Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I can give you the flip side. I developed what became a life long eating disorder at 14 (eating disorders are a form of addictive behavior that you never really "get over" completely but you can learn to manage it to live functionally). At that time, it was really really bad. I'm 5'7 and I got down to ~ 90 lbs. Looking back on it now, I probably should have gone into an inpatient facility but there were none around where we lived. Therapists specializing in eating disorders were also nonexistent.

I really needed my mom at that time but she had just gone back to work at a very intense, time consuming job.

I'm sorry this happened to you. That was about your particular mom and your particular dynamic with your mom, not about the fact that she worked.

My point is that many teens have mental health issues and need their parents at that age. She went back to work when I was 13 because they needed the money. But ideally she would have stayed home with us during those years because her kids could have benefited from it.

My younger brother also got into a lot of trouble (drinking, drugs, girls) in those years. It can't even be blamed on me and my issues because I was away at college by the time he was in middle school.

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor is a SAHM. Her teens are into a lot of EC activities at a high competitive level and she manages all the logistics. Really depends on what your family needs are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I can give you the flip side. I developed what became a life long eating disorder at 14 (eating disorders are a form of addictive behavior that you never really "get over" completely but you can learn to manage it to live functionally). At that time, it was really really bad. I'm 5'7 and I got down to ~ 90 lbs. Looking back on it now, I probably should have gone into an inpatient facility but there were none around where we lived. Therapists specializing in eating disorders were also nonexistent.

I really needed my mom at that time but she had just gone back to work at a very intense, time consuming job.

I'm sorry this happened to you. That was about your particular mom and your particular dynamic with your mom, not about the fact that she worked.

Anonymous wrote:Well I can give you the flip side. I developed what became a life long eating disorder at 14 (eating disorders are a form of addictive behavior that you never really "get over" completely but you can learn to manage it to live functionally). At that time, it was really really bad. I'm 5'7 and I got down to ~ 90 lbs. Looking back on it now, I probably should have gone into an inpatient facility but there were none around where we lived. Therapists specializing in eating disorders were also nonexistent.

I really needed my mom at that time but she had just gone back to work at a very intense, time consuming job.

Anonymous wrote:DP here.

I am so sick and tired of seeing the same arguments on DCUM. have high achieving, self motivated, independent kids in highly selective STEM magnet programs in public high school. We are DC MC, 300k HHI, have retirement and college squared away.

DH and I are in agreement that with this kind of affluence (maybe in our own mind...since we are not wearing Prada), our teens are better served to have a highly educated mom available to them 24/7.

A lot of parents work very hard and I am very impressed with them. I have a cushy life and my kids and family get me as their support. I am lucky that my stress level is low and that I am ok financially. I do not need to be super rich with lots of money and very little time. I am ok with a comfortable lifestyle with ample time and a MC lifestyle. Maybe I do not have any ambition. I have my hobbies and causes, and only the people who don't know me are flapping their hands that I need to find my calling. My calling is to be able to leverage the money that my DH earns and build a comfortable, balanced and secure life for my family.

Do my kids need me? Yup. Without a doubt. More now than when they were babies? Well, I am not changing their diapers or nursing them on demand, but it has given them an edge to have an educated personal assistant on their beck and call, so that they are on the straight and narrow, secure and healthy, and meeting their social, emotional, health, academic goals. Yes, we are doing everything by ourselves and not paying money to get admitted to elite colleges, but, so what? We are immigrants, Asians, no hook, not legacy, but we are educated, with intact family, without health problems and can figure out the rest of things if we continue to be lucky.

If you and your kids do not need a parent at home then good for you. Maybe, most of you are super parents who can do it all? Great marriages, great health, great high achieving straight A kids, super organized homes, pillars of society, amazing careers where you are indispensable, high earners, globe trotting influencers and Illuminati? I am neither that high energy nor that ambitious for myself or my kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People keep referring to "staying at home WITH their teens" but most teens aren't home during the day. And most WOHMs are home during the evenings when the teens are home.

Yea, I don't get it. Maybe they homeschool?

I'm not SAHM, but both DH and I WAH 80% of the time. We never see our teens. They leave the house at 9am and return after sports practice at 530 (loudoun county, school gets out just before 4pm).

By the time the kids walk through the door DH is dinner and I'm doing whaterver needs done around the house.

I'm honestly confused. I get wanting to not work and relax during the day. Maybe exercise, see friends, clean, shop, have a hobby, but not sure how SAH, unless you homeschool, is being there for you kids anymore than your spouse or anyone else.

Well, as PP stated, SAHM are the "personal assistants" for their teens. Washes and presses clothes, tidies up the room, cleans all sports equipment, does research for the History paper, compiles a list of colleges to visit or apply to, figures out which extracurriculars will get them accepted to said colleges, schedules SAT tutoring appointments, schedules car maintenance appointments for their car, thinks deeply about all social and academic problems they are facing and what they should do. The SAHM's teens naturally get an "edge" from this concierge service and will likely go to Harvard or MIT.

That is exactly the plan. Hopefully our kids will continue to be competitive and excel academically in these highly selective colleges. SAT tutoring? That is very basic level of support and acceleration.
Providing such concierge service has till now been very beneficial for our kids. But, it could have been that our kids were extremely bright anyways and would have excelled even without my attention? I see many parents spend money on tutors and prep and their kids are still doing average, so natural intelligence does play a part. Anyways, my intervention with my own kids have been fruitful and worthwhile till now regardless of mediocre curriculum and instruction.

I'm a SAHM and you are smoking crack.

This woman does not speak for all SAHMs! She is a black hawk helicopter and it is doubtful her kids can make their way out of a paper bag.

Black Hawk? No. Black Hawk went down!! I am more like an Apache...reliable, deadly and with a proven record. A whole lot better than the Chinook and Huey of yesteryears, though respect to them too. Do I speak for all SAHMs or WOHMs? No. I am not raising their kids to be successful, high performing and well adjusted, am I?

Anonymous wrote:DP here.

I am so sick and tired of seeing the same arguments on DCUM. have high achieving, self motivated, independent kids in highly selective STEM magnet programs in public high school. We are DC MC, 300k HHI, have retirement and college squared away.

DH and I are in agreement that with this kind of affluence (maybe in our own mind...since we are not wearing Prada), our teens are better served to have a highly educated mom available to them 24/7.

A lot of parents work very hard and I am very impressed with them. I have a cushy life and my kids and family get me as their support. I am lucky that my stress level is low and that I am ok financially. I do not need to be super rich with lots of money and very little time. I am ok with a comfortable lifestyle with ample time and a MC lifestyle. Maybe I do not have any ambition. I have my hobbies and causes, and only the people who don't know me are flapping their hands that I need to find my calling. My calling is to be able to leverage the money that my DH earns and build a comfortable, balanced and secure life for my family.

Do my kids need me? Yup. Without a doubt. More now than when they were babies? Well, I am not changing their diapers or nursing them on demand, but it has given them an edge to have an educated personal assistant on their beck and call, so that they are on the straight and narrow, secure and healthy, and meeting their social, emotional, health, academic goals. Yes, we are doing everything by ourselves and not paying money to get admitted to elite colleges, but, so what? We are immigrants, Asians, no hook, not legacy, but we are educated, with intact family, without health problems and can figure out the rest of things if we continue to be lucky.

If you and your kids do not need a parent at home then good for you. Maybe, most of you are super parents who can do it all? Great marriages, great health, great high achieving straight A kids, super organized homes, pillars of society, amazing careers where you are indispensable, high earners, globe trotting influencers and Illuminati? I am neither that high energy nor that ambitious for myself or my kids.

Anonymous wrote:My wife relished being a SAHM, and never took on additional work even as all the kids grew up and flew the coop. For some reason when I retired early at 56 and began a great, carefree, happy, healthy existence that mirrored hers, she made it clear that my life of leisure was somehow undeserved. And I think there is a certain amount of sexist hypocrisy that many SAHMs embrace, that what’s good for the gander is somehow too luxurious for the goose.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People keep referring to "staying at home WITH their teens" but most teens aren't home during the day. And most WOHMs are home during the evenings when the teens are home.

Yea, I don't get it. Maybe they homeschool?

I'm not SAHM, but both DH and I WAH 80% of the time. We never see our teens. They leave the house at 9am and return after sports practice at 530 (loudoun county, school gets out just before 4pm).

By the time the kids walk through the door DH is dinner and I'm doing whaterver needs done around the house.

I'm honestly confused. I get wanting to not work and relax during the day. Maybe exercise, see friends, clean, shop, have a hobby, but not sure how SAH, unless you homeschool, is being there for you kids anymore than your spouse or anyone else.

Well, as PP stated, SAHM are the "personal assistants" for their teens. Washes and presses clothes, tidies up the room, cleans all sports equipment, does research for the History paper, compiles a list of colleges to visit or apply to, figures out which extracurriculars will get them accepted to said colleges, schedules SAT tutoring appointments, schedules car maintenance appointments for their car, thinks deeply about all social and academic problems they are facing and what they should do. The SAHM's teens naturally get an "edge" from this concierge service and will likely go to Harvard or MIT.

That is exactly the plan. Hopefully our kids will continue to be competitive and excel academically in these highly selective colleges. SAT tutoring? That is very basic level of support and acceleration.
Providing such concierge service has till now been very beneficial for our kids. But, it could have been that our kids were extremely bright anyways and would have excelled even without my attention? I see many parents spend money on tutors and prep and their kids are still doing average, so natural intelligence does play a part. Anyways, my intervention with my own kids have been fruitful and worthwhile till now regardless of mediocre curriculum and instruction.

I'm a SAHM and you are smoking crack.

This woman does not speak for all SAHMs! She is a black hawk helicopter and it is doubtful her kids can make their way out of a paper bag.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People keep referring to "staying at home WITH their teens" but most teens aren't home during the day. And most WOHMs are home during the evenings when the teens are home.

Yea, I don't get it. Maybe they homeschool?

I'm not SAHM, but both DH and I WAH 80% of the time. We never see our teens. They leave the house at 9am and return after sports practice at 530 (loudoun county, school gets out just before 4pm).

By the time the kids walk through the door DH is dinner and I'm doing whaterver needs done around the house.

I'm honestly confused. I get wanting to not work and relax during the day. Maybe exercise, see friends, clean, shop, have a hobby, but not sure how SAH, unless you homeschool, is being there for you kids anymore than your spouse or anyone else.

Anonymous wrote:My mother was active in the community, volunteering, junior league, church groups. She was also a serious gardener. In my high school years I don't recall her being overly involved in my life. She put food on the table and ensured we ate healthily, but I had to clean my own room. Her kids all played sports but the schools we attended took care of the transportation to games. Sometimes she turned out for the matches, sometimes she didn't. Looking back, she was very good as a moral anchor and did a great job providing guidance while encouraging independence. She may have not worked but her life was not just about her husband or children either.