Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The friends approach is a demand disguised as a request and therefore manipulative.
Basically they are saying “change your eating habits right now for me! Or else!” Further she is stating : your food is so disgusting to me I can’t even look at what you are eating.
Both are aggressive statements packaged up in a belief system. That is why it is so annoying to some people. They find being manipulated that way not conducive to friendship. Yes a friend could do without meat but the way it was stated (as reported) was not very tactful. A person could say “why don’t we try a vegan restaurant or a vegetarian restaurant?” Instead they went for a dramatic line in the sand.

No she isn't. The friend said "I don't want to watch you eat meat"...that's not the same as telling friend to change. She is morally opposed to eating meat and it makes her sick but she is willing to look past that OP eats meat as long as she doesn't have to witness it. She suggested drinks or a movie or something that doesn't involve eating for one meal. The meal that OP shares with her.

Look...I don't smoke. I'm okay if you do when we aren't together. But I don't want to spend three hours with you watching you puff on a cigarette and blow smoke in my face. It's disgusting to me and makes me pretty ill. I still want to hang out with you, but not while you're smoking around me. Okay??? Same thing.

+1

You nailed it. Thank you!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The friends approach is a demand disguised as a request and therefore manipulative.
Basically they are saying “change your eating habits right now for me! Or else!” Further she is stating : your food is so disgusting to me I can’t even look at what you are eating.
Both are aggressive statements packaged up in a belief system. That is why it is so annoying to some people. They find being manipulated that way not conducive to friendship. Yes a friend could do without meat but the way it was stated (as reported) was not very tactful. A person could say “why don’t we try a vegan restaurant or a vegetarian restaurant?” Instead they went for a dramatic line in the sand.

No she isn't. The friend said "I don't want to watch you eat meat"...that's not the same as telling friend to change. She is morally opposed to eating meat and it makes her sick but she is willing to look past that OP eats meat as long as she doesn't have to witness it. She suggested drinks or a movie or something that doesn't involve eating for one meal. The meal that OP shares with her.

Look...I don't smoke. I'm okay if you do when we aren't together. But I don't want to spend three hours with you watching you puff on a cigarette and blow smoke in my face. It's disgusting to me and makes me pretty ill. I still want to hang out with you, but not while you're smoking around me. Okay??? Same thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The friends approach is a demand disguised as a request and therefore manipulative.
Basically they are saying “change your eating habits right now for me! Or else!” Further she is stating : your food is so disgusting to me I can’t even look at what you are eating.
Both are aggressive statements packaged up in a belief system. That is why it is so annoying to some people. They find being manipulated that way not conducive to friendship. Yes a friend could do without meat but the way it was stated (as reported) was not very tactful. A person could say “why don’t we try a vegan restaurant or a vegetarian restaurant?” Instead they went for a dramatic line in the sand.

No she isn't. The friend said "I don't want to watch you eat meat"...that's not the same as telling friend to change. She is morally opposed to eating meat and it makes her sick but she is willing to look past that OP eats meat as long as she doesn't have to witness it. She suggested drinks or a movie or something that doesn't involve eating for one meal. The meal that OP shares with her.

Look...I don't smoke. I'm okay if you do when we aren't together. But I don't want to spend three hours with you watching you puff on a cigarette and blow smoke in my face. It's disgusting to me and makes me pretty ill. I still want to hang out with you, but not while you're smoking around me. Okay??? Same thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The friends approach is a demand disguised as a request and therefore manipulative.
Basically they are saying “change your eating habits right now for me! Or else!” Further she is stating : your food is so disgusting to me I can’t even look at what you are eating.
Both are aggressive statements packaged up in a belief system. That is why it is so annoying to some people. They find being manipulated that way not conducive to friendship. Yes a friend could do without meat but the way it was stated (as reported) was not very tactful. A person could say “why don’t we try a vegan restaurant or a vegetarian restaurant?” Instead they went for a dramatic line in the sand.

No she isn't. The friend said "I don't want to watch you eat meat"...that's not the same as telling friend to change. She is morally opposed to eating meat and it makes her sick but she is willing to look past that OP eats meat as long as she doesn't have to witness it. She suggested drinks or a movie or something that doesn't involve eating for one meal. The meal that OP shares with her.

Look...I don't smoke. I'm okay if you do when we aren't together. But I don't want to spend three hours with you watching you puff on a cigarette and blow smoke in my face. It's disgusting to me and makes me pretty ill. I still want to hang out with you, but not while you're smoking around me. Okay??? Same thing.

Anonymous wrote:The friends approach is a demand disguised as a request and therefore manipulative.
Basically they are saying “change your eating habits right now for me! Or else!” Further she is stating : your food is so disgusting to me I can’t even look at what you are eating.
Both are aggressive statements packaged up in a belief system. That is why it is so annoying to some people. They find being manipulated that way not conducive to friendship. Yes a friend could do without meat but the way it was stated (as reported) was not very tactful. A person could say “why don’t we try a vegan restaurant or a vegetarian restaurant?” Instead they went for a dramatic line in the sand.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is someone I am pretty friendly with via my kids school. Our husbands got along too. We have gone out for dinner with them maybe 12-13 times since we met about 2 years ago. She and her husband became hardcore vegan in last month. We have gone to a few restaurants (last few times) where my husband ordered a steak, as he generally does and I ordered a chicken dish. They ordered some vegan dish.

We have done it this way ever since they became vegan. Well.......3 days ago I get a call from her telling me she needs to speak to me in person. We agree to meet for coffee, I am thinking its something about one of the kids. She could have knocked me over with a feather by telling me that they are both uncomfortable when we are in a restaurant with them and ordering steak medium and whatever it is I am ordering. She said she cannot handle even looking at it and they are just too uncomfortable so while "they like us, they would like to continue to see us for occasions that do no involve eating"! She said maybe drinks, a movie, etc......

OK someone please clue me in. Is this the norm? Am I maybe totally clueless as to how being friends with vegans work? Is she being a nut job or am I just insensitive? Please help, I am still reeling....

It's the norm among the vegans I know- they are grossed out by meat. I usually order a veg dish when I go out to dinner with my vegan friends. I know everyone will say they're "crazy" and so forth, but my vegan friend seriously could not eat if I ordered a burger. He wasn't judging me, he could just literally smell the meat and watch me chomp on it- grossed him out.
Why don't you offer to go to veg restaurants- really good vegetarian restaurants are tasty. Your DH can suck it up for one night.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What bothers me is that she could have just engineered the situation behind the scenes without saying anything to you explicitly. For example, they could have simply declined dinner invitations and suggest a movie or drinks instead. Or she could have been more diplomatic about it and made it about avoiding all non-vegan restaurants in general. But instead, she made a huge deal about telling you in person and making it about your food choices. Sounds like she was trying to be morally superior or shame you for eating meat.

And to that I say, no thanks.

+1. She could have suggested alternative activities to dinner as they come up instead of the dramatic confrontation.

Anonymous wrote:I’m a lifelong Hindu vegetarian who would never do that. It’s rude. I do cringe when I see my kids eat meat, which they do rarely at grandparents house, but I don’t want to make them self conscious about it, I do make surethey know an animal suffered and I s dead for the meal on their late. They seem ok with it!

Anonymous wrote:Your friend handled this like an adult. She still wants to do stuff with you, just not watch you eat meat. So what? She told you in person, she didn't insult your eating habits, just said she couldn't do it.

Do you WANT to be friends or do you want to cause problems? How difficult is it to find something else to do with them? Can you not abstain from meat for a couple of hours in order to see these people?

I think you are just looking for a reason to be offended. But this friend hasn't done anything that should offend you. So either suck it up and do non-meat related activities (don't wear a salami-suit or a meat dress) or tell her, face to face, that you can't give up meat for 2 hours so you can still be friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if it’s the norm, but as a teetotaler, I understand them.

I do feel disrespected when people drink in my presence(unless there’s context), so when I eat with vegetarians, I try to be mindful.

Are you dry because you are an alcoholic? You had an alcoholic parent? B.c then i get it. But if you just care not to drink then you shouldn't be offended

Same as if a vegan chooses that for philosophical reasons...I will be sensitive to that. If it is just for health reasons- meh get over yourself.

I was never even a social drinker, just tried. I think my biological father might be a functional alcoholic. I’m philosophically against alcohol and smoking(for the most part), feel disgusted by it(just like many vegetarians fell about meat), and tend to distance myself from people who don’t respect that.

Respect is the wrong word here. Social drinking is a fact of life, I mean people aren't drinking to disrespect you, they are just doing what they do.