Anonymous
Post 09/25/2018 13:58     Subject: Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't think some of you posters are really envisioning quite how big 15K sq feet is. Look at this house here. It is 9000 sq feet. Now imagine something almost twice as big. Is that really necessary? For a family of five, with in-laws who visit? The environmental footprint alone. . .

https://www.redfin.com/VA/McLean/6319-Old-Dominion-Dr-22101/home/9410779


That house finally sold? It was on the market for years.


Old Dominion is a main road.
Anonymous
Post 09/25/2018 13:58     Subject: Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?
Here's a house that is 15,000 sq ft, if you want to envision it:

http://mansionsandmore.blogspot.com/2012/04/another-lakefront-illinois-mansion-w.html

Anonymous
Post 09/25/2018 13:57     Subject: Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:To echo some of what's been said in this thread, I would not be intimidated or put-off by a mom friend with a 15,000 square foot house. But, it does say something about how she and her DH choose to spend money, and, potentially, their social background. The truly wealthy (and I know a handful, from college) might have huge estates, but they would never, ever send their children to public school. The solidly wealthy, who grew up wealthy, don't feel any need to have a 15K square foot house, and tend to be more subtle with their money. Having a 15K square foot house screams: Look at me! I have money now! in a way that's not super classy.

That said, I would totally not eliminate a mom friend for having a house that size, especially if she was open about her insecurities, or joked about the size of her home, etc. I would find that endearing.


I would not find it endearing. I would find it fakey. I'd be like, "Ok, honey, but you and your spouse DID buy this house, so don't try to pretend you had nothing to do with this." Unless you were just a passive wife, and let your husband make all the decisions about the house? And that would be offputting to me too, and also say that you and I are different.


+1. OP, I think you are just finding prospective friends whose values are very different from yours yours. Either stick to playdates at parks to downplay this, or try to meet other families at your income level. A 15,000 SF home in my area would cost $10M+ and even if you are a perfectly lovely person, I can't imagine I'd find much common ground with someone whose income was that many times ours (and whose lifestyle reflected it--I do have friends who could afford a $10M house, but who choose to have much smaller homes in less elite neighborhoods and live more typical lives, and that's been fine). It would just be an uncomfortable friendship, and I'd probably avoid it.


How is it OP would not care, but you would? Besides your assumptions, which are inaccurate - it is making you feel inadequate. You should see someone about that, seriously.
Anonymous
Post 09/25/2018 13:56     Subject: Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?
Anonymous wrote:I don't think some of you posters are really envisioning quite how big 15K sq feet is. Look at this house here. It is 9000 sq feet. Now imagine something almost twice as big. Is that really necessary? For a family of five, with in-laws who visit? The environmental footprint alone. . .

https://www.redfin.com/VA/McLean/6319-Old-Dominion-Dr-22101/home/9410779


OP these are the people you don’t want to befriend on accident. You can usually tell them by their straight stance from the stick up their ass and scowl on their face. We can only say “bless their heart” when we pass them by.
Anonymous
Post 09/25/2018 13:56     Subject: Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?
Anonymous wrote:I don't think some of you posters are really envisioning quite how big 15K sq feet is. Look at this house here. It is 9000 sq feet. Now imagine something almost twice as big. Is that really necessary? For a family of five, with in-laws who visit? The environmental footprint alone. . .

https://www.redfin.com/VA/McLean/6319-Old-Dominion-Dr-22101/home/9410779


That house finally sold? It was on the market for years.
Anonymous
Post 09/25/2018 13:55     Subject: Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly I would strongly question your values and judgment if I knew you lived in such a big house. Can you explain why you do?


We have a home office, different areas for the different kids and a spacious in law suite.

Our parents are old and in bad health - cancer. The reason for the extra large home is for our parents. They may not have long to live so we want them to be comfortable and we want our own space.

Our entertaining areas, especially the baby areas, are the same as our old house. We just have new separate larger areas for the extended family and older kids. Our older kids attend public school.


Do you have like 4 sets of parents living with you? Otherwise, weird and we won’t be friends.


No one lives with us. It is just our family of five.


??????? You JUST said the space is for your parents.


For when they visit.


Again, speaking for MYself, this would be another thing that would say to me, "I disagree with this. I don't have a common way of thinking with these people." To me, the thought of so much square footage sitting empty, using $ to heat it and cool it, is so wasteful, the resources to buy it, build it, furnish it -- I cannot even believe it. The waste of environmental energy, the waste, the sheer waste.


Yup, so wasteful. I was raised to see that kind of conspicuous consumption (about half your house is empty most of the time, by design) as a sin, to be honest. And frankly, I'd figure that you were really materialistic and high maintenance and that you are totally out of touch with normal people.


And to think we bought this large house because we value our family so much.


Your parents don't need their own 4,000 sq ft of living space to be comfortable staying with you. If anything, I wonder sometimes how much people value their families when they buy houses seemingly designed to let everyone get as far away from each other as possible.


Say what? My friends who have large houses seem to be the gathering spaces for our large group of friends and our children - great not only for hide and seek, but also for their game room and their wide assortment of spaces that my house will never have. Y'all are small minded as they get. No wonder y'all are so jelly and insecure when you hear Larla has this or that. We all know you are teaching your kids your toxic ways. Good luck with that.

Anonymous
Post 09/25/2018 13:54     Subject: Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?
I would be all over you to get into that house and look around. We lived in flyover country before and there was a house that literally is a castle! I was gobsmacked when I met the mom who lives there at swim lessons. We sat together for weeks and had her family over before she invited us over. I loved it. And since I knew her before knowing she lived in a castle it was all good. I didn’t find it intimidating.
Anonymous
Post 09/25/2018 13:53     Subject: Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?
I don't think some of you posters are really envisioning quite how big 15K sq feet is. Look at this house here. It is 9000 sq feet. Now imagine something almost twice as big. Is that really necessary? For a family of five, with in-laws who visit? The environmental footprint alone. . .

https://www.redfin.com/VA/McLean/6319-Old-Dominion-Dr-22101/home/9410779
Anonymous
Post 09/25/2018 13:53     Subject: Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:To echo some of what's been said in this thread, I would not be intimidated or put-off by a mom friend with a 15,000 square foot house. But, it does say something about how she and her DH choose to spend money, and, potentially, their social background. The truly wealthy (and I know a handful, from college) might have huge estates, but they would never, ever send their children to public school. The solidly wealthy, who grew up wealthy, don't feel any need to have a 15K square foot house, and tend to be more subtle with their money. Having a 15K square foot house screams: Look at me! I have money now! in a way that's not super classy.

That said, I would totally not eliminate a mom friend for having a house that size, especially if she was open about her insecurities, or joked about the size of her home, etc. I would find that endearing.


I would not find it endearing. I would find it fakey. I'd be like, "Ok, honey, but you and your spouse DID buy this house, so don't try to pretend you had nothing to do with this." Unless you were just a passive wife, and let your husband make all the decisions about the house? And that would be offputting to me too, and also say that you and I are different.


+1. OP, I think you are just finding prospective friends whose values are very different from yours yours. Either stick to playdates at parks to downplay this, or try to meet other families at your income level. A 15,000 SF home in my area would cost $10M+ and even if you are a perfectly lovely person, I can't imagine I'd find much common ground with someone whose income was that many times ours (and whose lifestyle reflected it--I do have friends who could afford a $10M house, but who choose to have much smaller homes in less elite neighborhoods and live more typical lives, and that's been fine). It would just be an uncomfortable friendship, and I'd probably avoid it.
Anonymous
Post 09/25/2018 13:52     Subject: Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I just went to a play date at a house that was 10,000 square feet and I was a little intimidated TBH - but I am still inviting the friend over this week. So, no.


oh, and the mom is beautiful, nice, gracious and kind, and this is in a very sought after suburb of DC that is close in. She is also wildly well educated and a humanitarian. Look, some people are just very #blessed, but it is not a zero sum game. I choose to think of it as gaining a great place for my kid to hang out, lol.


TIMES A MILLION. YOU GET IT. Yes, I am yelling. This PP sounds like a mature, secure adult that I would like to spend time with - my small rental house, and all.
Anonymous
Post 09/25/2018 13:52     Subject: Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly I would strongly question your values and judgment if I knew you lived in such a big house. Can you explain why you do?


We have a home office, different areas for the different kids and a spacious in law suite.

Our parents are old and in bad health - cancer. The reason for the extra large home is for our parents. They may not have long to live so we want them to be comfortable and we want our own space.

Our entertaining areas, especially the baby areas, are the same as our old house. We just have new separate larger areas for the extended family and older kids. Our older kids attend public school.


Do you have like 4 sets of parents living with you? Otherwise, weird and we won’t be friends.


No one lives with us. It is just our family of five.


??????? You JUST said the space is for your parents.


For when they visit.


Again, speaking for MYself, this would be another thing that would say to me, "I disagree with this. I don't have a common way of thinking with these people." To me, the thought of so much square footage sitting empty, using $ to heat it and cool it, is so wasteful, the resources to buy it, build it, furnish it -- I cannot even believe it. The waste of environmental energy, the waste, the sheer waste.


Yup, so wasteful. I was raised to see that kind of conspicuous consumption (about half your house is empty most of the time, by design) as a sin, to be honest. And frankly, I'd figure that you were really materialistic and high maintenance and that you are totally out of touch with normal people.


And to think we bought this large house because we value our family so much.


Your parents don't need their own 4,000 sq ft of living space to be comfortable staying with you. If anything, I wonder sometimes how much people value their families when they buy houses seemingly designed to let everyone get as far away from each other as possible.
Anonymous
Post 09/25/2018 13:51     Subject: Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly I would strongly question your values and judgment if I knew you lived in such a big house. Can you explain why you do?


We have a home office, different areas for the different kids and a spacious in law suite.

Our parents are old and in bad health - cancer. The reason for the extra large home is for our parents. They may not have long to live so we want them to be comfortable and we want our own space.

Our entertaining areas, especially the baby areas, are the same as our old house. We just have new separate larger areas for the extended family and older kids. Our older kids attend public school.


Do you have like 4 sets of parents living with you? Otherwise, weird and we won’t be friends.


No one lives with us. It is just our family of five.


??????? You JUST said the space is for your parents.


For when they visit.


Again, speaking for MYself, this would be another thing that would say to me, "I disagree with this. I don't have a common way of thinking with these people." To me, the thought of so much square footage sitting empty, using $ to heat it and cool it, is so wasteful, the resources to buy it, build it, furnish it -- I cannot even believe it. The waste of environmental energy, the waste, the sheer waste.


Yup, so wasteful. I was raised to see that kind of conspicuous consumption (about half your house is empty most of the time, by design) as a sin, to be honest. And frankly, I'd figure that you were really materialistic and high maintenance and that you are totally out of touch with normal people.


And to think we bought this large house because we value our family so much.


But here is the thing. This doesn't make ANY sense to most people. I understand buying a larger house for visitors. We bought a larger house for a guest room in the basement so family can stay with us. But 15K for a house where only 5 people live most of the time? That is crazy. Unless you are showing off your wealth. I'm not wealthy, so maybe that is the way truly wealthy people act. But if you are looking to be friends with people of varying degrees of middle class (including upper middle class), that is going to make 0 sense to them. And at the end of the day, I choose my friends based on whether they are nice people and whether we have things in common. The way you are rationalizing this will make people question your choices.

I would almost rather a friend say "I bought a 15k square foot house because I had nothing better to do with my money". At least they are being honest.


Why would anyone with that kind of money have to "show off" to anyone - least of all, strangers? That makes no sense to anyone over the age of ten. I choose to be around people who do not judge. OP, if you meet that criteria, you are fine in my book. If I hear about you tearing into the nice lady down the street who you think has more than you ("Did you see what she did/wore/said? Like Oh. My. Gawd."? Yeah, I'll be onto you in a split second.
Anonymous
Post 09/25/2018 13:50     Subject: Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:To echo some of what's been said in this thread, I would not be intimidated or put-off by a mom friend with a 15,000 square foot house. But, it does say something about how she and her DH choose to spend money, and, potentially, their social background. The truly wealthy (and I know a handful, from college) might have huge estates, but they would never, ever send their children to public school. The solidly wealthy, who grew up wealthy, don't feel any need to have a 15K square foot house, and tend to be more subtle with their money. Having a 15K square foot house screams: Look at me! I have money now! in a way that's not super classy.

That said, I would totally not eliminate a mom friend for having a house that size, especially if she was open about her insecurities, or joked about the size of her home, etc. I would find that endearing.


I would not find it endearing. I would find it fakey. I'd be like, "Ok, honey, but you and your spouse DID buy this house, so don't try to pretend you had nothing to do with this." Unless you were just a passive wife, and let your husband make all the decisions about the house? And that would be offputting to me too, and also say that you and I are different.


+1

OP and her husband made a choice to buy a house that's five times the size of a normal house. If she joked about it, it would totally come across as fake. OP WANTED a gigantic house. She shouldn't pretend that she doesn't care about material stuff, or that she's embarrassed by her wealth, and that she just somehow ended up with this gigantic house. She chose it.

And I would think that someone like that would not be interested in spending time in my home--that it will feel small or dingy, that she won't be comfortable, that she will be looking down on it and me.
Anonymous
Post 09/25/2018 13:50     Subject: Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, OP, but I would think our lives are too different that we would not find that much in common to connect over.

For example, the explanation: "different areas for the different kids " jumps out at me because I purposefully have two kids sharing a small room in a bunkbed because I think it's great to share a bedroom with a sibling because it helps foster flexibility, a close relationship, etc. To purposefully design large spaces for each child goes against what is important to me.

Furthermore, the fact that you have your children in public school also jumps out at me, because just about the only thing I will spend "extra" $$ on is: education. I have both my kids in private schools and we scrimp and save to do so. Education is our highest priority so spending $$ on a large house and yet going with tax-subsidized "free" education seems like an anomaly to ME.



I am not sure why you would think we don’t prioritize education. Our kids attend top public schools. We absolutely value education over anything else. DH and I come from humble beginnings and worked hard in school.


I see your $$ going to a big house, not to your children's education. Shrug. Sorry, that's just how I see it.


Plus a million. My kids would go to private school if I had this kind of money.


You do you. If you live in a bad school district, that is on you.


All I have to say...is we have that kind of money and choose to send our kids to public school. With money, we could afford to buy a cool old house (not huge but right for us) in a good school district. I went to private and don't want me kids coming out as elitist as I do. Of course, if I really had guts - I'd live in a not so good school district
Anonymous
Post 09/25/2018 13:50     Subject: Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?
Anonymous wrote:I just went to a play date at a house that was 10,000 square feet and I was a little intimidated TBH - but I am still inviting the friend over this week. So, no.


oh, and the mom is beautiful, nice, gracious and kind, and this is in a very sought after suburb of DC that is close in. She is also wildly well educated and a humanitarian. Look, some people are just very #blessed, but it is not a zero sum game. I choose to think of it as gaining a great place for my kid to hang out, lol.