I’d be open to this if I wanted another kid, but only if there was an irrevocable trust with the money already set aside. I wouldn’t take my chances with a child support agreement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to marry him OP? You’re divorced and should have a good idea whether he is marriage material or not. Money alone isn’t a good enough reason.

How old are your two kids?

I would like to marry him, but he’s kind of a confirmed bachelor. Married to work, works 60+ hours a week, travels extensively. This is why he’s a “non-boyfriend.” Although we get on really well, and do love each other, he’s just not really there when it comes to commitment.

That's ok, as long as he is kind to you and the kids when he is home, and provides a stable home for the family.

Is this prospect more appealing than the stable home she and her kids already have?

A single parent of multiple kids might have a “stable” home relative to the marriage she left, but no single parent of multiple kids is going to have the advantages that a two parent home gives them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to marry him OP? You’re divorced and should have a good idea whether he is marriage material or not. Money alone isn’t a good enough reason.

How old are your two kids?

I would like to marry him, but he’s kind of a confirmed bachelor. Married to work, works 60+ hours a week, travels extensively. This is why he’s a “non-boyfriend.” Although we get on really well, and do love each other, he’s just not really there when it comes to commitment.

That's ok, as long as he is kind to you and the kids when he is home, and provides a stable home for the family.

Is this prospect more appealing than the stable home she and her kids already have?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to marry him OP? You’re divorced and should have a good idea whether he is marriage material or not. Money alone isn’t a good enough reason.

How old are your two kids?

I would like to marry him, but he’s kind of a confirmed bachelor. Married to work, works 60+ hours a week, travels extensively. This is why he’s a “non-boyfriend.” Although we get on really well, and do love each other, he’s just not really there when it comes to commitment.

That's ok, as long as he is kind to you and the kids when he is home, and provides a stable home for the family.

I have seen a similar situation (minus the milions). With abortion you will probably loose your lover/non-boyfriend AND your child.

Why get married? I wouldn’t kill the kid either. Just have it and set up a custody and support agreement. If love continues then you can get married later.

Can you just give him the kid to raise on his own?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 40 and always wanted a child but also works 60+ hours and isn't engaged? What happens if you do stay together (married or not?). He will want a SAH mother/primary caregiver. It will turn your kids' lives upside down to have a child in the context he wants. I'm sorry but your living children preempt his resistance. I would abort.

I know plenty of wealthy SAHMs with husbands who work a lot and quite enjoy their setup.

Yes!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't seem like you want it (which is fine!) If that is the case, I would abort and tell him I miscarried.

This. Financial support is one thing, but if you don't want a 3rd kid you are well within your rights to have an abortion without his approval. If he was so Catholic he would already be married and not having sex with casual partners without a condom. So don't let his pretend religion get in the way if this is the path you want.

Excellent point. This may be exactly why Paul said "it is better to marry than to burn, or bang random friends without using birth control"

Don't be fooled by thinking this guy will come through with childcare or other expenses. Maybe he will, but I think you need to base your decision on the assumption that he will do the bare minimum. Knowing that, do you want to have the baby?

You should also assume he will not be an active participant in the child's life. Sounds like he works a lot and isn't around much. Assume that doesn't change. Is that what you'd want for the child? For yourself?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 40 and always wanted a child but also works 60+ hours and isn't engaged? What happens if you do stay together (married or not?). He will want a SAH mother/primary caregiver. It will turn your kids' lives upside down to have a child in the context he wants. I'm sorry but your living children preempt his resistance. I would abort.

I know plenty of wealthy SAHMs with husbands who work a lot and quite enjoy their setup.

But OP doesn't have that set up. She works apparently and that is the environment she chose to best raise her kids. This new guy knocks her up and is going to turn their whole structure upside down? No thanks. YMMV.

No, she currently has to work. There’s a difference. You don’t know whether she chose that or not.

She has two kids already. Even if he is so generous that he’ll support them too (kids he has never even MET at this point), is he willing to support them entirely, make up her lost earnings, pay for two extra college tuitions, etc? A person with two kids can’t risk being a sahm to a new spouse. If this marriage doesn’t work she’ll be out of the workforce with no prospects at an age when it’s hard to jump back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to marry him OP? You’re divorced and should have a good idea whether he is marriage material or not. Money alone isn’t a good enough reason.

How old are your two kids?

I would like to marry him, but he’s kind of a confirmed bachelor. Married to work, works 60+ hours a week, travels extensively. This is why he’s a “non-boyfriend.” Although we get on really well, and do love each other, he’s just not really there when it comes to commitment.

This plus your hesitation are big red flags to me. Follow your instincts but I'd probably terminate this pregnancy.

People don’t change in their 40s, OP. You describe him as not willing to commit. Work has been his only obligation in life thus far, and it will continue to be his main focus. It’s nice that you know he’s good for child support, but if you do have the child, be prepared to be a single mom to 3 kids. You are not really forming a family with this man, you are just adding a new child to yours.

Speaking as someone who has 2 kids by 2 dads, I think the "3 kids by 2 dads" is the least compelling part of it all. Basically irrelevant.

The other items listed are worth thinking through, though. I think you should, if YOU want one more child, have him sign an ironclad child support agreement that lasts until that child is finished with college and no longer a FT student. Escalating with father's income, as a percentage of his income. (yes, i've done this before) Include private school, nannies, everything you can think that you might want or need for his future child if you are not going to marry him.

If you DO marry him, he will need to treat the children equally or there will be major issues for all of the kids. Something else to think about. Where is dad #1?

Have a long conversation with him, after you do some soul searching. If you don't want this pregnancy, abort and tell him you miscarried. You can always continue the relationship if you want, and he may decide further down the road that he wants to settle down.

Your body, your choice.

Is there some kind of trust for the kid she could have set up now before he changed his mind?

Also, what kind of friends were you for so long yet he never met your kids?

Anonymous wrote:Also his form of birth control sounds fishy to me. Perhaps he should try it on another friend.

Who knows how many other kids he already has out there that he doesn't know about.