Anonymous
Post 12/19/2018 17:06     Subject: How to limit the number of days in-laws visit
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:not defending DH's parents, but I always wonder how my kids will treat my husband and I when we visit their families when they are grown. I am sure I'd want to see my sons more than once a year for a few days. I bet step 1 is to stay at the hotel and step 2 is to volunteer to babysit a lot or step 3 meet at a resort. Hopefully we'll have a better relationship that this is not an issue.


I LOVE my parents and they're my best friends. But 10 days of them and I might go insane. The vast majority of adults don't even have that much leave that they could take off while they're parents visit. I get 2.5 weeks a year, 10 days of visiting would wipe me out of leave and I wouldn't be able to take my own vacation.


It's this. And most parents get it, they really do. They had parents/in-laws who liked to visit, too.

This idea that everyone has to pile into the same house and Make.It.Work.Dammit is silly. If it doesn't work, find another solution.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2018 17:04     Subject: Re:How to limit the number of days in-laws visit
Anonymous wrote:You can do 5 days and then take of for 5 days. It is not something to fight about. Parents can come for as long as they want to, whenever they want to - but you or your spouse do not have to cater to them. My mom lives with my eldest brother. My SIL does not do anything for my mom. My brother has hired a daily cook and cleaning person. My mom pays him enough money so that a lot of his costs are subsidized. My mom pays for her own meds etc. My brother is responsible for her tasks - paperwork, travel, dr visit etc and not my SIL. This is the way our family operates. You look after the parents and ILs but you put support in place so the spouse does not have to deal with it.

As for your need to sit them down and talk to them. Please don't. It will only make matters worse and result in deep wounds that will not heal. Of course this is my two cents. YMMV.


Your SIL is doing a lot for your mom if she is allowing your mom to live in her house. You seem to discount her contribution but w/o your SIL's consent in the matter this arrangement would not be working.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2018 16:42     Subject: Re:How to limit the number of days in-laws visit
You can do 5 days and then take of for 5 days. It is not something to fight about. Parents can come for as long as they want to, whenever they want to - but you or your spouse do not have to cater to them. My mom lives with my eldest brother. My SIL does not do anything for my mom. My brother has hired a daily cook and cleaning person. My mom pays him enough money so that a lot of his costs are subsidized. My mom pays for her own meds etc. My brother is responsible for her tasks - paperwork, travel, dr visit etc and not my SIL. This is the way our family operates. You look after the parents and ILs but you put support in place so the spouse does not have to deal with it.

As for your need to sit them down and talk to them. Please don't. It will only make matters worse and result in deep wounds that will not heal. Of course this is my two cents. YMMV.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2018 16:18     Subject: How to limit the number of days in-laws visit
Anonymous wrote:From now on, I would only allow visits to them. Don't have them at your house anymore. You come for the holidays when you are up to the 3 hour flight, and you go for five days max.


If this is realistic and affordable for OP, this actually sounds much simpler than trying to limit their stays at OP's home to 5 days.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2018 15:01     Subject: How to limit the number of days in-laws visit
Anonymous wrote:not defending DH's parents, but I always wonder how my kids will treat my husband and I when we visit their families when they are grown. I am sure I'd want to see my sons more than once a year for a few days. I bet step 1 is to stay at the hotel and step 2 is to volunteer to babysit a lot or step 3 meet at a resort. Hopefully we'll have a better relationship that this is not an issue.


I LOVE my parents and they're my best friends. But 10 days of them and I might go insane. The vast majority of adults don't even have that much leave that they could take off while they're parents visit. I get 2.5 weeks a year, 10 days of visiting would wipe me out of leave and I wouldn't be able to take my own vacation.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2018 14:58     Subject: How to limit the number of days in-laws visit
From now on, I would only allow visits to them. Don't have them at your house anymore. You come for the holidays when you are up to the 3 hour flight, and you go for five days max.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2018 14:56     Subject: How to limit the number of days in-laws visit
Anonymous wrote:not defending DH's parents, but I always wonder how my kids will treat my husband and I when we visit their families when they are grown. I am sure I'd want to see my sons more than once a year for a few days. I bet step 1 is to stay at the hotel and step 2 is to volunteer to babysit a lot or step 3 meet at a resort. Hopefully we'll have a better relationship that this is not an issue.


If you start by listening to and respecting their boundaries--as in staying for 5 nights instead of springing a 10-night visit on them, knowing they don't want it--you'll be in good shape.

Step 1 is not to stay at a hotel. It is to LISTEN TO and RESPECT what their wishes are.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2018 14:29     Subject: How to limit the number of days in-laws visit
not defending DH's parents, but I always wonder how my kids will treat my husband and I when we visit their families when they are grown. I am sure I'd want to see my sons more than once a year for a few days. I bet step 1 is to stay at the hotel and step 2 is to volunteer to babysit a lot or step 3 meet at a resort. Hopefully we'll have a better relationship that this is not an issue.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2018 14:18     Subject: How to limit the number of days in-laws visit
Anonymous wrote:Would they watch the kid while you and your dh had a couple of nights away in a nice hotel?


DP - this should only happen during the 5 days agreed upon. If it's done in the 2nd 5 days, the ILs and DH can rationalize that staying 10 days was the right thing to do.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2018 13:04     Subject: How to limit the number of days in-laws visit
Anonymous wrote:
This is your hill to die on. Seriously. If you don’t do something drastic they will always stomp all over your boundaries.

This is worth burning vacation days to get out of the house. Be SURE that you take the kids with you. Otherwise they’re getting rewarded with grandchildren time. Try to time it so the groceries are running out when you leave and your DH is in charge of them for the whole visit.

If they stomp all over your boundaries, you can only choose how you react, so for this trip my response to everything would be:

“I don’t know what DH planned, please check with him.” Big smile. Rinse and repeat.

This would be in response to questions about dinner, towels coffee, etc. Leaving with the kids makes the imposition uncomfortable for the in-laws. The “ask DH” approach makes it uncomfortable for DH....- even if you’re just killing time at Starbucks.

If the ILs want to play games, show them you can play too.


The Hill to Die On.

1. NO airport pick-ups and drop-offs. Those relatives have a 3 hour flight and do not rent a car.
2. Outings. People have had guests who expect driving rather than metro on any junkets. Includes from Courthouse or walkable redline stops. They go on metro and you point out the card sales machines.
3. Their gifts - tickets to a show or movie your family also enjoys.
4. Food preferences - had a guest who took up 1 full shelf of our fridge. Don't allow it.
5. No laundry service. Complaints about cleanliness of bathroom or floor? Ahh. There's the cleanser and sweeper.
6. If they don't like certain food and OP's family enjoys it - that is the meal.
7. Never reach for the check.
8. They don't ever get to control the TV remotes.
9. Hopefully they bring laptop/ipad whatever. If not - no access to your machines.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2018 12:42     Subject: How to limit the number of days in-laws visit
Would they watch the kid while you and your dh had a couple of nights away in a nice hotel?
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2018 12:40     Subject: How to limit the number of days in-laws visit
How will your family react?

We had something happen like this. I held up my end and enforced with my family, exDH did not with his. My family went off on me something horrible when they found out different treatment was giving. I was called a lying, secretive B-word that obviously favored his family. The whole drama filled "well if you don't want us there, we won't be coming."
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2018 12:23     Subject: Re:How to limit the number of days in-laws visit
Friends over and a party every night. LEt them enjoy the sounds of 8 six year olds running around screaming. Have friends over for game night! Don't give them the satisfaction of dictating your life.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2018 10:58     Subject: Re:How to limit the number of days in-laws visit
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yep! OPs DH needs to feel it and feel it bad. Op should be very sweet and host the first 5 days. After that tell inlaws to ask DH about everything. Say you handled the first 5 and since he okayed the next 5 he is their contact. I would limit their time with the kids and have a ton of play dates or things to do out of the house. Hell, even take the kids out to dinner with a friend. Invite friends over for pizza and a movie. Anything to avoid rewarding the inlaws and DH for this.


Yup, get on the stick now to line up these invitations.

Day 6--Take DD and her best friend out to a movie.

Day 7--Take DD and another friend/parent and arrange to meet at a play place or a museum or some such.

Day 8--Spa day for you! Grandparents can watch your kid while you get mani/pedi, hair cut, whatever you need.

Day 9--You're taking your daughter shopping to take advantage of post-holiday sales.

Day 10--BYE!


This would have backfired on me when I was in the same position. MIL would have said “see! I helped watch the kids! Wife got a break”. In my situation, the only thing that worked was making my husband take off from work. Only OP knows what’s going to get her husbands attention, though.


Not if you add a direct conversation on the last night: "Mary, Jim, I worked through this for the sake of peace for my child during the holidays, but I want to be clear with you that you overstaying your welcome is never happening again. If you book tickets beyond what Jim tells you we've agreed to, know that you will not be staying in this house for the extra time. I can't control when you choose to buy tickets, but you will need to find a hotel, and know that we won't be visiting with you during your extended trip. This is never happening again. And if you push us on this, you won't be visiting at all."
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2018 10:35     Subject: How to limit the number of days in-laws visit
Anonymous wrote:Holy moly.

I would leave my husband over this, OP. I know you don’t want to hear that, but I would.

The two of you had an agreement where you had already compromised to the point where it was quite frankly unfair for you, and then he stabs you in the back by agreeing to something he knew for a fact you’d disagree with. And not for any emergency either, just because he allowed them to manipulate him.

As for what to do for this trip, since your marriage is now on the rocks, I’d tell them to cancel their tickets entirely. If they come anyway, or your husband doesn’t have the balls to tell them (likely, I’d guess) then you book a hotel for yourself (and kids if you wish) for the entire time. Let him explain why. You’re now officially off the hook for ever dealing with them again.


This. Good lord OP, your husband just told you that he blames you for his parents' bad behavior. You're not wrong for not liking your husband and his parents mistreating you. Then he allows his parents to trample the boundary you both just set. There's no way to limit the number of days your IL's visit because your DH isn't on board. I can't believe the number of people suggesting how to keep playing along with this crazy game until PP finally got it.

At the very least, you need marriage counseling ASAP. If your husband won't go, then you go alone to learn how to respect yourself and stop these patterns. I'm sorry for your situation. Take care, you deserve better.