Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 21:18     Subject: Re:DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. Not sure if you are still reading this thread, but in case, offering my two cents. First, I think it is important that you do not blame yourself for his behavior. Cheating is never acceptable. And especially not in your case (where you maintained your weight, still had regular sex, put effort into your marriage, etc). Cheating in his case maybe reflects general malaise/boredom with the routine of raising a family, missing passion, feeling unattractive - none of which have anything to do with you. His response to those feelings was immature and selfish and generally just shitty as you know.

In any case, if he is truly remorseful, I absolutely think your marriage can be saved if that is what you want. He needs to explore not only why he cheated, but why he couldn't communicate with you whatever he was going through that led him to stray. Maybe he has some "weird" fetish and was uncomfortable sharing that with you? I believe that an individual should not be defined by one misdeed...your husband has many layers and probably many wonderful qualities too which is the reason you married him in the first place! Marriages survive infidelity, mental illness, substance abuse...for better or worse, right? As long as the person is willing to do the work, why not give him a chance?

I would be careful about confiding in your friends -- as you can see by the responses on this board, there are some very judgemental people out there who will wonder why you are staying and will never respect your relationship going forward if you do stay. You don't need a bunch of ninnies gossiping behind your back. So tell only those whom you trust completely to support you in whatever decision you make.

I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do.


+100
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 19:40     Subject: Re:DH had an affair
Hi OP. Not sure if you are still reading this thread, but in case, offering my two cents. First, I think it is important that you do not blame yourself for his behavior. Cheating is never acceptable. And especially not in your case (where you maintained your weight, still had regular sex, put effort into your marriage, etc). Cheating in his case maybe reflects general malaise/boredom with the routine of raising a family, missing passion, feeling unattractive - none of which have anything to do with you. His response to those feelings was immature and selfish and generally just shitty as you know.

In any case, if he is truly remorseful, I absolutely think your marriage can be saved if that is what you want. He needs to explore not only why he cheated, but why he couldn't communicate with you whatever he was going through that led him to stray. Maybe he has some "weird" fetish and was uncomfortable sharing that with you? I believe that an individual should not be defined by one misdeed...your husband has many layers and probably many wonderful qualities too which is the reason you married him in the first place! Marriages survive infidelity, mental illness, substance abuse...for better or worse, right? As long as the person is willing to do the work, why not give him a chance?

I would be careful about confiding in your friends -- as you can see by the responses on this board, there are some very judgemental people out there who will wonder why you are staying and will never respect your relationship going forward if you do stay. You don't need a bunch of ninnies gossiping behind your back. So tell only those whom you trust completely to support you in whatever decision you make.

I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do.
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 18:13     Subject: DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just goes to show that dress size and sex life frequency and intencity don’t really matter.
I am sorry this happened to you. Desire for new things is human nature and maybe you should use this situation as a push for new things for you, too.
A committed yet open relationship sounds fun!


Oh but they really do matter quite a lot!!
Staying thin and sexually actively does not guarantee faithfulness.
But getting fat an sexless most certainly does guarantee UN-faithfulness.


+1. I have never cheated, but my wife has all but ended our sexual relationship. Yes we have talked about it. Yes I help around the house, in fact do more than my share. There is a physical and emotional void there that needs to be filled.


Dude, you are not alone. It's been 3+ years since I've had sex with my wife - we play around every few weeks, but never PIV sex. Driving me nuts.

I don't cheat, too much to lose.

I've talked with her about it, and it's no longer directly a medical issue like it was for a while. She says she will try, but nothing changes. Just wish I could get a hall pass a few times a year. I'm an active dad of two school age kids, attractive and in decent shape. Just tell me that it is OK on a business trip if something happens, as long as you don't know about it and it doesn't impact our life together.


You don’t need to ask her for a hall pass. Simply inform her the marriage is open. The low drive spouse in a sexless marriage does not get to vote on this.
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 17:40     Subject: DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just goes to show that dress size and sex life frequency and intencity don’t really matter.
I am sorry this happened to you. Desire for new things is human nature and maybe you should use this situation as a push for new things for you, too.
A committed yet open relationship sounds fun!


Oh but they really do matter quite a lot!!
Staying thin and sexually actively does not guarantee faithfulness.
But getting fat an sexless most certainly does guarantee UN-faithfulness.


+1. I have never cheated, but my wife has all but ended our sexual relationship. Yes we have talked about it. Yes I help around the house, in fact do more than my share. There is a physical and emotional void there that needs to be filled.


OK, but getting fat and being sexless in the relationship does NOT justify cheating. It does justify talking about the serious problems in the relationship and asking for an open marriage and negotiating those terms transparently and cinsensually or asking for a divorce.

There is literally NOTHING that juatifies cheating as long as your spouse is sentient enough to negotiate and exercise consent. Those persons married to spuses who are chronically ill to the point of legal nom-competence in decision-making may have different choices.

But, if your spouse and you entered a marriage on the basis of monogamy, and then you violate that agreement by engaging in non-monigamy and secretly manipulating the spouse to think otherwise thru lies and gaslighting, then you are engaging in emotional abuse. And, if you commit infidelity and continue to sleep with your wife as well while under the pretense of minogamy , well, then you are engaging in non-consensual sex by fraud with your wife.


He made clear this is not happening. And she has basically imposed a vow of celibacy on him that he never took.
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 17:37     Subject: DH had an affair
OP, you sound squirrelly. You need to wake up. Begin by realizing that he didn’t just come clean. He got sloppy-he took her out in your town. Someone saw them. And now more people than you know know. Please don’t tell your friends - not even your BFF. People will pity you. They already do, possibly. After you wake up, make a list of reasons to stay and reasons to go. The reasons to stay will be longer than the latter. Don’t stay because your DH doesn’t want to divorce. Stay because you want to stay. Or leave, because you want to leave. But it’s your choice please don’t t tell your friends - I know I’m repeating. But it’ll just be gossip and will haunt you if you stay. Good luck. And just so you know most men and most women cheat. Most don’t tell, though. And most don’t tell their friends they’ve be cheated on.
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 17:22     Subject: DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If he is being truthful and remorseful...have you been given the passwords to all his devices and accounts? Scoured them for the truth? Seen his credit card statements?


As a husband who has never cheated, if I ever did cheat, and the only way to get back in her life is to be under the microscope for the rest of our lives, then Thank You, Next!


Great reason not to cheat!
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 15:58     Subject: DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:If he is being truthful and remorseful...have you been given the passwords to all his devices and accounts? Scoured them for the truth? Seen his credit card statements?


As a husband who has never cheated, if I ever did cheat, and the only way to get back in her life is to be under the microscope for the rest of our lives, then Thank You, Next!
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 15:49     Subject: DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just goes to show that dress size and sex life frequency and intencity don’t really matter.
I am sorry this happened to you. Desire for new things is human nature and maybe you should use this situation as a push for new things for you, too.
A committed yet open relationship sounds fun!


Oh but they really do matter quite a lot!!
Staying thin and sexually actively does not guarantee faithfulness.
But getting fat an sexless most certainly does guarantee UN-faithfulness.


+1. I have never cheated, but my wife has all but ended our sexual relationship. Yes we have talked about it. Yes I help around the house, in fact do more than my share. There is a physical and emotional void there that needs to be filled.


Dude, you are not alone. It's been 3+ years since I've had sex with my wife - we play around every few weeks, but never PIV sex. Driving me nuts.

I don't cheat, too much to lose.

I've talked with her about it, and it's no longer directly a medical issue like it was for a while. She says she will try, but nothing changes. Just wish I could get a hall pass a few times a year. I'm an active dad of two school age kids, attractive and in decent shape. Just tell me that it is OK on a business trip if something happens, as long as you don't know about it and it doesn't impact our life together.
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 15:34     Subject: DH had an affair
BTDT. Bottom line is you will never, ever, ever be able to trust him again. Every time he’s late you’ll wonder if he’s cheating. Every time he is on his phone and looks remotely like he’s hiding the screen from you you’ll wonder if he’s cheating. Multiply these things by everything in your daily life. You will never be fully comfortable in your relationship with him again.

And you mention more condoms missing from the box? I’m sorry but he’s trickle- truthing you. Check out survivinginfidelity.com. You can learn a lot from that website.

He may be remorseful and he may truly want to save your marriage. However I strongly doubt you’re getting even a small part of the whole truth. He may have told you because there was a threat you’d find out like he and his AP breaking up, her husband finding out or someone seeing them together.

Just know that healing from this betrayal isn’t a slow process and can take years, no matter the outcome. It took about two full years for me to feel “normal” again after my ex cheated and our ultimate divorce was amicable.
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 14:52     Subject: DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So sorry. Try not to do anything right now. Just sit on it and wait for a bit.


+1 Process it. Your mind is in a fog right now to do anything rationally and in your best interest.


I am absolutely paralyzed. I have no idea what would be in my best interest. I feel so sad and pathetic.


All natural feelings, you are going through trauma. Even wanting to make him hurt like you are now. If I were you, I’d ask questions until my gut was satisfied. Even if that meant asking the same ones in a different way or over and over. Dig deeper to get to the bottom of it. A counselor can help but their office my not be the right environment for the ugly conversations you and your husband may have.


Thank you. I don’t know what the right questions are at the moment. I have big questions (why?!) and little questions (where are the rest of the condoms from the box?) and questions that make me sad to even think of. Yes, there are financial reasons to stay together—we just bought our dream house and everyone is happy here, I make less money (though have a career)... yes, I love him...yes, I was happy and thought he was too...I keep thinking knowing the details will help me make sense of it, but every little bit is so hurtful and making me crazy. It’s twice as painful to be sad and hurt but also hate the part of myself that is so pathetic to ask these questions.


You’re welcome. There are no wrong questions. You should ask anything you want an answer to, and he should answer them completely and honestly. It may be helpful to write them down first, but I have a feeling once you start asking questions, one will flow into the next. And there may be some things you don’t want an answer to, and that’s ok as well.

I get a picture of what you’re feeling but how is he doing? Does he show remorse? Guilt? Does he want to remain married? Do not accept any form of blame for his actions. Stop him in his tracks if he starts down that road.


He’s remorseful and apologetic. He says he made a huge mistake. It’s hard for me to know what is true and what is his reaction to fear about me saying I want to consider a divorce. It’s very confusing. Maybe we could manage being partners in raising our kids without romantic attachment or living together, but he is totally freaked out about that conversation and says he doesn’t want to seperate or divorce.


What is your gut telling you? Do you think he’s remorseful? Do you think his apology is sincere? His words are one thing, his actions are another. It’s all very confusing now but things will become more clear as your emotions settle. That’s why I agreed with the first pp who said to wait and sit on it.
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 14:47     Subject: DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Why didn't he think about this part in the week he had between meeting her and setting up the dinner that lead to the cheating? He had a week to process that. As others have stated, if it was a spur of the moment thing, had too much to drink, you could almost understand how he could not be thinking clearly, but he had an entire week of spending time with you and the kids to think about what he was about to do. I don't know... I would find this unforgivable.


This. This wasn't a spur of the moment poor decision. He planned ahead and did this. That's a whole lot more alarming to me than the former (which I might forgive with the understanding that our marriage is now DADT)



I don't get this. Why DADT? Why not just say it's open? DADT is like saying you have an understanding that there will be cheating, and it could be happening at anytime, you just don't admit it. Staying late for work? I MIGHT be cheating, I might not. Quick trip to Target? She might be having a quicky with her AP or she might not. I don't want an open marriage, but I would definitely prefer it to a DADT arrangement.
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 14:18     Subject: DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:
Why didn't he think about this part in the week he had between meeting her and setting up the dinner that lead to the cheating? He had a week to process that. As others have stated, if it was a spur of the moment thing, had too much to drink, you could almost understand how he could not be thinking clearly, but he had an entire week of spending time with you and the kids to think about what he was about to do. I don't know... I would find this unforgivable.


This. This wasn't a spur of the moment poor decision. He planned ahead and did this. That's a whole lot more alarming to me than the former (which I might forgive with the understanding that our marriage is now DADT)
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 13:52     Subject: Re:DH had an affair
Yes I would comb through phone bills etc. to find her number if he doesn't give it to OP. She'll easily be able to find out if it was once or what.
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 13:50     Subject: DH had an affair
If he is being truthful and remorseful...have you been given the passwords to all his devices and accounts? Scoured them for the truth? Seen his credit card statements?
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 13:46     Subject: DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So sorry. Try not to do anything right now. Just sit on it and wait for a bit.


+1 Process it. Your mind is in a fog right now to do anything rationally and in your best interest.


I am absolutely paralyzed. I have no idea what would be in my best interest. I feel so sad and pathetic.


All natural feelings, you are going through trauma. Even wanting to make him hurt like you are now. If I were you, I’d ask questions until my gut was satisfied. Even if that meant asking the same ones in a different way or over and over. Dig deeper to get to the bottom of it. A counselor can help but their office my not be the right environment for the ugly conversations you and your husband may have.


Thank you. I don’t know what the right questions are at the moment. I have big questions (why?!) and little questions (where are the rest of the condoms from the box?) and questions that make me sad to even think of. Yes, there are financial reasons to stay together—we just bought our dream house and everyone is happy here, I make less money (though have a career)... yes, I love him...yes, I was happy and thought he was too...I keep thinking knowing the details will help me make sense of it, but every little bit is so hurtful and making me crazy. It’s twice as painful to be sad and hurt but also hate the part of myself that is so pathetic to ask these questions.


You’re welcome. There are no wrong questions. You should ask anything you want an answer to, and he should answer them completely and honestly. It may be helpful to write them down first, but I have a feeling once you start asking questions, one will flow into the next. And there may be some things you don’t want an answer to, and that’s ok as well.

I get a picture of what you’re feeling but how is he doing? Does he show remorse? Guilt? Does he want to remain married? Do not accept any form of blame for his actions. Stop him in his tracks if he starts down that road.


He’s remorseful and apologetic. He says he made a huge mistake. It’s hard for me to know what is true and what is his reaction to fear about me saying I want to consider a divorce. It’s very confusing. Maybe we could manage being partners in raising our kids without romantic attachment or living together, but he is totally freaked out about that conversation and says he doesn’t want to seperate or divorce.

Why didn't he think about this part in the week he had between meeting her and setting up the dinner that lead to the cheating? He had a week to process that. As others have stated, if it was a spur of the moment thing, had too much to drink, you could almost understand how he could not be thinking clearly, but he had an entire week of spending time with you and the kids to think about what he was about to do. I don't know... I would find this unforgivable.