Anonymous wrote:Skipping a close relative’s funeral is only acceptable under a small handful of circumstances:
—You will lose your job if you miss work. Most employers aren’t that heartless, but if yours is, you might want to start looking for a new job anyway.
—Your health will be compromised by the travel. The bereaved willunderstand. But don’t claim the drive is too arduous and then next week post photos of you waterskiing.
—You we’re abused by the deceased. No explanation is needed. Do what is best for your healing. BTDT. I got through a grandmother’s funeral in a disassociative state that everyone thought was grief. Never again.

Who made you the master of manners?

Anonymous wrote:It's not selfish. I don't need to attend a funeral to show "respect." No one is required to attend a funeral. This is doubly true if they are uncomfortable in that setting. Many people are. Traditional funerals are depressing and creepy. I am one who doesn't want the last memory I have of the person to be in that setting. And there is nothing wrong with that.

There is nothing helpful to anyone at a funeral that can't be provided outside that setting: cards, flowers, bringing meals, taking family members out, helping with other tasks.

I get that people feel differently about the purpose of the event and what an individual takes out of it, but that is not the case for everyone. And it doesn't mean it's "selfish."

I completely agree with this person.

Anonymous wrote:It is selfish. You’re only going because you don’t want to. That’s your prerogative but you can’t expect people won’t think you’re selfish when you’re selfish. You have every right not to go but you need to accept that it does look bad and people will think so.

Correction. It is your OPINION OP is selfish. I don't have an issue with OP's decision. It is not a fact OP is selfish because we disagree-we have differen perspectives. It is my opinion you are being overly judgmental and you need to stop being so rigid. OP you don't need our permission to do what works for you and your family. There are some judgmental negative nellies on here. You can respect those who have passed away by honoring their memory in a way that works for you. You can send condolences in a way that works for you to. If the person who passed away was a kind-hearted soul then mostly the person would be very upset with anyone who pressured you to do anything that you didn't really want to do.

Anonymous wrote:NP here. My uncle just died. I can’t afford plane tickets right now. Am I awful? I was going to send flowers

Send flowers. I disagree with these nit pickers. Not everyone can afford financially to go to all the funerals you expect them to and not everyone wants to deal with the emotional hangover. Live and let live. I certainly hope when I die people don't make themselves miserable or spend money they can't afford to come. I will be dead. Just remember me well and do a cheers in the air when you have a spiked coffee or hear some fun music. Done. No need to win the approval of the missy manners police. That stuff was written back when people had stable jobs that didn't require insane work hours and the majority of women were SAHMs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it unacceptable to not go to a close relatives funeral who died of old age? I hate funerals. I know for some people it helps them mourn and get closure, but for me they just creep me out. It's not how I want to remember the deceased. Other people view funerals differently and emotions can run high during mourning. I'm concerned family members will think I'm selfish for not attending.

They will think you are selfish because you are selfish. The funeral isn't about you, but about the entire family. Are you part of the family by choice?

I.Don't.Care. what you think. I have a fundamental difference of opinion about the need, desire, and purpose of a funeral. i can support my family before and after the funeral. And that will be more helpful than a single day. So, you and and I have very different definitions of what is selfish.

You folks keep saying the funeral isn't about you. Well, it isn't about you either. It's supposed to be about the deceased. And he or she doesn't know I"m not there.

Op, do you really worry about family believing you are selfish? There is a fundamental difference of opinion here and I’m wondering why you should care about the opinion of someone who would hold a grudge about your attendance? Is that even the kind of person you want to have around you?

My fil didn’t attend his son’s funeral and I looked down on him for it, felt he could have sucked up his lame excuses but I also know he was hit so hard by the pain it was likely crippling. It took some time but I don’t look down on him for that now.

I'm the poster you're responding to and not the OP. I don't really worry about it, frankly. But, just trying to give the other side of the issue. It's not just that funerals are "creepy", some are not. I tend to prefer the "celebrations of life" for that reason. That is going to be my lasting memory of the deceased. And a funeral home environment with open casket and lots of depressing moments is not how I choose to remember the deceased. I was traumatized by that as a kid. And I'm just not going to do it in the vast majority of cases.

I get people don't get it, like it, understand it, think it's selfish, etc. etc. I'm explaining my and others' position. I'm not trying to please them. As many of those posters have been so quick to say, it's not about them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it unacceptable to not go to a close relatives funeral who died of old age? I hate funerals. I know for some people it helps them mourn and get closure, but for me they just creep me out. It's not how I want to remember the deceased. Other people view funerals differently and emotions can run high during mourning. I'm concerned family members will think I'm selfish for not attending.

They will think you are selfish because you are selfish. The funeral isn't about you, but about the entire family. Are you part of the family by choice?

I.Don't.Care. what you think. I have a fundamental difference of opinion about the need, desire, and purpose of a funeral. i can support my family before and after the funeral. And that will be more helpful than a single day. So, you and and I have very different definitions of what is selfish.

You folks keep saying the funeral isn't about you. Well, it isn't about you either. It's supposed to be about the deceased. And he or she doesn't know I"m not there.

Op, do you really worry about family believing you are selfish? There is a fundamental difference of opinion here and I’m wondering why you should care about the opinion of someone who would hold a grudge about your attendance? Is that even the kind of person you want to have around you?

My fil didn’t attend his son’s funeral and I looked down on him for it, felt he could have sucked up his lame excuses but I also know he was hit so hard by the pain it was likely crippling. It took some time but I don’t look down on him for that now.

I don't think it's rude. I think you should go if it's your child, parent, sibling or grandparents. The rest all depends on circumstances like how far away you live, plane tickets, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not selfish. I don't need to attend a funeral to show "respect." No one is required to attend a funeral. This is doubly true if they are uncomfortable in that setting. Many people are. Traditional funerals are depressing and creepy. I am one who doesn't want the last memory I have of the person to be in that setting. And there is nothing wrong with that.

There is nothing helpful to anyone at a funeral that can't be provided outside that setting: cards, flowers, bringing meals, taking family members out, helping with other tasks.

I get that people feel differently about the purpose of the event and what an individual takes out of it, but that is not the case for everyone. And it doesn't mean it's "selfish."

A general life rule is to attend all funerals unless there's a reason you cannot.

Dad?
I swear that man is a funeral staple. Since I can remember he would attend several funerals a year driving for hours sometimes.

On a couple of occasions I've had to choose between flying across the country to say goodbye to someone on their deathbed or flying out a week later for their funeral. On both occasions, I chose to fly out to say goodbye while the person was still alive.

For my grandmother, I was there when she slipped into a coma, when they removed life support, and when the pastor held a small bedside service after she passed. I sat with my dad, aunts, and grandfather for three days at her bedside telling stories. I didn't fly out again a week later for the funeral. I had said my goodbyes and given my support. OP, if you can't handle a funeral, figure out how else to be there for your family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. My uncle just died. I can’t afford plane tickets right now. Am I awful? I was going to send flowers

No. People will understand this reason.

+1

OP your responses here haven't helped your case. For grandparents, unless the relationship was super toxic or something, you go.

Anonymous wrote:NP here. My uncle just died. I can’t afford plane tickets right now. Am I awful? I was going to send flowers

No. People will understand this reason.

It is your choice to choose if you wish to attend or not.
Some people think it's better to remember the person alive and not go, that's fine. Yes you will offend people but your life, your choice. People should stop paying attention to what others think.

NP here. My uncle just died. I can’t afford plane tickets right now. Am I awful? I was going to send flowers

You sound like my sister. Yes, it would be totally disrespectful not to attend.