Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About 15 years ago, DW and I were trying to adopt. In hindsight, I am 99% certain, the birth parent was using us to pay her expenses. What the agency did not tell us was that she had previously kept a baby after agreeing to give it up.

We had this happen and so did friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this did happen to friends of mine, and it was devastating for them, but the family of young mother stepped in and was supported he decision, and child remained with birth family and in good hands. Then, a month later agency called them out of the blue--a young woman decided to place newborn and asked agency to make the best decision, and they reached out to my friends, and for them it has felt like it was meant to be.

I hope it works out for you as well!

Something like this happened to a friend of mine too...in North Carolina.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not use the word "mother" when explaining my adopted daughter's origins to her. I am her mother, the birth parents are the birth lady and the birth man. In no way would i assign a word like mother or father to them. My daughter can assign such terms to them if she wishes when she is older.

That’s really sad for your daughter.

Like it or not, that is her history, that’s how she came into this world. I don’t understand people who adopt, then try to erase or minimize the child’s past.

The choice of words has nothing to do with erasing someone from a child's life.

Birth lady? Yes that is about erasing a relationship.

My kid’s first mother made the incredibly hard decision to continue a pregnancy in difficult decisions. She then made the even harder decisions to let him become part of my family because she knew that keeping him wouldn’t be good for him. Both of these things were parenting. Making decisions that are best for your child, rather than easy for you is parenting and parenting well. Calling her “birth lady” is like calling her a doula. Her role is far bigger than just being there for his birth.

Birth lady and first mother are both offensive. So, what are you? Second mother, mother of last resort, back up mother, caretaker as you are not the real mother, fake mother??

Mostly, I'm just mom. If I was talking about both of us together and need to distinguish, I'd use "forever mom".

Both of us are real moms. Neither is fake.

No, you aren't just mom. If there is a first mom, you are second mom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not use the word "mother" when explaining my adopted daughter's origins to her. I am her mother, the birth parents are the birth lady and the birth man. In no way would i assign a word like mother or father to them. My daughter can assign such terms to them if she wishes when she is older.

That’s really sad for your daughter.

Like it or not, that is her history, that’s how she came into this world. I don’t understand people who adopt, then try to erase or minimize the child’s past.

The choice of words has nothing to do with erasing someone from a child's life.

Birth lady? Yes that is about erasing a relationship.

My kid’s first mother made the incredibly hard decision to continue a pregnancy in difficult decisions. She then made the even harder decisions to let him become part of my family because she knew that keeping him wouldn’t be good for him. Both of these things were parenting. Making decisions that are best for your child, rather than easy for you is parenting and parenting well. Calling her “birth lady” is like calling her a doula. Her role is far bigger than just being there for his birth.

Birth lady and first mother are both offensive. So, what are you? Second mother, mother of last resort, back up mother, caretaker as you are not the real mother, fake mother??

Look, if you as the adoptive mother feel offended or undermined by the term "first mother,"
then you should not adopt.

FWIW, my friend who did two open adoptions refers to the birth mothers as "your mother" or "Mama [Name]" to her kids.

We have a very open adoption. First mother is not appropriate, and what does that make mom? You never answered that? I really don't care what your friend did. You cannot even speak from personal experience.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not use the word "mother" when explaining my adopted daughter's origins to her. I am her mother, the birth parents are the birth lady and the birth man. In no way would i assign a word like mother or father to them. My daughter can assign such terms to them if she wishes when she is older.

That’s really sad for your daughter.

Like it or not, that is her history, that’s how she came into this world. I don’t understand people who adopt, then try to erase or minimize the child’s past.

The choice of words has nothing to do with erasing someone from a child's life.

Birth lady? Yes that is about erasing a relationship.

My kid’s first mother made the incredibly hard decision to continue a pregnancy in difficult decisions. She then made the even harder decisions to let him become part of my family because she knew that keeping him wouldn’t be good for him. Both of these things were parenting. Making decisions that are best for your child, rather than easy for you is parenting and parenting well. Calling her “birth lady” is like calling her a doula. Her role is far bigger than just being there for his birth.

Birth lady and first mother are both offensive. So, what are you? Second mother, mother of last resort, back up mother, caretaker as you are not the real mother, fake mother??

Mostly, I'm just mom. If I was talking about both of us together and need to distinguish, I'd use "forever mom".

Both of us are real moms. Neither is fake.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not use the word "mother" when explaining my adopted daughter's origins to her. I am her mother, the birth parents are the birth lady and the birth man. In no way would i assign a word like mother or father to them. My daughter can assign such terms to them if she wishes when she is older.

That’s really sad for your daughter.

Like it or not, that is her history, that’s how she came into this world. I don’t understand people who adopt, then try to erase or minimize the child’s past.

The choice of words has nothing to do with erasing someone from a child's life.

Birth lady? Yes that is about erasing a relationship.

My kid’s first mother made the incredibly hard decision to continue a pregnancy in difficult decisions. She then made the even harder decisions to let him become part of my family because she knew that keeping him wouldn’t be good for him. Both of these things were parenting. Making decisions that are best for your child, rather than easy for you is parenting and parenting well. Calling her “birth lady” is like calling her a doula. Her role is far bigger than just being there for his birth.

Birth lady and first mother are both offensive. So, what are you? Second mother, mother of last resort, back up mother, caretaker as you are not the real mother, fake mother??

Look, if you as the adoptive mother feel offended or undermined by the term "first mother,"
then you should not adopt.

FWIW, my friend who did two open adoptions refers to the birth mothers as "your mother" or "Mama [Name]" to her kids.

Anonymous wrote:OP, this did happen to friends of mine, and it was devastating for them, but the family of young mother stepped in and was supported he decision, and child remained with birth family and in good hands. Then, a month later agency called them out of the blue--a young woman decided to place newborn and asked agency to make the best decision, and they reached out to my friends, and for them it has felt like it was meant to be.

I hope it works out for you as well!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not use the word "mother" when explaining my adopted daughter's origins to her. I am her mother, the birth parents are the birth lady and the birth man. In no way would i assign a word like mother or father to them. My daughter can assign such terms to them if she wishes when she is older.

That’s really sad for your daughter.

Like it or not, that is her history, that’s how she came into this world. I don’t understand people who adopt, then try to erase or minimize the child’s past.

The choice of words has nothing to do with erasing someone from a child's life.

Birth lady? Yes that is about erasing a relationship.

My kid’s first mother made the incredibly hard decision to continue a pregnancy in difficult decisions. She then made the even harder decisions to let him become part of my family because she knew that keeping him wouldn’t be good for him. Both of these things were parenting. Making decisions that are best for your child, rather than easy for you is parenting and parenting well. Calling her “birth lady” is like calling her a doula. Her role is far bigger than just being there for his birth.

Birth lady and first mother are both offensive. So, what are you? Second mother, mother of last resort, back up mother, caretaker as you are not the real mother, fake mother??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not use the word "mother" when explaining my adopted daughter's origins to her. I am her mother, the birth parents are the birth lady and the birth man. In no way would i assign a word like mother or father to them. My daughter can assign such terms to them if she wishes when she is older.

That’s really sad for your daughter.

Like it or not, that is her history, that’s how she came into this world. I don’t understand people who adopt, then try to erase or minimize the child’s past.

The choice of words has nothing to do with erasing someone from a child's life.

Birth lady? Yes that is about erasing a relationship.

My kid’s first mother made the incredibly hard decision to continue a pregnancy in difficult decisions. She then made the even harder decisions to let him become part of my family because she knew that keeping him wouldn’t be good for him. Both of these things were parenting. Making decisions that are best for your child, rather than easy for you is parenting and parenting well. Calling her “birth lady” is like calling her a doula. Her role is far bigger than just being there for his birth.

Birth lady and first mother are both offensive. So, what are you? Second mother, mother of last resort, back up mother, caretaker as you are not the real mother, fake mother??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not use the word "mother" when explaining my adopted daughter's origins to her. I am her mother, the birth parents are the birth lady and the birth man. In no way would i assign a word like mother or father to them. My daughter can assign such terms to them if she wishes when she is older.

That’s really sad for your daughter.

Like it or not, that is her history, that’s how she came into this world. I don’t understand people who adopt, then try to erase or minimize the child’s past.

The choice of words has nothing to do with erasing someone from a child's life.

Birth lady? Yes that is about erasing a relationship.

My kid’s first mother made the incredibly hard decision to continue a pregnancy in difficult decisions. She then made the even harder decisions to let him become part of my family because she knew that keeping him wouldn’t be good for him. Both of these things were parenting. Making decisions that are best for your child, rather than easy for you is parenting and parenting well. Calling her “birth lady” is like calling her a doula. Her role is far bigger than just being there for his birth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About 15 years ago, DW and I were trying to adopt. In hindsight, I am 99% certain, the birth parent was using us to pay her expenses. What the agency did not tell us was that she had previously kept a baby after agreeing to give it up.

You can’t agree to give up a baby before birth. You can only explore the possibility.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not use the word "mother" when explaining my adopted daughter's origins to her. I am her mother, the birth parents are the birth lady and the birth man. In no way would i assign a word like mother or father to them. My daughter can assign such terms to them if she wishes when she is older.

That’s really sad for your daughter.

Like it or not, that is her history, that’s how she came into this world. I don’t understand people who adopt, then try to erase or minimize the child’s past.

The choice of words has nothing to do with erasing someone from a child's life.

Anonymous wrote:About 15 years ago, DW and I were trying to adopt. In hindsight, I am 99% certain, the birth parent was using us to pay her expenses. What the agency did not tell us was that she had previously kept a baby after agreeing to give it up.

Anonymous wrote:There are very few expenses that the prospective adoptive parents can pay

Anonymous wrote:About 15 years ago, DW and I were trying to adopt. In hindsight, I am 99% certain, the birth parent was using us to pay her expenses. What the agency did not tell us was that she had previously kept a baby after agreeing to give it up.