Anonymous
Post 09/02/2018 20:13     Subject: How do you feel about people who cut off family for no reason?
I know a family where one of the family members got convicted of a horrible crime which had occurred decades ago but had been hidden from the other family members.

I wouldn't blame them at all if they cut off that person.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2018 11:12     Subject: How do you feel about people who cut off family for no reason?
Anonymous wrote:UNless you are in the same family, and even then so, it is impossible to know whether anything is done "for no reason." Your question, right there, is impossible to address. Family relationships are extremely complicated, and there is no right answer on the balance of whether to love it or leave it, much less any appropriate basis on which to judge someone else.


+1

You may think you know the details, OP - but you never know the entire situation, unless you lived it. Butt out.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2018 11:08     Subject: How do you feel about people who cut off family for no reason?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There's always a reason, OP.


What if the reason is stupid or petty?


It’s a subjective standard. What is stupid and petty to you may not be for another.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2018 12:24     Subject: How do you feel about people who cut off family for no reason?
UNless you are in the same family, and even then so, it is impossible to know whether anything is done "for no reason." Your question, right there, is impossible to address. Family relationships are extremely complicated, and there is no right answer on the balance of whether to love it or leave it, much less any appropriate basis on which to judge someone else.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2018 09:12     Subject: Re:How do you feel about people who cut off family for no reason?
I knew that my MIL had cut off contact with her own mother when she was 18 in the 1940s and refused to have anything to do with her even on here deathbed 40 years later. She never spoke of it to my spouse, who never met this grandmother. My spouse said the grandmother tried to make contact through other relatives, and even through lawyers. My spouse was the only grandchild. Mil has dementia now, and doesn't really understand much about her current when and where. However, I have witnessed her become agitated and begin searching the nursing home for her little sister, who died long ago, in an attempt to ptotect or save her from abuse by the mother. So now we know the reason. It is really sad.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2018 08:09     Subject: Re:How do you feel about people who cut off family for no reason?
Anonymous wrote:I'll get flamed for this but I think its the natural result of the high trend of divorce of the 1960's and 70's.

We have a whole generation of children who have been brought up to believe that spouses should only be kept around so long as the relationship is 'fulfilling' and when challenges enter, divorce is immediately called to mind as a viable solution.

These children have simply extended these beliefs to the rest of their family. If their parents/siblings/etc are 'challenging' then they deserve to be 'cut-off'.

Of course, I am not referring to children who have seriously abusive/addicted/etc parents, just like I am also not referring to spouses who divorced due to reasons like abuse or alcohol/drug abuse.[/quote

I blame it on people like you who are bitter that it’s ok now not to just be treated like crap and suck it up. After all, you made it through so why shouldn’t others have to suffer.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2018 07:52     Subject: Re:How do you feel about people who cut off family for no reason?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'll get flamed for this but I think its the natural result of the high trend of divorce of the 1960's and 70's.

We have a whole generation of children who have been brought up to believe that spouses should only be kept around so long as the relationship is 'fulfilling' and when challenges enter, divorce is immediately called to mind as a viable solution.

These children have simply extended these beliefs to the rest of their family. If their parents/siblings/etc are 'challenging' then they deserve to be 'cut-off'.

Of course, I am not referring to children who have seriously abusive/addicted/etc parents, just like I am also not referring to spouses who divorced due to reasons like abuse or alcohol/drug abuse.


I think there is a lot of truth to this, though I correlate more to secular “me” culture than divorce per se.

In the “me” era, life is an endless summer of pleasure where the inconvenient is discarded. True responsibility and commitment is discarded.

This is why we have such low birth rates in the western world.


As opposed to being married off in your teens having tons of babies, being completely dependent on the husband, not being allowed to own property, vote or exit the marriage if it's abusive to you or children? Yeah, these were the good old times, too bad they are gone! For the record it's completely ok and a responsible thing to not perpetuate generational drama and abuse. And it's not an easy thing to do, it does take a lot of commitment.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2018 07:25     Subject: Re:How do you feel about people who cut off family for no reason?
Anonymous wrote:I'll get flamed for this but I think its the natural result of the high trend of divorce of the 1960's and 70's.

We have a whole generation of children who have been brought up to believe that spouses should only be kept around so long as the relationship is 'fulfilling' and when challenges enter, divorce is immediately called to mind as a viable solution.

These children have simply extended these beliefs to the rest of their family. If their parents/siblings/etc are 'challenging' then they deserve to be 'cut-off'.

Of course, I am not referring to children who have seriously abusive/addicted/etc parents, just like I am also not referring to spouses who divorced due to reasons like abuse or alcohol/drug abuse.


I think there is a lot of truth to this, though I correlate more to secular “me” culture than divorce per se.

In the “me” era, life is an endless summer of pleasure where the inconvenient is discarded. True responsibility and commitment is discarded.

This is why we have such low birth rates in the western world.
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 21:52     Subject: Re:How do you feel about people who cut off family for no reason?
Anonymous wrote:I'll get flamed for this but I think its the natural result of the high trend of divorce of the 1960's and 70's.

We have a whole generation of children who have been brought up to believe that spouses should only be kept around so long as the relationship is 'fulfilling' and when challenges enter, divorce is immediately called to mind as a viable solution.

These children have simply extended these beliefs to the rest of their family. If their parents/siblings/etc are 'challenging' then they deserve to be 'cut-off'.

Of course, I am not referring to children who have seriously abusive/addicted/etc parents, just like I am also not referring to spouses who divorced due to reasons like abuse or alcohol/drug abuse.


I dont think kids who are cutting their parents off are doing it for frivolous reasons. It's not exactly a painless decision. I'm estranged from my mother and despite it being what is healthy foe me, it is awful and consumed a lot of real estate in my brain. I haven't met a single person estranged from a parent who has done it without a lot of thought, therapy and mental anguish
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 20:48     Subject: Re:How do you feel about people who cut off family for no reason?
I'll get flamed for this but I think its the natural result of the high trend of divorce of the 1960's and 70's.

We have a whole generation of children who have been brought up to believe that spouses should only be kept around so long as the relationship is 'fulfilling' and when challenges enter, divorce is immediately called to mind as a viable solution.

These children have simply extended these beliefs to the rest of their family. If their parents/siblings/etc are 'challenging' then they deserve to be 'cut-off'.

Of course, I am not referring to children who have seriously abusive/addicted/etc parents, just like I am also not referring to spouses who divorced due to reasons like abuse or alcohol/drug abuse.
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 13:43     Subject: How do you feel about people who cut off family for no reason?
i came here today to look for this kind of thread as I'm in the process of trying to distance myself from my mother and sister.

I don't want to write one of those long, rambling threads listing infractions and offences.

My mother has driven me nuts for years with interference. Last year just before my dad died I decided to give her some distance (she lives a long way away, in Europe, the distance would be less frequent phone calls). Then she announces its my job to look after her when my dad dies. My sister who lives close to them agrees. We spent $10,000 getting ourselves there and back at short notice for the funeral, filling her house with food and taking her places.

Since I got back I've been to visit her again, at some cost. Now I have major medical issues and small children and I feel overwhelmed by the daily phone calls (calls I make to her to check she is ok, has eaten, has gone out etc). Not only does this cost us money, its been wearing me down.

I just need some space from her. As soon as I try to build in some space she bombards me with emails and messages, "I can't sleep, can you help?" this kind of thing, all through the day and night.

It feels like the only remedy is to cut her off completely.
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 09:48     Subject: How do you feel about people who cut off family for no reason?
My sister in law has cut off all of her family members (3 siblings) and all of my family members (4 siblings and parents...) Clearly she has some issues with family relationships.
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 09:33     Subject: How do you feel about people who cut off family for no reason?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Anyone who doesn't believe there is a 'reason' needs to read this.

http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html


Another thank you for sharing this. I'm sharing this with some friends. Thanks again for sharing.

Also agree that anyone who doesn't believe there is a reason should read this article.


And from me too, profound thanks for sharing this. Came at the right time.
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 09:08     Subject: Re:How do you feel about people who cut off family for no reason?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I may be in the minority but I think cutting family off for minor aggression is crazy and a sign of mental instability, narcissism and immaturity.

To be clear I am not referring to cases of legitimate abuse, emotional or physical, drugs or alcohol issues. Some people do have shitty families and I feel very sorry for them. The vast majority of whom I see that are estranged from their families are simply ridiculous and selfish people.

Examples:

Sidney is no longer speaking to her older sister because growing up older sister was the favorite and mom an dad showed her more attention. Her sister is a fine and normal person who can sometimes be bossy but Sidney thinks she and her mom and dad are "toxic" and has cut them off. She is, however, very close with her in laws and puts up with all sorts of crap from them. But anything her family says is crazy and they must be avoided.

Ally has put her mother at a distance because she is "old and annoying. She doesn't even know how an iphone works! why can't she get with the times?we're so different!"

Emma cut off her "low class" in laws because she was embarrassed by them. She doesn't let her children have any relationship with them.

We are all imperfect people. Even that difficult mother was once your "mommy" and stayed up all night and fretted over your every sound. Its silly to cut them off for minor human differences.


How do you know Sidney’s parents weren’t emotionally abusive? Blatant favoritism certainly isn’t healthy, and can definitely be abusive.


Omg not every imperfect parenting decision is “abusive.”

We live in a society where the young people feel so empowered to discard blood mothers fathers and siblings. If you don’t have loyalty to your blood relatives who can you possibly have loyalty to? We are rotting from the inside. It’s asinine that this selfish toxic behavior is applauded and seen as the norm.

If your 60+ mother says something awkward, be a grown up, put on your big girl pants and show her some grace and kindness. It’s your freaking mother!!she cleaned your poop and fed you and dealt with you being a teen monster. You’re so perfect that you don’t have the patience to show some kindness?


Unless the 60+ mother has Asperger's or is otherwise senile, she should not be saying out loud things that are vicious and hurtful to her children, if she wants to have a relationship with them. If anything, at 60+ she should have enough life experience, wisdom and knowledge of her children to make a point without being a complete asshole.

Put your big girl pants equals "your feelings are not valid and don't matter, suck it up, you don't matter". This is a classic example of reasoning of emotional abusers. You may make a wrong parenting decision yes, but not allowing your children feel their feelings is denying their humanity. You're cut off for all the right reasons.