Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. My husband and I knew each other long before seriously dating and marrying (I was 35 when we got married, he was 42) and I knew who he was. He’s a great partner, we’re great friends, we’ve built a wonderful life together, and the agreement is: no long term affairs, no kids outside of our marriage, and wrap it up. I know he has dalliances when he travels and I really don’t care. I don’t feel a need to stray but know it would be okay for me to do so. It works for us.

This is our marriage too. Same rules, works for us. I bet there are lots out there who feel similarly. I assume many of those fidelity purists are newlyweds who can't fathom what a long term marriage with warts and all can look like.

I don't think fidelity purists, more like you couldn't stop your husband so this was the next best solution. An excuse of acceptance to keep your family under one roof. All good until he finds someone else, or does get someone pregnant.

NP. My husband did get his AP pregnant and while there was quite a bit of unpleasantness around that, we are still married.

You are married to a cheater who had kids outside of the marriage who has no problem exposing you to potential illness and in that vein no problem depriving your kids from their mother should you contract an illness resulting in your death. But yay you're still married!

LOL you're SO invested in telling perfect strangers you know all about them. So dramatic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. My husband and I knew each other long before seriously dating and marrying (I was 35 when we got married, he was 42) and I knew who he was. He’s a great partner, we’re great friends, we’ve built a wonderful life together, and the agreement is: no long term affairs, no kids outside of our marriage, and wrap it up. I know he has dalliances when he travels and I really don’t care. I don’t feel a need to stray but know it would be okay for me to do so. It works for us.

This is our marriage too. Same rules, works for us. I bet there are lots out there who feel similarly. I assume many of those fidelity purists are newlyweds who can't fathom what a long term marriage with warts and all can look like.

I don't think fidelity purists, more like you couldn't stop your husband so this was the next best solution. An excuse of acceptance to keep your family under one roof. All good until he finds someone else, or does get someone pregnant.

NP. My husband did get his AP pregnant and while there was quite a bit of unpleasantness around that, we are still married.

You are married to a cheater who had kids outside of the marriage who has no problem exposing you to potential illness and in that vein no problem depriving your kids from their mother should you contract an illness resulting in your death. But yay you're still married!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. My husband and I knew each other long before seriously dating and marrying (I was 35 when we got married, he was 42) and I knew who he was. He’s a great partner, we’re great friends, we’ve built a wonderful life together, and the agreement is: no long term affairs, no kids outside of our marriage, and wrap it up. I know he has dalliances when he travels and I really don’t care. I don’t feel a need to stray but know it would be okay for me to do so. It works for us.

This is our marriage too. Same rules, works for us. I bet there are lots out there who feel similarly. I assume many of those fidelity purists are newlyweds who can't fathom what a long term marriage with warts and all can look like.

I don't think fidelity purists, more like you couldn't stop your husband so this was the next best solution. An excuse of acceptance to keep your family under one roof. All good until he finds someone else, or does get someone pregnant.

NP. My husband did get his AP pregnant and while there was quite a bit of unpleasantness around that, we are still married.

Anonymous wrote:There are women and men who are not able to be satisfied by one mate for life. As long as it’s DADT or open, it’s not cheating. Cheating involves lying and deceit. If I say I’m going out tonight, I’ll be home around 11, that’s not lying. If we have an open dialogue about getting it but DADT, then it’s not deceitful. Maybe I’m going out for a girls night, maybe I’m going to an art class, maybe I’m meeting AP. If it’s weekly or taking precedence over family, that’s different.

Signed a DW (who has been with the same person for 20 years and no one else but is realistic that monogomy is hard -for both sexes).

Wow! You sound like a person who never ran a marathon and complaining how hard it is. The reality, the person who hasn't done it doesn't know how good it feels.

I am also has been married for 20+ years, no cheating on either side, and it is only getting better. our kids are grown up, one already left the house and sex is better than when we were 20.

What's next? If DH pulls of the perfect heist and steals millions of worker's retirement funds. We become millionaires without ever revealing how or getting caught but he is kind with the kids!

The only people making sense on this thread are the ones with self respect (All Nos)

Please stop lowering the bar for immoral behavior.

Yes, if I can step out too but I would be livid if any $$ was spent on OW so not ok.

No. An affair is everlasting and it will come to light. Devastation of an affair drives feelings of guilt that motivates the cheating spouse to demonize the faithful spouse in an attempt to justify their affair. They will accuse their faithful spouse of many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. The faithful spouse is portrayed as an inadequate partner, which left the cheating spouse no choice but to find an adequate replacement.

Not only will the faithful spouse be demonized, history is rewritten to make it appear that he/she has been inadequate for the entire duration of the marriage. The cheating spouse will recreate the marriage and what happened during the marriage to make it appear that they have suffered much pain and unhappiness throughout the entire marriage.

MAKING PROMISES NEED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m not sure why my marriage arrangement bothers you so much, because I’m happy. My husband is my husband - we have the house, the cars, the holidays, the vacations, the financial accounts. This is not at risk. We are committed to each other as primary partners. Our kids see a mature, loving partnership based on openness and trust, rather than duplicity and deception, as is the case in cheating relationships. I adore him and he adores me. His occasional dalliance does not negate that.

Are you really wondering about the financial and societal benefits of marriage? That the efforts and energies of two people together is greater than maintaining two separate households?

I completely agree with your perspective on marriage. I don't think monogamy is biologically normal and I'm not religious, so why should I give up a great relationship because my man wanted a little new physical excitement? I used to be devastated when he cheated, like the world ended. Every time I thought of those women and the circumstances around them I'd feel stick to my stomach.

But then I cheated, and now I totally get it. I can 100% understand how me wanting to kiss a new guy doesn't change my love for my partner or the strength of our relationship at all. I can understand now how sometimes it really can just be a physical thing.

I also agree with this -- marriage can handle a lot more complexity than a lot of these posters think, and that often, the affair is much, much more about the cheater discovering a new side of themselves, than about anything missing in their primary partner. If the primary partner can be open to it, life can be really full. I love Esther Perel and everything she has to say about modern marriage. Love her TED talks and podcast, highly recommend to anyone following this thread with interest.

Many don't share Perel's views and view her as a phony.



Chump lady doesn't have kind things to say about her either. Actually her analysis is pretty spot on.

Chump Lady has built a career from being a victim. Pretty sad if you think about it. (And I’ve been cheated on.)

Actually she has multiple degrees, works and is happily remarried for many years. Far from a victim.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m not sure why my marriage arrangement bothers you so much, because I’m happy. My husband is my husband - we have the house, the cars, the holidays, the vacations, the financial accounts. This is not at risk. We are committed to each other as primary partners. Our kids see a mature, loving partnership based on openness and trust, rather than duplicity and deception, as is the case in cheating relationships. I adore him and he adores me. His occasional dalliance does not negate that.

Are you really wondering about the financial and societal benefits of marriage? That the efforts and energies of two people together is greater than maintaining two separate households?

I completely agree with your perspective on marriage. I don't think monogamy is biologically normal and I'm not religious, so why should I give up a great relationship because my man wanted a little new physical excitement? I used to be devastated when he cheated, like the world ended. Every time I thought of those women and the circumstances around them I'd feel stick to my stomach.

But then I cheated, and now I totally get it. I can 100% understand how me wanting to kiss a new guy doesn't change my love for my partner or the strength of our relationship at all. I can understand now how sometimes it really can just be a physical thing.

I also agree with this -- marriage can handle a lot more complexity than a lot of these posters think, and that often, the affair is much, much more about the cheater discovering a new side of themselves, than about anything missing in their primary partner. If the primary partner can be open to it, life can be really full. I love Esther Perel and everything she has to say about modern marriage. Love her TED talks and podcast, highly recommend to anyone following this thread with interest.

Many don't share Perel's views and view her as a phony.

Chump lady doesn't have kind things to say about her either. Actually her analysis is pretty spot on.

Well, I do like Esther perel (and I haven't had an affair). Her perspective on the tension between stability and freedom/openness in a marriage is really wise -- the drive to.only have stability will kill the individuals sense of.openness to the world and that isn't sustainable, either. People will become depressed/fight out in other ways.

The problem with DADT relationships is that they work well when the husband wants to get a little on the side. As a woman with a high libido, I have yet to met a man that is OK with one without major restrictions. This leads me to believe that they are reactionary in nature. The wives aren't really given a true option.

Signed,

Still looking for that guy who is open to his wife getting banged out on the side.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m not sure why my marriage arrangement bothers you so much, because I’m happy. My husband is my husband - we have the house, the cars, the holidays, the vacations, the financial accounts. This is not at risk. We are committed to each other as primary partners. Our kids see a mature, loving partnership based on openness and trust, rather than duplicity and deception, as is the case in cheating relationships. I adore him and he adores me. His occasional dalliance does not negate that.

Are you really wondering about the financial and societal benefits of marriage? That the efforts and energies of two people together is greater than maintaining two separate households?

I completely agree with your perspective on marriage. I don't think monogamy is biologically normal and I'm not religious, so why should I give up a great relationship because my man wanted a little new physical excitement? I used to be devastated when he cheated, like the world ended. Every time I thought of those women and the circumstances around them I'd feel stick to my stomach.

But then I cheated, and now I totally get it. I can 100% understand how me wanting to kiss a new guy doesn't change my love for my partner or the strength of our relationship at all. I can understand now how sometimes it really can just be a physical thing.

I also agree with this -- marriage can handle a lot more complexity than a lot of these posters think, and that often, the affair is much, much more about the cheater discovering a new side of themselves, than about anything missing in their primary partner. If the primary partner can be open to it, life can be really full. I love Esther Perel and everything she has to say about modern marriage. Love her TED talks and podcast, highly recommend to anyone following this thread with interest.

Many don't share Perel's views and view her as a phony.



Chump lady doesn't have kind things to say about her either. Actually her analysis is pretty spot on.

Chump Lady has built a career from being a victim. Pretty sad if you think about it. (And I’ve been cheated on.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m not sure why my marriage arrangement bothers you so much, because I’m happy. My husband is my husband - we have the house, the cars, the holidays, the vacations, the financial accounts. This is not at risk. We are committed to each other as primary partners. Our kids see a mature, loving partnership based on openness and trust, rather than duplicity and deception, as is the case in cheating relationships. I adore him and he adores me. His occasional dalliance does not negate that.

Are you really wondering about the financial and societal benefits of marriage? That the efforts and energies of two people together is greater than maintaining two separate households?

I completely agree with your perspective on marriage. I don't think monogamy is biologically normal and I'm not religious, so why should I give up a great relationship because my man wanted a little new physical excitement? I used to be devastated when he cheated, like the world ended. Every time I thought of those women and the circumstances around them I'd feel stick to my stomach.

But then I cheated, and now I totally get it. I can 100% understand how me wanting to kiss a new guy doesn't change my love for my partner or the strength of our relationship at all. I can understand now how sometimes it really can just be a physical thing.

I also agree with this -- marriage can handle a lot more complexity than a lot of these posters think, and that often, the affair is much, much more about the cheater discovering a new side of themselves, than about anything missing in their primary partner. If the primary partner can be open to it, life can be really full. I love Esther Perel and everything she has to say about modern marriage. Love her TED talks and podcast, highly recommend to anyone following this thread with interest.

Many don't share Perel's views and view her as a phony.

Chump lady doesn't have kind things to say about her either. Actually her analysis is pretty spot on.

i would allow it as long as I didn’t know it was going on

The having sex with another man ... noooooo

He’s gay & that means he’s never going to be satisfied with a woman myself or another woman.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m not sure why my marriage arrangement bothers you so much, because I’m happy. My husband is my husband - we have the house, the cars, the holidays, the vacations, the financial accounts. This is not at risk. We are committed to each other as primary partners. Our kids see a mature, loving partnership based on openness and trust, rather than duplicity and deception, as is the case in cheating relationships. I adore him and he adores me. His occasional dalliance does not negate that.

Are you really wondering about the financial and societal benefits of marriage? That the efforts and energies of two people together is greater than maintaining two separate households?

I completely agree with your perspective on marriage. I don't think monogamy is biologically normal and I'm not religious, so why should I give up a great relationship because my man wanted a little new physical excitement? I used to be devastated when he cheated, like the world ended. Every time I thought of those women and the circumstances around them I'd feel stick to my stomach.

But then I cheated, and now I totally get it. I can 100% understand how me wanting to kiss a new guy doesn't change my love for my partner or the strength of our relationship at all. I can understand now how sometimes it really can just be a physical thing.

I also agree with this -- marriage can handle a lot more complexity than a lot of these posters think, and that often, the affair is much, much more about the cheater discovering a new side of themselves, than about anything missing in their primary partner. If the primary partner can be open to it, life can be really full. I love Esther Perel and everything she has to say about modern marriage. Love her TED talks and podcast, highly recommend to anyone following this thread with interest.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. My husband and I knew each other long before seriously dating and marrying (I was 35 when we got married, he was 42) and I knew who he was. He’s a great partner, we’re great friends, we’ve built a wonderful life together, and the agreement is: no long term affairs, no kids outside of our marriage, and wrap it up. I know he has dalliances when he travels and I really don’t care. I don’t feel a need to stray but know it would be okay for me to do so. It works for us.

This is our marriage too. Same rules, works for us. I bet there are lots out there who feel similarly. I assume many of those fidelity purists are newlyweds who can't fathom what a long term marriage with warts and all can look like.

I feel bad for you. A lot of psychological problems if you are accepting of this. Maybe try looking for a therapist who could help you understand why you allow this. Childhood or other issues you're not aware of.

LOL. Welcome to DCUM, where anyone with viewpoints different from your own means they’re psychologically damaged.

I would normally agree with this especially on DCUM. However, this is pretty sad and extreme. It may work for awhile until the kids find out, or the husband finds someone else.