Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My mother developed multiple sclerosis at 26, a few years after she started seeing my father. He has been taking good care of her for the past 44 years.

Here's the thing with debilitating chronic disease: it does something to the patient. They need to psychologically protect themselves from the fact that they are a burden to their caretakers. So they can become self-centered, demanding, and unwilling to sympathize with their caretakers' troubles. This is an unconscious and natural development, but it can be tough to manage.

You’ve posted this before. Can you point to the reputable sources that say this, or is this what you observed in a handful of situations you have personally encountered?

I'm interested in that too. I have certainly seen that as well. In some cases I haven't seen that but every chronically sick person that I know has definitely had a personality change and not for the better. There is something about being sick, in pain and dependent that really does a number on people.

Geez. I’m the single childless poster who posted about in sickness and in health. I’m a 43 year old female and my boyfriend (and most of the guys who tend to ask me out) and mid to late forties. Should I just not get married? This thread is making me think maybe so! I have a pretty good net worth (around five million) and this thread is making me think my husband would just ditch me if I got sick and suck up all my resources if he gets sick.

I am on the other side of this. I do not have a terminal illness diagnosed right now, but my muscle weaknesses and becoming more frail by the day is leading my doctors and me to that conclusion. I DO NOT want to burden my fantastic wife with this. She has been by me through little thick and very thin, we have been together through my divorce and our growing our family for almost 30 years now, about every minute of the day. I do not want her to feel that she has to care for me, but I also know I only have one other option. She is not the type to leave, she will do everything for me if I want. How do I let her know its OK to NOT be that person, that I want her to be happy and continue to do what I no longer can (go to movies, dance, all the fun stuff we did together?) I do not want to commit suicide, because I do not want to abandon her, but what is there to do?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in, the vows of "in sickness and in health".
Ultimately it's your life and how you choose to deal with a dying spouse. But lets not fool ourself by calling it a gray area. Instead it's being a weasel.

May it never happen to you. I hope you find the strength of your convictions if it does.

Ill spouse = Giving up all your dreams. $$$ problems. Probably no sex, no sleep, little affection. If you had a promising career, say goodbye to it. Your kids will basically be reared by a single parent (hello, that's you). You will end up making all hard decisions by yourself. You will have nobody to rely on but yourself. Spouse, if illness is the long and incurable chronic kind, will end up resentful, jealous and self-centered.
I do not fault the previous poster for having found solace with someone else and I even think his wife probably understood.

Yet many wives in the same position do not do this.

Many wives in the same position do this.

Of course they do. I met one who had done this and understood. It's certainly not gender specific.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in, the vows of "in sickness and in health".
Ultimately it's your life and how you choose to deal with a dying spouse. But lets not fool ourself by calling it a gray area. Instead it's being a weasel.

May it never happen to you. I hope you find the strength of your convictions if it does.

Ill spouse = Giving up all your dreams. $$$ problems. Probably no sex, no sleep, little affection. If you had a promising career, say goodbye to it. Your kids will basically be reared by a single parent (hello, that's you). You will end up making all hard decisions by yourself. You will have nobody to rely on but yourself. Spouse, if illness is the long and incurable chronic kind, will end up resentful, jealous and self-centered.
I do not fault the previous poster for having found solace with someone else and I even think his wife probably understood.

Yes, all of that. And a spouses illness, even with good insurance, can leave you bankrupt. People will often just ship the spouse off to hospice care and let them deal with it while "visiting" occasionally. Not everyone will just take leave of their jobs for some indefinite period and care for their spouse at home nearly 24/7 as I did. And yes, I had help come in now and then or I'd have never got through it. I have no medical training but at that point you are their doctor, even giving shots. And all the rest. I don't wish it on any of you, even the most judgmental of you. It was not my idea to see someone else for a few hours, now and then. I never even hinted at such a thing.

Anonymous wrote:I guess it would depend. I know a few people that had to stay with their on/off cheating spouse. In those cases if the cheater got sick I would use that time to enjoy my life. Otherwise, one should be there for their spouse sickness or health. Yes that includes changing their diapers...or hiring someone if need be.

I changed the diapers and everything else, right until the very end. Believe me, diapers are the least of it. I also carved out an hour or so for me, at the insistence of my spouse, until about that last 2 months or so when I never left their side. You really have no idea.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in, the vows of "in sickness and in health".
Ultimately it's your life and how you choose to deal with a dying spouse. But lets not fool ourself by calling it a gray area. Instead it's being a weasel.

May it never happen to you. I hope you find the strength of your convictions if it does.

Ill spouse = Giving up all your dreams. $$$ problems. Probably no sex, no sleep, little affection. If you had a promising career, say goodbye to it. Your kids will basically be reared by a single parent (hello, that's you). You will end up making all hard decisions by yourself. You will have nobody to rely on but yourself. Spouse, if illness is the long and incurable chronic kind, will end up resentful, jealous and self-centered.
I do not fault the previous poster for having found solace with someone else and I even think his wife probably understood.

Yet many wives in the same position do not do this.

Many wives in the same position do this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in, the vows of "in sickness and in health".
Ultimately it's your life and how you choose to deal with a dying spouse. But lets not fool ourself by calling it a gray area. Instead it's being a weasel.

May it never happen to you. I hope you find the strength of your convictions if it does.

Ill spouse = Giving up all your dreams. $$$ problems. Probably no sex, no sleep, little affection. If you had a promising career, say goodbye to it. Your kids will basically be reared by a single parent (hello, that's you). You will end up making all hard decisions by yourself. You will have nobody to rely on but yourself. Spouse, if illness is the long and incurable chronic kind, will end up resentful, jealous and self-centered.
I do not fault the previous poster for having found solace with someone else and I even think his wife probably understood.

Yet many wives in the same position do not do this.

Anonymous wrote:I thought one of the whole points of being married was in sick and in health. What is this? I’m single at 41 and one of the reasons is that I’ve never gotten married despite several boyfriends wanting to marry me is that I’ve never liked someone enough to take care of him if he did get really sick or paralyzed. Actually, there was one guy, but he didn’t want to marry me , so....

Taking care of your sick spouse is supposed to be part of the deal.

Of course. But now life is extended well past viable life. Just like marriage has extended past it's shelf date. I don't advocate leaving an ill spouse, but it is a huge burden to bear.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in, the vows of "in sickness and in health".
Ultimately it's your life and how you choose to deal with a dying spouse. But lets not fool ourself by calling it a gray area. Instead it's being a weasel.

May it never happen to you. I hope you find the strength of your convictions if it does.

Ill spouse = Giving up all your dreams. $$$ problems. Probably no sex, no sleep, little affection. If you had a promising career, say goodbye to it. Your kids will basically be reared by a single parent (hello, that's you). You will end up making all hard decisions by yourself. You will have nobody to rely on but yourself. Spouse, if illness is the long and incurable chronic kind, will end up resentful, jealous and self-centered.
I do not fault the previous poster for having found solace with someone else and I even think his wife probably understood.