Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how my office affair started. I wouldn’t say anything but I would pay attention.

Not saying anything kills me because it’s affecting how I interact with him. I’m mad and probably cold because I’m pissed and anxious that he hiding something. But as I said I’m afraid to drive this further nderground. My best case resolution would be something like - he says he’s been hiding this friend from me because he thought I would be jealous and he feels bad about it, and then it’s out in the open and not a problem anymore. I have close male work friends I socialize with but am Not trying to sleep with, why can’t he?

Think this through, OP - why would he think you would be jealous about it if you had a work husband and you're fine with him going out with female colleagues? I had a work husband with whom I did not have an affair, so I'm not saying that's what is happening here, nor that either of you are weird for spending time with colleagues of the opposite sex. But why do you think your best case would be him saying he thought you'd be jealous?

I caught my H having drinks with coworkers he never ever talked about. I confronted him and he said they were innocent friendships but then he went ballistic so I knew something was up. I allowed him to go silent, we barely talked for a few days. He thought things were going to smooth over with time. Little did he know I was on the hunt looking so vast and deep into our accounts and came up with the smiling gun and confronted again. There was no denying he was having an affair. Initially I would have let it go but his confrontation reaction was over the top guilty.

OP

Did you verify he didn't go anywhere else with her? Look at his phone location for that night when he met her for a drink. I don't agree about meeting the opposite sex after work hours unless it's a group. You should also practice that is you suspect it bothered your husband. Look into it a little more, how much they are texting and meeting. Content of the texts etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't realize that every time I have lunch with my coworkers and don't tell my wife that I'm hiding things from her! I was talking with a co-worker today about a tv show we both watch... I need to call my wife right now and tell her about that!

OP sounds controlling and neurotic.

Do you text the coworker frequently?

Texting and meeting after hours for drinks is what is going on here pp.

OP: I don’t know why I’m defending myself - but I’ve said here a few times that I have zero problem with the texting or lunch with coworkers or drinks, even one on one with opposite sex. It’s that my husband has never mentioned this person (even though he knows I have a great male work friend I text and meet with some times) and he has specifically hid that he met her for drinks after work recently; he said he went to group event, but neglected to mention he then met her afterwards separately (and I don’t think she was even at the group event). God I want to kill him as I’m writing this. It’s so messed up of him, it just can’t be innocent. One theory I have is that he was is more jealous/troubled by my relationship with my opposite sex coworker than he has let on, and this is his way of dealing with that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't realize that every time I have lunch with my coworkers and don't tell my wife that I'm hiding things from her! I was talking with a co-worker today about a tv show we both watch... I need to call my wife right now and tell her about that!

OP sounds controlling and neurotic.

Do you text the coworker frequently?

Texting and meeting after hours for drinks is what is going on here pp.

Anonymous wrote:I didn't realize that every time I have lunch with my coworkers and don't tell my wife that I'm hiding things from her! I was talking with a co-worker today about a tv show we both watch... I need to call my wife right now and tell her about that!

OP sounds controlling and neurotic.

Do you text the coworker frequently?

Anonymous wrote:OP
My I believed my DW was involved in an emotional affair with a much younger man. Things were off in our relationship. She talked about this guy constantly and they hung out often. I did snoop on her phone, I just couldn't handle it anymore. The text I found were more her flirting with him and him not responding. Nothing over the top, just her sending lots of blushing emojis and hearts.
I confronted her, she blew up about it accusing me of not trusting her and how could I do that. I explained that sending some guy hearts was out of line imo, she tried to explain it off as she was trying to send positive thoughts his way.
I don't know if anything happened between them, she swears nothing and he moved away.
I will admit after confronting her she was more secretive of her phone and always deleted everything. This is what others mean by it going underground.
Its a no win situation you are in op.

Damnit I’m so pissed at him for putting me in this no win situation! I just want to give him the benefit of the doubt that this is nothing but then I worry it’s not. I want to just lay low and work on the relationship, but will be hard to put the effort and patience and vulnerability forward to work on the relationship while I’m also distrusting him and perhaps spying on him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how affairs start. Demand he end it now and get to therapy.

OP here- some say this and some say lay low or he’ll get even more secretive. Can’t decide what to do.

OP just say: "DH it came to my attention you sometimes meet a woman co-worker for drinks just by yourselves. I have zero problem if you meet a group, but I'd rather you not meet her alone".

End of story, you don't need to tell him how you know. Then sit back and see what happens.

OP
My I believed my DW was involved in an emotional affair with a much younger man. Things were off in our relationship. She talked about this guy constantly and they hung out often. I did snoop on her phone, I just couldn't handle it anymore. The text I found were more her flirting with him and him not responding. Nothing over the top, just her sending lots of blushing emojis and hearts.
I confronted her, she blew up about it accusing me of not trusting her and how could I do that. I explained that sending some guy hearts was out of line imo, she tried to explain it off as she was trying to send positive thoughts his way.
I don't know if anything happened between them, she swears nothing and he moved away.
I will admit after confronting her she was more secretive of her phone and always deleted everything. This is what others mean by it going underground.
Its a no win situation you are in op.

Anonymous wrote:It's not about "letting it happen" by not saying anything. You want to know whether he will CHOOSE for it to happen without your intervention and without him knowing that you suspect anything. It's about knowing what he will choose when he thinks no one is watching -- if you want to know his true character.

On the flip side, I fo understand wanting to intervene before things can get worse. But with this approach, you may never fund out the whole truth.

I'm on the side of intervene before things get worse. Think about it this way: if you suspected that one of your children was considering doing something self-destructive, would you just allow them to make the decision (e.g., use drugs, drive drunk, cheat on boyfriend/girlfriend, etc.) so that you can know their true character?

OP, to me, it's enough that you feel distant enough from your husband to snoop in his phone. That right there should lead to a conversation about how to connect with each other better, regardless of what you found on his phone. Given what you found on his phone, a conversation about how distant you felt, how hurt you felt when you saw his texts with Susan, your confusion because he'd never mentioned Susan before, and your worry that it's worse than it looks is completely appropriate.

It might "drive the behavior underground" but if your husband loves you and is committed to you, he will offer you reassurances and you will be able to move forward together rather than holding this by yourself and being worried.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how affairs start. Demand he end it now and get to therapy.

OP here- some say this and some say lay low or he’ll get even more secretive. Can’t decide what to do.

You have to decide what is more important to you:

1. Do you want to stop something that might happen w/o ever knowing the details of what extent it got to or might have gotten to?

or

2. Do you want to know the full truth of the story, but accept that it means you can't control it?


Keep in mind if your husband is a cheater who lies, if you confront him without any concrete evidence or before he's actually doing anything he may become the type of guy who becomes the ultimate gaslighter. Cheaters do this a lot, they turn themselves into the victim and act like how dare you suspect them and woe-is-them you don't trust them anymore, blah blah.

Or your husband may be a total classy guy who simply omitted some info without any malicious intent. But personally, I've always preferred to discover this myself vs. taking my man's word for it. He can tell you all he wants but if you know the truth before he talks, what and how he talks about it reveals everything.

Anonymous wrote:It's not about "letting it happen" by not saying anything. You want to know whether he will CHOOSE for it to happen without your intervention and without him knowing that you suspect anything. It's about knowing what he will choose when he thinks no one is watching -- if you want to know his true character.

On the flip side, I fo understand wanting to intervene before things can get worse. But with this approach, you may never fund out the whole truth.

Exactly.

Sure OP may be able to stop things from happening with this particular woman now, but if her husband would cheat without her intervention she's only delaying the inevitable.

And I say this as someone who has been cheated on many times and who has cheated myself. It wouldn't make me feel better to know my DH only didn't cheat because I acted I treated him like a 5 year old being told he couldn't have candy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how affairs start. Demand he end it now and get to therapy.

OP here- some say this and some say lay low or he’ll get even more secretive. Can’t decide what to do.

Do you feel your marriage needs therapy? If so, propose therapy without focusing on work wife (WW). Focus on making your marriage as strong as possible. Meanwhile keep your eyes open. If you get to a point where you feel safe disclosing worries about WW in therapy, do that. But if you tip your hand now he will just lock everything down.

- Cheated On

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was cheated on. Do not say anything. Stay vigilant.

Either it is nothing or,
Asking about it just makes them hide better.

Are you saying she should find out in a stealthy way? Like hire a PI or use a gps?

Like just keep checking his texts every so often. If there is something between them, it will reveal itself.

It's not about "letting it happen" by not saying anything. You want to know whether he will CHOOSE for it to happen without your intervention and without him knowing that you suspect anything. It's about knowing what he will choose when he thinks no one is watching -- if you want to know his true character.

On the flip side, I fo understand wanting to intervene before things can get worse. But with this approach, you may never fund out the whole truth.