Anonymous
Post 08/10/2018 19:31     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would have had an abortion but my daughter said she cannot do that - need to respect her choice even if it is a different one that I’d have made.


Not to be hard hearted, but I would be clear with her about the degree to which you’re willing to suppport her financially and provide childcare now while it’s still early. Make sure your expectations are honest and see if they are aligned. Our college-student sitter got pregnant (and told us, she was planning to continue the pregnancy.) Her expectation was that her mother would provide full-time childcare since she had retired. Her mom was much less up for it than she expected and she ended up terminating—kind of late, IMO. Rough situation, but last I heard she was OK. Anyway, there is time to really make a plan and think about what it will look like.


+1. How does your DD see this working? Her staying in college and you renting an apartment for her, and sending her a lot more money so she can raise the child can pay for childcare? Leaving the baby with you and going back to college unencumbered? Moving home and having you do the child care while she finishes at GMU or similar? Fact is, a kid finishing college would likely have to spend more per hour for childcare than she would make working? And the money to raise the kid has to come from somewhere. If she continues with college, who is babysitting? Late teens/ early 20s are often not great at seeing long term consequences.l

Frankly, the idea of returning to college and just not dealing until next semester makes it sound like the reality of becoming a parent has not hit her. She needs to not realize this is real and life changing at 30 weeks. And you need to make sure she isn’t assuming that you will bear. The financial burden or Rae the child— unless you can and want to.

She may not want to have this discussion until January, but she needs to have it with you now.


Yup, all of this. She needs a plan now. If it includes starting a life with a child, she needs to figure out specific details and you, or a counselor, need to help her understand the realities of those details (e.g., childcare options are limited and really expensive).
Anonymous
Post 08/10/2018 19:27     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Mine is scheduled to return to campus in 2 weeks for her junior year but just told us she’s 5 weeks pregnant.


I got pregnant in college. The dad and I split up right before I learned I was pregnant. He was not emotionally supportive at all and said he would only pay for an abortion. I had lots of emotional support from my family, but they had little financial means. I was determined to not choose between parenting and my education. I got WIC and also donations from a crisis pregnancy center. After my child was born, I applied for CS. It was not much, but I continued in school. I graduated when my child was a bit over a year old and then did my masters on a fellowship. Today, I have two advanced degrees and my baby is now a college grad herself. She and her dad have a complex relationship, but she’s very close with his parents and siblings. She was the first grandchild. Once they got past the shock, they were delighted with her arrival and pressured her dad to support her.


This is a wonderful outcome.

How would you have felt if your family had had financial means, but still expected you to apply for WIC, etc.? Would you still have felt like you were getting lots of emotional support?


Yes. I was never embarrassed to get WIC. They didn’t just do food. They did nutrition classes and supported breastfeeding. I actually got more food because I breastfed and didn’t use formula. I still use recipes from my WIC cookbook.

I think the only thing I wish was different was the tension with her dad was a strain on my dad. They had some major blowups over CS because my dad was determined my ex would pay something before she was born. I didn’t love him anymore by then, but it would have been nice to not have to play referee. If my parents had more ncome, maybe it would have been less urgent to them that my ex start paying.
Anonymous
Post 08/10/2018 19:20     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
I know of a couple of classmates who got pregnant around 19. Total tragedy at the time, but now kids are in their twenties and the friends are having the time of their life. In the short term, it might be difficult, but it got easier.
Anonymous
Post 08/10/2018 19:16     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
I am the product of two teenage college students. I was given up for adoption and had a very good life.
Anonymous
Post 08/10/2018 19:09     Subject: Re:Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Title IX protects her housing through her pregnancy.

The Housing office can help with housing after that.

She will qualify for WIC and SNAP.

I assume you were planning on paying room and board while she is in college. Off campus housing could be cheaper and she can apply for WIC/SNAP, all of that money can go towards her child's food and diapers.

As a single mother she can supplement WIC/SNAP with local food banks. (https://www.foodpantries.org/)

The school can help her find cheap/subsidized daycare or she can check this website for subsidized daycare (https://www.acf.hhs.gov/occ/resource/ccdf-grantee-state-and-territory-contacts#M)


Yes, although I was on SNAP when my son was very young, and we were in a liberal state with VERY generous benefits. We had plenty to eat just using SNAP, no WIC. As a mom with a child she will qualify for SNAP for a family of 2, even when baby doesn't eat much. My state at the time was VERY generous and we ate very well (I mean, no lobster and I had to budget, but we had enough and could buy fresh fruits - although not organic - and veggies).



Yes— once upon a time, you could survive on SNAP. But, in case you missed it, there have been a lot of cuts to SNAP under the R controlled Congress. In 2018, the average family of 2 gets $252 in SNAP benefits, with even more cuts in the pipeline. Could you feed yourself and a child healthy food on less than $50/week?
Anonymous
Post 08/10/2018 19:04     Subject: Re:Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
My best friend's daughter (and close friend of my daughter) got pregnant her freshman year of college. She moved home and lived with her parents. The father was not involved at all. She took one semester off when she gave birth. She returned to college and worked part-time. She graduated this year. And she is engaged to a wonderful guy who loves the baby like his own. She had a ton of family support and that made all the difference in the world. That precious little one is four now. He is the center of his grandparents' universe. Everything worked out beautifully in what seemed like just an awful situation initially.
Anonymous
Post 08/10/2018 18:43     Subject: Re:Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Does she want to get an abortion? If so, not a huge deal.


No. OP said she doesn't want to have an abortion. Keep up!


Sorry - been swamped in real life and didn't have time to actually read all seven pages.
Anonymous
Post 08/10/2018 18:42     Subject: Re:Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
No matter what the baby's father says, make sure your daughter can afford this on her own. It isn't cheap and there isn't much she can do to make sure he pays child support on time and in full.
Anonymous
Post 08/10/2018 17:12     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
OP, you know how mature your daughter is. If she's as mature as the PP who was able to figure it all out herself, this will be fine and you will be able to support her in reasonable ways. In that case, I agree with the above poster that you will soon get over the shock and welcome your grandchild. If she's immature and living in a fantasy world where a baby changes very little about her immediate present and near future, then some of the other PP's advice (my own is in there, too) about being more straight-forward about your willingness to help her out is probably called for.
Anonymous
Post 08/10/2018 17:00     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
OP best of luck to you and your child. This isn't the life you had planned for her but the best laid plans and all that. Hopefully you will love being a grandma and your daughter will have a happy and healthy pregnancy
Anonymous
Post 08/10/2018 16:48     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Father lives 1200 miles away? Yikes. She's awfully young to be dealing with split custody and such. Or is she planning not to tell him?

I know you respect her choice, and you're doing it better than I would. I would probably ask her why she's set against abortion in this case, and point out how complicated this is likely to be. She now knows she's fertile. She can get pregnant at literally any future moment.

This kind of thing makes me sad about how effective the pro-life propaganda has been on women under 30. Even pro-choice women think of a 5-week-old pregnancy as a child.


But she's not too young to be having sex? Got it.


Huh? Clearly this particular woman is, because she isn't prepared to make a mature decision (which to me would be not having this baby -- I take it to you it would be to keep the baby).


To me, it would be to give the baby up for adoption and give it a decent chance at an intact family.


Not necessarily. Several families we adopted with are divorced (kids all elementary school age) and some of the families don't treat the kids like they do their biological kids.
Anonymous
Post 08/10/2018 16:45     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Mine is scheduled to return to campus in 2 weeks for her junior year but just told us she’s 5 weeks pregnant.


I got pregnant in college. The dad and I split up right before I learned I was pregnant. He was not emotionally supportive at all and said he would only pay for an abortion. I had lots of emotional support from my family, but they had little financial means. I was determined to not choose between parenting and my education. I got WIC and also donations from a crisis pregnancy center. After my child was born, I applied for CS. It was not much, but I continued in school. I graduated when my child was a bit over a year old and then did my masters on a fellowship. Today, I have two advanced degrees and my baby is now a college grad herself. She and her dad have a complex relationship, but she’s very close with his parents and siblings. She was the first grandchild. Once they got past the shock, they were delighted with her arrival and pressured her dad to support her.


This is a wonderful outcome.

How would you have felt if your family had had financial means, but still expected you to apply for WIC, etc.? Would you still have felt like you were getting lots of emotional support?
Anonymous
Post 08/10/2018 16:35     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Anonymous wrote:Mine is scheduled to return to campus in 2 weeks for her junior year but just told us she’s 5 weeks pregnant.


I got pregnant in college. The dad and I split up right before I learned I was pregnant. He was not emotionally supportive at all and said he would only pay for an abortion. I had lots of emotional support from my family, but they had little financial means. I was determined to not choose between parenting and my education. I got WIC and also donations from a crisis pregnancy center. After my child was born, I applied for CS. It was not much, but I continued in school. I graduated when my child was a bit over a year old and then did my masters on a fellowship. Today, I have two advanced degrees and my baby is now a college grad herself. She and her dad have a complex relationship, but she’s very close with his parents and siblings. She was the first grandchild. Once they got past the shock, they were delighted with her arrival and pressured her dad to support her.
Anonymous
Post 08/10/2018 16:16     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Tell her what you are and aren't willing to do, in a clear fashion.

Once one of my friends realized her parents would not take care of the baby and allow her to go back to school full-time, or absorb all medical/baby bills, she decided to have an abortion. Adoption is always an option as well.
Anonymous
Post 08/10/2018 16:02     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is adoption not being considered as an option? If she is unwilling to have an abortion (which I totally understand), she still does not have to keep the baby. She will be condemning the both of them into lower socioeconomic conditions that it will be very hard for either the daughter or he baby to escape, unless the grandparents have a lot of money to pay for all the things the mother can’t.


Prolifera don’t like to acknowledge how traumatizing adoption can be for birth moms. I would absolutely have an abortion in this case. But if my DD chose to have the baby I would do my beat to support financially.


They don't care. Her sadness becomes beatific, like a saint enduring suffering for the good of the people. It's a fit punishment for not having done things in the right order, and it produces a child for the adoption market, which has far fewer children available now that women keep them.