Anonymous
06/20/2019 16:40
Subject: Re:Parents being pushy about staying at our new house
Anonymous wrote:OP here with some comments:
- Regarding what my mom has said that’s upset DW, some examples are that my mom said “our wedding wasn’t important,” and she called DW “my girlfriend” (after we’d been married for over a year). These aren’t the only two examples, but two of the issues that come to mind. Generally speaking, my mom is pushy and kinda rude at times, and I know that rubs DW the wrong way.A few months ago, I had a come to Jesus talk with my mom about this stuff (at DWs request), and since then, things have been better, but DW specifically requested that they not stay over at our house on this trip, so I’m trying not to rock the boat.
- DWs parents live 20 minutes away, so they wouldn’t ever stay over. FWIW, we haven’t had any overnight guests in the 8 months that we’ve lived in our house.
Convenient that your wife never needs to ask her own parents to get a hotel. You married a super B, OP!
Anonymous
06/20/2019 16:21
Subject: Re:Parents being pushy about staying at our new house
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:As I invest my energy into nurturing my sons, it makes me wonder if it's worthwhile to pour all my tears and sweat into assholes like you who won't even tolerate me for a weekend. Seriously, people. Be kind to your parents!
Save some of that energy into investing and nurturing your relationship with your future DIL and you should be fine! Fingers crossed.
+1
Anonymous
06/20/2019 16:17
Subject: Re:Parents being pushy about staying at our new house
Anonymous wrote:As I invest my energy into nurturing my sons, it makes me wonder if it's worthwhile to pour all my tears and sweat into assholes like you who won't even tolerate me for a weekend. Seriously, people. Be kind to your parents!
Save some of that energy into investing and nurturing your relationship with your future DIL and you should be fine! Fingers crossed.
Anonymous
06/20/2019 16:11
Subject: Parents being pushy about staying at our new house
OP I knew you should never have mentioned the things your mother said. Unless she was ripping your wife's hair out, people would be quick to brush them off and bring out the pitchforks against your wife.
You say you spoke to your mother and things have improved (according to whom? You? Your mother? Or does your wife feel like things have improved? It matters.). Can't you tell your mother that you and your wife (don't make her the villain) aren't ready to have guests yet? Maybe your wife just wants to enjoy that new house smell and feel without having her teeth set on edge by your mother's less than innocent comments.
Pick a side and stick to it. Unless you see your marriage as temporary, you have a lot more of these battles coming.
You say you spoke to your mother and things have improved (according to whom? You? Your mother? Or does your wife feel like things have improved? It matters.). Can't you tell your mother that you and your wife (don't make her the villain) aren't ready to have guests yet? Maybe your wife just wants to enjoy that new house smell and feel without having her teeth set on edge by your mother's less than innocent comments.
Pick a side and stick to it. Unless you see your marriage as temporary, you have a lot more of these battles coming.
Anonymous
06/20/2019 15:55
Subject: Re:Parents being pushy about staying at our new house
Anonymous wrote:It is unkind not to let parents to stay with you. Not liking parent is not a good reason. A parent is a parent. They raised both of you, each of you have set of parents and unless there is no truly gigantic reason not to have them over then just sheer not liking is not one of them on my book. Every relationship needs opportunity to grow and when you are together you will have this opportunity. If you think you need to "put up" with the parent or parents, then put up with them. They had to put up with you for decades, and pay for your needs and brought you up. Your wife has no idea how much it must hurt your mother and nether do you, that you are talking about this like it was a business arrangement.
Loving or liking is optional, paying dues is a moral obligation. If the mom would be man, straightforward mean to your wife then this is an issue, separate. But if they just don't hug and leack eachother faces, that is not a problem.
You have to consider that your mom just like you one day probably think that nobody is good enough for her child.
You both just have to step down from the high horses and live a little and relate a little to other person's feelings and expectances that are grounded in work invested over the years. Your wife however wonderful probably did not do as much for you as your mom, and wives do come and go and you have only one set of parents.
Do not disrespect your wife, but do not trash your parents to please her either. You need to find a solid ground and put your foot down. Fair is fair. You need to discuss with your wife where you coming from, where your mom is coming from and you need to remind her gently what it takes to raise a child. Day in and day out, all the things that are invested in raising a child. It is NOT too much to ask to stay at your home.
You would break your mom's heart and it takes so much to mend such a break. Do not do that for anyone for such a frivolous reason.
If your parents will visit many times and at one point things will go hairy then you might consider some alternative arrangements but not from a get go when you have a new house and your parents are so excited to celebrate it with you at your new place. On my book you depraving something they earned hard fair and square.
Omfg this is overkill. Some of you ppl are insane. Cut the cord, lady! I’m raising children, I know what a slog it is day in and day out, and I will insist that my children have me stay in whatever lodging they prefer when they are grown. Good grief, OP and his wife aren’t keeping her from visiting, the wife just doesn’t want to be subjected to MILs critical comments at the end of the day while they kick it in their nighties. Contrary to the chorus of “grow ups” uttered on this thread, I think it’s a sign of maturity to set some boundaries with your parents/siblings when they don’t jive with the new family you’re creating. That said, OP needs to actually come out and say it instead of offering up BS excuses.
Anonymous
06/20/2019 15:49
Subject: Re:Parents being pushy about staying at our new house
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here with some comments:
- Regarding what my mom has said that’s upset DW, some examples are that my mom said “our wedding wasn’t important,” and she called DW “my girlfriend” (after we’d been married for over a year). These aren’t the only two examples, but two of the issues that come to mind. Generally speaking, my mom is pushy and kinda rude at times, and I know that rubs DW the wrong way.A few months ago, I had a come to Jesus talk with my mom about this stuff (at DWs request), and since then, things have been better, but DW specifically requested that they not stay over at our house on this trip, so I’m trying not to rock the boat.
- DWs parents live 20 minutes away, so they wouldn’t ever stay over. FWIW, we haven’t had any overnight guests in the 8 months that we’ve lived in our house.
In other words you want to punish your parents for the fact that they don't live 20 minutes away and for the fact that you had not have overnight guests for the last 8 months????
Also, what your mother did is relatively small potatoes, it might indicate that your mom does not like your wife, or that she just is a little angry or can not let go something.. but this is not the reason to turn the cavalcade on her!
You have a long life to learn more about the relationship diplomacy and this is a good start. Mom is an older person, you both need to chill a little and grow a forgiving bone not to sharpen the knives!
I don’t blame DW for not wanting someone rude and actively dismissive of her existence staying in her home. Mom needs to shape up before she ruins a young marriage.
Anonymous
06/20/2019 15:20
Subject: Re:Parents being pushy about staying at our new house
I see this has been going on for pages and pages, has anyone told MIL that they prefer she stay at a hotel?
Also stop accepting expensive gifts from your mother, OP, that’s not appropriate for the boundaries you are setting imo.
Also stop accepting expensive gifts from your mother, OP, that’s not appropriate for the boundaries you are setting imo.
Anonymous
06/20/2019 15:16
Subject: Re:Parents being pushy about staying at our new house
Anonymous wrote:OP here with some comments:
- Regarding what my mom has said that’s upset DW, some examples are that my mom said “our wedding wasn’t important,” and she called DW “my girlfriend” (after we’d been married for over a year). These aren’t the only two examples, but two of the issues that come to mind. Generally speaking, my mom is pushy and kinda rude at times, and I know that rubs DW the wrong way.A few months ago, I had a come to Jesus talk with my mom about this stuff (at DWs request), and since then, things have been better, but DW specifically requested that they not stay over at our house on this trip, so I’m trying not to rock the boat.
- DWs parents live 20 minutes away, so they wouldn’t ever stay over. FWIW, we haven’t had any overnight guests in the 8 months that we’ve lived in our house.
In other words you want to punish your parents for the fact that they don't live 20 minutes away and for the fact that you had not have overnight guests for the last 8 months????
Also, what your mother did is relatively small potatoes, it might indicate that your mom does not like your wife, or that she just is a little angry or can not let go something.. but this is not the reason to turn the cavalcade on her!
You have a long life to learn more about the relationship diplomacy and this is a good start. Mom is an older person, you both need to chill a little and grow a forgiving bone not to sharpen the knives!
Anonymous
06/20/2019 15:14
Subject: Parents being pushy about staying at our new house
20 minutes away makes the trundle bed thing even worse. Sounds like they want to help decorate.
Anonymous
06/20/2019 15:13
Subject: Parents being pushy about staying at our new house
If they live 20 minutes away why do they want to stay over?
Anonymous
06/20/2019 15:08
Subject: Re:Parents being pushy about staying at our new house
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here with some comments:
- Regarding what my mom has said that’s upset DW, some examples are that my mom said “our wedding wasn’t important,” and she called DW “my girlfriend” (after we’d been married for over a year). These aren’t the only two examples, but two of the issues that come to mind. Generally speaking, my mom is pushy and kinda rude at times, and I know that rubs DW the wrong way.A few months ago, I had a come to Jesus talk with my mom about this stuff (at DWs request), and since then, things have been better, but DW specifically requested that they not stay over at our house on this trip, so I’m trying not to rock the boat.
- DWs parents live 20 minutes away, so they wouldn’t ever stay over. FWIW, we haven’t had any overnight guests in the 8 months that we’ve lived in our house.
Seriously -- your wife is a bit oversensitive and you are a pushover
None of the bolded is relevant.
Anonymous
06/20/2019 15:07
Subject: Re:Parents being pushy about staying at our new house
It is unkind not to let parents to stay with you. Not liking parent is not a good reason. A parent is a parent. They raised both of you, each of you have set of parents and unless there is no truly gigantic reason not to have them over then just sheer not liking is not one of them on my book. Every relationship needs opportunity to grow and when you are together you will have this opportunity. If you think you need to "put up" with the parent or parents, then put up with them. They had to put up with you for decades, and pay for your needs and brought you up. Your wife has no idea how much it must hurt your mother and nether do you, that you are talking about this like it was a business arrangement.
Loving or liking is optional, paying dues is a moral obligation. If the mom would be man, straightforward mean to your wife then this is an issue, separate. But if they just don't hug and leack eachother faces, that is not a problem.
You have to consider that your mom just like you one day probably think that nobody is good enough for her child.
You both just have to step down from the high horses and live a little and relate a little to other person's feelings and expectances that are grounded in work invested over the years. Your wife however wonderful probably did not do as much for you as your mom, and wives do come and go and you have only one set of parents.
Do not disrespect your wife, but do not trash your parents to please her either. You need to find a solid ground and put your foot down. Fair is fair. You need to discuss with your wife where you coming from, where your mom is coming from and you need to remind her gently what it takes to raise a child. Day in and day out, all the things that are invested in raising a child. It is NOT too much to ask to stay at your home.
You would break your mom's heart and it takes so much to mend such a break. Do not do that for anyone for such a frivolous reason.
If your parents will visit many times and at one point things will go hairy then you might consider some alternative arrangements but not from a get go when you have a new house and your parents are so excited to celebrate it with you at your new place. On my book you depraving something they earned hard fair and square.
Loving or liking is optional, paying dues is a moral obligation. If the mom would be man, straightforward mean to your wife then this is an issue, separate. But if they just don't hug and leack eachother faces, that is not a problem.
You have to consider that your mom just like you one day probably think that nobody is good enough for her child.
You both just have to step down from the high horses and live a little and relate a little to other person's feelings and expectances that are grounded in work invested over the years. Your wife however wonderful probably did not do as much for you as your mom, and wives do come and go and you have only one set of parents.
Do not disrespect your wife, but do not trash your parents to please her either. You need to find a solid ground and put your foot down. Fair is fair. You need to discuss with your wife where you coming from, where your mom is coming from and you need to remind her gently what it takes to raise a child. Day in and day out, all the things that are invested in raising a child. It is NOT too much to ask to stay at your home.
You would break your mom's heart and it takes so much to mend such a break. Do not do that for anyone for such a frivolous reason.
If your parents will visit many times and at one point things will go hairy then you might consider some alternative arrangements but not from a get go when you have a new house and your parents are so excited to celebrate it with you at your new place. On my book you depraving something they earned hard fair and square.
Anonymous
06/20/2019 15:04
Subject: Re:Parents being pushy about staying at our new house
Anonymous wrote:OP here with some comments:
- Regarding what my mom has said that’s upset DW, some examples are that my mom said “our wedding wasn’t important,” and she called DW “my girlfriend” (after we’d been married for over a year). These aren’t the only two examples, but two of the issues that come to mind. Generally speaking, my mom is pushy and kinda rude at times, and I know that rubs DW the wrong way.A few months ago, I had a come to Jesus talk with my mom about this stuff (at DWs request), and since then, things have been better, but DW specifically requested that they not stay over at our house on this trip, so I’m trying not to rock the boat.
- DWs parents live 20 minutes away, so they wouldn’t ever stay over. FWIW, we haven’t had any overnight guests in the 8 months that we’ve lived in our house.
Seriously -- your wife is a bit oversensitive and you are a pushover
Anonymous
06/20/2019 15:01
Subject: Parents being pushy about staying at our new house
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If your parents can't stay NEITHER can hers.
You can't play favorites, if she wants it this way then she can't have her parents stay either.
Either they all can or none can.
Maybe her parents are respectful, don’t insult them, are actually helpful around the house rather than making more work, understand boundaries, and wouldn’t dream of inviting themselves over let alone insisting on it.
But if they’re equally rude and annoying then yes, they should get equal treatment.
I suspect you have housekeepers and not parents.
Sheesh -- some of you are crazy AF.
Anonymous
06/20/2019 14:57
Subject: Re:Parents being pushy about staying at our new house
OP hasn't been honest about whether his mom has been abusive to DW (I suspect OP is DW, not DH) or whether DW is being unnecessarily rigid. If the former, the parents shouldn't be visiting DH at home, period. If the latter, OP needs to get a spine and say that parents are welcome for 2-3 days, X many times a year, which applies to both sets.