Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate that if you aren’t completely bonded with your step child you’re considered an awful person.

My SS bio mom actually thanked me for never crossing the line and trying to be his “mom”

We don’t have custody, so his bio mom is actively in his life. He knows I’m a trusted adult he can depend on, but his mom is his mom. I’ve been in his life since he was in elem school (he’s not in Hs) and this is how it’s always been. I never wanted to make him feel uncomfortable by forcing affection, or disrespect his mom.

I think it all depends on the custody arrangements and age of SC.

I agree. I have the same situation you describe above. I feel like I am a trusted adult for my stepchild, and I will definitely be here to give her advice, or to provide assistance as she gets older. However, I simply do not feel a financial obligation to her, anymore than I feel one for a niece or nephew. She has two wonderful parents to look out for her and I am just a bonus adult who cares about her.

Being a stepmom is "damned if you do, damned if you don't" sometimes. Step in too much, and you are accused of trying to take a bio parent's place. Step back too much, you are accused of hating the stepkids.

I agree with PP. I tried very hard to be there for my step-child for the past three years. All I get back is ungratefulness and my step-child just ignores me or tells me how "I have no respect for you, because you're an awful person." As of this week, I am freeing myself from anything beyond food, shelter, and medical care. If things are not appreciated, why should I continue to be doing them?

Anonymous wrote:We have merged finances, although I do earn about 3/4 of the income. DSS is now in college and we pay 80% of his tuition as well as room and board. I hate to say it to a previous poster, but it’s actually become harder in ways now that’s he’s older. I wouldn’t say I go so far as resent, but I do have different ideas on appropriate levels of support, and not having equal input can be frustrating. For example, DSS is supposed to earn his own money outside of necessities ... but DH is much laxer about giving spending money for meals out, leisure activities, etc. It does get kind of old feeling like I’m being a stereotypical cheap evil stepmom (not that that’s been said - but it’s always the subtext when we disagree) when we are paying more than $70,000 a year and covering a lot of extras already. (Like we pay for car insurance and maintenance, but not gas. We bought a subway pass but aren’t paying for random Uber’s. We paid for unlimited meal plan, but not lunches out) DH is much more likely to approve these random expenses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think step parents get bad reps. They're expected to treat their step-kids just like their own in terms of financials, etc but they dare try to be part of any decision making and nooo, they're not the bio-parent so don't get a right, etc, etc. Lose on both ends.

Many times they fully deserve it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think step parents get bad reps. They're expected to treat their step-kids just like their own in terms of financials, etc but they dare try to be part of any decision making and nooo, they're not the bio-parent so don't get a right, etc, etc. Lose on both ends.

Many times they fully deserve it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

Ok, how do you deal emotionally with this one-sided arrangement? I think this is what the OP is getting at. It's a recipe for resentment.

I only have to deal with it for another 1.5 years until step-DD is off to college. I go to therapy and I have iron-clad boundaries set with step-DD and DH on what I will and will not do. My step-DD is rather ungrateful child and thinks the world is owed to her and we need to dance to her tune daily. I feel sad for her at times, due to her parents not doing any actual parenting and her mom not being there for her.

Ohhhhhh you just wait. They need money in college. Textbooks. “Walking around money” if they want to live off campus after freshman year there’s rent and all of that. Bitter? Me? Noooooooooo......

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

Ok, how do you deal emotionally with this one-sided arrangement? I think this is what the OP is getting at. It's a recipe for resentment.

I only have to deal with it for another 1.5 years until step-DD is off to college. I go to therapy and I have iron-clad boundaries set with step-DD and DH on what I will and will not do. My step-DD is rather ungrateful child and thinks the world is owed to her and we need to dance to her tune daily. I feel sad for her at times, due to her parents not doing any actual parenting and her mom not being there for her.

Anonymous wrote:I think the answer changes whether you married a SAHM or a working woman who makes the same income.

Anonymous wrote:I think step parents get bad reps. They're expected to treat their step-kids just like their own in terms of financials, etc but they dare try to be part of any decision making and nooo, they're not the bio-parent so don't get a right, etc, etc. Lose on both ends.

Anonymous wrote:I think the answer changes whether you married a SAHM or a working woman who makes the same income.

Anonymous wrote:I think step parents get bad reps. They're expected to treat their step-kids just like their own in terms of financials, etc but they dare try to be part of any decision making and nooo, they're not the bio-parent so don't get a right, etc, etc. Lose on both ends.

Anonymous wrote:I think step parents get bad reps. They're expected to treat their step-kids just like their own in terms of financials, etc but they dare try to be part of any decision making and nooo, they're not the bio-parent so don't get a right, etc, etc. Lose on both ends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate that if you aren’t completely bonded with your step child you’re considered an awful person.

My SS bio mom actually thanked me for never crossing the line and trying to be his “mom”

We don’t have custody, so his bio mom is actively in his life. He knows I’m a trusted adult he can depend on, but his mom is his mom. I’ve been in his life since he was in elem school (he’s not in Hs) and this is how it’s always been. I never wanted to make him feel uncomfortable by forcing affection, or disrespect his mom.

I think it all depends on the custody arrangements and age of SC.

I agree. I have the same situation you describe above. I feel like I am a trusted adult for my stepchild, and I will definitely be here to give her advice, or to provide assistance as she gets older. However, I simply do not feel a financial obligation to her, anymore than I feel one for a niece or nephew. She has two wonderful parents to look out for her and I am just a bonus adult who cares about her.

Being a stepmom is "damned if you do, damned if you don't" sometimes. Step in too much, and you are accused of trying to take a bio parent's place. Step back too much, you are accused of hating the stepkids.

Anonymous wrote:I hate that if you aren’t completely bonded with your step child you’re considered an awful person.

My SS bio mom actually thanked me for never crossing the line and trying to be his “mom”

We don’t have custody, so his bio mom is actively in his life. He knows I’m a trusted adult he can depend on, but his mom is his mom. I’ve been in his life since he was in elem school (he’s not in Hs) and this is how it’s always been. I never wanted to make him feel uncomfortable by forcing affection, or disrespect his mom.

I think it all depends on the custody arrangements and age of SC.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing. I make it a point to keep our finances separate to ensure that I don't contribute financially to DH's kids. Not that I don't like them or anything but they have two parents who work and pay for their upkeep. I might get flamed for saying this, but I see myself as DH"s wife and that is that. I am not their mother, I didn't create them so why should I pay for them? An older coworker I know is still working because she spent her retirement money on her second husband's son's college bill, and interestingly enough, her husband left her for a younger woman! So call me cynical but I would never want to be used or feel used that way.

My ex’s new wife doesn’t contribute to her step-kids. I wouldn’t mind so much about not spending on college, activities and health care, but she hasn’t so much as bought a bed for them to sleep on during visitation.

And new wife demands my ex spend a lot of money on her - engagement ring from Tiffany, expensive wedding and honeymoon, expensive vacations, and multiple trips abroad each year - often scheduled during the kids holidays. Oh, and because they got married without considering how her income would impact financial aid, her resources affect the share of college that ex is supposed to pay for (which he doesn’t anyway.)

The whole thing is pretty sad. I don’t expect her to pay, but I also don’t expect her to make life harder for my kids, and I expect her to treat my kids as well as any stranger in her home. Kids don’t know the financial details but new wife’s attitude bleeds out in other ways.