this is so hard to grasp. The details of a divorce shouldn’t be shared. It’s private.

And frankly, it is tacky and immature to drag your children into your drama.

(Not divorced. Not cheating. Seen plenty of good divorces. And a few bad ones...)
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 20:46     Subject: How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you tell your children that your spouse had sex outside of the marriage? My children don’t need to know what happens in the bedroom.


Why on earth would you expect your spouse to cover for you? To participate in your lying? To pretend? To cover for you? You’re the cheater, you deal with it.


If my partner cheated, I wouldn’t tell my kids. That is private. I wouldn’t talk to my kids about my sex life if my partner was faithful. No one outside my partner, my doctor and my therapist needs to know what happens in my bedroom.


Amen. I agree 100%


Your kids have a right to know what caused the dissolution of their family.
It’s treating your kids with respect by telling them the truth factually and in age appropriate manner.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 19:54     Subject: How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you tell your children that your spouse had sex outside of the marriage? My children don’t need to know what happens in the bedroom.


Why on earth would you expect your spouse to cover for you? To participate in your lying? To pretend? To cover for you? You’re the cheater, you deal with it.


If my partner cheated, I wouldn’t tell my kids. That is private. I wouldn’t talk to my kids about my sex life if my partner was faithful. No one outside my partner, my doctor and my therapist needs to know what happens in my bedroom.


Amen. I agree 100%
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 19:45     Subject: Re:How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Your kids will figure it out some day and despise you for it.


Or not.


I have never once seen a family breakup precipitated by a cheating spouse where at least one and usually all of the kids don't find out and don't despise the cheating parent.


Wow, how many broken families do you know that you claim to be an expert?


Too many.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 19:43     Subject: How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:There is one very angry man who weighs in with the "lack of sex equals permission to cheat" argument. Its clear why his wife doesn't want to sleep with him. His inability to take ownership of his actions is obtuse. If your wife nags you, you don't get permission to hit her. If she stresses you out, it doesnt imply permission for you to use drugs/alcohol. If she isnt having sex, that isnt permission to cheat. Use your big boy words and say "I need more sex or I am going to find it with someone else. If you arent ok with that, we need to divorce."


A sexless marriage is way beyond a simple discussion.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 19:43     Subject: Re:How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
The example from the original poster is not typical cheating. This is an extreme example of people who are idiots who cheated in the wrong place. Don’t cheat around your kids. Vast majority of people married or divorced or single or cheating—your sex life has nothing to do with your children. It only affects children if people make decisions that are vastly stupid like the original poster’s example.

If cheating happens to cause a divorce chances are the divorce would’ve happened anyway and it’s not the cheating that causes the problems it’s the way the parents handle the divorce. In any divorce regardless of cheating some parents handle it well and some parents cause a ton of drama and go after the other parent and make it public and that’s what causes problems—not cheating.

Divorce is not the end of the world for kids but if parents choose to make it the end of the world because they are bitter because a spouse cheated and they got caught then that’s on them for screwing up their kids not on the cheating itself.


This can't possibly have been written by an adult. If the marriage ends due to cheating, it ALWAYS affects the kids. They have learned that the parent lies and isn't trustworthy, betrayed their other parent (the other most important person in the kids' lives) and completely destroyed not only the betrayed spouse but the kids as well. Many, many children in a marriage broken due to cheating never have a healthy relationship again with the cheating parent, whether or not it happens like in the OP's story or with someone the kid never knew. Your shortsightedness is stunning, but typical of a cheater. You have to construct a world view that justifies your cheating.


I am an adult. Married 10 years. Not cheating. I do not believe cheating or not has anything to do with kids. Sorry, i don’t. Cheating is usually a symptom of a marriage that should not be. People are idiots if the cheat and get caught. But they should divorce first before the marriage is so bad they need to cheat to feel something. However, if cheating is caught, and parents divorce, the kids or anyone should not know. People should not air their dirty laundry in public. That is what is damaging...how a divorce is handled. The actual cheating or any reason for a marriage ending has nothing to do with kids.


While in theory people "shouldn't know" about the cheating, if the cheater is making out with his the person he is cheating with in public places where people who know the wife and kids go, well then ....tough to keep that one a secret and "not air dirty laundry". Poster, you seem a bit naive about what cheaters are actually like. It's not "airing dirty laundry" if the cheater is going around in public doing things and lying to everyone the couple knows about why the divorce occurred. I was cheated on. Please tell me if this was airing dirty laundry. At a school event another parent came up to me and said, "I talked to your soon to be ex husband and he told me you are getting a divorce because you didn't have the strength to save your marriage." She lectured me for a minute about how hard marriage can be. Was I "airing dirty laundry" when I responded, it was a shame his girlfriend "didn't have the strength"? Oddly, he never mentioned the years he led a double life, the lies he told, etc when he is telling people his story.


I would say that my divorce is none of your business and walk away.

Anyone who is going to gossip about your divorce isn’t someone to engage with.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 19:40     Subject: How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you tell your children that your spouse had sex outside of the marriage? My children don’t need to know what happens in the bedroom.


Why on earth would you expect your spouse to cover for you? To participate in your lying? To pretend? To cover for you? You’re the cheater, you deal with it.


If my partner cheated, I wouldn’t tell my kids. That is private. I wouldn’t talk to my kids about my sex life if my partner was faithful. No one outside my partner, my doctor and my therapist needs to know what happens in my bedroom.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 18:56     Subject: How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:There is one very angry man who weighs in with the "lack of sex equals permission to cheat" argument. Its clear why his wife doesn't want to sleep with him. His inability to take ownership of his actions is obtuse. If your wife nags you, you don't get permission to hit her. If she stresses you out, it doesnt imply permission for you to use drugs/alcohol. If she isnt having sex, that isnt permission to cheat. Use your big boy words and say "I need more sex or I am going to find it with someone else. If you arent ok with that, we need to divorce."


I know right! Sometimes seems a bit surreal when he keeps on making some of his arguments.

Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 18:29     Subject: How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
If you don’t want to have sex with your higher drive partner, you need to divorce and stop pretending you have a prefect life on Facebook. Or just sleep with him/her twice a week.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 18:17     Subject: How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:There is one very angry man who weighs in with the "lack of sex equals permission to cheat" argument. Its clear why his wife doesn't want to sleep with him. His inability to take ownership of his actions is obtuse. If your wife nags you, you don't get permission to hit her. If she stresses you out, it doesnt imply permission for you to use drugs/alcohol. If she isnt having sex, that isnt permission to cheat. Use your big boy words and say "I need more sex or I am going to find it with someone else. If you arent ok with that, we need to divorce."


There are a whole bunch of angry women who weigh in with the “fidelity is expected even when sexless” argument. It’s clear why their husbands no longer care about their needs and treat them as a room mate. If you don’t want sex, you forfeit the right to vote on opening the marriage. Use your big girl words and get a divorce.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 16:11     Subject: Re:How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Your kids will figure it out some day and despise you for it.


Or not.


I have never once seen a family breakup precipitated by a cheating spouse where at least one and usually all of the kids don't find out and don't despise the cheating parent.


Wow, how many broken families do you know that you claim to be an expert?
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 15:53     Subject: Re:How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Your kids will figure it out some day and despise you for it.


Or not.


I have never once seen a family breakup precipitated by a cheating spouse where at least one and usually all of the kids don't find out and don't despise the cheating parent.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 15:24     Subject: How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
There is one very angry man who weighs in with the "lack of sex equals permission to cheat" argument. Its clear why his wife doesn't want to sleep with him. His inability to take ownership of his actions is obtuse. If your wife nags you, you don't get permission to hit her. If she stresses you out, it doesnt imply permission for you to use drugs/alcohol. If she isnt having sex, that isnt permission to cheat. Use your big boy words and say "I need more sex or I am going to find it with someone else. If you arent ok with that, we need to divorce."
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2019 13:08     Subject: How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you tell your children that your spouse had sex outside of the marriage? My children don’t need to know what happens in the bedroom.


Are you just really dumb? Your kids will find out, and usually from someone else other than your spouse.


Cheater here, so do I get to tell people my wife and I don't have sex which is why I cheated? Or do we spare our kids the public airing of grievance


If it was that important to you, then you should have gotten a divorce. Betraying your wife and family is wrong, no matter how much you whine about how your wife deserved it.

You have it backwards: his cheating is a great act of loyalty towards both his wife and family. The wife does not want sex (otherwise she'd be having it) and does not want to divorce (otherwise she'd have divorced). So he did not betray or wrong her.... iis cheating enables her to have exactly what she wants. Without his cheating, they would surely be divorced. Divorcing would have been MUCH easier than cheating (for a man).