Anonymous
Post 04/23/2019 09:12     Subject: 11 Year old knocked over shelf, Destroyed belongings.
Not one person comes off well in this story. Not the twins, not the twins parents, not the OP, not the OP's kid. Oh, wait, the 4th kid apparently is OK.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2019 09:12     Subject: 11 Year old knocked over shelf, Destroyed belongings.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NP and the DCUM consensus on this thread is pretty much what's wrong with society and parenting today.

If the other parent had taken ANY responsibility or been the least bit apologetic without trying to blame the victim here, I think I (and OP) would be inclined to be more gracious about her precious little sons who can apparently do no wrong. But this is ridiculous.

How this *should* have gone:
OP to mom: I'm calling b/c I need you to come pick up Larlo and Lurlo. Unfortunately, while they were in Jack's room, they were carelessly fighting over a game controller, and the two of them ran into my study where they know they are not allowed to be, and while they were running around the study and fighting over the controller, they managed to knock over an entire glass bookshelf along with all of its contents. There is glass everywhere, and several precious items have been destroyed in the mess.

Mom of Larlo and Lurlo: Oh my goodness...I'm so sorry! I'll be there right away to pick the boys up.

Upon arrival--the mom sternly lectures her own sons Larlo and Lurlo in front of OP about respecting other people's home/property...demands apology. And waits while they sheepishly apologize to OP. Then turns to OP and says "Again, I'm so so sorry for the damage my boys have caused. We will be discussing what they can do to work off the money to repay you for the damage they caused. What can I do to help clean up the mess?"

****
Instead, the reaction was (shrug) "Boys will be boys. Guess you should have locked the door!"

Unbelievable.


+1000


YES! Geez. This is parenting 101. There are loads of things the boys can do to help repay the damage they've caused. They're 11! They can mow, weed wack, pull weeds, mulch, wash pollen off patio furniture, shovel snow next winter- all at this friend's home. As well as earning money doing these things at home and handing it over to the mom.
What the hell kind of a lesson is it teaching them that they aren't in control of their own bodies and it's the mom's fault for not locking the door.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2019 08:59     Subject: 11 Year old knocked over shelf, Destroyed belongings.
Anonymous wrote:When other people’s children are in your home you are responsible for them. The 11yos were poorly behaved but this accident is still on you, op.

What if one of those pieces of glass lodged in one of those boys’ arm or leg? My dad knew a kid who died pushing his arm through a plate glass window. If one of those boys were seriously hurt you saying “I told them not to go in that room” would not relieve you of liability.

You should not allow the boys over again if they are uncontrollable.

Also, I remember being 11 and having no impulse control and breaking other people’s property. I was devastated but I’m not sure I looked it or said the right things. I just wanted to get away from the situation.

And finally, once my 7yo had a sleepover at her cousin’s house. The next day was New Year’s Eve and we get a call from SIL that my dd had taken the 10yo’s needles from her sewing kit and put holes in the wall.

1. I wasn’t happy my 7yo had been given access to needles.
2. It wasn’t clear to me how much my dd was to blame and how much of SIL’s story was coming from her 3 kids not wanting to get into trouble.
3. Why? Just why call us about this on New Year’s Eve? It seemed so petty.

I told SIL sorry and that I was upset dd was playing with needles in the first place, and it may have come off as bitchy. But after I hung up we did punish dd for destroying property. But SIL doesn’t know that. So she probably thought I was a terrible parent.


That's not really typical, sorry
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2019 08:20     Subject: 11 Year old knocked over shelf, Destroyed belongings.
Anonymous wrote:NP and the DCUM consensus on this thread is pretty much what's wrong with society and parenting today.

If the other parent had taken ANY responsibility or been the least bit apologetic without trying to blame the victim here, I think I (and OP) would be inclined to be more gracious about her precious little sons who can apparently do no wrong. But this is ridiculous.

How this *should* have gone:
OP to mom: I'm calling b/c I need you to come pick up Larlo and Lurlo. Unfortunately, while they were in Jack's room, they were carelessly fighting over a game controller, and the two of them ran into my study where they know they are not allowed to be, and while they were running around the study and fighting over the controller, they managed to knock over an entire glass bookshelf along with all of its contents. There is glass everywhere, and several precious items have been destroyed in the mess.

Mom of Larlo and Lurlo: Oh my goodness...I'm so sorry! I'll be there right away to pick the boys up.

Upon arrival--the mom sternly lectures her own sons Larlo and Lurlo in front of OP about respecting other people's home/property...demands apology. And waits while they sheepishly apologize to OP. Then turns to OP and says "Again, I'm so so sorry for the damage my boys have caused. We will be discussing what they can do to work off the money to repay you for the damage they caused. What can I do to help clean up the mess?"

****
Instead, the reaction was (shrug) "Boys will be boys. Guess you should have locked the door!"

Unbelievable.


+1000
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2019 08:20     Subject: Re:11 Year old knocked over shelf, Destroyed belongings.
You already told their mom, so don’t do anything else. She should have apologized or at least been embarrassed and ashamed of her kids’ behavior.

It sounds like it all happened fast, (I’m guessing) one twin ran off with a controller into the study, the other followed and one bumped into the shelf.

Take several weeks to cool off before you decide anything like if they can hang out again.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2019 08:06     Subject: Re:11 Year old knocked over shelf, Destroyed belongings.
I am always amazed at how DCUM can find ways to blame and turn on the Ops.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2019 07:57     Subject: 11 Year old knocked over shelf, Destroyed belongings.
Even if you live in a home where everything is kid and pet proof, valuables are bolted to the wall, and no rooms are off limits - you still, before sending a middle schooler off for a playdate - need to explain to your child that other people's homes are different.

This is one reason I actually like sleepovers as opposed to the parents who won't releasee control and allow them.

It's important for kids to learn that other people are different, and to adjust accordingly. And in some people's homes, kids aren't allowed in certain rooms. And even if you aren't used to that, you have to follow the host's rules. These kids in OP's post are not getting that lesson which is a shame.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2019 07:52     Subject: 11 Year old knocked over shelf, Destroyed belongings.
I agree the twin mom is entitled and crazy, but OP should have pulled the trigger much earlier on the fighting over the controllers. I have an easy answer for that — if my boys and their friends can’t get along reasonably without taking turns and fighting over something, I confiscate it and no one gets to use it. I don’t mind being the mean mom one bit. Leaving the fighting kids was a big mistake.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2019 07:32     Subject: 11 Year old knocked over shelf, Destroyed belongings.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NP and the DCUM consensus on this thread is pretty much what's wrong with society and parenting today.

If the other parent had taken ANY responsibility or been the least bit apologetic without trying to blame the victim here, I think I (and OP) would be inclined to be more gracious about her precious little sons who can apparently do no wrong. But this is ridiculous.

How this *should* have gone:
OP to mom: I'm calling b/c I need you to come pick up Larlo and Lurlo. Unfortunately, while they were in Jack's room, they were carelessly fighting over a game controller, and the two of them ran into my study where they know they are not allowed to be, and while they were running around the study and fighting over the controller, they managed to knock over an entire glass bookshelf along with all of its contents. There is glass everywhere, and several precious items have been destroyed in the mess.

Mom of Larlo and Lurlo: Oh my goodness...I'm so sorry! I'll be there right away to pick the boys up.

Upon arrival--the mom sternly lectures her own sons Larlo and Lurlo in front of OP about respecting other people's home/property...demands apology. And waits while they sheepishly apologize to OP. Then turns to OP and says "Again, I'm so so sorry for the damage my boys have caused. We will be discussing what they can do to work off the money to repay you for the damage they caused. What can I do to help clean up the mess?"

****
Instead, the reaction was (shrug) "Boys will be boys. Guess you should have locked the door!"

Unbelievable.


+1

Kids these days are screwed. Actual parenting is such a rare thing now. It's sad.


Or, for all we know OP kid knocked it down and blamed the other kids. She wasn't paying attention at all to the kids and had a glass shelf not secured to the wall with glass on it. Anyone with common sense and younger kids should know to secure it to the wall. OP needs to take a good chunk of the blame. She took responsibility for those kids and let them behave like that. You are right actual parenting is such a rare thing and OP is a good example.


You are truly insufferable.
At what point in your world are 11-year-old boys allowed to play video games in the sons room without the mom hovering over them to make sure they don't go into the room that they all knew they were not to go into? Is taking a bathroom break okay for her? Or do you have playdates where your 11-year-olds all hold hands with you and sit at the kitchen table while you make dinner??? You are literally insane.

At some point, you will need to hold your child responsible for his choices (yes...even the "childhood mistakes" that result in unintended, yet very undesirable outcomes--like knocking over glass shelving!) It may surprise you to learn this, but children even as "young" as 11 can be told "don't do this" (such as "don't go in this room" or "don't run in the house" or "don't fight with your brother") and be expected NOT to do it without constant supervision. And if they make a mistake and do those things anyway (and sometimes they will!), then if it causes damage, they also need to be held responsible for results of those actions. That is how you create responsibility and accountability in young humans.


Our house is kid friendly where none of that would ever be an issue. Big furniture is bolted to the wall. Food/drink only in the dining room. We don't have any restrictions on where they can go in the house and the basement has a camera to see what's going on. Its easy enough to check every 30 minutes and listen in on what they are saying. She should have been supervising better. And, if they are just playing video games they would not be running around the house breaking things. There is much more to this.


The more to this is that there were only three remotes and the kids, instead of taking turns like they were told, decided to fight over the remote. I think the mom of the twins found this thread because that would be the only explanation of some of the crazy posts about this being OP's fault. If my 10 year old goes to someone's house and is told a certain room is off limits, I expect her to abide by the rule. If she breaks things because she doesn't follow the rules, then I'd offer to pay for the damages even though I don't have a lot of extra money. Also, some people work from home, so it's very understandable to have a study be off limit. Even if I felt OP wasn't supervising appropriately, the kids are 11 and I'd be embarrassed to try to place the blame of my 11 year old's inability to follow rules on someone else. Maybe if you know your 11 year old can't follow rules you shouldn't let them go to other people's houses without you? Or maybe you should let the other parent know your 11 year old needs constant supervision so that parent can make an informed decision about letting your child come over? OP was making dinner, not neglecting the kids. Do you make your kids come sit in the kitchen with you when you are making dinner so you can properly supervise them? If so, please inform other parents that your child is poorly behaved and incapable of behaving well without supervision at 11.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2019 07:15     Subject: 11 Year old knocked over shelf, Destroyed belongings.
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not mad at my DS, he did nothing wrong. I'm mad at these twins and their entitled parents.I haven't cleaned up the mess because we were busy on saturday, visited family on sunday, and I had to work today. I'm also not using the parents, I just want their kids to apologize. I already know they were raised by wolves and won't pay for the damages, I gave up on that. Oh, and one Bird Survived. It's a hummingbird with a nest.


Op, you know how they can fix cracks in windshields by filling in the glass? Maybe something like that can be done with the birds?
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2019 06:58     Subject: 11 Year old knocked over shelf, Destroyed belongings.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NP and the DCUM consensus on this thread is pretty much what's wrong with society and parenting today.

If the other parent had taken ANY responsibility or been the least bit apologetic without trying to blame the victim here, I think I (and OP) would be inclined to be more gracious about her precious little sons who can apparently do no wrong. But this is ridiculous.

How this *should* have gone:
OP to mom: I'm calling b/c I need you to come pick up Larlo and Lurlo. Unfortunately, while they were in Jack's room, they were carelessly fighting over a game controller, and the two of them ran into my study where they know they are not allowed to be, and while they were running around the study and fighting over the controller, they managed to knock over an entire glass bookshelf along with all of its contents. There is glass everywhere, and several precious items have been destroyed in the mess.

Mom of Larlo and Lurlo: Oh my goodness...I'm so sorry! I'll be there right away to pick the boys up.

Upon arrival--the mom sternly lectures her own sons Larlo and Lurlo in front of OP about respecting other people's home/property...demands apology. And waits while they sheepishly apologize to OP. Then turns to OP and says "Again, I'm so so sorry for the damage my boys have caused. We will be discussing what they can do to work off the money to repay you for the damage they caused. What can I do to help clean up the mess?"

****
Instead, the reaction was (shrug) "Boys will be boys. Guess you should have locked the door!"

Unbelievable.


+1

Kids these days are screwed. Actual parenting is such a rare thing now. It's sad.


Or, for all we know OP kid knocked it down and blamed the other kids. She wasn't paying attention at all to the kids and had a glass shelf not secured to the wall with glass on it. Anyone with common sense and younger kids should know to secure it to the wall. OP needs to take a good chunk of the blame. She took responsibility for those kids and let them behave like that. You are right actual parenting is such a rare thing and OP is a good example.


You can't bolt shelves to the wall. OP's kid is now 11 and the room is a room that her kid isn't allowed in. Teaching your kids rules and boundaries is important at that age.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2019 06:57     Subject: 11 Year old knocked over shelf, Destroyed belongings.
I have an eleven year old boy, and I still supervise. They get nuts when playing video games, but while they’re in the basement rec room, they really can’t get in any trouble. But when I hear them coming upstairs (usually at running speed), I go check on them and send them right back downstairs. At some point I tell them to turn off the video games if they’re fighting too much.

You should have checked right away when you heard them moving towards a forbidden part of the house.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2019 06:49     Subject: 11 Year old knocked over shelf, Destroyed belongings.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not mad at my DS, he did nothing wrong. I'm mad at these twins and their entitled parents.I haven't cleaned up the mess because we were busy on saturday, visited family on sunday, and I had to work today. I'm also not using the parents, I just want their kids to apologize. I already know they were raised by wolves and won't pay for the damages, I gave up on that. Oh, and one Bird Survived. It's a hummingbird with a nest.


You are just as entitled. You had them over to play with your kid so you didn't have to and ignored what they were doing and neglected to supervise them. You are equally to fault.


My 11 year old would be mortified ifI tried to hover and supervise her friends. It's not neglect, it's treating kids age appropriately.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2019 06:42     Subject: 11 Year old knocked over shelf, Destroyed belongings.
Anonymous wrote:I think when you have glass shelves, it’s just kind of risky, anyone could trip and fall and things would shatter and hurt people. Just doesn’t seem sensible. I feel bad for those boys for being blamed for an innocent childhood mistake. I bet they wish they’d never set foot in your house. I agree that your concern is mostly for your objects, not with the safety of the children or whether they might be feeling traumatized p. I’m sure that was very loud!


If someone broke irreplaceable family heirlooms and an $800 camera, I'd be upset too. No one was hurt, so why would OP talk about that. I think the fact that no one was hurt absolves op from needing to focus on that. I think the fact that the boys weren't apologetic and the mom blamed OP is what is making OP upset. If the boys had apologized it's likely OP's attitude would be entirely different. Accidents happen, but not being courteous enough to apologize st age 11 is unacceptable.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2019 04:51     Subject: 11 Year old knocked over shelf, Destroyed belongings.
When other people’s children are in your home you are responsible for them. The 11yos were poorly behaved but this accident is still on you, op.

What if one of those pieces of glass lodged in one of those boys’ arm or leg? My dad knew a kid who died pushing his arm through a plate glass window. If one of those boys were seriously hurt you saying “I told them not to go in that room” would not relieve you of liability.

You should not allow the boys over again if they are uncontrollable.

Also, I remember being 11 and having no impulse control and breaking other people’s property. I was devastated but I’m not sure I looked it or said the right things. I just wanted to get away from the situation.

And finally, once my 7yo had a sleepover at her cousin’s house. The next day was New Year’s Eve and we get a call from SIL that my dd had taken the 10yo’s needles from her sewing kit and put holes in the wall.

1. I wasn’t happy my 7yo had been given access to needles.
2. It wasn’t clear to me how much my dd was to blame and how much of SIL’s story was coming from her 3 kids not wanting to get into trouble.
3. Why? Just why call us about this on New Year’s Eve? It seemed so petty.

I told SIL sorry and that I was upset dd was playing with needles in the first place, and it may have come off as bitchy. But after I hung up we did punish dd for destroying property. But SIL doesn’t know that. So she probably thought I was a terrible parent.