Anonymous
Post 10/09/2019 15:43     Subject: Re:Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Because my AP and I are temporary. She is in the middle of a bad divorce, we are friends first and it's great to have sex again. It will end.

No idea why my wife lost interest and Lord knows we have talked about it for a decade. Not even sure how much she'd care if she caught us. Kids are thriving, finances are great, who throws all that away to chase so pipe dream of Tru Luv


Ha! I wonder why she's in the middle of a bad divorce. Real smart to be sleeping with someone going through that.

Would you care if she caught you, and filed divorce? I'd focus on that.


Are you seriously confused if a normal libido man would rather stay sexlessly married, versus divorce?
His cheating is the only thing saving their marriage. You get that, right?
Your advice for him to "focus on that" makes zero sense.


You're seriously making excuses for a cheater. Delusional.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2019 15:35     Subject: Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?
Anonymous wrote:Men have a higher bar in who can be their wife vs, who can be their AP.

The men who cannot bounce back are the ones where their wives have an affair and leave them. That is truly messed up.


This is not true. Many men marry women that they can control. They married someone who would not challenge them. Tons of men cheat with their colleagues, who are just as savvy as they are, or even more so.

Keep believing in the kool-aid though.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2019 14:50     Subject: Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?
Men have a higher bar in who can be their wife vs, who can be their AP.

The men who cannot bounce back are the ones where their wives have an affair and leave them. That is truly messed up.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2019 14:50     Subject: Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What? Are you dumb? Because divorce costs A LOT OF MONEY and blows up your children’s life! Christ, if I found out my spouse was banging someone from work, divorce would be the absolute last resort FOR ME, the cheated-on spouse. It has nothing to do with “honoring marriage vows” or whatever the f** people on this forum whinge about, and everything to do with keeping a stable family unit for the kids.


If your husband is balls deep in someone other than you, your family unit is not stable.


What is stable about being cheated on???????? NOTHING.


It is far more stable than NOT being cheated on... given that the main cause of cheating is a sexless marriage.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2019 14:48     Subject: Re:Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?
The female AP is just a convenient hole. There is no love story here. Extra-marital sex is a bodily function for men, like taking a dump. + The female AP is willing to do the kind of sex acts that the wife is not willing to - anal, bondage, golden showers...so the man gets his fun in and yet preserve his family. The men certainly do not want to have kids with the female AP.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2019 14:44     Subject: Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?
Anonymous wrote:People who have affairs are working from a different moral compass. They are focused on getting their own needs met, not on avoiding harm or protecting others.

Some love the riskiness of the dual life and thrive on the sneaking around, the lies, the deceit. The thought of getting away with it is a rush.

They don't really care about harm or damage to their spouse or kids or what will happen if they get found out. They are focused inwardly and on getting the attention or validation or sex or rush that cheating gives them.

They don't feel shame or guilt or remorse the same way others do. People with those feelings get divorced. Those who instead get a thrill from cheating, knowing they might blow up their family if caught get excited not guilty - a divorce doesn't bring that rush or thrill.

If they do her caught, they rationalize it, blame it on others, twist the context, manipulate and lie some more.

Life gets boring and mundane, people's moral compass will help determine what they do about it.

I think of cheaters like arsonists. They are playing with fire and matches in the basement of their house. The thrill of playing with fire and the risk of burning the house down is a rush. They know they could burn it down me their spouse / kids could her burned or killed but the thrill of the fire is a stronger pull. Sometimes they realize they have flirted too close to danger, the fire got out of hand, spouse or kids smelled smoke and they pull back for a bit. Other times the pull is too strong and they can't stop themselves and they might the house on fire and tell themselves the thrill of the playing with fire is worth whatever pain or suffering the fire causes.


Bingo.

Anonymous
Post 10/09/2019 14:28     Subject: Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What? Are you dumb? Because divorce costs A LOT OF MONEY and blows up your children’s life! Christ, if I found out my spouse was banging someone from work, divorce would be the absolute last resort FOR ME, the cheated-on spouse. It has nothing to do with “honoring marriage vows” or whatever the f** people on this forum whinge about, and everything to do with keeping a stable family unit for the kids.


If your husband is balls deep in someone other than you, your family unit is not stable.


What is stable about being cheated on???????? NOTHING.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2019 14:15     Subject: Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?
Anonymous wrote:How would a sahm support herself genius?


Why does the WOHM having an affair with a married man at work care about how his SAHM wife supports herself? She should just continue to sleep with the alpha male who makes enough money to support a SAHM and get her jollies!!
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2019 14:04     Subject: Re:Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Because my AP and I are temporary. She is in the middle of a bad divorce, we are friends first and it's great to have sex again. It will end.

No idea why my wife lost interest and Lord knows we have talked about it for a decade. Not even sure how much she'd care if she caught us. Kids are thriving, finances are great, who throws all that away to chase so pipe dream of Tru Luv


Ha! I wonder why she's in the middle of a bad divorce. Real smart to be sleeping with someone going through that.

Would you care if she caught you, and filed divorce? I'd focus on that.


Are you seriously confused if a normal libido man would rather stay sexlessly married, versus divorce?
His cheating is the only thing saving their marriage. You get that, right?
Your advice for him to "focus on that" makes zero sense.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2019 13:51     Subject: Re:Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?
Anonymous wrote:Because my AP and I are temporary. She is in the middle of a bad divorce, we are friends first and it's great to have sex again. It will end.

No idea why my wife lost interest and Lord knows we have talked about it for a decade. Not even sure how much she'd care if she caught us. Kids are thriving, finances are great, who throws all that away to chase so pipe dream of Tru Luv


Ha! I wonder why she's in the middle of a bad divorce. Real smart to be sleeping with someone going through that.

Would you care if she caught you, and filed divorce? I'd focus on that.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2019 13:11     Subject: Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?
Anonymous wrote:Selfishness and a lack of realism. The narrative pushed is one of eternal passion, and parents and families (elders) don’t do enough to model and discuss what mature marriages look like.

I also blame a media milieu so sexualized that our sexuality has become perverted. We are so driven by titillating visuals and so divorced from the sacredness of sex.

There are also so many people so disconnected from themselves that they seek fulfillment and wholeness from outside sources. They lack the capacity for true intimacy - this is probably the underlying cause of most cheating (and other sexually compulsive behavior).

People need healing and self-love before becoming married. Society does a lousy job of supporting marriage/families in general, so it takes an enormous amount of introspection and empathy to get it right.


As someone who has been in therapy with a former cheater, I can say this is all so true.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2019 07:35     Subject: Re:Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?
Because my AP and I are temporary. She is in the middle of a bad divorce, we are friends first and it's great to have sex again. It will end.

No idea why my wife lost interest and Lord knows we have talked about it for a decade. Not even sure how much she'd care if she caught us. Kids are thriving, finances are great, who throws all that away to chase so pipe dream of Tru Luv
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2019 07:22     Subject: Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?
Selfishness and a lack of realism. The narrative pushed is one of eternal passion, and parents and families (elders) don’t do enough to model and discuss what mature marriages look like.

I also blame a media milieu so sexualized that our sexuality has become perverted. We are so driven by titillating visuals and so divorced from the sacredness of sex.

There are also so many people so disconnected from themselves that they seek fulfillment and wholeness from outside sources. They lack the capacity for true intimacy - this is probably the underlying cause of most cheating (and other sexually compulsive behavior).

People need healing and self-love before becoming married. Society does a lousy job of supporting marriage/families in general, so it takes an enormous amount of introspection and empathy to get it right.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2019 06:29     Subject: Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?
Anonymous wrote:
Yes life is tedious. The hot and heavy feelings that occur when you first meet fade significantly after 10, 20, 30 yrs. You won’t ever be able to recreate those sparks with your spouse. But you can create a solid family and a deep friendship built on shared experiences. The problem is that this doesn’t excite people they way a first kiss filled with chemistry does.


This is so true. There is such a deep intimacy you get with someone when you share decades together. Yes lust fades but I wouldn't trade this intimacy for anything. If you cheat you lose that intimacy for good. To share a life together is something quite meaningful.

To op, I've heard reasons such as the kids. This seems to be common.

I know two women who tried to leave the marriage for the AP only to be told by the AP that they didn't want the baggage and it was only just for fun. Both marriages ended up in divorce. The men have moved on and are doing well. The women are still single. Not that this is 100% true for everyone but perhaps people realise that an affair is just that, it's a bad time in their life but most of the marriage and life is ok and they don't want to blow up their whole lives and the stability they do have.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2019 05:49     Subject: Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?
You either:
(1) be open and have an open marriage (financial reasons)
(2) divorce/separate

Anything else is 100000% pure cowardice.